new blog
Date: Jul 21st, 2005 8:19:56 pm - Subscribe
Mood: mushy
I feel like this one has sort of been a dud though I poured some heartfelt entries into it...
so if you want to see the journal/blog I'm keeping updated you should track me down at
www.livejournal.com
foreverfields
Thanks
Comments: (0)
Backlash.
Date: May 16th, 2005 2:32:29 pm - Subscribe
Mood: desperate
There's only so much of something that someone can take if that something is suffocating them to a point of insanity. I feel incapable of making a man that I love understand me and who I am. I'm realizing more and more that's because he's not my soul mate. So then I wake up in this nightmare that is my life at the moment. I'm broke, I'm in debt and I'm with someone else who is using me to brace his fall into his own brokeness and debt. I would normally be compassionate and try to help someone out if they were just a friend, considering he's technically more than that, it's not like me to feel like just saying, "you're on your own"... but you know what, that's what he's done to me again and again. And you know what, that's fine, if I'm on my own with you, you're on your own with me. There's a point where you cut off the part that's holding you down... and since I can't really cut all the parts of me off that have messed me up, I'll detach the external entity that is making me drown.
I'm not going to be used. I won't stand for being abused physically, emotionally, mentally. I won't let someone else exhaust me. I won't let someone else drain me into a mind-numbing exisitence. I want my independence, my individuality, my freedom, my life, my soul mate, my relationship with God unhindered. I want to be at peace within myself and not at war in the house that I currently call home.
I just want to return to the place where I'm love, a place where I can feel and know that I really belong.
Comments: (0)
Artistic...
Date: May 5th, 2005 1:58:00 pm - Subscribe
Mood: humbled
My contacts for modeling are expanding more and more into artists and more artistic oriented photographers as of late. It's sort of exciting. Now I'm not just making a bunch of images that will be flaunted all over portfolios but I'm contributing to art that actually might be hung in galleries.
It's ironic. It seems like I'm more on demand than I've ever been. My contacts are increasing daily. Yet, I'm making less money because there's so many talented people that I can't possibly charge and fortunately they're not charging me. Further, I feel the least pretty ever. I need to lose weight. My skin seems irritated by something. And then... I realize that I am going to be discontent with my external beauty as long as I'm deterioting from within.
I apologize to this blog for the lack of entries lately... I have three online blogs (including this one), five online portfolios, and at least seven e-mails to check. Ok, now I'm just making excuses, honestly, I haven't really felt like writing, exposing my weaknesses, or continuing to fall apart online.... Bleeding out in front of a bunch of people you don't know, or worse, on one at all is a horrible way to fall apart. I'll try to return more full to the depth that I once poured forth here more consistently.
Comments: (0)