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deathcab4u must write - Subscribe
in times of serious crazies i tend to throw an entry down on my old friend, Aeonity.

the sparse manic entries that i scribble

i miss writing, i want to write

must write


I recently subjected myself to an ordeal of patience, compassion and enlightenment.

"Be careful what you wish for," or some variation of the proverb.

Enlightenment whooped my ass. Exhausted physically and mentally. Stability has been a day to day, hour to hour mystery.

Anxiety can strike like those expensive military drones. A missile of fast breath, tight chest and confusion.

I think anxiety is a respectable opponent. A dirty weapon, not to be underestimated.

Those peddling fear know the power of anxiety.

Fortunately, though, fear is hollow.

Pushed back by the flame of a pure heart. Shattered by the piercing blow of sharp intellect. Softened by compassion. Defeated with patience. Outwitted by simplicity.

Fear has no place in my life, cast aside with hope. Neither have substance, and I will not cling to either.
2 Comments
Mood: anxious
I hear: The Cure

femmeemo We lookin' for you. Feb 28th, 2011 5:17:34 pm - Subscribe

I am so frustrated. Car accident in which I was not at fault and now that stupid bitch is claiming I didn't stop. Lady. You have full coverage. It was icy. ICY. Why are you not taking responsibilty.

Its only me that gets fucked. Face down, ass up.

Turns out thats' the way the fucking world loves to see me.

I have no car- overwhelming debt. I am losing it. LOSING IT. Losing my motherfucking mind. This is the most expensive month of the year and everything is crashing down hard. FUCK. Please give me a chance to catch up. I really wouldn't be opposed to vasnishing.

POOF

Gone. I just need it to balance.
-

2 Comments
Mood: Depressed as Fuck.
I hear: Intruder Song.

femmeemo My feet are cold. Feb 13th, 2011 5:15:10 pm - Subscribe

Both figuratively and literally.

I am a creature of habit- I like schedules, and routines. I like being places where I feel comfortable- and I like have a cemented support system. My awkward tendancies leave me feeling stressed; this move is going to kill me.

I feel alienated at work.

I feel insecure in myself.

I feel.

I feel less apathetic than ever- which is terrifying in and of itself. Feeling leads to feeling depressed. Right? Or is this how life is supposed to be? Why is this so much stress. Why can't I be one of those people that can just go with the flow- who just adapt with changes and embrace it.

Someone once told me that change is neither good, nor bad. Change simply is.

Somehow it made me feel better- but now the ambiguity...

...its too much.
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0 Comments
Mood: Unmotivated.
I hear: Postal Service.

femmeemo Waiting on hold. Jan 29th, 2011 3:13:49 pm - Subscribe

I am beyond irritated.
So fucking irritated.
I am tired of payments bouncing, and bills not getting paid. I am slowly breaking into a million peices because I owe so much damn money.

Telus, Bell, TD Insurance, Rent, VISA, VISA, Rogers, Shaw, EPCOR.

Paycheck comes, and its gone before it touches my bank account. I can't afford to eat. Let alone pay down my debt. Gas in my car? A luxury I cannot afford.

I am drowning. I am drowning.
And it seems like every step forward I take, another brick fucking wall gets thrown in my face.

Fuck me.
Fuck me.
Fuck me.
-

0 Comments
Mood: Depleted.
I hear: Tears.

femmeemo Drama in fantasy. Jan 23rd, 2011 5:47:43 pm - Subscribe

I am caught up in a world in which completely consumes me.

It is fictional.

It is filled with drama and heartbreak.
Fear, and death.
Hurt, hope and hard-feelings.

My head is split seven ways. And it hurts.
It hurts so badly.

My butt is wet. My car is free. My head is FUCKED.
-


0 Comments
Mood: tired.
I hear: whining.

femmeemo Bob-omb. Dec 21st, 2010 6:50:05 pm - Subscribe

I'm finally feeling good about Christmas.
I feel like I'll make it.

Everything will be okay- I will be able to survive the new year.
I forgot how much I miss the old staff at work- this week has been greatly needed. Filled with dildo zuchinni's, asian pyrogies, 'chocolate rain', watching movies, free food, and the general consensus that the new staff suck.

I love Charlie Brown's Christmas. I feel like I somehow wish for a CB Christmas everyyear and then get too wrapped up in the commercialism of it all.

This year I have no tree. I have no real solid Christmas.

I am divided to fifty different family functions with my factioned family.
I am torn and twisted.
I am pleased at the amount of free food I shall have.

I am irresponsible, and have too many options.
I am hiding from finishing my Christmas shopping.
I really need to sort me out.

Santa. This year- all I want is some self-clarity. Some clear self-reflection.
Please Santa...

-

0 Comments
Mood: Foolish
I hear: Too many XxXmas songs

femmeemo I regret my username. Dec 14th, 2010 12:59:30 pm - Subscribe

Everytime I login in- and yet- when I think about deleting my account, making a new one and forgiving the wreck that I used to be- and still am...

I can't do it.

I am confused about what the next four months will hold. I am cold- and fuzzy.


Everything seems like it will pan out and then- I can't help but worry about the ramifications of my actions if I go through with things. It just seems so...

Easy? And yet like such a cop-out.
I fear change- and this is the biggest problem.

I am avoiding going home because it is so filthy I don't know where to start cleaning- and I can't sit there and just leave it and so... I stay out late and only come home to sleep. Or sleep on friends couches. Or the fiends' bed.
I want a Christmas tree.

I want shiny lights.
I want.
I want not to want anymore.
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0 Comments
Mood: Needy
I hear: The restroom door said 'Gentlemen'.

femmeemo I know how you'll die... Dec 6th, 2010 5:13:46 pm - Subscribe

It doesn't feel like Christmas. I really want a tree. I miss lights and a clean house and soft shitty jazzy Christmas music. I miss having proper snow.

I am just so...

Not in the Christmas spirit. I am happy though. I feel like everything is slowly falling apart. Falling apart and into a jumbled heap of sense.

I think I know what I'm gonna have to do.
I dream of a quiet one bedroom house, with a Christmas Tree and no cat to mulitate boxsprings, and toilet paper. No more kitty litter pieces on my bed...

I am tired. I am fighting. I am.
A poinsetta.
Beautiful to look at- toxic to eat.
-

1 Comments
Mood: Icy.
I hear: Patrick Watson.

femmeemo Words mean nothing. Nov 2nd, 2010 2:18:03 pm - Subscribe

Words mean nothing.

Especially when those words aren't even spoken.
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0 Comments
Mood: Wretched.
I hear: tick.tick.facial tick.

femmeemo VomitHACKHACKcrycry Oct 2nd, 2010 10:46:45 pm - Subscribe

What the fuck.


I am so angry. I am SO ANGRY. SO MOTHERFUCKING ANGRY.

Crying doesn't even make it feel better. I am so fucking tired of this. I wish people would stop fuckig talking. I'm tired of being happy for people who could give a flying fuck if I even exist. I'm tired of EXPLAINING my sorry ass to EVERYONE.

I am fine. I will BE fine. FINEFINEFINEFINEFINEFINEFINEFINEFINEFINEFINEFINEFINISHEDFINE.

LEAVE ME ALONE.

Except you.

You owe me. A life, a story, a kiss, a fucking happily ever after. Sex and Candy. Thats' what my life has turned into.

Sweat and Sugar.

Calories and curled fists.

I am premenstral. That would explain the fucking tears, and the hatred. Noone can do anything right. I'm tired of the filthy apartment, and I want stability. I want two years ago.

Blissful ignorance.

I miss living a life uninterrupted.
-

0 Comments
Mood: Fuck.
I hear: FUCKKK.

femmeemo I used to know the name of every person I'd kissed. Sep 23rd, 2010 3:58:21 pm - Subscribe

Now I made this bed and I can't fall asleep in it.

---------


I am exhausted. And I have seemingly given up the fight. The ability to fight for injustice. I just simply live. I wake up, go to work, eat, go home, eat, see the boy that is mildly indifferent, go to bed alone.

I live in the eye of the storm, living a life that is neither fantastic, nor horrific. I would like to say that I am happy, but I'm slowly becoming fed up. I'm tired of all these stupid expectations.

I want to go home at the end of a shitty day and partake in some bed shaking. I long to walk around stark naked. I desire to be admired, and to do the things I like without fear of judgement.

Reading my shitty comic books

Drinking my sugarfree hot cider

Watching silly depressing movies

Listening to my music

Playing silly RPG videogames

I want. I want. I WANT. WANTWANTWANWTAWATWNAWNANWANT.

I want sleep. I want new tires. I want sex. I want solitude and friendship and acceptance and hesitations and no more debt and bigger paychecks and Fantastia and Chicken Noodle Soup and love.

Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the positive...
-


2 Comments
Mood: Starving
I hear: Brand New.

femmeemo Beauty in the breakdown. Jul 28th, 2010 6:05:42 pm - Subscribe

It seems like I don't have anything world altering, or thrilling to share. I feel like my life should be snappier.

We live in a world of Current Facebook Updates, and Tweets and yet my life just plods along.

Unlike high school self, sort-of-grown-up-self is not thrilled by every wayward glance, nor is she half as hopeful for a perfect relationship, and no financial worries, and a beautiful home and a great job and the right clothes. She is more realistic than that.

She doesn't have a snappy update for twitter every hour on the hour. Her facebook profile doesn't make me happy, nor sad.

I am average. She is average. Average. Why is that word so devastating? So- unsettling? And yet, if average is just that... then by standard... what is extraordinary?

I am not special. Not really. My interests, my knowledge, is shared by hundreds. Likely more than that. My genetics are slightly unique, but I am just parts of others.

I am me. Which happens to be pretty average.
Perhaps a little more introverted than most.
But wholly uninteresting.
-

1 Comments
Mood: Beautiful.
I hear: Remy Zero - Fair

femmeemo Flowers tied around my neck. Jul 15th, 2010 6:06:44 pm - Subscribe

Creates the look I dare acheive.
They make me smile, and swoon and check,
Still my beating heart.

They are blue ones,
Gray and orange,
Dance lightly in a wreath.

The knot, tied tight,
Clinches around my windpipe in a lazy sense,
Too tired to try and close the deal.

Too tired to dry and wilt,
Too tired to let me rest.
To sleep.

---

As of late I have been happy. In a romantic sense. By romantic, I mean romantiziced way. I live in a 'state of happiness'. Whatever the fuck that means these days. I guess I refer to the the preversion of self.

I have convinced myself that I am happy; therefore I am happy.

I ramble; therefore I am full of shit.

Chipped teacups. Floral print. Miniature buttons. Wide stripes. Bicycles. Birdcages and effortless tomes.

All things I surround myself mentally with. I am falling down the rabbit hole. Through the looking glass. I am slowly going mad, or coming sane.

These days, who can be certain which is which?
-

1 Comments
Mood: Bedazzled.
I hear: Mother Mother - Hayloft

femmeemo Sadly I go. Jul 1st, 2010 6:23:36 pm - Subscribe

I've been waiting to watch 500 Days of Summer for almost a year now. I knew it would be one of those super cute movies, and Joesph Gordon-Levitt is my celeb crush, so how could it be wrong? Right?

It was like watching a fast forward of my life. A slightly altered flashback. A nighttime dream gone bad. I have this sick feeling like that is what I am doomed to. Heartache and woe.

Heartache and woe, heartache and woe.

I wish I was a more positive person. With an upbeat personality and quick witted lines and this unwavering sense of self. One where I knew who I was. Where I was going...

Instead I watch Hollywood movies and let them ruin my day. I am that sad.
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0 Comments
Mood: Bummed.
I hear: Sweet Disposition.

femmeemo Lie Back Jun 1st, 2010 3:43:11 pm - Subscribe

Bruce Haack has a diiiirty voice.

"Lie Back, Lie Back, Lie Back, Nothing else for you to dooo...."

My birthday was a bust. The wedding was a fabulous drunk. The hangover day made me love him more than ever. And then Monday came and wrecked it all.

I wrecked it all. Why do I feel like I need to lie. It just makes me look guilty. Constantly. It was a simple little thing, but I know it makes him furious; why do I continually do it to myself? And to top it all off...

My bank account got drained by some scum of the earth hackers. Unimpressive. My rent was supposed to come out today, and instead I get an eviction notice. AWESOME.

I want it to be Sunday all over again. Potato Pancakes, and head pats, and dinner like we used to, and secret sleepovers and snuggly-laughs.

My new years resolution... I finally figured it out. I resolve to no longer lie. Not even white lies. Not even clear lies. Not even invisible lies.
I resolve to be up front with how I feel. No matter whose feelings get hurt.

Because I am tired of lying to myself.
-

0 Comments
Mood: exhausted.
I hear: Lie Back - Bruce Haack

femmeemo Tedious. May 17th, 2010 3:53:55 pm - Subscribe

Awkward.

Things in my life are almost always described as awkward. I suppose one could thusly deduce that I am an awkward sort.
I am so tired as of late, it’s nearly unbearable. It seems like I have a bajillion and twelve things on the go constantly. This month is always the one that stretches me the furthest.

May. The month of birthdays, weddings, graduations, camping, trips and heartache.

How’ve I missed thee.

For my birthday I want a few things:
A debt-free life
New bedding
A day devoted to me.

Perhaps a night of girly dancing and fruit-filled drinks?
Perhaps just a good nights’ sleep.
Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

Perhaps I’ll grow up, and old and carelessly carefree.
-

1 Comments
Mood: Headache'd
I hear: I can make a mess like nobody's business - The Kindler Burns

femmeemo Don't know what it means... May 3rd, 2010 1:22:26 pm - Subscribe

I had the most awful night of my life on Thursday. The events were harmless and yet. Who lost out on an entire night's worth of sleep? Who actually had to break down and tell someone, something truthful about the issues in her life for once?

At first the flattery was nice. Yeah, of course you'd want to date me. Of course. Who wouldn't? I'm pretty okay.

But then when I got home, all I could think of was three years prior. Three years ago when I deluded myself into your games. I couldn't stop thinking about how all I wanted for so long was your attention, and it actually caused me to doubt my current relationship. You truly are an evil sort.

Why do you bother me so much? I am hurt that you would ask me to casually sleep with you. Especially since you knew everything that was going on between me and Spence. This is why I avoided you for so long. You asked why we weren't friends anymore, you say you hate missed opportunities...

And yet you can toy with her emotions. Lead her on, just as you did me. With no worries. No emotion lost.

Well. Kind sir, I'm starting to piece your mindframe together...
I don't want to be with you.

Nope.

For once in my life, I can honestly say that I actually learned my lesson.
-

0 Comments
Mood: Touchy.
I hear: In Bloom - Nirvana

femmeemo Stay Where You Are. Apr 23rd, 2010 3:48:00 pm - Subscribe

It’s that time of year again. The time of year where everything shakes up and you start to question why you’re stagnant.
Only not stagnant at all, are you?

No. In fact, your world is still spinning at breakneck speed, whirling out of control, and yet, it’s slowing down and you wonder why it doesn’t spin faster.
You joke constantly about quitting your job, and taking up an eating disorder. Hahaha. So funny. Isn’t it?
Well it certainly would be cheaper than paying for food, just giving it up entirely.

I have no idea what I want to accomplish. I have vague inclinations.
I know what life should entail.
And yet...
Getting what you want is never that easy is it?
Is it?
-

1 Comments
Mood: Shaken
I hear: Ambulance LTD

femmeemo So classy. Apr 15th, 2010 12:16:39 pm - Subscribe

I am.

Entirely.

Classy.

All I want is to vanish for a month. And then I'll be fine. Life'll be on track.

Maybe that's what i'll do.
POOF

and then...
-

0 Comments
Mood: Rare.
I hear: Sinatra

femmeemo Eggs in mah Basket. Apr 5th, 2010 3:17:12 pm - Subscribe

Easter was actually phenomenal. In a fabulous and shitty way.

Poor Bee got dumped out of the blue, and hard too. Luckily she has a few friends out here in Redneck Central, she came over for Easter dinner with us. Spent the day on Friday with the Exploding Redhead, and randomly decided to get an industrial.

On a whim. Then it was beer and manly persuits.

Saturday was a day for lost causes, and lost time. PStar built me a beach in my living room. Mexico ain't got nothing on my downtown apartment cabana. I also took Felicity on her first highway cruise, in the dark, out to the Farm.

Got a little intoxicated and had the best drunken snuggles yet.

Sunday ER and I cooked our first Turkey, and it wasn't even a bust! It was delicious and the gravy turned out. Turns out a bottle of Red, and a bottle of White mixed with Diddy is quite halarious.

Sadly our dinner guests were loads more entertaining than HotTub TimeMachine. But the company was good.

When the Wicked Witch of the Wretched moves out and on... My life will be one stones throw away from happiness.
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0 Comments
Mood: dusty.
I hear: Big Spender!!