What is the REASON?
Date: Dec 28th, 2006 10:02:08 am - Subscribe
Mood: expired and LONELY.
Music | Food: "The Boy vs. the Cynic" - John Reuben | meatballs, sushi and ebi tempura with 3/4ths a bottle of Sakurazuka SAKE.

I attempted to have a highly intellectual conversation with someone who only shows me his fictional self. Yes, yes, who else could I be talking about. Migs? No, never, I've felt his tears. Who am I speaking of? Just guess....

Bingo.

So I asked Dennis if he's ever regretted anything in life. And he goes into his whole having to start over school ten million times spiel. Ok, great. Thanks. Shutup.

Just SHUTUP.

You can't ask people who are in love anything about their past because it'll ruin their high. It's psychotic and retarded...and...and...


oh how I envy them so.

All I get is a sequential series of 'lol's' in an attempt to make my serious, gut-wrenching conversation into something light and slightly twitterpated. FUCK YOUR TWITTERPATION.

I want to know the REASON!

"Everything happens for a reason"

Why have we found comfort in this? This is our REASON for the 'reason'? This is how we pacify ourselves? This is our way of acceptance? This is what we dull our passionate flames and fury of life into? Into that fragile, incoherent, unperturbed little sentence?

Where is the credibility of that statement? Where does it lie? With whom? With us? With God? With evil? With the universe?

I suppose your mode of belief or lack of, will provide the basis. I believe in God, so it's only natural that God would be the reason.

Yet, yet the REASON is still in the voids. In the shadows, in the dark, or in the clouds...behind the glorious golden blanketed lights of heaven and its hosts singing aloud in triumphant swagger...the reason lies above me.

Yet where is the reason WITH me? Can I find it here? Do I have to wait? Is infinity actually an end?

I'm sorry.
I get like this sometimes.
I become Satre, CS Lewis, James Baldwin and Aime Cesaire all at once.
And I speak in a frequency many aren't able to vibrate with.

And that's fine.

I still want to know...the REASON though.

I have no love in my life.
Lack of love makes me hostile.
Makes me poor of spirit.
Makes me FULL of spirits. Sake, the latest preference. It's 980 yen a bottle. So, go figure.

Sake and apple juice.
Sake and kiwi-grapefruit punch.
Sake and a screaming cry.
Sake and a folded over futon.
Sake an unhung clothing on the ground.
Sake and Kenji Sakaguchi posters.
Sake and questions.

Sake and for the sake of God's grace...shut the hell up.

Sake + Kurisu = loveless nights and lonely awakenings to a country of sunrise and work ethic that matches playtime. Work and play hard, they say. And you see it. You feel it.

Yet my love is nowhere near.

My love, is nothingness.

My crush...is studying. What a lovely little Aries boy. I found out his birthday while doing electronic attendance last night. He's so young, I'm ashamed to let anyone know his age. So he's college-aged. Approaching graduation. That's all I'll reveal.

Yet he is my definition of beauty at this moment, at this time, in this era of the latter end of 2006.

I also met Hiroki. Who is also, quite a sight to behold. But I'm loyal, and have always been.

Loyal to a crush I'm forbidden to have.
Loyal to a possibility that is likely to happen in the twilight zone than on this plane of quantum physics.

What was the formula for that again?

Maybe Einstein liked sake too.

I'm sorry I haven't replied to any comments or read any blogs lately. I will catch up. I do have 8 days of loneliness to fill.

Christ!

When will I understand that it's ok to be alone sometimes? Why is it an inner earthquake threatening to shred apart my sanity once I realize that I'm the only one in the room?

What is it about me being with me that I tend to be disgusted with?

Facing myself is an ugly position. And I'd rather be blinded. Be sleeping. Be in a fantasy world.

Dennis: "...and just live in a fantasy world"

Ain't no fantasies in the real world, playa.

Get it together.

Last night I had a highly sexualized dream. Moreso than usual. And I wanted to cry when I woke up. But then again, the dream ended violently. Some dude came into the bank I was getting my bankcard from and started to openly shoot. What was that all about? And earlier in the dream, I kept saying to whomever I was around "someone is going to rob that bank today..." So how does one predict something into being, in their subconscious, where all is supposedly already known? I told myself that I'd tell myself what I already told myself? Whaaaat?

Don't worry, I'm not drunk.

I'm just trying to make sense of life right now.

And I love my life in Japan, so far, I really do. It's those inner struggles I was having in Toronto and throughout most of my adult life that are trying to ease their way into my present day self right about now.

And I hate it.

And I hate Dennis.

Why's he gotta like all the same stuff I do? Rare, exclusive things that most people don't know and/or talk about?

Why is the universe so twisted?

Where is the benevolence?!

But most importantly...with all that I feel in m heart and soul, and with what's going on in my life, RIGHT NOW AS I TYPE.

What
is
the
REASON for all of this?!

God only knows.

Heiwa.


PS. Remember my post about Kenji Sakaguchi a little while before I left Toronto.? Well, I must be clairvoyant. About 2 weeks before I arrived in Osaka he was the spokesperson for the eikawa I work for. TWO WEEKS. Thus, I have a picture of him in my room. The eikawa I work for? It's in the name of this SITE! That's one of the reasons I joined it. At least the universe was benevolent once. And yet again, with this poster I got from work. If you read katakana, you'll know where I work:


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