You know that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach when you find something out that disturbs you? The way your heart beats right through your fucking chest? How fast your hands shake? Body temperature drops. You feel like you're fucking freezing. Everything stands still. Time. Conversation. You zone. You zone into whatever it is that you found out, whether it's true or not.
Man...that feeling never gets old for me. Everytime I get over something, someone, something I've heard...I'm hit again.
Then...once that feeling subsides, there's more. The lack of sleep. The sleepless nights that you spend thinking 'what if'...what if it ISN'T true. What if it IS true. Sometimes I come to no conclusion what-so-ever. Sometimes I race to one, only to doubt it after.
The tears that spill out of you like they'll never fucking stop. The way you sit there, in the fetal position...clutching your arms, clutching your chest, clutching everything and anything that is able to be held. And it hurts. Physically you cry SO hard that it's no longer an ache inside...it's a tear, it's a giant fucking hole in your heart. And your chest tightens with every sob. Because you can't help it. Because nothing will ever be the same again.
You think 'why...why would this happen again?' and you know, you know that the problem is no longer that other person. Who's broken you down SO many times. That person who is the typical cliche of being 'the one you let in'. The typical asshole who breaks hearts. And maybe you start to blame yourself for letting them in, for letting your guard down this ONE fucking stupid time. Because you did everything you possibly could to keep it up. Then you remember that specific time when you let it down, when you looked at them and thought "fuck it...I'm going to jump...I'm going to give this an honest attempt". You remember that moment forever. You regret that moment forever. For as long as you're hurting.
You walk around in a daze, in a stump. And you get that text or that call that you just don't want to get. But...you answer. You reply back. Because they STILL have your heart. They still have parts of you that YOU, yourself, will never get back. Ever. And you LOSE yourself a little. Parts that were nieve and innocent. Those things will now be scars. Constant reminders of just how bitter you will become.
Inside, you know the truth. Inside of yourself you're a completely different person. It hurts. It stings. It's this coldness that drapes over you. That brick wall is up. That fucking guard will never be broken down again. Not for anything.