Shine
Date: Feb 15th, 2008 9:30:20 am - Subscribe
Mood: Meh.
Alleged Alliteration: Totally Fine.
Kay, so, yesterday was this big concert for the Bella Voce choir, and of course the OC was there too . . . And one of my friends is in there. Well, she's never liked my boyfriend and she's made that very clear to me . . . Ugh, it pisses me off.
So, anyway, right after we finished performing our last song (America, AKA My Country 'Tis of Thee), we of course went to the choir room for feedback from our teacher. And, um, after we got out, my supposed "friend" was ranting yet again about how I have a boyfriend and she doesn't.
I'm finally happy, and all she has to say is "it's not fair" and have a self pity party?
And that's not even the worst of it.
Wanna know what she really said to me?
Her exact words:
"No offence, but I'm cuter than you and I still don't have a boyfriend."
What a bitch. You know, I've had self hatred issues and really bad depression probably since the fourth grade, and that's all she can think of? I'm not trying to be having my own pity party here. I've been working really hard to get better. It's all I can do not to think of hurting myself. But then she has to be so damn rude.
You know what, though? It doesn't matter. What other people think of me doesn't define my own self worth, and the one person who really matters to me thinks I'm beautiful.
And you know what else?
I take a lot of crap.
I should be gone right now, 'cause if my dad hadn't walked in on me before I did something stupid . . . Well, I would have hung myself. And if that's not proof enough that I'm meant to breathe out until the last of my life, then I have no clue what is.
And I'm fine now. I mean, I'm not fine, but I am. I'm stable, at the least. It's not like the only thing I'm thinking of is the next time I'm going to revel in the burning sensation and adrenaline flood. I've been clean for a really long time, and if I have any say in it I won't ruin it.
So I guess it's all I can do to just hold on and keep my head above water. It's not really all that hard, with my awesome Nick, fabulous parents, terrific friends, and wonderful teachers. My parents are so loving and supportive . . . They're phenominal. I mean, I've put them through a lot. No, correction . . .
I've put them through Hell.
And they've never let go of my hand, not even once.
And my teachers! Mrs. Dellinger, Mrs. Hebert, Mr. Detweiler . . . All of them.
Askham, Rucker, Walterbach, and even -- though I shudder to say it -- Laydon.
They're so cool. Mrs. Dellinger I have nothing but idolation for, Mr. Detweiler is simply the coolest history nut that ever lived, and Mrs. Hebert is so compassionate.
I love and respect all of my teachers so much . . .
They're pretty sweet.
And then there's Nick.
He didn't really say anything to my so-called friend, but he has his quiet ways. I mean . . .
He didn't do anything right then, but he let's me know.
He stops me in the middle of the hall before we go to fourth period (Mr. D's social studies class, Honors) just to tell me that he think's I'm beautiful.
Not pretty.
Beautiful.
I get butterflies in my stomach and I feel totally light headed just thinking about it.
He is perfect.
He's the kind of guy that feels the following:
When I rain, I shine.
Whether I'm down or up, I glow.
My eyes hold the solar system within them.
And you know what everybody says . . . Guys only tell girls that they really -- I mean REALLY -- like that they're beautiful.
Not cute.
Not pretty.
Beautiful.
So, yeah, I guess that the silly Oberon Choir wench is right.
She is cuter than me.
But I'm more beautiful than she'll ever be.
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Fever
Date: Feb 15th, 2008 4:40:05 am - Subscribe
Mood: Just Ducky!
Alleged Alliteration: Dishing Out Cupid's Arrows!
Irrational as it is, even with all my old wounds, scars, and hurts, I am totally in love. My heart has been taken from my hands . . . And I give it completely willingly.
So my Nick, the boy I wrote "Ignite" for, gave me a poem back today . . . I love my sweetheart. Valentine's day is the best!
Here's what he gave to me . . .
"Rachel
Kind of heart
Loving to all
Beautiful in every way
Our love is a bond
We cannot be broken
We are strong together
Rachel
Happy Valentine's Day!
-Nick Miller"
He's not a man of very many words . . . And he's not much for rhyming or anything. But what he does say swells my little teenaged heart. He is the single most terrific guy on the face of this Earth . . . And I am so lucky to have him.
He thinks I'm beautiful, and he lets me know. He plays with my fingers in a sort of adorable and skiddish way . . . And he's the most devout follower of Him that I've ever known. Ugh, just thinking of him gives me the jitters! I adore my Nick so much . . .
I hope this never ends. I've been hurt really bad before . . . And it's a huge reason why I was outta school for a week . . . And in that acursed hospital. I have boundaries, yeah. But once somebody gets close to me, they're totally in, and I completely trust them . . . And it comes back to bite me in the ass.
I know Nick would never hurt me, though. He's had so many chances. And it's really cool, 'cause when I was having the hardest times, and I was in the Psych Ward, he called me every night. Even if we had nothing to say, he was always there. And we talk about our faith all the time. My parents adore him . . . He's just a real sweetheart.
I've wanted to close up again so terribly, but it's in large measure because of him that I haven't. And I thank God for that, because when I close up I hurt myself . . . And everybody who cares about me.
So I really am blessed.
Not lucky.
Blessed.
There is no such thing as luck, because God does it all for us.
I'm so elated right now. Even with how hard my session with my counselor was today (we were talking about me not eating and needing more sleep and setting boundaries so I don't get hurt), my heart is so full of joy that it just might swell to the point of bursting. I can't even tell you how good it feels . . . To have so much going for me right now. Even though it feels like more shit's going on than good, and it's really hard to get through the day clean -- of cutting -- I'm doing okay.
I'm really, really doing okay.
But, alas, I still have bad grades. It's not that I'm a bad student . . . It's just that we get so much crap piled on us all at once.
But it's fine, I guess.
I have a nice four day weekend to catch up on shit and get some MUCH needed rest, plus trimester three will be here in about a week and I'll have a completely clean slate.
Thank God.
I'm really good in school, and I just have to quit slacking off. I'm so bored, and I'm so sick of all this crap . . . Guess I just need to reapply myself.
Everything is alright.
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Heart, Soul, And Mind
Date: Feb 12th, 2008 11:24:30 pm - Subscribe
Mood: Feline!
Alleged Alliteration: I Love My Cat.
So, today after seventh period -- as is my costom -- I stopped over at my boyfriend's locker. I had put a note in there earlier and was super excited to see that I had gotten his number right . . . And when he found my little card, he spun and gave me a sweet and tiny kiss.
Well, one of the kids next to his locker turned around when he saw that, asking if we were going out.
"Yeah," I told him.
"Yup!" was my Nick's responce.
He nodded his head in acknowledgment.
"Cool, cool. So have you had sex yet?" he asked us.
I reacted without thinking.
"Nick and I are both Christians, and we don't believe in having sex before marriage." My face was hot and my expression was stone as these words flew out of my mouth. I was aware that I was doing it, but it wasn't entirely me, either.
"Yeah," Nick said, as he put his arm slightly around me.
What a great guy he is. He was really upset by that, too! We walked down the halls, side by side (as usual), and he looked over at me very suddenly, saying "That's really bad. How corrupt the people are . . ."
I have never loved anyone more than that. In that moment, I realized just how lucky I was . . . I probably have the best guy in the world, and he's given me his heart, too.
You know, in my Christian youth group this weekend, we were talking about the differences between males and females, and how we both were made in the image of God. We were talking about how both sides of humanity's whole reflect different aspects of our Maker (i.e., a guy's strength and need to protect, a girl's compassion and need to defend), and how as Christians we are not perfect, but how the ultimate goal is to obtain His likeness and therefore His divinity.
We were talking about how when you see someone who's Christian, and you don't see them . . .
You see God.
That's my Nick. He is completely pure in heart, soul, and mind. He is a reflection of Jesus' love and God's passion. He is so awesome . . . And I'm not saying that he is God. But he is God-like. And I can't tell you how incredible it is.
The world needs more people like my Nick . . . I know that I'm not the best, but I hope that at least someone can say the same about me. That I'm a God-like creature.
And the coolest thing is . . . Our God isn't male or female. He's nothing, and therefore He relates to both sides.
I like to think that Nick is the perfect completion to me . . . I'm only a teenager, but I know I'm sure in love.
It's days like this that just get me high.
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Ignite, For Nick
Date: Feb 12th, 2008 12:06:05 am - Subscribe
Mood: Bubbly and chipper!
Alleged Alliteration: Totally In Love!
Ignite
2 - 11 - 2008
Loneca
IGNITE
You hold my heart inside of my hands
And when I’m with you, everything is just fine
You make me totally safe, right here where I stand
Because you’re the one person I can always call mine
The best part is -- you always catch me so I never have to land
So many times I find myself wondering
What exactly it is that I ever did to deserve you
And so fast am I now discovering
It doesn’t matter, from out of the blue
It’s my love for you that’s got me recovering
I love how you play with my fingers
When we hold hands, I love
How your smile lights up everything, even more than Mrs. Dellinger’s
And it’s the best feeling when you kiss me and look down at me from above
I swear I can fly, when I’m with you -- and I love how you’re such a thinker
So many times I find myself wondering
What exactly it is that I ever did to deserve you
And so fast am I now discovering
It doesn’t matter, from out of the blue
It’s my love for you that’s got me recovering
So here’s to you, and I just thought you should know
That I love you, and you make this all worthwhile
And I swear I’ll never let you go
You’re the one person who can always make me smile
Even if it doesn’t always show.
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A Formal Introduction
Date: Feb 9th, 2008 7:41:46 am - Subscribe
Mood: Spicy!
Alleged Alliteration: Incredibly happy.
It all started just a little over fourteen years ago.
I grew up in a very loving and secure environment, with my parents married five years before having me. My mom came down with toxic shock syndrome after she gave birth to me, but I came out perfectly fine. Technically, my mom shouldn't be here at all, but the Lord was watching out for us.
When I was taken home for the first time, though, my dad was scared shitless because he had no one to help him out. There was him, and there was me, and that was all.
Daddy meticulously obsessed himself with my belly button, and it's all funky because of it. I have a cute little outie instead of the normal innie, and every time I look at it, I'm only reminded of how much my father loves me.
My mom made it out of her troubles alright eventually, and to this day we're a happy little family just getting by in this world.
Roughly five years after my birth, for up until that point I was an only child, my little brother came into being. My fondest memories of that time were when I would sit in my mom's hospital room and watch Pokemon, and when -- on the first day of his life -- the nurse gave me a "big sister" sticker.
Now, all these years later, I am a bored teenager with a thirst for adrenaline (seriously, I think I'm addicted to horror movies) and one of the world's most opinionated souls ever.
I am completly unconventional, I defy all definition, and I am totally unorthodox. In fact, I strive to be anything but normal. What the hell is normal anyway?
I have my fair share of issues, I'm not perfect. But I do so try to be the best at, well . . . Pretty much everything.
When I get older, I have dreams of becoming a journalist and sharing my Christian views on the everything with absolutely anyone who will listen -- er, I mean, read.
But before that I hope to be able to go to England's Oxford college, and earn masters degrees in both journalism and astronomy.
I am a choir girl, and very proud of it. I wouldn't trade my voice for anything in the world . . . Whether said voice in question be that on paper or that in the air.
Thank you for reading.
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