girl. wife. mother.

Tonight Tonight - The Smashing Pumpkins
Date: Sep 11th, 2007 1:45:57 am - Subscribe
Mood: connected




I had the most amazing night. Spent some quality time with some old girlfriends.

I'll write more later.
*secret smiles*
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fixed.
Date: Sep 10th, 2007 7:20:01 am - Subscribe
Mood: muted
Random thought:: I should really go back to bed..

Comments are fixed. Thanks for giving me the heads up.

It's seven in the morning. I've just got my son off to sleep and now I'm watching the sun rise. I was exhausted and as soon as I saw his eyes so wide and awake I started perking up. I let Mike sleep and took Jake to the living room to nurse and get him back to sleep. Made Mike a lunch. He's a Networking student at college here. I guess that can put in perspective how young we are.

I went there as well...for about a month. Dropped out of a nursing program and decided to work at a coffee shop full time for that year. Nights get longer and days get non existant when you work the graveyard. I'm glad I'm out of that routine. Jesus, was that a bad idea.
Went back to college with a friend for Makeup Artistry/Business Management. We moved into an apartment with a $1500 rent. Moved out the next month. Ended up paying half a years rent in penalties due to my roommate/ex best friend bailing on me. Lesson learned.
But I'm still paying it back.. and by that I mean since I'm staying home with my new baby.. My husband is.
Sometimes life just isn't fair.

I think about all my student loans and how I'll never get them paid off without Mike.. Then I start thinking about his student loans and how maybe we'll never ever get out of debt with them all put together. Yikes.

I want a house for my family and I want the luxury to have more children. I was raised with a lot so I'm used to a higher standard of living. Only the best will do for my family.
Quality not quantity.

It's getting bright enough in here to turn off the nightlight. I feel like that sometimes. All the reality is leaking in... time to turn off the creativity.
I used to think I would go to Art school in Toronto. I would paint, draw, sculpt, schlack for hours and hours. Sometimes the whole night through for days and days. Stop.
Why did I stop?
I just fell out of love with creating?
Nope. That's not the case.
It sounds a little Malcom X'ish.. but maybe creating fell out of love with me.

That is possibly the saddest thing I've ever written. Yet, I'm not sad.

You give up things to get others. I may have not been able to punch out some more used canvas but I did grow my son, safe and warm deep inside my belly. I created life, with a little help from my husband.
That is a wonderful feeling.

Consider me compensated.

But that doesn't mean I don't miss it.
I miss that buzz.

The constant state of awake.
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I should be sleeping.
Date: Sep 9th, 2007 11:16:38 pm - Subscribe
Mood: stalling
Random thought:: Who gives an eff about Britney's comeback. Let that trash go.

I rarely get the opportunity to watch it but Curb Your Enthusiasm is a fabulous show. Mike and I don't have cable yet but my father flicked it on during dinner at their place tonight and I found myself screaming to it.
The scenario was that Larry and his wife were having a party and wanted to pick up a cake their friend fed them at a previous get together. They found out that the cake was from an erotic bakery and were furious since it was in the shape of a penis and they weren't made aware of it... only served a slice. Larry confronts this man from serving him dick cake.. and says that he had no idea that it had been in that shape before he consumed it.. To which his friend replies "..so then why did you take the balls home?"

I never am good at reiterating jokes so hopefully that wasn't too painful. Good show however.

Mike's bought a 360 and I find myself resentful. I don't know what it is about video games. I'm one of 'those' people I suppose. I just don't like video games. Never have. It's not because I'm not good at them, which I'm not, or the fact that they're overly expensive, which they are. It's the fact that they're just a waste of time to me.
Bad memories regarding them, I think.

Boyfriends who used to park me in front of the tube for literally 12 hours at a time... screaming at me if I complained.. Smoking joint after joint after joint being contented by that. Not me. There's so much more to my life than that now. Thank the Lord. Sheesh.

I know I shouldn't punish Mike for playing them... I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like when the system gets switched on, I take the back seat. Everything else is on hold.. I barely get an acknowledgment from him if I say something. Understanding that guys will be guys. He's the age where you want to play and he has held off getting this system for a long time. I just feel that with him in school full time and working full time.. There's going to be time for little else. My son deserves time with his father.
Mike is not neglectful.. and is helpful in the middle of the night with anything that Jake needs.
I don't know why I'm so selfish. Attention issues, I suppose.

I've always been a brat.

Cable comes on Tuesday. Then I can stop stealing wireless from our neighbours. I miss watching some specific tv shows. Plus, House will be on this month. That's something that Mike and I do NOT want to miss. We're junkies.

My son hardly ever cries. He's a month old tomorrow and he never cries unless I've done something wrong.
Today we were shopping with my mother and she had to make a few stops on the way home. Jake screamed and screamed when we were stopped. It took her longer than expected in every 'quick stop' that we made. I could feel the anxiety pouring out of my ears because I couldn't take him out of his car seat. All he wanted was for me to hold him and make him feel secure. Stable. Loved.
I know it wasn't anyone's fault and babies cry.. but I couldn't help myself. He cried so hard his entire body turned blood red and tears were pouring down his cheeks. The crying where you feel the change of tone in your core. They're just giving up. Believing that you're never going to help them since you're ignoring their needs then.
It's heartbreaking for me to hear.
My baby.. so upset.

Everything was fine.

But I reacted poorly. My emotions weren't in check. I should have just relaxed and accepted it but I got frantic and just started to continuously apologize to the little one. Silly, I suppose now that I look back on it.

I hate not owning a car. I have no control over my life when I'm dependent on others. I have someone depending on me now.. and I can't afford to have things like this happen all the time.
My nerves can't handle it.

I'm off to bed. Jacob's got his one month Dr's appointment tomorrow.

Goodnight.

xoxo
m
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x-posted from facebook
Date: Sep 9th, 2007 12:56:50 am - Subscribe
Mood: proud


♥. - 4:15pm Saturday, Aug 18 | Edit Note | Delete
This life has only just begun..

I'm so in love with you, Jakey.. This is what life was meant to be like.
I promise to be a great Mom, just like I had. You're worth it. You're worth everything. Mommy and Daddy are going to make everything as perfect for you as we possibly can. I promise.

Love you, little one.
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x-posted from facebook
Date: Sep 9th, 2007 12:52:39 am - Subscribe
Mood: twitterpated


Things change.. - 8:57am Saturday, May 19 | Edit Note | Delete
At the beginning of next month my sister's will total up to four. I've never thought about all this family converging until right now. I like having a big family.
When I was growing up, our daily life and holidays only included immediate family because every Aunt, Uncle, cousin, and Grandparent lived south of the border.

It's just awesome to know that this Christmas there will be family everywhere and our son there to make everyone smile. It's just amazing.

I'm in love with my husband more than ever right now for helping me make a family of our own. This is what we were meant for.
♥ Love you.
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