blood on my keyboard

May 9th, 2005 11:02:43 pm - Subscribe
Mood: sleepless

its amazing how sharp one knife can be. i can drag it across my skin and it slises it like butter. i can feel the blood dripping down my arm and i know that this is as close to death as i can be. my own little death, right here with a knife. my arms are bleeding all over the keyboard, all over the desk. tomorrow i will be in trouble for making suck a mess. if only i could be better, i wouldn't need the knife. the knife makes up for my faults. i hate myself. i am so fat and ugly. i think i'm annoying and stupid. why do people like me? i don't understand any of this. is makes me crazy trying to figure out what people see in me. i spend house looking into my mirorr, trying to see what they see. but all i see is my fat nose, my fat face, my gross teeth. everytihng about me is fat and gross. i just want to take my knife and cut away all the fat, throw it aside so that i can be better. i could be so much better without the fat. i hate every inch of my short fat body. i can't even stand to take a shower. i know i will never have a boyfriend again. nate only went out with me becasue we liked the same music. that was stupid. i was so stupid. i should have realized sooner that i'm not good enough for anybody. they would take one look at my fat and go running away from me. i can't do anything to stop them. they have minds of their own, and in their minds i am fat and ugly, butin my minf its worse. i am 20 times as fat and ugly as they think i am. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i just don't want to be part of this world anymore. i don't want to be part of a world where i have to look at skinny beautiful people everyday. i should just go hang myself. cut my wrists, drink draino, take as many pills as i can. jsut something to take all this pain away. the more pills i take, the worse the pain becomes, so i take more. soon i dont know where i am and i can taste metal in my mouth. the pills come out of me all at once and i can see them floating in the tolet. the pian is easy to ignore when i am full to the rim with pills. its much more easy to comprehend my uglyness, my fattness, if i just take enough pills. they work like magic, taking me to a place where no one can hurt me. where the only voice there is is mine, tell me that i am fat, ugly. telling me to just end my life now. its so hard. i just want to give up.

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