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femmeemo Where else do you even put it? - Subscribe
It's been well over a year I think since I've put anything on here. I hurt today. I've hurt for months and selfishly feel like I can't put it anywhere. So I'll dig in the backyard, dig up that box with the dust covered key and unlock this old place. This place that is always here; and untouched. Just my own worn out shoe prints leading to and from this pages to guide me.

My brother was arrested yesterday.

My baby brother. He was arrested twice before this; but this time is different. This time I don't get to see him anymore. This time he'll serve time. Probably a long time.

I hurt.
I carry misplaced guilt. Selfishly.

There. I've put it somewhere. So maybe it won't feel so heavy.
Mood: -
I Hear: nothing

femmeemo The living UFO Dec 4th, 2014 4:53:24 pm - Subscribe

I knew that this day would come- the day when I was harboring a fugitive inside my virgin walls. My life has been absolutely upside down the past month. Turns out creating life is a difficult undertaking- it's eerie to think that there is brain activity going on inside me that is not mine, nor do I have any control over the secondary heart beating in my belly.

I got to see it on Monday- sure enough it had a flickering pen line of a heart. Little nubs that will one day be arms, and in seven months... I guess I will be a mother. I feel more like a mothership than a mother. The parasite inside of me makes me hungry, nauseous. Makes me angry, sad, and say things I totally mean. Makes me feel more anxiety, less anxiety than I ever though possible. It has been such a roller coaster, and besides the curiously alcohol-free nature of my life the past month and some... I don't look much different.

I notice the paunch getting more defined, even despite the pounds I've lost. My chest is heavier and more sensitive than ever. I have the biggest bags under my eyes I've ever seen.

I've confided my secret in few- my grandmother makes me the happiest. She is full of hope and love, and strange words of wisdom. The rest of the family finding out makes me both anxious and that we will be judged- and at the same time I will feel so good after Saturday when everyone will know.

So far the baby is healthy. We are in our own place, and we are surviving. He is excited. I mostly worry, and feel nauseous.

About money.

About being a decent parent.

About managing working while I feel like total garbage.

About maintaining our budget.

About if our alien will sprout up normal.

Mood: Sprawling
I Hear: Madeline Peyroux

femmeemo Vomitus Explicous Nov 7th, 2014 1:02:01 pm - Subscribe

Life has put me through the ringer lately and I feel so overwhelmingly alone that it's difficult to put this anyplace.

"When it is dark enough, you can see the stars."

Thanks Emerson.

Everything swirled over me so quickly, and I refused to process any of my feelings from about September on- and now I have a soul crushing amount of things that are no longer content to sit in the darkness, and have taken it upon themselves to all start screaming their white hot insults at me at once. I would normally have several confidants, but in this I am alone. I have Spencer, and now he is angry with me- for what I see as a menial slip, and that I know he takes as a grave offense.

I am tired of taking everyone's feelings into account. Why can't I have my moment to stand here, and cry and yell. It isn't fair, or maybe it is. I am not ready, or maybe I am. I can't handle the failings of my family.
Of his family.

I can't deal with our living arrangements, and all I want is a bathtub to drown myself in.

I see myself failing at work, I see myself failing at home, and I carry this alone, and yet- I forgot to mention I had applied for a day off and it is cause enough to belittle my commitment to my relationship.

I am exhausted.

I am constantly ill. But no. Smile, and be the rock for everyone. Listen to your father talk about your ungrateful brother. Listen to your mother guilt you about having some level of independence. Listen to your mother in law demonize everything you do.

Listen to yourself tell yourself that you're not good enough- that you're a colossal fuck up. Listen to that same voice tell you that you wanted to play in the big leagues and be an adult- and then you only want to cower behind your mother's skirt folds of safety, even though your own mother is more fucked up than you.

I do not feel okay. I am tired of carrying. Tired of being the emotional pack mule for everyone.

I can't do this. I am afraid.
I am afraid and nauseous.

Mood: complicated
I Hear: the radio.

deathcab4u Satellite Repairs Oct 9th, 2014 11:16:23 pm - Subscribe
It wasn't a long ride from Clayton's home to the depot, but it wasn't exactly a short one either. The sun would be above the horizon by the time he was getting off the tram at his destination. The trams are relatively comfortable. They hard metal seats are at least contoured in a way that seems encourage healthy posture.

This far out from the city center there are only a few passengers remaining on board for the last half of the journey. Young looking, but of course almost everyone looks young. Most dressed like farmers and a few students. One man dressed and assuming the appearance of a merchant.

He is the only one that seems impatient to get to where we are going, the rest of them content to watch out the window and occasionally make eye contact and smile with each other. Except for the business man, he darts away his gaze if eye should accidentally meet.

Now there were only a handful of green dots on the minimap. It was Clayton, the business man, an old woman and a student on the train with just the tram engineer and conductor on board. In his periphery armor suit he attracted more than a few glances and stares throughout the journey but the three other passengers in the car seemed used to his presence by now. It isn't often people see a ranger on public transportation. Especially one with the amount of equipment and armaments as Clayton was carrying.

Surely he was being talked about now as the departed passengers reached their laboratories and offices, markets, and fields. What was a fully equipped ranger doing out his way? The threats were in the jungles to the west and south. They came down from the mountains to the north. But there was nothing to the east. It is a desert that no one has ever come back from.

As the tram came to a halt and the doors opened the old woman smiled a goodbye at Clayton and he bowed back reverently. The business man gathered his things and was off in a huff, never looking back. The student was absorbed in a video call with an attractive girl which brought back Clayton's memories from the night before.

"Was it real? Was she real? Was it all just the dream? Too many questions," he told himself. Of course she was real and he had indeed met her but he had never fallen in love before and nobody had warned him what it would feel like.

"Damnit, I really need to focus," he mutters to himself as he walks the remainder of the way to the depot. "This is not the day to be distracted."

This is the first time those five satellites will go online. Patrol units made two trips in the last week to clear the way. Only two encounters with predators on the first patrol and none the second.

He will have to stay calm and alert, keeping patient as he divides his attention between two tasks. If he loses himself completely in his work he will end up somebody's lunch.

He enters a sequence of numbers onto a pad next to a set of blast doors. They open up and he slips into a dimly lit hallway disappearing from sight.

Mood: ill have to change this box
I Hear: my dad's tv set

deathcab4u Waking up Oct 8th, 2014 10:16:39 am - Subscribe
Waking up is usually mundane. In the city it might be accompanied by the sounds of trams and cars in the intersections.

Out in the country the rooster calls out at first light, he is followed by the crescendo of bird song.

Either way, all but the very unfortunate few will wake up where they went to sleep. Seamlessly arising to meet a new day where it left off the night before.

On this particular day Clayton Wade woke up like he did most days. Ten minutes before his alarm went off he was up and getting ready. Having no particular reason to think today was different than any other, his thoughts were simple and pleasant. With the face of a woman he met last night filling his mental vision he shaved and got dressed robotically. His imagination engrossed in a little fantasy he continued from the dream just before he came to.

Boop-Beep-Boop! Boop-Beep-Boop! "Wake-up-bro," says the alarm. He waved his hand quickly but smoothly over something on a hook and the chime ceased to alert.

"Where was I?" he asked himself out loud. The device on the hook chimed in, "Good morning Clayton, you have five satellites today. I -"

He waves his hand over it again, silencing it. He put it on and finished getting dressed. With his fantasy broken by the interrupting watch there was nothing left to do but gather his focus for a long day.

Most field engineers would never have five satellites in one day but Clayton is one of the most exceptional of his time. However often he fails to see that about himself it is true none the less. Todays route has him going the furthest out anyone has ever gone from the city. It is a dangerous endeavor.

Once outside the city walls there are things of all shapes and sizes that want to eat humans. The threat is constant, however the most travelled routes are fairly safe. "Patrolman with weapons have done well to keep the city safe," he thinks to himself, "but there have been not patrols to where I'm going."

He is going to have to be vigilant today. He fastens on a full periphery suit. It's even better than eyes in the back of your head. This technology enhances the senses to superhuman levels. With it he can hear like a bat, see like an eagle, and feel electromagnetic fields of living organisms. It's armor as well, protecting from piercing and slashing as well. However, it can't protect him from being crushed, picked up, thrown, flown or pulled apart. "So I'll bring backup batteries for my plasma rifle."

He is beginning to look more like a cool astronaut than a ranger as he latches his spare ammo batts onto his waist belt. Rifle slung over one shoulder and a tool bag full of interesting objects hanging low on the hip. A sleek helmet completed the equipment.

The visor on the helmet came to life. After a few moments a heads up display came over the visor like it was a computer screen. His map and other vital information displayed around the edges of the screen. The computer constantly analysing the world around through cameras, satellites and the periphery suit. Life forms start dotting up all over on the map, the friendly green dots aren't the ones he need worry about.

Mood: disgusted

femmeemo Sadie, see she's crazy. May 22nd, 2014 6:27:36 pm - Subscribe

Home again, home again.
Jiggity jig.

I don't actually know if I mentioned the fact that I'm getting married. I honestly don't know- and I really don't think I did. Well. Let me be the first to tell you, dear internet: I am getting married.

It was supposed to be October 4th, 2014. We pushed it back. Or, rather- are pushing it back. This was actually not at all what I intended on blogging about. But- I suppose since I haven't actually told anyone yet save for my mother, and my grandmother- I suppose there is something cathartic about sharing a secret. I hope by the time we tell his discouragingly nosy family that I will be so numb to the emotions around having to push it a year that it won't be a painful topic.

The joys of having a family that talks big, but is ultimately inherently selfish.

But I digress. All I want is to be caught up. I am exhausted but can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am off the PEI in a week and a half- and it should be great. After that I have a trip to Winnipeg and then I am done travelling for a while. In the meantime- I need to seriously ask myself if I want to give up this amazing opportunity and step down to YTP. On the one hand- it would afford me more one to one experience with youth, a la case management style. But. On the other hand- I am closer to thirty now than I have ever been, I am not going to want to be front line staff forever... perhaps having more experience as an administrator isn't a bad thing.

Torn. Then whole reason I wanted to go to YTP is so I could be home for the wedding, and now that it is no longer a huge issue- maybe I wait. Maybe I stay put.

I'm going to get my new tattoo this summer. I am going to do it.

As the kids say.

Mood: Ulcery.
I Hear: Good Mourning.

femmeemo Sometimes we pause Mar 12th, 2014 6:17:05 pm - Subscribe

It's been awhile since I've written here, but in a few weeks I kick off my first round of travels for work. Saskatoon, Banff, Miami, Toronto, New York, Toronto, Winnipeg, PEI and Toronto. A week here, a few days there... it adds up quick and before I know it will be July.

I was thrown today by an unexpected message from a friend whom I haven't heard from in years. I think deathcab4u might've actually been the first online person that I spoke to on a regular basis. It was nice to hear that he is doing well.

It made me think of Dustin too. And Marlene. I wonder how their lives turned out.

I let myself get wrapped up in my own head the last few months- stress and an anxiety disorder lends to self alienation and hiding. Though not to the extent that I would have clung to five years ago. Two years ago. I take that as growth.

Though that being said- I still listen to half the same music I did in high school, even though graduation is closer to ten years ago then it is to five. I am ready to travel. I am ready for silly adventures, and vacation too. I look forward to marrying two very good friends of mine in New York in the park in early May (online ordained Jedi master of awesome?) and I look forward to long walks with my dog.

I feel better this week. I do. I needed a change, and it was given to me. Now to hold onto it like the gift it should be, and not the curse it feels like.


Mood: Thin.
I Hear: Brand New- Sowing Season

femmeemo Musings From an Airport Dweller Aug 19th, 2013 2:35:10 pm - Subscribe

My writing changes. Here, there is mystery. There is a level of the unknown- perhaps that is the muse that my life is missing. Things have gotten far less aggravating in my life since I stopped telling half truths and shrouding life in some sort of invisible cloak of perceived excitement.

But I miss it. I miss the quiet hope, and buried double meanings- and perhaps that is why I came here for this.

I have so many things to look forward to: and this weekend confirmed it. I met a most incredible boy this weekend- his grandmother originally from Trinidad. He asked if he could read my palm, and I- not without some hesitation: consented.

He quietly explained that his grandmother had read palms for a living, and her grandmother before her- that before she passed on, she had taught her eldest grandson how to glean the future from the hard etched hands of the masses.

I will have a family. In my youth I will struggle with finances. I will live a long life. I will die in the south- and eventually my past will catch up to me.

It made me think of what possibly could come back from my past to hang over my head like a dark stormy halo. My terrible financial habits? Likely. My inability to have a healthy dynamic with my own family? Obviously. But beyond that... I don't know.

The prospect of having children. Or even the expensive mess that will be next fall...

It's exciting. It's terrifying. Life is unexpected and depressing, and motivating and magical and awful. It is a rickety wooden roller coaster. It is a crowded airport waiting area with a screaming child in the row next to you.

I want to be the one that smiles at the red faced ball of snot and see him slowly stop crying. I want to sit in the second row on the roller coaster and get wet as he splash into the water below.

As I stare at my right palm, and look at the bumps and lines and scars- I want to know that even if it is a load of crap- I made the best of whatever life handed me.

Even if it means another five hours sitting in an airport. Watching people moving on their ways home.


Mood: Placid
I Hear: Boarding calls, and screaming children.

femmeemo Conversations as a Therapist Aug 6th, 2013 6:22:49 pm - Subscribe

Sometimes people just need to say everything that is on their chest. Sometimes that is all they need.

Intimacy is a strange thing.


Mood: amazed

femmeemo Tetonic Plates Jun 25th, 2012 1:34:57 pm - Subscribe

I had a dream that the world was shifting under my feet; that everything was shaking, screams lighting up across the sky.

I dreamt that I stood in the hollow of a valley as it transformed heaving, into a mountain- with only a mind shattering screech echoing in my head to prove it had ever been anything but the newly minted peak.

There was death in my dream. Not just mine; but the deaths of many. Mothers, fathers. Lovers, spinsters, and the damned. We all died the same way. It amazed me, dream me- that death was the same equilizer as birth had been. We all were born the same way- setting and timing aside. We all die.

It wasn't a scary dream. It was hardly even a nightmare.
It was cold.

Cold, when I woke.

It was cold with the realization that one day I would move my valley to the top of a mountain. And from there I could see everything ending.

I woke knowing that one day, I will have all of my answers.

Mood: Free'd
I Hear: Popcorn Burning.

femmeemo Drunk and I am seeing Stars Jan 13th, 2012 5:50:51 pm - Subscribe

Everything is up in the air. I am so swamped with my current job- and yet not doing my job. My part time job getting needlessly stressful.

I am waiting to hear if I got the Big Brother's Big Sister's position. I want it. I don't want to leave. I need change, and fear it. FUCK. I AM A COWARD.

Such a coward.

Mood: BURNING, eyes burning.
I Hear: Lana Del Rey- Videogames

femmeemo And we will call it this land. Oct 28th, 2011 2:04:12 pm - Subscribe

'Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal.'

I am tired.

Tired of people doing nothing but talking about change. Beaurocracy has been here since the dawn of organized society. Our schools are a disgrace. Our kids are killing themselves faster than the obesity can.

Why would we change what ain't broke?
It is broken.

Society isn't benefitting anyone.
Except it allows us to stay fat and lazy.

I work. I work. I work. I volunteer.
I work.

'Mine is an evil laugh.'

Mood: Despondent
I Hear: Adam WarRock

femmeemo Sexy Magician Blues Oct 12th, 2011 6:27:12 pm - Subscribe

So. Halloween, huh?

I have a top hat, and I have tails.
Fishnets, and a corset that makes my tits capable of making Sir Isaac Newton weep.
I hope I do Zatanna justice.

The only sadness in dressing like the enchantress, and mistress of magic herself is- people will only know I am dressed as a
'sexy magician'


And yet- I suppose... in my mid-twenties- I shouldn't be so enraptured by comic books, and the beautiful references they lend.
I'm nearly done reading A Song of Fire and Ice.
I'm killing time.
Procrastinating on my application for a fringe show.

Life creeps forward.

Mood: exhausted.
I Hear: Nikki Yanofsky

femmeemo A game of wits. Oct 3rd, 2011 1:27:25 pm - Subscribe

My life is becoming full.
I am so close to having to empty my life inbox it is nearly deafening.

I have so many things on the go.
Busy, busy, stagnant.
Rinse, lather, repeat.

My stress levels skyrocket so high- I just... I find I have more coping mechanisms than I know what to deal with. I am an orstrich with my head in the sand, and I am a bear with its' mouth covered in blood.

I play a dangerous game with myself. I live for my downtime. Work is meaningless and mostly an enabler for my laziness.

I want to crotchet, read my bloodlust novels, write my feeling down on paper, drink my tea, watch senseless amounts of shit on television. I am happy at home- happy but I swear my family can smell it and like sharks in the water...

-are after me.

Their stresses, and strains suffocate me. They fuel my indifference and blatent apathy.

Save me?
Throw me a big fucking neon lifering and drag me back to a world where I am capable of empathy.

Mood: Stoic
I Hear: Stomach Grumbles

femmeemo I hate. Aug 10th, 2011 6:40:29 pm - Subscribe

Many thing.
I don't often like to hate, but today seems to be the crankybitchysick day.
So I will allow myself today to rant.

Locked doors when you're sitting in the living room. Your two volumes; angry and yelling. Your inability to use common logic.

I refuse to talk about it anymore.
The more I talk about your dumb,loud, cunt ass. The more I seeth.

Worst lifechoice ever.

Mood: Sick
I Hear: Bitch Yelling

femmeemo My daughter. Jun 22nd, 2011 5:54:46 pm - Subscribe


Mood: Joyful
I Hear: Loudon Wainright

femmeemo And, they say- Life is sweet. Jun 16th, 2011 12:24:20 pm - Subscribe

Stomach churning.
By gaslight burning.
I need this day to end.

Ever feel like your significant other is cheating on you- for no real reason? Now, before you agree; and tell me that my feelings are likely correct. Allow me to explain.

I am not talking about the beautiful boy that shares my bed. I am not talking about he with his unexpected holds, and sweetness.

I talk about fiction. I feel like life is cheating on me.
With what?
My younger, more dazzling twin? My life has changed drastically. Again. I am living with Exspensive. Everything is good- well... most everything. Work is meh. Money is meh. And oddly enough, my only complaint (Besides people not paying me back monies) is that I miss her.

The time zones are enough to kill me. It's odd.
My co-dependence normally doesn't hold this long.
I miss her. I hate Korea. I hate Korea.
And car insurance.

The pallid spew of colour,
by the graying light grows duller,
I need this day to end.

Mood: Brutal.
I Hear: Love will tear us apart.

femmeemo Ravagely Angry May 25th, 2011 4:35:35 pm - Subscribe


I have a truck. Its not my fault.
They are too cheap to pay for my parking so they force me to park in the smallest fucking place.




-Jeannie is in labour and I am the one panicking-

I am hungry and impatient and I WANT IT TO BE MY BIRTHDAY.
Is tomorrow.

As I age, I get crankier.

Mood: Cut a Bitch.
I Hear: Steam rising.

femmeemo I sat outside and watched the stars. May 11th, 2011 5:11:34 pm - Subscribe

Or the satelites.

I'm not picky.

I'm excited for my new job. It will be a change of pace if nothing else. I am bored at work again. No youth in what, weeks?

I've gotten in to a routine of being paid to watch an episode fo Doctor Who and spend copius amounts of time devoted to my writing.

It is growing. I am growing. I look forward to one day being able to say that everything has worked out well.

The boy is taking measures to be a good boy.
He even washed dishes last night, and made me dessert whilst I watched SVU.
I enjoy him, I wouldn't trade him in.

Mostly I want kettle corn, cold tea, and to learn how to do a convincing British accent.
Me with the unending wants.

Mood: Serene
I Hear: Sprout & the Bean Joanna Newsom

femmeemo To say goodbye. Apr 19th, 2011 4:04:57 pm - Subscribe

To lose someone in your life is exhausting.

Death isn't an easy aquaintance, it seems as soon as you get to know its' cold icy hands, it's always knocking on your door.

I am exhausted. I am depleted. i am hopeful.

I have a disgusting need to ink my body- and not the funds to do so. Perhaps in the fall.

My life is a flailing thing.
I am incredibly... indifferent.

The man in my life and I talked last night. I love him. I won't tell him just yet- but I do. We are trying this fun new thing called financial accountability.

Sounds like fun, huh kids?

I see the future. It is a bright, and overwhelming place.

Are you there God,
It's me Andrea.

Mood: Psychotic
I Hear: Said the Whale