R.I.P. J.M.B. Apr. 2nd 2009
Date: Apr 6th, 2009 11:39:20 pm - Subscribe
My father passed away like...3... days ago... wow only three I can't believe it, it feels infinitely longer and at the same time shorter than that. I have only broke down once so far, thank god, but I just know it's coming. I am numb right now I am sure this entry will come off very blah for such a horrible event but I just can't seem to let myself feel much because as soon as I do I will loose it. I can't afford to lose it right now because we have to do the funeral and the caskets and all of that still. I am not the oldest it is not technically my job to do those things but I can't leave my sister to do it all her self, she needs help and she needs someone to be there for her as much if not, honestly, more than we do. There is a lot on her shoulders right now and I hope I have helped relieve that in some small way. My younger brother scares me we almost lost him last year, and he's on meds for depression and he hasn't cried or really got upset at all. I am hoping he is just sticking it out and trying to stay strong like the rest of us but eventually I know he has to let it out. I don't know why I am telling you guys all of this I believe it's because I have been camping at my sisters for a few days so I have none of my writing stuff and I need a release. When there is too much on my mind I can't sleep and I would really like to so sometimes if I write it helps relieve that. I am rambling I know but I know that once I lay down to sleep I will start thinking again. During the day we have lots to do so i can kind of just sit back and auto pilot myself but at night there are no distractions from my thoughts and usually they crush me the most. I was supposed to be on the way to my friends wedding when I found out I was the maid of honor.... I feel bad because I had to leave, I had to be here and she says she understands.... I really think and hope so... I owe her SO SO much. I finally got to see my brother Johnny again it has been years that was also great and I made sure to get solid contact info this time because I don't want to lose him again and when he wants to be lost he's pretty slippery. Well I guess that's it my eye lids feel like there covered in cement... lets hope this sleep thing works huh... ok well bye!
Despair in a pretty package.
Date: Sep 12th, 2008 12:26:17 am - Subscribe
How can I still love something
that has broken my heart so thouroghly
How come I am never enough
Why aren't my blood, sweat, time, tears,
smiles, laughs, hopes and fears
not enough for anyone
I gave up my heart
and my home
and jumped out on a tiny limb
praying you could catch me if I fell
your arms are strong enough
your shoulders broad enough
your heart big enough
your mind clear enough
and yet you dropped me again
how can I love you if I cannot trust you
how can you hear anyone talk
when your screaming so loud
will I ever be strong enough
to keep you from bringing me down
I should have listened to my heart
I new you were all the same
I new you would be just like him
but am I all to blame
for I may be the fool who fell for your lies
but in the end your going to lose your own game
Date: Aug 14th, 2008 2:46:13 am - Subscribe
"...learn not to close your heart and mind in grief. Allow life to replenish you. When sorrow comes it seems impossible - but new joys wait to fill the void."
I thought I was going to lose one of the most important people in my life not even a week ago. I am still scared everyday that I still could. It wasn't an accident it was a choice and one that could easily be made again that's what scares me so damn much! I found this quote a few days after the incident and I have to say that I agree. I couldn't just sit and bawl and worry I worked and cleaned and did everything I could to fill my head with the stupid comings and goings of my day to day life. The people in my life were great they did everything they could to help me and so much more. I will never forget them as long as I live. I will never forget how they were there for me. I love them all so much and I don't ever know how I could repay them.
Date: Jul 1st, 2008 11:50:17 pm - Subscribe
I have had an interesting day running into an old friend who I am now chatting with. I didn't realize I missed this friend so much, or rather the side of myself that person brings out in me. I really enjoy our conversations, though they tend to float a lot between several topics. It amuses me. I couldn't wait to get online and see if my friend was there. I think that is part of the reason I miss certain people so much and avoid others even more because they each bring out a different part of me and some of them I enjoy more than others. Some I have to play or change to make fit there standards and that really grates on my nervous system after a time. I feel as if I can kind of, let a certain, often smothered part of me breathe around this person and it feels good to stretch my lungs. Well that is all I will ramble for the moment. Until later. Bye
Your so gay... and you don't even like boys!!!
Date: Jun 14th, 2008 11:18:43 am - Subscribe
So what's new you ask... life! I have a job at Subway, yes I am a slave of the corporate machine. Oh well, it pays the bills and I love my boss. Boss = my friend Rachel who is hands down the coolest boss ever. I work random hours though usually I close, and I get to eat Subway which as far as fast food goes, doesn't suck to heinously. Tomorrow is my birthday, WOOT! I guess. I don't know if I'm half as excited as everyone else seems to be but it does make me feel loved that they care so much. Presently tally at the moment...one... one totally awesome one! I got a book from my friend/ neighbors boyfriend Joe. Ok, so those of you who don't get why that's awesome... firstly I love books... secondly I don't have to by it now... thirdly it's the fourth book to a series I have read the rest of by one of my favorite authors... and fourth...ly?... I TOTALLY WANTED IT BAD!!! I squealed like a girl when I saw it. Later today I am supposed to go see my family for birthday celebrations, which is sweet because I get to see my mom and my brother who I miss more than any... anywhere. And I also hope to get more nifty presents and get to do some fun stuff with my family. I hope... they have a tendency to be... hypocritical and judgmental... but when they get that way I hide in my little circle with my mom and bro and step dad and take solace in the fact that there are still open minded people out there somewhere. Well, I think this is already longer than I intended so I will stop rambling... oh, wait... here is a pic of my new tattoo right after it was finished... I love it!!!!
And here is a video for the song this entries named after... you should watch it, it's funny as hell!
Lol, love you guys!!! Bye!
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