Date: May 11th, 2005 1:11:37 am - Subscribe
Mood: unattractive
music: crowded house!!!

this varse and endless world is expanding the pain and sorrow that i cant seem to get rid of!! my heart has been riped off its hinges and i dont think"blue tak" will fix it!! i always look for the easy why out so far its just made the cuts deeper!!
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Date: May 5th, 2005 3:28:00 am - Subscribe
Mood: remotely alive

today the pain faded!! it was really good!! it was like a building has been lifted off my shoulders!! today was a boring, simple day!! i loved it!! its bout time that this torned up heart had time to heal!! it feels really good!!
so i hope that the rest of the day goes really well!!
i think it will!!
today i can finally breath!!
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Date: May 4th, 2005 5:29:50 am - Subscribe
Mood: empty

i cant see naymore!! not phisically, menterally!! i cant see my future!! i want to be a musican, to be in a band, to feel like i belong so badly that i cant see whats right in front of me!!
the fact im doing really well in school and music, drama, legal studies hasnt even crossed my mind until today!!
theres an new girl at school that my music teacher told me about!! she plays the drums(just like me), shes in my year, she is proberply better then me, better looking, nicer then me, better musician then me!!
im so parinod!! why cant i except the fact shes better!!??
well i havnt acually met her year!! i dont really know much about her!! but i cna be really parinod about things like this!!!

im really scared!!
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another day at this wonderful school!!!
Date: May 4th, 2005 12:44:57 am - Subscribe
Mood: unloved

whats the problem with this selfish, mixed up world!!?? i cant walk down the hall with out having to hold my breath!! i cnat stand the fact that everyday is a new heart ache!! i cant thnik of the last time i was remotly happy!! it was a long time ago!! i sit here in class and i see all these people walkong past the window and cant help it wonder how shallow and rapped up in thier own world they really are!! i know THAT sounds selfish but, this came as a suprise but i dont really care!!
all these people that have hurt me hve added to a wall around my heart!! my friends byfriend left the other day and she couldnt stand it and everyone was upset because it was so sad!! i knew it was but didnt fee a thing!! this really hurts! i wish, everyday i could just fly away and find a world that im not a target for everyone else!! maybe its the pariona getting though but im really scared!!
im scared that one day everyone will find out about my little "habits" that run my life!! this school doesnt run on any sympathy for others , it runs on himiliation!! stupid i know but hey what can i do!!?? some singled out lonely freak that no-one knows about!! i hate it!!
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Date: May 2nd, 2005 5:26:23 am - Subscribe
Mood: blahhhhhhh

these scars are starting to fade!! but a girl in my class saw them awhile ago, they were fresh and still bleeding!! she finally told my year conorinator!! now im getting "in school stess reduction sessions" with her!! figures they make a fancy name for something that is just her listen to me winge!!!

but im scared that the rest of the school will find out!! i dont wont more of a reason for them to make my life hell!!!!!

im sick of this!!

my brother found the blood soaked cloth and the sleeping pills in my room last nyt but he dosnt care!! its another reason for him to give me shit!! about how much im starving for attention!!

hes a fucking fruit loop!!
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my day
Date: May 2nd, 2005 5:20:25 am - Subscribe
Mood: tired

well!! today started out pritty good!! i got a part in the year 12 yeraly production!! which is pritty good coz im only in year10!! but the rest of the day i could help the fact that every corner i turn they are there!! the fact that every day as i leave the house i cant help it wonder about whats going to happen!!

i found a knife in the cooking room!! i took it and started looking for them!! i couldnt help myself!! i hate them so much that i cant stand the fact that they get away with taking away my sanity!!

but its ended on a good note!! i meet this guy!! actually on emo blog!! he sound really cool!! so i hope that this dosnt end in some disaster like everything else in my life!!

i can only tak this one day at a time!!
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Date: Apr 28th, 2005 5:50:18 am - Subscribe
Mood: marvelous!!?? bullshit
music: down and out

i know i sound like i complain alot!! but im pritty ok with my life!! well not the people in it!! but i love my music and i love to act but the people that surrond me are ones of evil!! pure and simple!!

i hate people!! well all the ones i know!! i wanna met a friend, and boy friend, a eqantince, enyone that wont just reject me when the realise who i am!! i havnt had a guy friend in about a year!! but its my fault i know that but i wanna met a guy wont think if he gets me drunk ill have sex with him!!

just a decent guy that treats me right!! but im asking for the imposible!
Comments: (1)

the man that ruined my life
Date: Apr 28th, 2005 4:43:51 am - Subscribe
Mood: crushed
music: worthless

as i walked across the park fom leaving the drama audition, which i was already nervous about, i saw him!! the one that fucked up my whole existence!! seeing my ex boyfriend with "her" made me wanna grab the knife my friend was playing with and ram it through for deep and evil heart!! no-one knows how much i still care bout him! people wouldnt understand! my class "mates" say that i make up false memoryies of the time we were togehter! the only real memory i have people say is true is the day that he first touched me!! i still feel those gastly hands run down my neck every time i lay in bed!!
i look at the photo beside my bed, which has been there for over a year after we broke up, and all i see is the fact that one day he might love me again!
each day i wonder
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Date: Apr 27th, 2005 7:00:28 am - Subscribe
Mood: forgotten

i sit here in this hollow and empty thing that i might of onece called a body! every time i look in the mirror i just want to end this shallow, usless ting they cal life!! i look up and all i see is the life that i could have been in if his ghostly pale hands hadnt touched me!
every morning i wake up and see those devilish eyes that ended mt sanity!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
these tears that run down my face are symbols the burning pain that invades my black and broken heart, mixed with a rushing river of sorrow that i feel each and everyday!
Comments: (1)

Date: Apr 27th, 2005 12:34:59 am - Subscribe
Mood: horrible
music: the beating of my heart

im here at school and i wished this morning that nothing would happen. so far its all good but every corner i turn i shiver because i scared about hows on the other side. so much fights and comments and teasing has gone on at school towards me from peope i used to call my friends, that was along time ago!!!

But as i walked down the coridoor after class, there they were. right behing me yelling perfanities at me and about the way i dress, what i like, the way i live!!!! i cant stand there shit any more! i walk pass them when their by themselves and they act normal, just like their not my mortal enemy!! i hate this school!
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