lovexhate's Aeonity Blog - prose

lovexhate's Aeonity Blog

Only love can save our souls; but love is hate my beloved sweetheart bastard.

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prose	Oct 21st, 2009 4:45:30 pm - Subscribe
she wanted to be in one of those books, like in childhood where she read about dragons & princesses, and monsters. she took a long walk, but it was cold & she felt cold from the inside too. more or less all of the leaves had turned brown and crisp, & had fallen off the trees. she let her feet take her, though something was different about this walk than normal. everything felt and looked dead, she could not breathe and didn't feel like she had the space or room to either. normally fresh air did her good, but this time it made her choke up & want to cry. but nothing came out. she felt as dead on the inside as she had felt about everything on the outside. the walk took her to a dark place, nothing like those childhood stories. a place of many trees and overgrowth. she had visited this place during her childhood, but it was a sad place as she had often come here when she felt like she needed to run away. she hadn't had the courage to walk inside that place for many years, up until now. she took a couple of steps and wondered what on earth she was doing back here, but nevertheless her feet carried her forward and she took small steps up through the overgrowth, on the pathway. she covered her nose and mouth as the flies started to circulate around. she didn't want to go down towards the stream, so she went back and walked on the pathway in the opposite direction. the path was turning into mud, so she sidestepped onto the grass for a while. she was above a lot of the trees and the undergrowth. the path was getting narrower and narrower, so she was carefully stepping as to not fall. she wasn't really thinking or feeling anything & as soon as she saw more steps, she turned and went back to her house. some hours later, in a conversation with her boyfriend, she started to feel detached and lost. she started to try & cry, but could scarcely manage a couple of tears. later on she felt so alone, although the normally annoying occurences of the day were not happening as usual. it was good to have a break from the stress & all, but she was scared of becoming alone once more. although she had always been alone in it all, she was quite terrified at the thought of being alone again, of losing hope and faith. she had just started to open up, had just begun to trust a little more, and now she was scared of losing it all & getting hurt, particularly at this point in her life. she had started to cry. love is one thing in its purest form that can get you welled up. especially if it is true love. still, she had to control herself as she had no real space to cry. she sat and wrote this instead.
mood: amorous	(0) comments

some confusing ideas	Oct 14th, 2009 3:57:22 pm - Subscribe
my mother keeps pestering me to tell her about my struggles in life. to begin with, I dont even know where to begin! or how to say it or what to leave in and out. i'm not sure why she can't go a day let alone a couple of hours without asking. it's getting on my nerves. and whilst i appreciate her concern, she knows she shouldn't be overbearing or overprotective. i need room to breathe and be. it's true to start looking at ucas and courses, maybe some course involving writing without taking the fun out of it. i feel like i need to follow my heart and travel, maybe do some volunteer work before returning to uni. and so, therein lies the problem about the time frame of going back. but yeah, no harm in getting ideas and applying. uhm, so well yeah. she thinks she's old and doesn't think that her happiness matters anymore. so she's waiting for me to tell her what's happened to decide her next move. but it shouldn't be like that, meh. she keeps bugging me, saying things about the net, things she has no clue about, so how am i supposed to confide in her? well, im tired. dunno if i've left anything else out. hmm.
mood: ditsy	(0) comments

its the bar we break to blow away	Oct 12th, 2009 2:53:36 pm - Subscribe
on the whole i've had a good day. i woke up at 7 but didn't really do much other than chill till about 10. did some jobs for my mother and randomly went out into the garden. i felt the warm sun on me and smiled. nature makes me happy. i suddenly decided to go out for a walk and so, i let my feet take me. i enjoyed every single step, taking everything in, all the beauty as i was passing by. i strangely took myself to my secret place, the place i used to run away to when i was younger. i only stayed there for a moment or two and walked back inside. i never realised but the book my mum got out from the library a couple of weeks ago was about angels. "angels in my hair" and it was waaay too wow. i started to read it outside in the garden and it was nice. books from amazon should be arriving this week. i really do want to read mine. i've been feeling like my body is still releasing things. ended up with a headache and tiredness hmm. maybe stress releasing? need to call S tomorrow. it was nice chatting to A about my experience in Ireland. I feel a bit iffy as the evening has gone along. i'm not sure whether things are going to change for the better. not because i'm not trying but because she isn't. i need to persuade her, we shouldn't stop looking for a place. we need to move. i do need to open up to her about the past though, and how the net has helped me more than harmed. everything has to get better, i'm sticking to it and i just hope she will follow and not be set in her ways.
mood: twisted	(0) comments

i miss the deadliest continent	Sep 13th, 2009 7:19:43 am - Subscribe
it's hard to let go of everything and i'm scared about several things. i just want him to lie to me until the end, is it so bad that i want some love for myself? i wanted to give all my love to him and the world, and things would have been different if i'd finally got out of here in the next few months, i'd have been fine. i wonder why it's such a crime to want to be happy, though. i wish i knew the answer. the physical pain doesn't matter so much to me. it's the other pain i want resolved. i wish there was an answer.
mood: feverish	(0) comments

see saw	Aug 13th, 2009 10:38:42 am - Subscribe
he's gone and got himself another temporary girl. oh gosh. he thought he was making me jealous the other night, but not so much. i just can't believe that in the months we hadn't talked much at all, he was waiting for me to say i wanted him. it's pretty ridiculous to me. anyway, i can't believe people piss me off so much here. i just wish i could get away from this place right now. i feel like i need to.
mood: spontaneous	(1) comments

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