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moonlit Crossroads - Subscribe
Do you ever feel like you are stuck? Like no matter which choice you make you have no way of telling what could happen? I feel that way right now. My heart and mind are in a battle....but then...a small glimmer of something else comes along and suddenly I'm at a crossroads. Can someone be happy and sad at the same time? Love someone and despise them too? It's like I want to hold on to all I have yet reach for something else at the same time. I'm trying to stay above water in a River thats flowing to fast.

My daughter Raelynn gives me so much joy. She is 9 months now and she is growing so fast I wish there was something I could do to slow her down. She is totally the best thing in my life.

Does it sound horrible to say that I kinda wish that I didn't get married? Dont get me wrong, I LOVE Jesse, and the last 3 years have been good for the most part, but sometimes I crave my independance. I feel like we are so different in so many ways. We are both really head strong and that often clashes. I feel like I'm always giving in instead of going after what I want too. He is so used to "parenting" his own parents what he thinks he has to parent me as well. Stress.

"and I never wanted anything from you, except everything you have and what was left after that too" -The dog days are over

Mood: burdened

velouria Pixies Update Sep 20th, 2010 10:23:03 am - Subscribe
About a year ago, I had planned to see the Pixies in Washington, DC but was unable to get tickets. I actually did get tickets - front-row-center-seats, but Ticketmaster freaked out and lost them.

I did see the Pixies September 10, 2010! :-)
It was awesome!!
Mood: enraptured
: Pixies

velouria Twisted Nov 23rd, 2009 3:15:23 pm - Subscribe
My analyst told me that I was right out of my head
The way he described it, he said I'd be better dead than live
I didn't listen to his jive
I knew all along he was all wrong
And I knew that he thought I was crazy but I'm not
Oh no!

My analyst told me that I was right out of my head
He said I'd need treatment but I'm not that easily led
He said I was the type that was most inclined
When out of his sight to be out of my mind
And he thought I was nuts, no more ifs or ands or buts
Oh no!

They say as a child I appeared a little bit wild
With all my crazy ideas
But I knew what was happenin', I knew I was a genius
What's so strange when you know that you're a wizard at three?
I knew that this was meant to be

Well I heard little children were supposed to sleep tight
That's why I drank a fifth of vodka one night
My parents got frantic, didn't know what to do
But I saw some crazy scenes before I came to
Now do you think I was crazy?
I may have been only three but I was swingin'

They all laughed at angry young men
They all laughed at Edison and also at Einstein
So why should I feel sorry if they just couldn't understand
The litany and the logic that went on in my head?
I had a brain, it was insane
Oh they used to laugh at me
When I refused to ride on all those double decker buses
All because there was no driver on the top

My analyst told me that I was right out of my head
The way he described it, he said I'd be better dead than live
I didn't listen to his jive
I knew all along he was all wrong
And I knew that he thought I was crazy but I'm not
Oh no!

My analyst told me that I was right out of my head
But I said "Dear doctor, I think that it's you instead
'Cause I have got a thing that's unique and new
It proves that I'll have the last laugh on you
'Cause instead of one head... I got two
And you know two heads are better than one"
Mood: twisted

velouria Pixies! Aug 20th, 2009 6:58:33 pm - Subscribe
Nov 30, 2009!!! I'm going to see the Pixies in Washington, D. C.
I have already planned out the air/hotel :-D
I just have to buy the tickets Sept 11!!
Mood: Excited
: The Pixes

velouria Fortune Jun 12th, 2009 6:45:20 am - Subscribe
"You will be successful through innovation and determination."
That was my fortune for today.

I have been innovative in making money (back) today. I should receive a refund of about 140 dollars in the next seven days. happy.gif
Mood: hmmm okay

velouria Been A While Apr 22nd, 2009 10:59:41 am - Subscribe
Much time has passed, and many things have happened since I last wrote in my blog.
I have a different position where I work. I think I'll like it so much better than my other. My old boss was..well...I had to get away from her. She's not "boss" material and was just given the job. They're regretting it now! haha

perfect110 Over two years ago... Dec 6th, 2008 9:14:55 am - Subscribe
It has almost been two years since I have written in here. Amazing how much has changed. I doubt there is hardly anyone left that remembers me.

In the past two years I have found freedom (if that exists) from my eating disorder. Am a lot more happy and content with life. I also moved out of my house (twice), first to go a treatment type center and secondly to move out for good into an apartment. I have gotten back into church. Been dumped by two boyfriends. Made a bunch of amazing friends and then lost them all.

I suppose that is why I am writing in here now. I am so incredibly lonely. My heart longs for human interaction. I want to be accepted and liked and loved for who I am. I want people to leave comments on my facebook and e-mail me! I want people to call me. I want to matter. I want... to be noticed.

Right now I am fighting not to run back to what was my coping mechanism for six years. I know why I want to do it but that doesn't help. I want to do it because I am stressed about finals next week, I am lonely, I am depressed, and I am angry but I don't know what to do about it except run and eat everything I can and then vomit into the toilet for an hour. I am feeling out of control. I am feeling rejected. I am feeling like the life I have serves no purpose at all. I could easily be replaced.

I have not had these feelings for over a year, and yet here they all come- rushing back in. Will I ever truly be over this? Am I just going to use my whole life fighting with food and my emotions? I want to a be a photographer but so what- there are thousands of amazing photographers.

Maybe I am just having a depressed week.
Mood: agitated

moonlit Crap Happens Oct 7th, 2008 12:33:01 pm - Subscribe
Life is not going so well. I'm jobless right now and trying hard to find something but it seems like everything is taken.

I don't think I understand anything anymore. I'm tired of trusting people.

Mood: doomed

velouria Itchy Stitchy! ::scratchy scratch scratch:: Sep 22nd, 2008 4:23:13 pm - Subscribe
Last Monday I had two biopsies performed - one on my face and one on my back. The results came back today when I had the one, cute, little stitch removed from my face grin.gif

The face biopsy was normal.
The back biopsy was in the medium range for abnormalities. They did another *small* surgery today on my back. Now I have a sideways eye-shaped, stitched-up cut on my back. Argh!! I have to deal with stitches again now :-/

I will get my results back next week and have my stitches removed in two weeks.

I'm not worried, it's just a bit of a nuissance because it's in the upper middle of my back where I cannot reach without much trouble. I may have to recruit someone to change my bandage for me. haha

My back is unscratchable itch lol
Mood: itchy

velouria The Bull In The China Shop Jul 8th, 2008 4:04:20 pm - Subscribe
Sheldon Construction has been installing the sewer in my neighborhood. I'm sure they do an excellent job, but they leave destruction in their wake.

Over the span of two weeks, this is what occured:

1. Early one morning Sheldon Const. cut my cable line in two. (The cable company later tried to charge me two service fees because they didn't make good notes on the problem)
2. A few days later, Sheldon Const. hit a water line. When I came home, I had air/mud in my lines for several hours. I probably have some leaks now although I'm not yet aware.
3. A few days after that, Sheldon Const. knocked out the power to eight homes in my area.
4. Two days later nature (NOT Sheldon Const) happened upon my house. I was on my bed when I saw lightning strike my house seven feet away at my window. My phone/internet was knocked out for 2 1/2 days.
5. Five days after the lightning strike, Sheldon visited me again. I came home Thursday night to find my cable line had been ripped off my house! haha Cable came out on the 4th of July and fixed it.

I only have one untouched utility: GAS
Let's hope nothing happens there...we would not want that happy.gif
Mood: touched

velouria Holter Monitor Jun 17th, 2008 12:34:09 pm - Subscribe
I got a Holter Monitor put on yesterday. I have to wear it for 24 hours. I can take it off today at 2:13 PM happy.gif

I hope it caught my heart doing crazy stuff! I do NOT want to have to wear this monitor again. It was only for 24 hours, but it was a real pain. I couldn't sleep well because I was worrying about it all night lol
Mood: agitated

velouria Willows Mourn Mar 13th, 2008 12:21:18 am - Subscribe
We met upon a mossy lane
‘Neath many a shady tree.
We walked about and spoke of life
As it were meant to be.

My love and I, our lives were one
He took my heart that day.
I ne’r again need walk alone
We’d be wed right away.

My love, then spoke those sad’ning words
I so yearned not to hear
He said to war he must then go
But that I should not fear

My love so long did fight so true;
My heart in constant pain.
Then one grey day I sensed the shock;
Knew it’d not be the same.

The shot that brought him down that day;
Surely, it pierced my heart.
Right then I knew I mustn’t live
Lest we be kept apart.

But on that night, he came to me,
Said there, I should remain.
Alas I felt that this was wrong;
My love I’d not refrain.

So out I went into the night
In search of his dear soul
And now my spirit roams these woods
The Willows sing my song.

Green willows mourn this day
And whisper this sad tune
A song of love and loss it be
Until our great reun’n
Mood: Celtic
: Willows Mourn

velouria Gimme Back My License Plate! Feb 25th, 2008 4:45:05 pm - Subscribe
I can't believe my luck! haha
I just noticed that my license plate is gone!
I do not remember it being gone last night, but it was possibly stolen from my driveway. Or, it may have been stolen from the parking garage at my office building...or across campus in another staff lot.

I called the police and told them I was not sure where it was stolen and was informed that I could only make a report in the city in which it was stolen! haha So I was like " was stolen in *this* city"

I'm still waiting now for the police to call me back to take my report over the phone. It's been about two hours now...I hope they call soon lol.

I don't want to get home tonight and hear of "the get-away car had the license tag XXX### and seems to be registered to My Name" lol
Mood: Criminalized

velouria Bomb Scare! Feb 22nd, 2008 3:00:36 pm - Subscribe
I was diligently working at my desk when I heard a voice from the hall saying we had to evacuate the building immediately.

We all scattered out, yelling out a warning into the bathrooms as we passed. Outside, we heard there was a suspicious package near the front door. It was described as a long, tall brown bag partially open. Someone else had said it was a "package."

Most emergency services were in attendance for this grand event: Firemen, Policemen, and Bomb Squad! We stood at the far corner of the back parking lot....waiting...waiting then BOOM!

Geese, ducks, and heron were startled into flight in all directions. The bomb squad had exploded the package.

The inquisitive went to the front of the building and discovered the tattered remains of...what??? what is that??? It looks like napkins? Yes! Smoothie King napkins!

Turns out that the Smoothie King man had dropped the package of napkins as he was leaving after bringing refreshments to our nursing department.

What an exciting afternoon that was.
Mood: adventurous

velouria On Being Invisible Oct 29th, 2007 3:43:45 pm - Subscribe
There is but One who sees an invisible one.

Scream, but there is silence.
Speak, but there is noise.
Please listen to the invisible one.

There are many "invisible ones" in our world today. Perhaps you work with one or sit next to one in class. There's the quiet guy you never notice on the bus, the lady who silently walks around to complete her shopping. The person who tries to communicate in groups but is ignored or cannot be heard from the lack of others' listening.
These people hurt. They want to be heard and ignored no more.
Can't we all stop our selfishness enough to listen to the invisible? to show compassion? Why don't we care?
Mood: Thoughtful

velouria Been a While Sep 15th, 2007 6:21:41 pm - Subscribe
It's been a couple months since I posted. I'm playing Rakion online and Kal and MU AND I just started a new game: Blue Rose.
It's fun happy.gif
It's really kind of a corny cheezy game..but I have a car lol! So I have fun driving around ^^
Work has been crazy! It is finaly slowing down now though! After everyone gets in classes, it gets better happy.gif
Mood: eh

eth84 I am going to Sep 13th, 2007 8:19:22 am - Subscribe
clear everything here. My blog for the past few years have been nothing but complaints and things of no significance, and foolishness for most parts. So I've decided to abandon this blog.

There is a time for everything, so this is it. I'll keep links as they are.

Oh, and thanks to aeonity. It's the best free blog service I've seen and used.
Mood: torn

velouria Celebrity Look Alike Jun 30th, 2007 1:29:21 am - Subscribe

velouria Six Flags Jun 15th, 2007 10:08:59 pm - Subscribe
We went to Six Flags yesterday. It was fun happy.gif
If you go, ride the Goliath in the front seat!!!
Do not ride Acrophobia lol!!! ::pant::
Mood: fragile

velouria Sinking Apr 18th, 2007 5:21:00 pm - Subscribe
Three Ships Sinking
One Yellow
One Blue
One Black

Waking up on a rainy morning
Before the sun has risen
Standing on the dock
Looking out into the water

I couldn't believe they
all had sunk
Three ships in succession
This was a dream
Mood: strange