girl. wife. mother.

fuck.
Date: Oct 2nd, 2007 3:56:30 am - Subscribe
Mood: forgetful



.....Spent the night in the hospital with Jake.

They thought it was his heart.

I'm going to sleep. I've been up for a solid day.
Comments: (2)

My life is one big movie marathon.
Date: Sep 21st, 2007 2:05:40 pm - Subscribe
Mood: overheated and frustrated
Random thought:: My little boy looks so cute in the outfit that Daddy dressed him in.

..with intermissions for diaper changing.

There's not much to do when you have a newborn. Once you're in routine (with a non-fusser) there's just a lot of sitting to be done once the shopping's done and the laundry is (more or less) put away.

I'm bored.
I think I'll stop in on my folks tonight and let them enjoy their Grandson.
I need to walk somewhere green. I hate being cooped up for too long in the city.
Comments: (4)

..how I cried (never going to ghold the hand of another..)
Date: Sep 21st, 2007 8:51:10 am - Subscribe
Mood: [[ Perfect hassle for the perfumed kiss. ]]
Random thought:: ..... (daphne descends - the smashing pumpkins)

I think I'm experiencing my first dose of marital... hardships.
I'm to blame. I know I am. I am not easy to get along with. Stereotypical. Non working. Whiny. Nagging. Bitchy. Explosive, even.

Since when did I think passion was a negative attribute?
Too late.

We've been fighting constantly lately. I hope we're just adjusting to the lack of sleep. Feeling isolated. Misunderstood. Lonely. Discoloured.
I hate when I get in moods like this. My writing gets disorganized and choppy. Oh well. I don't want to delete it. I'll just close the window instead of trying again.

I love my husband and my son. With all of my heart. I just don't know why I can't shut my mouth. I'm one of these people who go too far with their words. Overly critical and superficial with statements of observation.
I blame my schooling and my mother. I went for cosmetics for Christ's sake. I'm judgmental from the get go. My Momma is a gossip. Musical politics is always about which player is sleeping with which conductor or contractor, who got the pay raise, who deserved it more, who's cheating, who's a diva etc etc etc.
I don't mind having that one negative attribute from my mother. She's a fabulous lady. Strong. Persevering. I love her.

I just went to wake Mike up, laid down with him for a moment.
"Do you love me?"
"Of course I do.. very much."
Sometimes I just need to hear it. I love him enough to try and mute this buzz in my head. Like the distant drone of fluorescent overheads. Annoying, but ignored with a slight squint.
My family deserves the peace and quiet. The calm. There's no point in causing more trouble than there has to be.

It's 9:30 in the morning. I'm listening to cheesy pop music while I feed my son. He's a tad fussy this morning. We've had two nights of horrible sleep. Yesterday it was an hour and a half the whole night since he's ill (he can't sleep lying down, he has to be sitting up to breathe.. and I had to hold him). Last night it was about 4 hours. Mike helped me for a while, thank God. I was so tired I couldn't see 6 inches in front of my face. Shaky vision and I wasn't trusting myself to be as careful with Jake. I'd never forgive myself if I hurt him.

We just got a new love seat and a lounge chair the size of a Smartcar. Overstuffed dark olive. A nice addition to our living room. Finally. We've had a futon (free from a friend who was clearing out their basement) and a day bed from my parents looking like mismatched puzzle pieces forced to fit together. The day bed frame is in pieces on our balcony and the futon is in the corner of the room taking up much less space than I'm used to. This actually looks like a room that people can be comfortable in. That's what I need.. Some place where I can sink back and cuddle with my baby boy.. Not where I'm constantly adjusting and readjusting. A home isn't a home unless you're at ease.
Or at least that's what I'm preaching today.

We need cat food and diapers. I'm off to the store.
Comments: (1)

Dammit.
Date: Sep 19th, 2007 4:02:41 am - Subscribe
Mood: pissy
Random thought:: My little boy is soooo sniffly! :(

I just typed out a huge entry.

Stupid laptop mouse finger pad.

Deleted!

I hate that.

To summarize a 45 minute long entry:
Jake is sick.
He'll be fine.
I feel gross.
I'll probably be fine.
The house is a mess.
I don't care.
It was my Mom's birthday and we got her flowers. Such a crappy gift. I usually go all out for her but my mind is so scattered I didn't even remember it was her birthday again until she was on her way here. Sent Mike to the store on rush. Just made it. Oops.
A friend is doing my hair Tuesday. I might post a picture or two if I'm feeling really good about it.
Probably not of my face though.. I like the anonymity of this blog.
The picture I have up on my layout doesn't look like me now at all.. or at least I don't think so since it's been edited.
Hmm.

Tsk tsk. My other entry was muuuuuuuch better.

Dammit again.
Comments: (1)

Submission.
Date: Sep 12th, 2007 4:40:23 am - Subscribe
Mood: tranquil
Random thought:: I love watching Jacob's eyes flutter in his sleep followed by a smile. I know he's having sweet dreams.

I had sex for the first time since I had my son a couple of nights ago. Without my Dr's go-ahead.
Oops.

Not exactly planned but not exactly spontaneous. Mike and I were/are a very sexual couple and since we were so on and off during pregnancy it's had a strain on both of us. We'd go through dry spells during term where I was less than desirable and also others that I'd experience hormonal bursts where I'd chase after him for 4 times a day. Then directly following, a month where I did not want to be touched either from nausea or discomfort. Or resentment.

Cues screams and flashbacks: "You're never touching me again. I'll break a finger for every day I'm overdue. You did this to me. If there is a hell, it's run by a pregnant woman. etc etc etc."

I had a less than ideal labour, I'd say. (Yes, I'm Canadian, so I'll throw in a 'u' any damn where I please) 30 hours and a baby who stopped breathing 3 seconds after he was born. The Dr's were stitching me up for a half hour. Half without anesthesia, I couldn't see my baby. All I saw was more and more Dr's running into the room. Suction tubes stealing the amniotic mud from my little boys lungs. He came out so abruptly that there was no time to suction the head.. So he breathed it all in at once. And stopped.
Scariest moment. Likely to never be surpassed.

I'll always be thankful that I heard him cry. I knew then that he was alright. To think that we did everything, tried so hard, just to lose him then was he had barely arrived.
What ifs.
Never helped anyone.

.....Back to the point. The moment had built up between Mike and I for weeks. That tension that we had missed so much. The fact that we knew we couldn't be with one another.
Then we started fooling around. A substitute for the main event. Not as satisfying but still a good alternative.
Sounds like I'm reconfiguring a diet. Not talking about our intimate life.

Well things started progressing and we had found out that my stitches had dissolved. We knew we were in the wrong. We just couldn't fight it. Mike nipped out to the gas station to grab condoms.
and I prayed that I wouldn't become pregnant again.
The lovemaking was amazing. Woke up the neighbours. On purpose.
It wasn't that we don't care what the Dr says. It's just that we weren't strong willed enough to go another 10 days.


But I lived through it.. and my body seems just fine two days later.



My son is rocking off to sleep in his electric swing. It's soooo almost out of batteries. I give it a little nudge with my foot every now and again to make sure it doesn't stop moving. The kiddo will rise.. and then I'll never sleep tonight.

It's 5:09am. We got cable finally. Moved in two months ago. This will make some of those borrriiiinggg hours the kiddo is down a little more bearable. A slave to tv. Me. Oh well. I miss all those wedding and baby shows I used to watch.

Nanny 911 is keeping me awake now until Jake is deep enough in a rest for me to pick him up and move him to the bedroom again. We'll see if that's possible.
I used to watch these shows while I was pregnant to teach me what works best in a trial. Not typical results, I'm sure. Now that I'm seeing this, I know I was preparing myself for the worst.

I had a British Nanny growing up. She wasn't a live-in but she came everyday while my parents worked (when they both were working at the same job, they both lost their jobs when I was 9 and had a year of reconfiguring before getting back on the horse but separately). Born in England, worked in South Africa for a long time before coming to Canada.
Let's just say I was the only five year old on the block who could have a formal high tea.
I learned things like: the beverage is saved for after the meal except for a tiny sip when absolutely necessary, watercress and cucumber, tilt the soup bowl away from you and dip your spoon in correspondingly to get the little bits at the bottom.
My father always ate like a pig around her, out of spite. To prove that she was still his employee and that he would remain the same after she was long gone. Doreen, her name was. Smelled of the typical old person scent.
A little like buttercream icing and musk.
She had wax fruit on her countertop in her apartment. My brother always forgot each time we stopped in there. Nothing funnier than watching him pry part of a gnashed up juiceless grape from his teeth.

I wonder if I'll ever be able to give my child that kind of wholesome experience if he needs care. It's not Michael and I's decision for me to go back to work until he's in preschool at the earliest. After Doreen moved back to South Africa my family and I had bad babysitter after bad babysitter. Scenarios from the typical boyfriend in the house with open liquor to prepositioning my father for a blowjob for a few extra dollars. The worst thing the Nanny ever did was shoo us off to nap time early so that she could watch General Hospital without screaming in the background. How that hour used to feel like forever. Blinding daylight creeping into our rooms. Wrenching my eyes forever open.
I used to resent such a strict Nanny. Who wouldn't at that age? What 5 year old knows what the fuck watercress is? But I realize my young upbringing was very cultured. Classical musicians for parents didn't hurt either.
I'm thankful for that. I think I have a lot more to offer someone than most people. I have a different perspective on things. That's what makes me such a constructive conversationalist.
Ha.
*pukes*


I had a great girls night with a couple ladies that I've known from highschool. We all worked together later doing photoshoots and we've started getting back into a more regular contact pattern as well as getting closer again. We all used to be a tight group back in the day. We've got new lives now (as growing up often does permit) but I find that my most recent one, I've had several, really benefits from having these two girls inside it.
I hope the next time we get together will be as refreshing as this episode was.
Laughter. Gossip. Snuggling, cheesecake. Sorry, no pillow fights, nighties, comparing breasts or practicing kissing. *sigh*
Oh well, maybe next time.

I'm off to sleep. Jake's beaten me there while I was focusing on this entry.
Comments: (5)