Kids!
Date: Jul 18th, 2011 7:54:06 am - Subscribe
Mood: better


Went swimming at the lake yesterday with my fiancée, some friends, and there kids. It was a lot of fun actually! They have a 1 1/2 yr old and it was his first time in anything bigger than a kiddie pool. He had a floaty but his face was still great to see. Big old smile and an evil giggle here and there. Amazing how a kid can make your day better. Was way grumpy after a while yesterday when I was getting tired. Also we ran into one of dads "friends". I should totally be used to it by now but some things just still get to me and some "surprises" just take a while to shake off. Oh, well whats done is done, and stuff is just stuff. In the long run they say its the thought that counts and as long as you still have these people in your heart they'll always be with you. Man, I hope that's true. Hoping to bug my Tab to go with me and Grams dress shopping soon.... I'm getting EXCITED!!! Just gotta not let myself stress the small stuff. The important detail is I love the big head, he makes me smile, and he tries. With that, eventually we can fix the rest. Well I believe this is one of my longer rambling posts and so far not to grumpy sounding...good sign?.... maybe?....well shit either way I'll take it! grin.gif
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No privacy or any sense of a real life.
Date: Apr 6th, 2011 10:37:43 am - Subscribe
Mood: hopeless


I don't really feel like writing at this moment I really feel like ranting to the heavens, to the neighbors, to anyone and everyone who will listen. I wanna just tear out my hair and scream and be a crazy person. I mean really!!! I have no internet yet I try to get on as often as I can. Writing soothes and calms me, it helps me keep my head on straight which is great with the everything else that's going on. However I can't even do that. I have... I mean had... a journal at my house to write in and after the 4th person to pretty much destroy/read it I quit! Fuck it i'll write in it when I can and damn any poor souls who are around between now and then. Should I put a dead bolt on my bedroom door in my own house just so I can keep something...anything...private. Ridiculous. Should I just start tryin to be a raging psycho so maybe there scared of me and leave my shit alone? I am supposed to get marries in a year and I'm not sure if i even want to. Who wants one or all 3 of there brother -in-laws living on there couch sucking them dry like a leech. I love Kenny truly with all my heart but it has been almost 5 years now and nothing has changed in that department we just keep trading them out. I am so almost over this. Yes I know I seem to always be bitching on here but I have no one to talk to and obviously no journal left so FFUCK IT!!! Worl be prepared. Hopefully next time I get on I can write and entry full of sunshine and light but realistically.... probably not.
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When it rains it pours...
Date: Oct 25th, 2010 8:24:03 am - Subscribe
Mood: losin it


I don't get to get on much anymore. Seems crazy because i used to get one all the time. But now i'm always working or watching kids, plus I don't have my own net connection anymore. I have a journal at home on paper. It's just not the same. It's totally getting to the point were I don't wanna answer my phone anymore. Every time I do it's someone telling me bad news or wanting something. I hate to break it to people but I have way too much shit to do already to add holding there hand to that list. The people who need the help the most don't want it and everyone else is so used to someone cleaning up there messes for them that they keep askin for help they don't really need. I'm just gonna do what I can for who I can and say screw the rest. You can't pick your own kids up from school. I don't care. You can't pay your bills because you spent all of your money on stupid crap. I don't care. You are gonna have to work late because I requested the day off...for once..... I don't care. I am broke, lonely and sad too you see me tryin to get anyone else to make it better...no... cuz I did it to myself just stop bitchin and fix it if you want it to get better. No one says your step dad is dying of cancer here's some free money so you can go up and see him. No one says your mom needs help...here's a work vacation so you can go help her take care of him. No one says your are going to be very close if not late on rent this month... dont worry bout it live here for free. No one says you need phone minutes to keep up with the tests results phone messages... here's a free phone card. No... no ones wiping my ass or making my life easier why should I try so damn hard to help with there's especially when it keeps getting me screwed over. Oh, well there's my bitchy hormonal "grown adults should take care of themselves or have no legal rights rant." Think of me what you will cuz guess what... I DON'T CAREgrin.gif lol
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Mixed up and confused!
Date: Mar 19th, 2010 11:47:12 pm - Subscribe
Mood: fragile


Everything has been crazy lately. It seems almost impossible that its been a year since my dad passed. Some days are normal and some days it seems like my brain will explode! I am so emotional lately I start crying over little things. I get irritated over nothing, and not sleeping well. Anyway long story short I decides that it was stuff I could no longer deal with myself and went to the local Lutheran which offers free counciling and talked to lady. I am on a waiting list and have to wait for another appointment I am super nervous and yet mildly excited at the same time. It's hard. I hate asking people for help and I don't like talking to strangers. But its been a long time since I've had someone to talk to that was not judging me based on what they wanted for.me. God I hope they get space soon. I completely understand that there are people out there that need help sooner than me I am just nervous and impatient. I worry about everything too much... including worrying too much. Oh well I'll survive. Hopefully. Just kidding. Well time to try and sleep now that I've mildly calmed the tornado of my mind. B-dee, b-dee, b-dee that's all folks!
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Too true...
Date: May 1st, 2009 4:38:39 am - Subscribe
Mood: needy


I heard this song and I didn't know why I lvoed it so much at first. Then I looked up the lyrics and realized I probably couldnt have writted the feelngs any better myself. But it's how I feel most days...


"I don't wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest
Or the girl who never wants to be alone
I don't wanna be that call at four o'clock in the mornin'
'Cause I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home

Ah, the sun is blindin'
I stayed up again
Oh, I am findin'
That's not the way I want my story to end

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're my protection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I don't wanna be the girl that has to fill the silence
The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth
Please don't tell me that we had that conversation
'Cause I won't remember, save your breath
'Cause what's the use?

Ah, the night is callin'
And it whispers to me softly, "Come and play"
But I, I am fallin'
And if I let myself go I'm the only one to blame

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

Comin' down, comin' down, comin' down
Spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round
I'm lookin' for myself, sober

Comin' down, comin' down, comin' down
Spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round
Lookin' for myself, sober

When it's good, then it's good, it's so good 'til it goes bad
'Til you're trying to find the you that you once had
I have heard myself cry 'never again'
Broken down in agony, just tryin' find a friend, oh, oh

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?"
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