| Today i went to joanne fabrics with my mum to buy something, but i forget what it was, anyways i went around talking in a brittish acents and told anyone who asked that i was on holiday from england visiting my aunt Diane. they believed me. My mom could not stop laughing. Then we went to this cheep cd store and i bought Beck, Foo Fighters, Switchfoot, Garbage and Dashboard Confessional. They were awsome. |
| I've got a case of the mondays! ugg. i really hate mondays. i have a shit lode of math to do cuz i've been taking this really long test that took 3 days to finish, so i have like 5 assinments to do. its all algebra. i hate it. math sucks. I got the new fall out boys cd. i'm so exsided to listen to it. tonight is a night of music, math, and burning cds. wow. that will be fun. Anyways veronica mars is on tomorrow. i can't wait. its like the last or the second to the last one and we finally get to figure out who killed lilly. my moneys on duncan, but something tells me it can't be that easy. maybe it was her father. and wow, logan raped her? whats up with that? ugg i can't wait for the ending, but then i'll be sad becaue it will be over. ahwell, thats how these things happen! |
| Im trying to burn my freind a bunch of cds, but my stupid burner is being well, stupid! I can't get it to work. i went with some friends to cheepos yesterday and i baught the strokes, get up boys and another one that i can't remember right now and am too lazy to go and find. wow isn't that the story of almosty everybody? "i'm just to lazy". well its true. america is a very lazy place. My friends thought it would be cool to have a little dinner party at my friends house because her parents were out of town so we have pizza and drank wine and pretended to be rich brittish housewives that all they did was shag the gardener. it was crazy. my best friends birthday was on thrusday. its soo sad. she just turned 17 and i'm still 15! i don't even get my license until aug. 17. its really depressing. i have a shit load of math homework to do again but i really don't want to do it so i don't think i will. i get to pain my bedroom on sunday. i'm paining one wall red, one wall green, one wall blue, and i havn't desided on the last color. we'll see what happens. my dad bought me a bunch of records like blondie and stuff and now he's going to find me a record player! its going to be soo cool. i really should have grown up in the 80's, but no, i was a 90's child. i grew up on tapes, which arnt that bad. tapes just don't sound as good as records and cds. although records sound the best. |
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i'm working on a poem for my young adult lit class right now. i call it distortion. its about a girl whos mother beats her and she used drugs to "distort" her life and make her feel no pain. its acutally pretty good, its goes. . . . Everywhere i look nothing seems right. I'm in a haze of color and i can't quite tell where i am anymore. I can only think about the pills that Dan gave me. i can feel them swimming around in my stomach, flapping around, like fish out of water. They feel beached in my insides.I havn't ate in days and my stomach acid is starting to eat away at my insides. I know these are the regular simptems, but in this state, my heart starts to race, thinking maybe, just maybe i am fianlly dieing. I can see my my mother looking at me now. The haze and the colors have started to lift and i can tell she is looking at me, talking to me. I can't make out the words but i kow she is yelling at me. I try to think back to what could have made her so mad, but my mind is blank. I watch slowly as she lifts her hand high above my head, but i can't see what happens next. I feel a sting in my cheek and i know i'm on the floor, buti can't remember how i got there. There are stars everwhere, dancing behind my eyelids. i can't make out anything anymore and i feel myself slip back into the haze. just anoher day as a stoner. . . . And thats all. i think its pretty good. i have to write a summary about it now and how it partains to young adults and stuff. i hate my teacher, Mrs. Powers. its nothing she has done personally, but our personalitys clash, ya know? its weird, i can't pin point it, but i just know i don't like her. i only have 5 weeks of her class left thought so i'm happy about that. i bought a braclett today from school that is camo and says support out troops. its really cool, only nate got mad about it. he said that real camo dosn't have yellow in it, but mine does. i ask him what about if your hiding in the snow and you pee on it, then you would blend. i mean its not like if i walk into the woods, no one will see me because i have camo around my wrist. anyways i should go do my homework, god math sucks! Today my mood is: happy go lucky! song of the day: bloodred summer by coheed and cambria. snack of the day: better chedders Clothes: Too small striped shirt that says Ton Sur Ton (anyone know what the hell that means anyways?) jeans, spiked belt, big headband, black and red chuck taylors. |
| its amazing how sharp one knife can be. i can drag it across my skin and it slises it like butter. i can feel the blood dripping down my arm and i know that this is as close to death as i can be. my own little death, right here with a knife. my arms are bleeding all over the keyboard, all over the desk. tomorrow i will be in trouble for making suck a mess. if only i could be better, i wouldn't need the knife. the knife makes up for my faults. i hate myself. i am so fat and ugly. i think i'm annoying and stupid. why do people like me? i don't understand any of this. is makes me crazy trying to figure out what people see in me. i spend house looking into my mirorr, trying to see what they see. but all i see is my fat nose, my fat face, my gross teeth. everytihng about me is fat and gross. i just want to take my knife and cut away all the fat, throw it aside so that i can be better. i could be so much better without the fat. i hate every inch of my short fat body. i can't even stand to take a shower. i know i will never have a boyfriend again. nate only went out with me becasue we liked the same music. that was stupid. i was so stupid. i should have realized sooner that i'm not good enough for anybody. they would take one look at my fat and go running away from me. i can't do anything to stop them. they have minds of their own, and in their minds i am fat and ugly, butin my minf its worse. i am 20 times as fat and ugly as they think i am. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i just don't want to be part of this world anymore. i don't want to be part of a world where i have to look at skinny beautiful people everyday. i should just go hang myself. cut my wrists, drink draino, take as many pills as i can. jsut something to take all this pain away. the more pills i take, the worse the pain becomes, so i take more. soon i dont know where i am and i can taste metal in my mouth. the pills come out of me all at once and i can see them floating in the tolet. the pian is easy to ignore when i am full to the rim with pills. its much more easy to comprehend my uglyness, my fattness, if i just take enough pills. they work like magic, taking me to a place where no one can hurt me. where the only voice there is is mine, tell me that i am fat, ugly. telling me to just end my life now. its so hard. i just want to give up. |