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driftwood Almost Doesn't Count - Subscribe
I'm gonna be sick. Been feeling a little feverish since 10pm and my itchy throat has caused my voice to become froggy. Of all the times I had to come down with something, my body had to choose the holiday season. *bummer*
Another downpour on my xmas parade: Mom told me that my flight was moved to the 24th. So much for Xmas cheers. She really knows how to ruin my vulnerable disposition.

The main road near the house is found at an intersection. I rarely pass by there when going to the store cos I'm a 'reckless' biker and there's just too many cars. I usually go by the side streets.
But earlier, around 7pm, I made the mistake of ignoring the side streets and headed straight for the intersection. This was due to another biker on my right, which prevented me to make my usual turn. It was Seya-san, a co-worker. I believe she had just come from work. I had already taken my holiday leave effective today and we were both surprised to see each other. There was another biker on the wrong side of the road whom I was intently eye-ing. I wanted to avoid crashing into him.
With distractions coming at lightning speed one after the other, my mind was definitely elsewhere. I didn't notice that the light had already turned red. I was confidently making my right turn, which was one turn too late, when I found myself face to face with a car. Not one vehicle moved in the intersection. I was about an inch away from crashing onto the car whose driver was cursing to his heart's content.
The funny thing was all I felt was embarrassment. I didn't fear death or the possible injury I might have acquired. I was red-faced because of the situation. I nearly died (maybe) and all I felt was embarrassment. Is that weird or what?
Mood: Embarrassingly Kibunwarui

driftwood Happy Holidays! 20th Dec 2006 11:36:16 PM - Subscribe
I might not be able to blog during the holidays cos I'm going back home on the 23rd to my beloved parents for a long-awaited vacation.
So, happy holidays everyone!! Hope you'll have a merry one. ^_^

Here's my gift for all emo aeonity bloggers:

Why do roses have thorns? - Tickle Me Emo
Mood: Megalomaniacal
Reading: Paulo Coelho - The Valkyries

driftwood Knock Me Over With A Feather 17th Dec 2006 10:17:29 AM - Subscribe
Funny how life [or should I say fate] enjoys catching us by surprise, leaving our jaw hanging then pulling the rug under our feet.

This weekend was full of unexpected 'encounters'.
  • Saturday Evening - Chin JerkFace was the one who picked me up from work. After weeks of doing everything in my capability to see him with no success and just when I have given up, he shows up with a stupid smile on his face. I hate him but I can't stop lusting after him. *grr* I'm absolutely hopeless. What is it with me and married men?

  • Sunday Afternoon - Bryan dropped by the store, together with 6-month pregnant wife and bratty son. Though his guilty looks never fail to amuse me, I will always be regretful for the simple fact that he is married to Jason's older sister. ( ´,_ゝ`)

  • Sunday Evening - Jay, my best-boy-friend, paid a visit. He said that he wanted to make his presence felt just cos Xmas is just 'round the corner. The selfish imp! I missed him a lot.
    We're both aware of our 'feelings' for the other. But it's just so much more fun to be each other's bestfriend.

----- I'm losing patience by the second. My cousin won't stop with his yappering.

Mood: Unforbearing
Reading: Paulo Coelho - The Valkyries

driftwood Reality Check 12th Dec 2006 8:11:57 AM - Subscribe
Just to make it clear: I wasn't born yesterday!

We have two laptops in the house. One in the room I share with sister #2. The other, in sister #1 and husband's room.
For some strange reason, the pc in my room acts up whenever I log on to aeonity. I get a stop error message then it goes on a never-ending cycle of restarts. So I need to use the other unit for aeonity.

Sister #1 asked me earlier if I wanted to buy the laptop in their room. WTF?! Is she for real? Or has all her brain cells gone dead?
It's not hers to sell! She wasn't the one who bought it! *gawd* It was Mom's money! The nerve!! Grr~
Mood: Pissed Off!
Reading: Paulo Coelho - Veronika Decides to Die

driftwood Parting is Such Sweet Sorrow 11th Dec 2006 1:58:41 AM - Subscribe

This caught my attention while browsing for random icons. It reminded me of my situation with Jason. I was so selfish that I never thought about the things that were going through his mind when we last saw each other. It was clear that he felt awkward, but tried his *damn* best to hide it. He wouldn't have gone inside the store if the girl didn't call him. Maybe he was concerned about my reaction too. Maybe.
Although I'm still avoiding him, I've decided to be happy for him and his new girl. I'm done picking up the pieces. It's time to move on.

Only four guys fall into this category: Knocks, George, Brian and Jason. The latter was the only one who literally lit me up. *blah* Brian and I have unfinished business, to put it mildly. The other two lads are happily married men with lovely kids, thank you very much.
I'm back on the waiting game again.

I actually have. Thanks to work.
I want this to be my last Jason-related post. I'm spring-cleaning my heart. *lol*

With that said, here's a final shout out to the guy who was almost the one:

Clean as a whistle.


PS. Thanks to yourspacenow for the icons.

Weird icons that 'jumped' at me:
Mood: Indifferent
Reading: Paulo Coelho - Veronika Decides to Die

driftwood Blue Sky Holiday 9th Dec 2006 7:58:18 AM - Subscribe
I definitely need one.

My days are too long, while the nights are just way too short to have a decent amount of sleep.

Unfortunately, the heaven's as gloomy as me, full of grey clouds crying their eyes clouds curls (?) out; which sucks bigtime cos that means biking in the rain for me. >o<

The body must overcome fatigue. I musn't cannot get sick. Been working for 3 weeks straight with no yasumi. I'm not complaining. Working myself to death helps in ignoring the thoughts in my head, and it makes me richer - bit by bit by bit.

*You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee to go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces everytime

And I don't need no carryin' on

Was watching FNS 2006 the other night. Daniel Powter sang "Bad Day"*. Most of my fave J-singers were there. Soo much fun. ^_^ AI's performance was brill as per usual. But Ayaka simply blew me away. 三日月 is the bestest song in the whole wide world.

Back to square one. >> To the Man on the Moon:
You're always there for me, yet you're always far from my reach.
The night blue sky gives me so much happiness and utter joy...
The night blue sky brings me unparalleled loneliness... indescribable sorrow... ingrained pain...
The night blue sky, is welcoming dawn's bliss.

Mood: Overworked
Reading: Paulo Coelho - Veronika Decides to Die

driftwood Subject: 22nd Nov 2006 5:38:16 AM - Subscribe
I've no energy left. It's weird that I feel soo tired and sleepy when today was just a normal day. Humdrum existence.

Got thousands of thoughts racing in my hyped-up brain but the body is definitely weak. Dinner was fun. I need to sleep.

Charge Battery << That's what my droopy eyes are saying.

Be back tomorrow for a reading-worthy post. Also, all comments on other people's blog will be on hold till next log-in.

Mood: Poofed!
Reading: Arundhati Roy - The God of Small Things

driftwood See no evil. Hear no evil. Speak no evil. 18th Nov 2006 8:59:27 PM - Subscribe

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Didn't go to work yesterday. Didn't think that I had the strength to go an entire day pretending that everything was freaking alright. I'm wavering. I'm faltering. *sob* Not sure anymore if I'll make it.
Staying in the house meant an inevitable run-in with the LV-wearing devil my mom. But it was too dang cold outside that I was willing to take the risk -- take the risk of being triggered as tron puts it.
It happened around lunchtime when I came down for a bite and a bath. God! My entire being hates her guts. I slapped her -- in my reality alone. But violence never solved anything. So I went back to my room and cried. She doesn't get it. She'll never understand. I hate her, and everything about her, so much that I can't even stand looking at her. Aaaarrgghh! I don't want to feel this way; but sadly, it won't go away. Probably never will.

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One of these days I'm just gonna stop talking altogether and it won't make any difference. That's cos I've been practicing monosyllabic conversations with everyone around me.
The most engaging convo I've had this week was with my 2-year-old niece. I was drinking coffee and she wanted some, but I told her that it was still scalding hot, so she blew on it and asked me to do the same thing, then she had her coffee. Very engaging eh?

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I called my parents last Sunday and told them how the LV-wearing devil has been wreaking havoc in my already fucked up life. Didn't want to worry them. I just wanted them to know that I am in hell whenever I'm here. So if anything major ever happens they won't be that surprised and clueless.
Haven't heard from them since though. Does it take an enormous amount of effort to check up on your only daughter? I don't think so! But I don't want to call cause I won't have any good news. No progress. I'm still stuck in hell. There's only one escape but... and every single day that passes takes me nearer to the light at the end of the tunnel.

I'm sorry. Forgive me. I love you. Move on.

Mood: Hollow
Reading: Arundhati Roy - The God of Small Things

driftwood AxA 16th Nov 2006 6:42:57 AM - Subscribe

Hi, my name is driftwood and I... *um* am an addict.
It began a couple months back, but it's worsen ever since November arrived.
A day won't pass that I don't think about it.
I've tried and had others that were more popular -- but AEONITY has a different effect on me.
It leaves me wanting for more and keeps me coming back for more.
I need help.



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Mood: Animated
Reading: William Faulkner - The Sound and the Fury *still on page 20 after a week -- I need a new book*

driftwood Floating. 15th Nov 2006 4:55:36 AM - Subscribe
I got home from work about an hour ago and I'm still feeling tired. Work wasn't tiring, though it will be starting tomorrow. The holidays are almost near and there's just so many gifts to wrap.
Everyone was buzzing and cheery. Not my mood lately. The place seemed like a bee hive. Blah.
Don't get me wrong. I love like my work and co-workers. Ryu-chang was soo funny: "Sorry. Didn't hear you. I was in my own world for a moment." Wasn't aware that the Japanese had that much sense of humor.
My only complain is that it's mind-numbing. I guess it's not enough that my heart is already numb. I can't feel my hands anymore and it's not even winter yet.

I'm sick and tired of thinking and whining about him. I mean seriously -- I've just had about enough of Jason-related thoughts for today, but they just won't quit. I'm going crazy. Don't worry Ryu-chang, you're not alone. I was also in my own world the entire day, walking the land of broken dreams, looking for my broken heart. >.<


I'm going out a little later with the family. KARAOKE!!! I love it!! This may just be the break I desperately need. Cos all work and no play makes me a dull-er girl.

There's nothing else to write about. I'm just a broken record. Floating. Here. There. Nowhere.
Mood: Tired
Reading: William Faulkner - The Sound and the Fury

driftwood Alcohol-ISMS to Help Mend My Broken Heart 14th Nov 2006 6:36:16 AM - Subscribe
I'm still wallowing over Jason's reappearance. I want to see him again but I also don't. Maybe I want to see him without his new girl so we can talk, then maybe I can pretend to be a good 'acquaintance' and tell him *through gritted teeth* that I'm happy that he's happy and I only wish them happiness. Though all this happy-ness makes me want to puke.

Note to self: You're not yet ready for another close-encounter with the 'lovely' couple. *Puke*

Anyhoo, the wallowing continues... I soo wanted to cry my eyes out the very second that Jason and *she-who-must-not-be-named* walked out the door. But I had to attend to the people who kept arriving. These people didn't have a care whatsoever that my ice-cold heart had just shattered to a million pieces. No one wanted to help me clean up the mess.

After about an hour, I was finally given the chance to feel my pain. My tested way of handling problems: drowning all my sorrows away.
I asked my cousin to join me but I guess she had more productive things to do. Although she told me:
...It's good to drink from time to time. Drinking [alcohol] helps heal the wounds we have inside of us.

I wasn't sure if she was kidding or not, but what she said reminded me of an old schoolmate.
I was out drinking with some girlfriends and I don't entirely remember why the hell we were talking about cancer. This was way way back in highschool.

GF#1: Did you know that too much alcohol can cause cancer.
ME: Yeah. Liver problems run in my family.
HALF-BRAIN GF#2 (interrupting me): Really? Even if I only apply it on my hands?
ME & GF#1: Are you drunk?

And now, I'm freezing my butt off, typing with puffy eyes, while my world slowly spins out of axis... hoping that all the alcohol I've consumed will quickly heal my wounded heart.

Mood: Tipsy
Reading: William Faulkner - The Sound and the Fury

driftwood Green-Eyed Monster 12th Nov 2006 9:59:16 AM - Subscribe

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Every once in a while I revert to my old self and become like any ordinary girl. Emotions which have long departed me, pay a visit to tug at my anaesthesized heart; passing through all the barricades and walls I've put up to keep intruders away. And seeing as how my heart has forgone it's essential function, my reactions on these certain days are intensified and I feel very much vulnerable.
Today was such a day and jealousy was the one who stopped by to catch up.

Seeing Jason again, after almost half a year, was refreshing in every sense of the word. I've always loved how he's cheerful and pleasant, even on rainy days. He's the type of person to be the life of any party.
I could literally feel myself lighting up every time he came over. And I most certainly loved how I cannot help but reflect the smile he has upon in his face.
It's quite hard to put to words, but I'm almost certain that I was in love with him then -- maybe even now. It was in the air? It was as if I could feel my affection for him, hold it in my hands to cherish for ever.

His hair had grown a few inches when I first met him and he dyed it a brownish-blonde color. He looked very hot and very attractive, I almost didn't recognize him. It was his smile that familiriazed me and made me feel at home. *My apologies. I always ramble when I talk about him.*

The fact that he was with a girl was the main reason that I didn't recognize him. It was so selfish of me to think that he would be waiting for me. Why would he? Why should he? Who was I to him? Right?
And what hurts the most is I cannot hate the girl because I know that she is a beautiful person, inside and out. Plus they looked good *I cannot fathom happy* together.

I only wish that I can put this all behind me somehow. I've always known that we would never work out. No matter how hard we try, we would never be. I've known it from the start. But it's just too damn hard to let go.

He was almost Mr. Right. He was almost the one for me. Maybe if not on this life, I could only hope for the next.

Jason, I love you so much it hurts.

Mood: Hurting
Reading: William Faulkner - The Sound and the Fury

driftwood Fairy Avi 9th Nov 2006 7:05:17 AM - Subscribe
I wanted this to be my avatar:
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But I later found out that aeonity avis are supposed to be 50x50 pixels only.

I forgot where I got this. >.< I think it's from some site that provides free myspace icons and layouts.
Mood: Freezing
Reading: Haruki Murakami - Sputnik Sweetheart

driftwood Dealing With It 3rd Nov 2006 7:38:30 AM - Subscribe
For the past few months I've been irritated that my personal plans had to take a back seat to take in to consideration uprising tele-novela de familia scenarios; discovery of (not-really) terminal illness, grief over unborn angels, forcible resolution of decade-long conflicts (petty imo), and biting reality which reminds us of life's harshness and the extent of man's cruelty.
Not that I'm insensitive or plain-out heartless. It's just that the last couple of years has made me numb -- unable to feel for the most part. I always thought it was just disillusionment of an idealistic girl who didn't know any better. But further self-rumination led me to conclude that I really am no longer capable of feeling emotions that come easily for most people... except probably for loath. And for that I could only place the blame on the Devil that wears Prada LV.
Majority of the emotions that persists to rule me is my hatred for the LV-wearing devil. Loath of monumental proportions that resulted to my *near* self-destruction. I know that I don't want to die with that much hatred inside of me. But continued living for me has been summed up under 3 conditions:

  1. she'll die before she kills me
  2. I'll kill her to prevent any suicidal attempts
  3. I'll kill myself to stop me from killing her

It may seem too psychotic, but the scarier part is that all options have been weighed by me, with the 3rd one being the most feasible and acceptable. My reasoning behind the choice? It's a bigger sin to kill another person than to take your own life. Of course the statement is debatable. But I refuse to argue. So SUE me.
And so I arrive at my present crisis. It's so unfair that my suicide plans has to be postponed just so my family can wallow in their pain. What about my pain? What about all the hurt that's tearing up inside of my worn-out soul?
Of course I'm being selfish. It's become a favorite past-time of mine these past couple of months, aside from crying my eyes out. I found that it's the easiest way of dealing with it - Life that is.

Mood: Selfish
Reading: Haruki Murakami - Sputnik Sweetheart

driftwood Ressurected. 22nd Sep 2006 1:56:47 AM - Subscribe
The shadow which has surrounded me for almost half a year is finally lifting. I could only hope that this rejuvinating feeling will last.
I never thought I'd say this, but... it almost feels good to be alive.
Mood: Alive
Reading: Cecelia Ahern - Rosie Dunne <aka Where Rainbows End>