the smell of autimn leaves and
the cool breeze blowing against my cheeks
then holding a warm hand, one that
i know that he'll never let go
and wont lose me in the wind of leaves
i knew from the first hello
it was the beginning of something new that
wouldnt be able to stop but eventuallu end
and when it does tears will not shed
and my face wont be red
just looking at him as we walk and in my mind
im wishing this will never end
^^^^ hey thats me!!!
i am sworn off sex.
im constantly doing my two sisters's chores. i do them so my mom can come home and relax instead of screaming at all of us for something that isn't done.
and that is the story of my life. im always cleaning up after everyone, trying to hold the stitches of this great big ugly pillow thingy so it wont explode and cover everyone in fluff >=(
i need a vacation.
he wanted me to promise that i wouldn't be upset.
i could have lied or i could have been brutaly honest with him, but no.
i just skipped the whole thing altogether.
i could have told him i didn't care because, 'hey! its no skin off my back, right?'
i could have told him i was crying the whole way through.
i just changed the subject instead.
sweet talking him.
buttering him up
ready to pounce,
ready to kill.
what she doesnt know,
is that i am already
eight lines ahead of her.
i dreamt of him last night,
in a way i never bothered to think of.
like dust blown up by wind,
these dorment feelings have stirred themselves awake-
and are very much alive.
as in in answer to the question 'whats up' or 'what have you being doing' or any other similar thing
last few days of school durring lunchtime i would consider what we've being doing as a different kind of nothing
thursday i discovered the beuty of the sky
just pure blue, no clouds at all.
For at least half an hour of lunch, then pretty much all of my 75min spare after lunch i just lay out on the side of the oval in the shade (but not actually underneath) some tree, starring at the sky.
it was really really blue and the fact that there was nothing else in the sky made it all weird and hard to tell weather it was close up or far away
also did that for quite abit of fridays lunch too
tis on holidays now, unfortrunetly holidays to my teachers seems to be just an excuse to give us a bunch of homework. (as in i have homework for every single subject )
fortrunetly i did most of the maths today, but i just looked at the sheet our chem teacher gave us (tis like a checklist of crap we have to do) and ive come to the conclusion that chem teachers suck.
thats right, pretty soon it'll be on the news and everything "Chem teachers suck"
Today started with bio
we had a sub, we also have a test tommorrow and consequently no one ended up actually doing any revision.
then i had chinese.
in chinese did this listening exercise.
I totally sucked
after chinese i managed to get really worried that i was gonna fail chinese coz i suck at listening.
Chinese is the only subject that i actually work for. Maths, english, or whatever else i just cruise and dont honestly care. Chinese is something that ive found ive actually always had to work for. With chinese i actually do the thing where teachers say just cause they havent given you homework doesnt mean you cant revise or whatever. Hell i frekin sit in my room by myself, just sitting there and reading outloud just to try and get the dam pronouciation right.
And having done all that work, todays listening exersice (it wasnt even a test or anything, though we do have a listening test later this week) really fucked me up. I actually felt like i had tryed as hard as i could and i had failed. (for people that havent felt this - it is not very good. For people that have - yeah...tis not fun ey?)
This then had me wandering around in my spare, just walking aimlessly and not talking to anyone coz i was that messed up that i thought i would cry if i tryed talking about it.
This turned out to be just a stupid panic attack on my behalf. Durring my spare i ended up doing what my chinese teacher had sort of being hinting at me to do and just went and found some chinese dudes/exchange guys and asked for help.
Thanks christ i did, (twas quite fortrunete that i sort of knew one of them coz im in the international band (which is sort of weird...since i was born here)) those guys were actually like cool and willing to be helpful. I donno weather talking to them actually helped me but it made me feel better anyway.
so anyway, then i wasnt chucking a spaz over chinese.
durring my spaz however i ran into Emma, who was apparently very unhappy with how our talk ended yesterday (what the hell? yesterdays 'talk' didnt frekin go anywhere and just made things weirder) . Anywho, durring my spaz she actually tried to comfort me, but being a total dick i ended up just walking off, in search of anything.
So then when i was non-moody i found her, cept now she was all unhappy because apparently she felt like 'giving up' (which is what she said yesterday. To date, i still have no idea what we were trying to do or what we are giving up :S) and things just werent pleasent.
then i had english, i have a talk in either 2 or 3 days (our teachers a bitch and wont tell us the order of which groups going when) on a subject our whole group collectivly has only managed to take down 2 pages of notes worth. We apparenlty have to make a powerpoint as well, using different information then what we've written.
then accouting, had a SAC (big offical test thing) easy
Then maths - first time i have ever left a page on a maths test completely blank. And when you consider there were only like 4 sides...thats quite a bit of the test. So yeah, did shit on that, which is not good cos this year i really did want to be getting at least 90's in maths, biology and accouting to get a decent ENTER score
then i had soul band...the problem with sould band is if MRS Robbee isnt actually there, we just dont get anything done.
then i got home....at like 5 to 6
I have a proper bio test tommorrow, and probably some other crap that ive forgotten but instead of revising im sitting here typing htis thing while burning some chinese CD thing which should apparently help my hearing.
i tried calling Emma, apparently her phone wasnt on ...that or she turned it off when she saw who was calling.
tis really annoying me,
because i didnt think that last week was that bad. Then i got a text (which was apparently sent early last week, i just didnt get it till saturday) which didnt lead anywhere good when i replied, and now the only thing we can talk about is 'us' and how im (so far im pretty sure, thats its just being me whos being referred to as awkward, that kind of ticks me off too) always awkward around her and how we can never go to know each other.
My rebuttle to this:
what the fuck? how are we meant to frekin get to know each other if all you ever wanna talk about is how I'M so awkward and cant talk to you?
if anyones bothered to read thus far, yeah i probably sound like a hypocrite cos i didnt wanna talk to her earlier, but fuck i didnt wanna talk to anyone at all earlier, i wanted to just go home sit in my room and never leave earlier.
And then when i asked her about it she just threw a 'talk to horner about it' at me, which pisses me off, because i dont really talk to horner much at all.
but at least now my rant is over
and yeah, i probably have contradictaed myself somewhere in there and probably just sound like a dick head but far out, i really dont need this shit and had to get it out of me somehow
see kids, you dont need alcahol to have fun.
You just need a in ground trampoline and a bucket of maltesers
went to a party (which is not that common for me) for the first few hours twas just sitting around laughing like an idiot/ talking.
By 11:30 we discovered the joy of the trampoline....those things are awsome
Managed to get myself a natural high to the point that greason asked me several times how much i had had to drink to which i responded 'nothin', which he didnt beleive (I dont drink)
in other news
Celebration thing was awsome
performing to like 1000+ people on a big ass stage is also awsome
tis now in my houses band (the red one) for house music
with exams and the celebration though, no one really had time to be ogranising anything and now we have like 5 days left to get down as many easyish, yet good sounding songs, that lots of people know
currently all we've got down is 'on my mind' which is a powder finger song. At first i was against it coz from memory i thought it was a pretty borring song, but its actually got a few nice little riffy/leady bits to it.
one week o school left...
Hook, line and sinker - Refused
the riff that comes up a bunch in the second half of that song...killer
This whole week so far i would describe as a suckfest
ive pretty just gone to school from 8 to 6 for rehersals in which i dont seem to do anything and the rythm section is clearly the least important
also quite hot, which seems to be draining the energy
Results (from exams)
Accounting - A
Maths - think i just managed an A
Englsih - B +
Chinese - B
Histroy - A
PE - A
Science - B+ (one percent away from an A)
Rec Tech - B
(not with results i mean, just not happy in general right now. as i said earlier, total suckfest)
had an english exam...I'll be happy if i get a b
felt kind of weird before the exam, when i got to school
didnt feel like talking to anyone in paticular
compared to yesterday everything just seems dull and borring
went to another show.
first band (exit wounds) were pretty sweet, they were like metally/hardcore with heaps of cool solos and tapping (tapping is the shit!)
then the next two (which arent even worth mentioning) sucked...so we were just hanging around for an hour
then Behind Crimson Eyes came out.
Crowd went nuts.
an hour goes by really quickly in a mosh
its such a cool feeling, to just be screaming, knocking into other kids and shit
lol, i got kicked in the head twice by crowd surfers
and now today, with those memories still quite visible in my head, everything seems borring
well, twould be nice to just be able to talk to her again.
maybe its just the exams but um...we havent really talked at all since last tuesday.
kind of sucks
tomorrow was meant to be my only day off school (as in, i have no exams) cept cause of the dammed rehersals i have to show up for like 2 hours anyway
o yeah, for some reason last firday i took my science book home instead of my history and chinese books. which is weird/dumb cause i did my sceince exam on friday and now i have one day to revise a bunch of chinese and history.
dad's home again
what a world we live in
Heart attack one day, back at home 3 nights later
his going back to hospital to get somemore things cleared in a few weeks. they got rid of the one that caused the actual heart attack but they spotted a few that could end up getting bad. cause of whatever reason they just got rid of the urgent one and advised him to get elective surgery to fix the rest.
In other news...
I think im sort of with Emma (cording to my friends anyway) which makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. (yeah...tis kind of over my weird infatuation with Cara, I think i actually have something with Emma )
lol, i had a talk with Chris today and apparently people started thinking i liked Emma last friday.
To last firday! *travels back in time*
forgot exactly what i was thinking, but durring recess at one point she walked past with Clare and i just put my arms out and we hugged.
then twice more random hugs durring lunch time
Then yesterday i was kind of bummed at lunch and just sitting there not doing or saying much.
Eventually pete found me had a pretty good idea of what i was thinking about, then started cheering me up by doing this dumb little angel and little devil on my shoulder thing (for some reason the devil sounded like gollum) telling me to ask 'her' (pete had no idea who i had developed a crush on) out then the little other dude was like ' no man, i'll look like a dickhead. what if she says no' and crap like that
as amusing as it was, at some point i saw Emma and kind of ditched Pete to sort of just run up to her and embrace her in a hug that apparently a few people noticed (we was like hugging/holding each other and talking so no one else could hear ya see)
What seemed to catch peoples attention a bit was also Rachel's comment that she had never seen me hug anyone before (fair enough, im not a hugely touchy person...usally)
um yeah, from there Pete seemed to be enjoying telling everyone that we were together.
I think the oddest thing i heard was Barker thinking that we had being together for a while and had already gone out and junk.
lol, not that i mind...I deffiently am fond/in greeat like with Emma.
Emma's nice, cute in her own Emmaish way, red/brown hair, glasses, she's in my history class and for once i actually feel i can talk to the girl i have a crush on (as opposed to feeling like an idiot)
And just holding her in my arms is one of the greatest feelings ever
lol, after school yesterday i saw her and she was like, 'do you that everyone thinks we're together?'
at that point it think i made a dumb mistake and tryed to explain that it was all just petes doing. Then she asked if we could just pretend we were for everyone. and me being a complete idiot and not thinking was like thats not a great idea
yeah, smooth....today, after telling Horner that, even he was like. Yeah that wasn't the best idea. Should have just done it to have some fun at least.
see, cause i know i like her, but i wasnt sure weather she liked me. And i didnt wanna get into a situation where we were pretending to like each other and have me actually being the idiot who actually was fully into her.
i hate hindsight...
while it may just be wishful thinking there's quite the chance that she was just offering the idea as an excuse for us to hang with each other more (which im all up for )
I'll talk to her tomorrow! (and undoubtedly throw in a nice hug or two)
my dads in hospital
critical care (though i have no idea what the difference between critical and intensive is)
apparently he'd being having what he thought was indigestion over the past few days, which turned out to be blocked artery or something.
to be honest im not really sure.
either way, my mum said they had to like insert some metal thing in near his artery to make sure it stays open and um... yeah.
im really not sure.
at first i didnt really react at all, but now i think im kind of freaking out.
dont think im gonna sleep much tonight.
all i have to do is manage not to do my poetry presentation for one more english period and i reackon im free
our teacher told us we'd have a sub tomorrow and we'd just be doing revison for exams
then all i have to do is somehow get through monday's english then we have like a 2 week break fro exams
then after them, we've got some dumb transition to year 11 thing for the week after
so hopfully after all's done. she'll have forgotten about the gay poetry.
Ps. not baggin poetry, just the stuff we's doing....its crap
yeah, this is sorta gonna be a 'cara blog' lol
yeah, shes gone...left a week ago now
thus showing how um...yeah, i handle crap
i'm in germany! i couldnt work out how to use the at symbol on these weird german keyboards. and i still dont. so i copied and pasted. hehe.
From: "michael lee" <********@hotmail.com>
Subject: by the by
Date: Wed, 02 Nov 2005 21:43:24 +1100
Ya hair looked nice
When ya where it down
(without the hair band i mean)
Yep, that's all i had to say.
have fun in Germany.
(lol, tis sincere this time. I was kind of moppey the other day)
o o x (o, he went there, lol)
yeah, that was like a thing i sent her on the day she left, i got a response. I felt so glad (lol, man im lame)
got anther one too, twas more of a thing of what shes being up to and stuff she sent to quite a few people.
For some reason i felt quite of down after reading it for a day or two.
Read it again yesterday, sounds like shes having fun though.
she was on msn the other day, which suprised me. apparently they're like...11 hours or something behind us. I think she was actually at school.
wasnt much being said though
o what to say to the girl you have a crush on... who decides to fly around to the other side of the world
nothin on ye olde tele, no one on msn, already played guitar for like 1 1/2 hours, dont wanna do homework.
in other news
Went to my first hardcore show on the weekend.
twas very different to the Grysocope one.
Instead of a mosh there was just like this 'crew' of guys (i think they all had 'mmmc mosh' written on their arms) that kind of shoved everyone to the side making this big circle, then they sort of just full on lost it.
They only did it for two of the sets, but after the first i kind of got bored of them and just wished they'd bugger off. (they seemed to be runnin out of moves and just repeating a hell of a lot)
Suddenly felt like i was someone from friday to sunday, now im back to borring old me.
On friday i was at school till like 5:30 doing rehersals for the celebration thing, then i had a guitar lesson later that night.
I had also made plans with Greason to meet in the city on saturday to get tickets to another Behind Crimson Eyes Show. Later to only have to sort of cancel that as i ended up going to the show on saturday instead.
Also had tennis on saturday.
Then on sunday Darcy called and asked if i wanted to go into the city and catch some flick with a few of the other lads. Didn't go, was my last weekend to get something for my mums birthday and i had a crap load of work i hadnt started.
Still...twas nice to be sort of busy for a while, felt like a somebody
think im getting another cold...sucks
I'm gonna go watch family guy now
Thanks to Cream (the band...)
those guys are were/are awsome
the second solo to crossroads....
greatest thing ive ever heard, not just the guitar but the bass also goes for a bit of a run as well
tis too hot, (twas like 32 degrees today)
i dont like the heat,
i dont really like this false coolness, from air conditiong.....just feels weird.
Had a convo with Pete the other day,
tis good to know that we can actually have a conversation and trust each other with stuff (cause usally, you know. We both talk alot of crap)
twas a convo about crushes and girls, lol
I still got a thing for Cara, but i guess Pete just made me see things a bit differently.
With us both used to being kind of guys that didnt get out much, we sort of both went through the same crap over crushes on girls at school.
Pete gets out more these days, and just sort of reminded me that there's other people out there. (like....not just at school)
yeah, we almost got philisophical too (i think), when i mentioned tha the grass is always greener on the other side, then we went into this big thing about what that means and weather its true.
Sent a last message to Cara just then, last time i'd chatted with her was on msn and i was kind of moppey that she was going. (hence...there wasnt alot being said)
Yeah, i generally get the feeling that im not really anything to Cara other then like a bit of a weird friend. (weird's not nessacarily bad. some of my friends that enjoy hanging around with most (outside 'the gang') are pretty weird)
it's funny cause in Australia no one gives a dam
though i did get the day off school!
(but that was just cause of the melbourne cup)
here we have another dude
this was actually just the first rough design before i redid the whole thing on A2 (Beleive me i did , if ya gonna do something, do it on A2!)
cept it turned out i liked my prototype better.
using water colours on such a big peice of paper is difficult to get what you want, though it is very fun. (or i forgot how to get the effect i wanted, one or the other *shrug*)
lol, alot of people said his face was weird, i like him though