kreizjsn's Blog

closure of a door opens another. :)
Date: Nov 14th, 2009 6:52:13 am - Subscribe
Mood: accepted

well, panget namn pala pag closure. haha hindi nman tlga nagclose. pero sobrang naaappreciate ko lahaaaat ng nangyari.

when i stepped college, hindi ko alam kung ano ang unang ggawin, kung san pupunta, kung san lulugar. hindi ko alam kung sinong mga dapat kong maging kaibigan. lahat knakapa ko. uuwi ako agad pagktapos ng klase. at un. iiyak ako. kase naiinis ako sa environment ko. hahaha kkaiba kse tlga. hindi normal ung takbo ng buhay. parang kanya-kanya. sari-sarili. hindi ka mkkasurvive dahil mag-isa ka na lang eh. basta. walang kahit anong nkkatuwa sakin sa pag-aaral ko sa PUP at ang pagmmaynila ko. haha


pero pinakita sakin ni Lord na lahaaat ng adjustments ko, para sakin din. nag psych ako, dahil un ang gusto nya sakin. hindi pa man malinaw sakin sa ngayon kung bakit, pero alam ko at naniniwala ako na gusto nya to saken. ung pagmmanila ko, para sakin din un. at ung andun ako, all over, para sakin dn.

mahirap pero, kung hindi ako nagmanila, hindi ko marrealize na ganun pala tlga kahalaga ang family sa buhay ng isang tao. dito sa cavite, lahat ng nkasalamuha ko, o kung hindi man lahat, iilan lang ang may problema sa pamilya. kung nagkkaproblema, hindi sobrang komplikado.... kumpara sa takbo ng buhay, at sa pamilya ng mga nakilala ko sa manila. hindi ko ganitong maaappreciate na napaka blessed ko to have this kind of family. hindi perpekto, pero masaya. at sa bawat pag-uwi ko, alam kong may inuuwian ako.

pangalwa, kung hindi ako nagpsych, hindi ko mraranasan ang pinaramdam saken ng PUPPSA kanina.

this past week, nagstruggle ako sa acceptance, nagseek ng understanding, naghhanap ng comfort, ng makkinig, ng maiiyakan. pero nadagdagan pa ung burden. last minute ng workshop kahapon, nov. 14, 09, hindi na sana ko aattend. pero may nagpush sakin na pmunta.

dun ko natanggap at naranasan ang pakkinig at pag-intindi at kkaibang pagtanggap na never ko pang naranasan in my life. umiiyak ako sa harap ng mga taong hindi ko kilala, nagkukwento ako ng mga bagay na nun ko lang nsabi, nagtiwala ako sa kanila kahit hindi ko pa sila tlga kilala. pero nun ko lang naramdaman ung totoong pag-unawa ng wlang panghuhusga. nakkinig lng sila. kaht umiiyak ako. kahit ngawa ako ng ngawa dun. haha lahat ng sinabi ko pinakinggan nila. that was very heartfelt moment para sakin. nun ko lang naisip na, pwede mong tanggapin ang isang tao kahit hindi mo sha kilala. basta marunong kang mkinig, pwede mong mabigay ung pag-unawa na hinahanap nya.


dahil sa nangyari kanina, naramdaman ko na belong pala ko dun. may lugar pala para sakin sa puppsa. dahil dun, nabago ung views ko, at nagstart sha na *sana magtuloy tuloy na* magopen ng door para magmove on ako, or magstep forward, para mkacope up at mainvolve sa kung nasan man ako.


i am very thankful


blessing talaga.




goodnite!

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wala akong maisip . haha
Date: Nov 14th, 2009 6:34:56 am - Subscribe

at this very moment, napaka emotional tlaga. pero sakto lang. haha hindi naman emo. XD imba. saktong depressed lang. saktong nahagalpak parin. sakto lang. pero hindi okay. hahaha

hindi nman ako naggu-goodbye.
li-low lang. marami na pala akong nsasaktan. or, siguro, *hmmm* hindi ko sinasadya na ganun pala ung napaparamdam ko sa iba.

naffeel ng mga importanteng tao sa buhay ko na nagttake advantage ako sa kanila. lumalapit ako pag me kelangan ako, at may nagsabi pa na, mahal ko lang sya dahil kailangan ko sha. *dahil ang kanya daw kase, kelngan nya ko dahil mahal nya ko.* anyway, etong taong nagsabi saken neto, hmm. tnatanggap ko ng maluwag lahaaaaat ng ssabhin nya saken. dahil alam ko namn ang mga pagkukulang ko. at wla akong mgagawa, dahil un ang nramdaman nya.

ung isa namn, sabi nya sakin, pakiramdam daw nya nagiging panakip butas sya pag nagkkaprublema ako sa besf's ko.


okay. nahurt ako. pero hindi nman ako pumalag dahil siguro nga at times, nagiging totoo ung mga sinabi nila.


pero sana, ang gusto ko sana, may isang tao, na nakakaalam, o makaalam ng lahaaaat ng pangyayari sa buhay ko, at sa lahaaaaat ng ngraramdaman ko. gusto ko lang may magsabi na, "naiintindhan kta, karis."

sino ba kasing gustong mkasakit? kilala ko namn ung sarili ko, alam ko na ayoko na nkkapagparamdam ako ng ganun sa tao.

i was once the listener of every single voice. may time na hindi ko na iniisip khit me sarili akong struggles sa buhay, go lang. kinig. kinig. salita. kung may msasabing advice o mga posibleng solutions. and i love with my all.. lahaaat tlga.


dumadating daw sa lahat ng tao ung downfall, lahat daw may negative. lahat may kahinaan.


i came to the point that i have a very very sensitive problem with this very important person in my life, my bestfriend. (way back!haha) okay, may nainvolve na iba. naging bestf's din sila. ung naging bestf nyang bago, naging kaclose ko. eventually, we became good friends too. and then afterwards, bestfriends din.

at this point in time, marami ng nangyari, marami ng naging prublema. dumating sa point na tatlo na kaming magbbestfs. tapos un. ngayon, wala na ung kami nung original kong bestf. patong patong na pain, disapointments, hurt, lahat na ng uri ng sama ng loob.


ngayon, ung naging new bestf nya, na bestf ko din ngayon, she was the one na nagssabing nagiging unfair ako sa kanya. in all aspects.

i am always trying to give her enough. o more than enough pa ng capacity ko. kaya lang, kelngan kong maintindihan ako sa part na, hindi parin maalis sa isip ko na nung dumating sha, dun nagsimulang mag-iba ang lahat between me and my original bestf. hindi ko sinasabing nagsisisi ako na dumating sha. na im wishing na sana hindi na lang nangyari lahat un. pero hindi ko lang tlga maalis un sa sarili ko.


okay. done with that. hindi ko na iniisip un. dahil unfair. nung kaming tatlo, mas mahal na sha. mas concern na sa knya. mas napapahalagahan na sha. lahat na ng uri ng ilalamang nasa kanya na. tapos irereklamo nya sakin na bakit daw hindi ako nagiging fair sa kanya. eh lahat na ng dati saken, nasa kanya na. *i cant believe im saying this. hahaha* pero un eh. un un.

mahirap maging fair. or mas magandang sabhin siguro na mahirap ibalik ung lahat ng bnibigay nya sakin, dahil ung mga sakit na nraramdman ko eh, hindi man sha ang nkkasakit sakin, involve sha. panget sabhin na sha ang cause pero un nga. hindi ko pa lang din siguro maabsorb completely na sha na ang bestfriend eh.


hindi ko pa absorb in a way na, hindi ko pa kaya na ibigay sa kanya ung friendship na naoffer ko sa isa. ung ganung ka committed. pero i love her kahit nahhurt ako. sa kabila ng lahat, i keep on trying and trying na baka sa ssunod na try ko, un na ung time na ready na ko tlga at nkarecover na ko. hindi pa ba un fair para sa kaya kong ibigay sa ngayon?

tanggap ko na. na nagbago na lahat. everything. pero deep inside, sa pinakabottom ng pagkatao ko, i'm still wishing, hindi para maibalik ung dati, im wishing na sana maging okay man lang kaming tatlo. kami nung orig. bestf. hirap akong magadjust at tumanggap. pero i always try. sa dulo, o hgit pa sa kung anong kaya ko. hindi pa lang siguro tlga panahon. at hindi ko pa lang siguro kaya ng buo.


ang gusto ko lang, sana kahit isang tao, may mkaintindi saken. at umunawa. at magagree. at magappreciate na kahit hindi ko pa kaya, nagbibigay ako. sinusubukan kong higitan ung kaya ng kapasidad ko sa ngayon. pero ang nakkita parin pala, ung kulang. ung mali.



ngayon, tamana muna ung mga ganun.
sarili muna. selfish sa tingin ng iba. pag-aayos sa tingin ko. bahala na kung anung isipin ng iba. bahala na kung me nkkaintindi ba o wala . basta un ang ggawin ko. sarili muna. para hindi na madamay ung iba pa.


bye for now.




~ karis jireh

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real happiness.
Date: Nov 10th, 2009 4:21:11 am - Subscribe
Mood: overjoyed

despite and inspite of everythiiinggg!!

i am happy that i still have someone standing beside me all the way! i'm glad to have him and i am blessed that he stayed



no matter how much my life was messed up, i know i still have him....

.. and i'll ALWAYS have Him.

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acceptance - happiness
Date: Nov 10th, 2009 3:57:58 am - Subscribe
Mood: magical

" Happiness begins at the time of acceptance. . . the point when you stop questioning why things are unfair. "


" The Secrets of a Happy Person:
- Learn to forget
- Apologize
- Admit errors
- Avoid mistakes
- Listen to advice
- Keep your temper
- Shoulder the blame
- Make the best of things "




~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

things got so complicated for me this past few days. huhhhhh. i dont know how to react. i was pissed off. SO PiSSED OFF!

but FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME!!!!! i think i was able to control myself and stop talking and answering back. hahaha that makes it better. actually, gusto ko magsalita ng maramiii! haha pero un nga. that won't help. shoulder the blame ika nga. but what i'm up to is ..... the reason why everything turned far from what it should be. hahaha sa akin nagsosorry nung una. but then, WHY SAY THOSE THINGS!? hahaha naiba na bigla. assuming? accusing? what?? kaya hindi na din ako nagsalita mashado, coz i know, it's gonna be me, and only me who will end up being soooo evil. haha ako ang masama. ako ang UNFAIR. ako ang hindi nakapagparamdam ng love, care, understanding. ako ang laging may pagkukulang. i dont know whyyy ??? my side was not even heard. and then and then and then. haha same old story.

em tired of those. but it looks like i'm still the one who's giving up. haha

i didn't quit. i didn't even think of leaving. all i want is understanding. i was shocked to what happened. and i think i got scared that what happened to the other one may also happen here. O.o and i dont like that! i dont know why she always say she understands, but i didn't feel like she really do at all. all she thinks is that i am being unfair yes. no matter WHAT i do! she thinks that it is always favorable to the *chorba.

i love her. and i dont want to lose a very important person in my life AGAIN. and i still believe that everything will be settled and will be put at the right places in time. but now, i dont know what to say. i dont know if someone would even care to know and understand how i feel. that's all i want. then i'll be okay.

* i MiSS HER SOOOO BAD. but i know, she won't even think that it's how i feel. *


- - - - - - - - - - -

I thought, "hey, I can leave, I can leave."
Oh, but now I know that I was wrong, 'cause I missed you.
Yeah, I miss you.


another thing that confuses me is the *chorba. haha confused not in the sense that i dont want to settle misunderstandings between us. i am confused because questions come into my mind. *what if it didn't work out AGAiN ?* what if. what if. what if. mahirap kse magrisk. lalo ngayon na i've already accepted everything. yes. everything. i'm starting to go on my own way. and actually not minding his business. but i still care naman. hindi nman un mwawala. i want to make everything between us okay. kahit hindi na maibalik ung dati. im not expecting our friendship to be like it used to be, (because that IS SO impossible. haha) kahit ung maging okay lang at comfy ulit. it will do.





**************


and i hope, people would understand. that once i fixed everything in this particular area, nothing will turn into the negative side. *hopefully* all i want is to be understood. and that's all. im gonna be happy. i just dont want to keep bitter feelings, misunderstandings, conflicts, broken relatioinships. gusto ko pag namatay ako, people will somehow, see that i tried. and i know *with His help*, i can do this.


i am not bringing back the past. i am starting a new beginning to a strong relationship.

i want to work on it. and just at least try to make things a little better,. but i admit i'm scared. and i actually dont want to take the risk. posible kase na pag tinry, ganun din ulit ung bagsakan. baka ganun din ulit. panu pag ganun na namaan? whew! mahirap. mahirap mahirap mahirap.


" A fall from the fifth floor hurts as much as a fall from the tenth. "

Lesson?



Give it all.
It will hurt just the same.



- that challenged me mahirap. and it may take EVERY PiECE of me to just TRY to make things better. pero i promised to myself na bago ako mamatay, dapat okay na. dapat meron na ulit kaming tatlo. so what if bestfriendship will work effectively within two people only? kaya nga si karis ako. haha i live to have and be with the UNIQUE things and make those THE BEST EVEEERRRR!!! hahahaha

* dreaming? naah. .. believing? exactly.*








it will all get better in time
*MCP 21.22.28

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