marijane's Blog

Finally, tiny steps foward
Date: May 15th, 2005 8:24:47 pm - Subscribe
Mood: inspired


Today i woke and repeated the usual mantras while getting ready for work: Today i will eat only safe foods. Today i will not binge or purge. Today will not turn into tommorow...At 7:30 pm i can sit at the computer without shame and bask in the glow of self-satisfaction and pride. Unfortunately, a day is only a miniscule grain of time in the grand scheme of things.

At AA meeting(although i have never attended one) they tell their recovering addicts to take everything one day at a time. Impatient dreamers can never quite grasp this concept. We start our races at top speed and eventually our momentum slows down, boredom or complacency being key components. We dont steadily plod forward like the metaphorical tortoise. We take drastic measures and seek immediate gratification, we cut corners, we cheat and we take risks.

Unless our minds fasten upon something like a steel trap and we fall prey to obsession.

Obsession is a powerful motivator. It can grasp someone completely and miserably control their entire being. If you know it lurks within you, you may try to supress it. If you are an All- or- nothing or one-extreme- to-the-other type You might even try to go to the opposite end of the spectrum, as far away from its grasp as possible. Its mentally exhausting to have blinders on your mind and no peripheral vision in your life.

The times when i have truly lost weight have been the times when i was completely and utterly obsessed. Its a thing that mentally builds up until its overwhelming and uncontrollable. It completely takes over your psyche, when apocalypse is happening outside my bedroom window, i could care less because i am making a list of safe foods. I'm becoming obsessed again and i'm scared because i know how it darkens my mind.

I'm scared because i know that i will obsess and i will get emotional over calories. The scale will determine my mood and general outlook on life 5 or 6x a day. When (or should i say "If") i reach my goal i will not enjoy it, rather i will compare myself and find someone in the room who is thinner. I'll complain and feel even fatter than before. Unfortunately, i have no middle ground to seek solace in and i can truly say that i have optimistically searched for it before ( i've found that only normal people get the privilege of idealistic moderation.) I'm too vain, materialistic and narcissistic to gain anymore weight, and i have to submit myself to a cold obsession rather than permit a dangerous addiction.


Todays Food Intake:
Breakfast- Atkins Cereal and Soy Slender, Coffee 160 cals
Lunch- Small salad with sirloin tips and fat free italian, half eaten. 200 cals
Snack- Slim fast low carb bar 190 cals
Dinner- Lean Cuisine, low carb 150 cals and Carb Freedom yogurt 90 cals
Total Caloric Intake:790

Wow, so much better and most importantly- No binge or purge!

Unfortunately 790 calories is not good enough to loose weight. But it's an important baby step.

Tommorow's Goal- 600 calories.











Comments: (2)

Contemplations on my day off work.
Date: May 12th, 2005 2:06:07 pm - Subscribe
Mood: decaffeinated


My diet was terrible yesterday. My self-control has depreciated to a level of hedonistic and impulsive gluttony that will only result in cottage cheese thighs and a spare tire stomach.
I wake up every morning in a sunny mood and i say to myself- today i will be good on my diet. Every night i go to bed with the consolation that tommorow i will be better on my diet. Enevitably, i binge.
This little cycle gets me nowhere and i feel so angry at myself.
Today i will not eat any food! I say this so emphatically that exclamation points can hardly convey my determination. Somewhere between my head and my body, the intention gets terribly misconstrued.
So i know i have to stop the binging. I have to stop the purging. These things only get worse, then fall into a state of recession before they come back tenfold. Again and again.
This is not a life to live.
My eyes should not glaze over as i shove ice-cream into my mouth, in a state of numb mindlessness. Only to glaze over again and turn red as i heave into a toilet. I find it so normal, it's a part of life.
I tell myself that as soon as i reach my holy grail;that magical number on the scale;that mirror image of the glossy faces in a magazine, it will all stop.
It's only a mirage, because what i'm doing never gets me closer to goal. Its only a terrible vice that destroys my body. I've gotten old enough to know that bulimia is a lie. Its all a big fat lie that has left me with a chronic sore throat. Binge eating is not a comfort, every bite makes me hate myself a little bit more.
I have gained and lost so much weight, in the end i am left hanging on to 135 lbs by a thread. Desperate and failing still clinging, and still gazing at that mirage in the distant.
Silly girl, you know that it does not exist, you live in a life of smoke and mirrors and you subscribe to lies.
I know i am a beautiful girl. I know that i dont like my weight and i want to change it. I dont know why i corrode my body and torture my mind. This is the behavior of an addict.
I want to change and i dont know how or where to find the answers. I wake up everyday with the attitude and mindset to change. Everyday i fail.

But enough with the negativity, there are lighter topics concerning today:

Days off work are spent in the most lackadaisical manner.
I woke up after noon to sip coffee and meander around in my terribly messy room. I'm still procrastinating on unpacking and cleaning up.
Yesterday i got a paycheck so i went to Walmart and walked around, picking up whatever caught my eye.
I spent the greater portion of my two-day pay on Trimspa, a Venus vibrating razor, Crest Whitestrips, nailpolish, magazines and the new DMB cd. Now, i'm not a music critic or anything, rather an avid fan. I have never been disapointed with a Dave cd but Stand Up is not what i expected it to be...
Now i still plan on going to the concert,
so maybe the cd will grow on me.
This has been a long blog with very whiny tones... tommorow, less whining and more positive thinking



Comments: (1)

The plan
Date: May 11th, 2005 10:20:32 am - Subscribe
Mood: well


Although my fast was not quite as successful as i'd hoped for, it's only midweek. I can still turn the rest of the week around. My plan is to get into ketosis so when i start my diet i will be in prime fat-burning mode and the exercise will then bump up my metabolism.
My plan is so wonderful and i'm so excited that i cant wait to begin.
Its called:

The Calorie Deficit Plan.

Daily Caloric Intake- The amount of calories burned through daily exercise and less than 20g carbs

Exercise- Cardio and weights everyday, 1 hr minimum.

Safe Foods- vegetables, edamame, soy burgers, lean chicken, lean fish, Low Carb Lean Cuisines. egg whites, fat-free cheese, low carb bars, miso soup, Atkins Cereal ( there is more but i cant think of them right now)
Safe Drinks- Water, Crystal Lite, Coffee, Green tea, Diet Pepsi, Sugar Free Soy Milk

*Supplements- Calcium, Multi-Vitamin, B-complex, Metabolic Complex, Amino Acids, Grapefruit tablets and Omega-3's* I usually forget to take my supplements but they are very important.

What a clever little plan. If i decide to binge on a bag of cookies- just picturing my lazy ass trying to burn off 500 calories on the treamill and my greedy little paws would put those cookies right back on the shelf.

Now, i have some strategies that run parallel with my Calorie Deficit:
1. My little feet ache terribly after working all day and sometimes the last thing i want to do in the evening is exercise So with that in mind, I can do my MTV yoga video or Denise Austin Pilates... even though they dont burn much calories i will give each one a calorie value of 200 calories.
2. Fast on Friday. I think Biblical characters did something of the sort. And one can always learn important lessons from them.
3. Vary Caloric Intake and workout sessions to avoid plateaus ( sp?)
Ummmm i cant think of anymore strategies right now.
I'm reading a wonderful book right now called " The Thin Commandments"
Of all the weight loss and diet books i've read, this book truly takes the prize. It's filled with unique strategy, knowledge and practicality.
I'm off to work now.
Comments: (2)

The First Day
Date: May 9th, 2005 12:15:14 pm - Subscribe
Mood: Perky


Weight-135 ... 30 lbs to loose

Today is a sunny day in May:

The birds are chirping outside, the weather is HOT. Thank God for Tennessee Mays, those who endure a few rainy weeks are immediately greeted with scorchingly hot weather that announce loudly that summer is here. If your caught on your unawares, it's too late, there is no turning back and you will be forced to endure the summer without trips to the pool or scandalous shorts and halter tops.

Once again, another year in my life has gone by, a year of loosing and gaining hundreds of pounds. In the end, i find myself at square one, a mathematical procedure that produces a mean, median and mode that i cant seem to escape. So what happens now that i realize my "dream deferred" once again? I gather everything i have learned on my run around the block, i remember what worked and what didnt work. I look back at my short-comings and try to figure them out. I seem to loose the most weight in the summer (the rewards, the jaw- dropping of classmates is euphoric in the fall ) So here i am, ready.
I have a whole shelf in my library of diet books, a whole shelf in my bathroom of diet supplements, multiple exercise videos and equipment, readily available to me.
Most of all my lists, strategies and goals help to keep me in-line.

Monday is the freshest day of the week. Most people associate this day with returning the monotonous tasks of the office and leaving the weekend flippancies behind. I, on the other hand, have started a fresh diet/workout plan on every Monday and felt as though a new era in my life was starting. There are never any self depreciating or negative thoughts on Monday only sheer child-like optimism.
So today marks the beginning of a 1 week abstinence from food. To cleanse my palate and break away from toxic foods that have become addictive. To give my bruised and chronically aching throat a break from gastric acid and to work out my plan for weight loss.
Comments: (1)