silentrain - January 14th, 2007
It may seem bad now, but take a moment to think.
How did you feel right after it happened? Horrible? Regretful? Or perhaps, relieved?
As much as you hate to break down, it's something all of us donning masks have to do at one point; for who can possibly keep smiling all the time? It's just not humanly possible, or safe.
In the end, even if you get better at hiding your emotions, you'll only be hurting yourself when there comes a day when you want nothing more than to break down, but that annoying little voice in your head that always forces you to suck it up will start buzzing in your ear, leaving you feeling hurt, lonely, and wondering if the stupid mask can ever come off.
It's not a good feeling. I remember that there was one day that I wanted nothing more than to break down; and I even hoped, as out of my character as it was, that someone would notice that I was having an off day. However, as the day came to an end, I found not one single person noticed a thing- in fact, there hadn't even been a 'Are you okay?'. I remember just thinking one of two things: That either no one cared, or that my happy mask was on far too tight. And either one bugged the hell out of me.
It was not fun to doubt my friends or to realize the fact that I couldn't break down, no matter how bad of a day I was having. And that's not good. For, if you never break down, how are your friends going to prove that they care? You've probably helped them countless amounts of time- so I know that they'd be more than willing to do the same for you.
I think it's a good thing that your father knows the truth, even though you may not think so. He's your dad; every now and then they have to see first hand that their little girl is not always going to be the one holding in all the crap that goes on with a smile; he deserves to know the truth, and in turn, will probably respect you more for it.
Don't think of breaking down as a weakness. Think of it as a learning experience coupled with growing up. Sure, it's not good to let every single little thing get to you, but it's just as bad to hold everything in. Because eventually, something little is going to set you off, and then it will be hard to stop all the emotion you've held in for so long.
Instead, try to just let our your emotions in small bursts. Mad about something? Find a friend who loves to listen, and rant to them; say what's on your mind instead of thinking that just by saying that nothing is wrong, your friends will be fooled. Most of the time, you're only worrying them more. I know when my friends are having a bad day, and yet they won't tell me anything about it, I'm left feeling worse than before because I think that maybe they don't trust me, or that I'm not for-filling my duty as their friend.
So rant, rave, cry, scream; close to the door to your room, blast music and start punching and kicking the air as it it were tangible; call up a friend or a family member who you trust will just listen, and talk (It's only a fair exchange for you helping them!); then breathe. Just take in a deep breath, and let it out. Emotion may show a weakness, but it also proves that we're not robots who have yet to find a heart. Emotion connects us with others, and allows us to discover who our true friends are in this crazy world.
I know I sound like a bloody hypocrite when I say this. But, if there's one thing I hope more than anything- is that no one will have to hide their emotions behind a mask. It's just not worth it. You end up hurting yourself more, which in turn hurts the people around you who never want to see you unhappy.
So take it from me, someone who knows her way around a mask or two. It's better for you to take off the mask you hide behind, and laugh at it before you glance to the people around you and say: "This is me. Take it or leave it."
And you know what?
After only a slight pause, your friends will come up and give you a hug. And that's when the mask can drop, and you will know, that emotional train wreak or not, you will always be accepted.
I wish you the best possible luck as always. I know you can feel better, if you just put your mind to it. And if you ever want to talk, I'm always here to listen. |
