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ray3862 it'll let you know you're human in the end... - Subscribe
So. Today was...big.

The engagement is off. I could deal with it so much better if it wasn't them. The two people I care about more than anything in the world. While talking to both of them, I realized what we'd truly lost. In taking the chance of making a future, they gave up what we created when we were younger. Maybe that's the way things are supposed to be, since that's the way it worked out. But I will still mourn that loss. "It's not your problem," a friend said, trying to...comfort me? give me advice? No, it's not my "problem." It's my life. It's my family. Fate is stronger than blood. So are the experiences you go through.

I also found out that I'm not going to D.C. next weekend over halloween. buzzkillllllll. that'll work out too, of course. it's not like i'm not going to find other things to do. still a big disappointment though. major.

but, today I also smoked my last cigarette. life's too short to pretend like this is okay when i'm young. because i'm not going to be young forever.

and then what?
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Mood: and so it goes...
Today's Grade: 14th

ray3862 So I will share this room with you, and you can have this heart to break. Oct 19th, 2010 11:36:21 pm - Subscribe
Fall break was wonderful. Justtttt what I needed! It's amazing how sometimes, things fall into place like that. You think you're going to hit the breaking point, but you never do. Problems don't disappear or get any easier, but you just deal.

I don't want to get ahead of myself here, but I think I'm on my way to a better place in myself, in my pe can see that I'm changing, that I'm not stuck in a rut, and that I DO have the power to make a change in my life. It's a nice feeling. I still need to work on strengthening my faith though.

I truly am blessed. We all are. And it's really nice just to step back and think about that.

I guess I should get back to homework. Although I feel like I could write all the way til tomorrow morning, about anything and everything.
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Mood: blessed
Today's Grade: S

ray3862 i'm never gonna catch my breath, say goodbye to those who knew me... Sep 22nd, 2010 2:09:38 pm - Subscribe
All the stress, confusion, and unhappiness I'm facing this year is turning me into a different person. I curse too much. I mumble all the time. I'm irritated and resentful a lot. I complain.

I hate it. This isn't me. This isn't who I want to be.

I don't know what to do to fix this. I know for a fact that I need to straighten out my faith and my relationship with God. I know that has to help. ...right?

I think more than anything else, I'm scared.

I just want to sleep, because any dream I have is better than my waking hours.
2 Comments
Mood: abnormal
Today's Grade: 75. same as my comm paper.

ray3862 proud mary Sep 6th, 2010 11:08:30 am - Subscribe
Everyone says that in college, you meet your life-long friends. Well, I met those kids when I was 6 years old. We didn't know it at the time, but the bonds we formed were unique. I would literally do anything for them. It sucks being an hour or more away from each other. This summer was the best. The absolute best. The summer I will remember the most as we grow older.

I always say I want adventure. I read a quote the other day that said something like "Everyone wants their life to be an adventure story, but they don't realize that they write every page." I need to take my path in my own hands. I know I'm scared. But isn't that what life is about? Taking risks?

B and I watched Post Grad the other day, and it gave me a panic attack like no other. I hate thinking about the future because I have no idea what the hell I want to do after graduation. But in the movie, Michael Keaton says that it's not always about what you do, but who you're with. And these friends, this family, that I've had since I could remember....I want to be with them.

H told me this morning that he would seriously transfer in a heartbeat if we all wanted to go to school together in Florida. T said she would too, but I feel like she harbors some fears as I do. Is transferring a good idea? I don't know...I hate being away from them, but I at least have some semblance of a plan here.
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Mood: jumbled

ray3862 To Sir, With Love Aug 29th, 2010 1:56:59 am - Subscribe
So I'm kind of glad that I didn't blog over the summer. Because honestly, any words I put down about this summer will not do it justice. I went to Connecticut and NYC to see my best friends get engaged on a Broadway stage after we just saw Wicked performed on it. I went to Niagra Falls for the first time, and I got to use my passport as we stayed on the Canadian side. I spent almost every single day with my best friend of 13 years. I watched a shit ton of Supernatural (actually, summer was kind of Supernatural-themed). I went to Atwood and Tappan and had amazing times. I went on numerous night walks, watched 2.5 seasons of True Blood, and I smoked too many cigarettes with some of the best friends that I will ever have. It was amazing.

And for the first time, I feel completely lost yet in the place I think I'm supposed to be.

I'm scared. Scratch that, terrified. But I'll never take for granted the love that's in my life.
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Mood: burned
Today's Grade: ?