. i've got to say that today is not my best of days. i really do think i'm bipolar. it makes a lot of sense. i mean i blogged twise yesterday, once around 7 and the other around 11. from 7 to 11 i don't know what happened but i desided to try and kill myself. thats were the ibprofen came in. i didn't take enought to kill me, not even close, but i am startign to feel kind of sick so i don't know what i'm going to do about that. its werid how happy go lucky i can be and then wam, its all over and i want to kill myself. i started cutting last night. the first time in months. its like i'm relapsing, but i don't see how thats possible, i feel fine most of the time. Its the one out of 10 times that i'm feeling shitty that matters. I just don't get it. Its werid when my friends saw how many i had taken, it was like it was suck a big deal, but when emily herd, she just gave me more. thats were i got the pills, emily. she gave me the whole bag so i could take as many as i want. but for now 12 is good. i'm actually thinking about taking more, for the pain that the first 12 ibprofen and causing in my stomach, but that may not be the best idea. i really don't think i'm thinking clearly. its weird how that happens. ibprofen makes you feel better, but if you take to many you get sick, it should be that if you take more you feel better, but thats not how i feel right now. rigth now i feel like i want to go jump off a bridge. i wont. i'm too afraid. thats me, fearless, exsept when it comes to dieing. i really dont' want to die, sometimes it just feels like a nessesary exscape. to quite the noises. to make it all go away. its like cutting. most people cry to feel better then they feel all releaved. me, i can't cry, so when i cut, afterwards i feel really releaved. its better then crying. i hate crying. i feel so waek. like nothing i do matters anymore. its weird how that goes. some poeple cry, but all i need is the sight of blood running down my arm to feel ok, to feel incontrol. not manypeople understand that, onyl other people who cut. its different for normal peopel. oh god how i wish i could be normal........Mood: Sick
Music: jimmy eat world
clothing: jeans, black and red converse, too small soccer t-shirt, and DECA sweatshirt. its from this school called ivan sand community school. i've never heard of it. i got it at a thrift store.
! its really sad! i don't know, maybe my mom will let me get tickets to a bunch of other concerts. i'm calling this summer the summer of concerts. no wait, the summer of music. i like that bettter. its like the sound of music, only the summer of music. hahaha. anyways, its off to church i got, bloody parents.