girl. wife. mother.

..how I cried (never going to ghold the hand of another..)
Date: Sep 21st, 2007 9:51:10 am - Subscribe
Mood: [[ Perfect hassle for the perfumed kiss. ]]
Random thought:: ..... (daphne descends - the smashing pumpkins)

I think I'm experiencing my first dose of marital... hardships.
I'm to blame. I know I am. I am not easy to get along with. Stereotypical. Non working. Whiny. Nagging. Bitchy. Explosive, even.

Since when did I think passion was a negative attribute?
Too late.

We've been fighting constantly lately. I hope we're just adjusting to the lack of sleep. Feeling isolated. Misunderstood. Lonely. Discoloured.
I hate when I get in moods like this. My writing gets disorganized and choppy. Oh well. I don't want to delete it. I'll just close the window instead of trying again.

I love my husband and my son. With all of my heart. I just don't know why I can't shut my mouth. I'm one of these people who go too far with their words. Overly critical and superficial with statements of observation.
I blame my schooling and my mother. I went for cosmetics for Christ's sake. I'm judgmental from the get go. My Momma is a gossip. Musical politics is always about which player is sleeping with which conductor or contractor, who got the pay raise, who deserved it more, who's cheating, who's a diva etc etc etc.
I don't mind having that one negative attribute from my mother. She's a fabulous lady. Strong. Persevering. I love her.

I just went to wake Mike up, laid down with him for a moment.
"Do you love me?"
"Of course I do.. very much."
Sometimes I just need to hear it. I love him enough to try and mute this buzz in my head. Like the distant drone of fluorescent overheads. Annoying, but ignored with a slight squint.
My family deserves the peace and quiet. The calm. There's no point in causing more trouble than there has to be.

It's 9:30 in the morning. I'm listening to cheesy pop music while I feed my son. He's a tad fussy this morning. We've had two nights of horrible sleep. Yesterday it was an hour and a half the whole night since he's ill (he can't sleep lying down, he has to be sitting up to breathe.. and I had to hold him). Last night it was about 4 hours. Mike helped me for a while, thank God. I was so tired I couldn't see 6 inches in front of my face. Shaky vision and I wasn't trusting myself to be as careful with Jake. I'd never forgive myself if I hurt him.

We just got a new love seat and a lounge chair the size of a Smartcar. Overstuffed dark olive. A nice addition to our living room. Finally. We've had a futon (free from a friend who was clearing out their basement) and a day bed from my parents looking like mismatched puzzle pieces forced to fit together. The day bed frame is in pieces on our balcony and the futon is in the corner of the room taking up much less space than I'm used to. This actually looks like a room that people can be comfortable in. That's what I need.. Some place where I can sink back and cuddle with my baby boy.. Not where I'm constantly adjusting and readjusting. A home isn't a home unless you're at ease.
Or at least that's what I'm preaching today.

We need cat food and diapers. I'm off to the store.
Comments: (1)

d8mtr - September 21st, 2007 I hope your baby gets well soon and well even though I'm inexperienced on this marriage department I do know there are ups and downs..hope everything gets all right with your life. tc

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