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Last entry here.
Date: Jan 27th, 2007 4:47:04 pm - Subscribe
Mood: --
Musik: --

http://marin-07.livejournal.com/
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The new Ma!
Date: Jan 23rd, 2007 4:55:08 pm - Subscribe
Mood: --
Musik: The Misfits - Ballroom Blitz

May I introduce the new, upgraded Ma version 2.0b?

Here she is:

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

It's a sketch of what I hope to look like in two months. I really like the hairstyle that way. Hopefully the hairdresser will manage it that it looks good considering that my face is not a "hairstyle-face".
Well, we will see~

~Adiós~
Marin
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Maths....
Date: Jan 23rd, 2007 12:21:05 am - Subscribe
Mood: I mustn't run away? 8D;;
Musik: The Misfits - Ballroom Blitz (yay, happy music!)

There was a maths test yesterday. Uh. It will be an F for sure, my third one, to be exactly. And if my marks are not at least Ds from now on, then I will have a serious problem. I will go to the liasion teacher today or tomorrow and will talk a few words with him. Maybe he has an idea how to solve this problem.

To be very good, good or at least average at everything except maths is very shitty (I will get the best report of my whole school career this half-year even though maths exists) and if I'm going to fail this year just because of something I will never ever need again, I will punch my wall until it's broken or my fingers are. Grr.

~Adiós~
Marin
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Just read.
Date: Jan 19th, 2007 1:47:13 pm - Subscribe
Mood: relieved
Musik: Death Cab For Cutie - Someday You Will Be Loved

I once knew a girl
In the years of my youth
With eyes like the summer
All beauty and truth
In the morning I fled
Left a note and it read
Someday you will be loved.

I cannot pretend that I felt any regret
Cause each broken heart will eventually mend
As the blood runs red down the needle and thread
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved

You may feel alone when you're falling asleep
And everytime tears float down your cheeks
But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved
Someday you will be loved


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Eva again.
Date: Jan 16th, 2007 5:35:26 pm - Subscribe
Mood: --
Musik: --

I found a very nice and cute lesbian manga this evening, Maka Maka. Not only it has beautiful drawings and a very sweet storyline, but also the two women are talking to each other and treating each other so lovingly, that it reminds me of Eva... but I swallowed the tears. I really thought I had overcome her, but sometimes there are those moments in which I just wish that she would be here and I could hear and feel her breath near my face... it was such a great feeling - thinking about it makes me cry...

But uh. I have to forget her. She was my evening star, the most important person in my life, but now she's gone, forever. And since she had admit that she had never loved me, even if we had such close contact, I simply try to ignore the pain.

But this manga is so... in parts it really could be Eva and me (they are artists. hello.) and it's so strange looking at these pictures and remembering some situations like they are in this manga. It's so lovely.

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Image Hosted by ImageShack.us
~Adiós~
Marin
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Janus <3
Date: Jan 13th, 2007 5:54:49 pm - Subscribe
Mood: tired
Musik: Janus - Wenn du vor mir stehst

Wenn du vor mir stehst und mich ansiehst
Was weißt du von den Schmerzen, die in mir sind?
Und was weiß ich von deinen?
Und wenn ich mich vor dir niederwerfen würde
Und weinen und erzählen
Was wüsstest du von mir mehr, als von der Hölle
Wenn dir jemand erzählt, sie ist heiß und fürchterlich?
Schon darum sollten wir Menschen voreinander so ehrfürchtig, so nachdenklich stehen
Wie vor dem Eingang zur Hölle.

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Time to change
Date: Jan 6th, 2007 8:04:42 am - Subscribe
Mood: disappointed
Musik: Janus - Lolita

I've decided that I had cried long enough. The last few days I felt horrible and I had the cold razorblade in my hand again. I felt lonely and unimportant, but then I thought about it. A few minutes, a few hours... I placed the blade on my shoulder, on the biggest scar and I knew I would be happier if I just cut my skin. But I couldn't do it and I don't know why.
But the time has come and I won't be weak anymore. As soon as I saved enough money for that trousers and longsleeves (with hoods?) I want to have, I will change my look completely. Maybe I will even cut my hair shorter, but I'm not sure of it. I want to look like what I feel like. I don't want to be a goth or a punk or anything else, but I have so much hatred and disappointment in me I want to show that to others through my look. The little, quiet, anxious girl in me is dead. Forever. Sure, I will keep my polite and caring side, since that is something I'm very proud of, but I don't put up with anything. For all bad things people do to me, I'll get my revenge without them noticing it was me.
And if someone thinks he could knock me out with any dumb comments, I catch him when he's alone and speak a few serious words with him.
No one will ever see me as a weak, little girl. I have changed. And I will show it to everybody.

~Adiós~
Marin
Comments: (1)


*tock*
Date: Jan 5th, 2007 3:53:29 pm - Subscribe
Mood: bored
Musik: Death Cab For Cutie - Soul Meets Body

Hm...
Hmhm...

I miss Annika. She wasn't online now for a week or so and I feel there is missing something. Of all the people in the world, she's the only one who says "I love you" again and again and again. She's the only one who asks me if I'm fine everytime she gets online. Hehe, I could say I'm somewhat jealous of Moe, her boyfriend, but that would be ridiculous, I guess. I could phone her... hm...
Maybe I just feel lonely again, who knows? Nobody treats me like she does...

~Adiós~
Marin
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Haaa~ 8D
Date: Dec 31st, 2006 9:40:07 am - Subscribe
Mood: unmotivated
Musik: Puddle of Mudd - Blurry

Omg that was scary.
I never felt so unmotivated than I did this night. And at... what... 1:00am I fell asleep over my table and waked up at 5:00am or so. And than I moved my mouse a bit and the dark screen turned on and all I could see was a description about Silia eating... a fish.
That sucks.

Nevertheless, a lovely quote by Steffi, the girlfriend of my brother:
"An infix is an affix in the middle of a word, different from the prefix and the suffix. Understood?"

She's really cute somehow (although she's a smoker, I like her) and often shows my brother how tough she is.
---
"Does it taste good?"
"I'm chewing!! I'm chewing!!! ..... yes."

~Adiós~
Marin
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Numb
Date: Dec 15th, 2006 4:25:03 pm - Subscribe
Mood: ---
Musik: ---

It hurts so much ... realizing that you have no one around you. I scratched over my scars, hoping that they will rip and bleed. And I cried the whole time. The last weeks were full of tears and I can't hold them back so easily anymore. I'm weak, I lost my strength and my play-acting. My mask is just a torn up piece of skin.

I want to bang my head against the wall, numb my feelings, turn everything off. Maybe I become an actress again, if I hurt myself, who knows ... but the pain was always sitting in my head and never left me alone. If the whole situation won't change in the next few weeks, I will have to let the pain out of my body again to feel okay.

Just notice me ...
Or am I such a parasite?

~Adiós~
Marin
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Alone behind my wall
Date: Dec 13th, 2006 3:43:03 pm - Subscribe
Mood: disappointed
Musik: Janus - Anita spielt Cello

There must be something I do completely wrong. And I feel that the time is near, I give up socialising. It's hard enough for me to open my mouth and say something to others, talk to them like EVERYONE WANTS ME TO and then they don't hear me! Why? Damn it, why??
Yesterday I had to ask Lisa FOUR times, before she even noticed that I had talked to her! Today I have waited in front of the classroom to go to chemistry with the others... Andrea, Maria and Rebecca came out and I thought "Hey, that's your chance, do something."
And as I walked with them through the schoolhouse, there was silence, although I asked questions and tried to make a joke... And now I think it will ever be impossible to get friends here. Sure they're nice, but they keep avoiding me and my mother recently told me that my chemistry teacher asked herself why I don't have friends though I seem always nice and friendly.
And currently I think that the love I feel for my friends is only on my side. I remember the time when they came online and talked to me one or two minutes after it. Now it takes hours and the conversations are too short. And I remember how they were happy about my drawings or whatever (now it seems like a matter of course to them) and that they were interested in what I said... Or am I so annoying? I don't know. The only thing I know is that I will always be alone. No matter what I do, it leads to nothing. And so, I give up.

Say what you want. But if someone thinks I'm interesting he will come up to me. But I will never ever try that again.

Thank you.

~Adiós~
Marin
Comments: (1)


La La Love you
Date: Dec 6th, 2006 9:18:13 am - Subscribe
Mood: --
Musik: --

Today, there were a few moments, in which I asked myself: Is anyone on this planet able to love me?
I could give my love to any girl on this planet, it doesn't matter how she looks, how she acts or which "faults" she has. If someone shows me his affection, I answer as good as I can.
But the more time runs forward, I can't get rid of the thought that I'm not a person you could have a crush on. Sure, Annika often tells me "My parents, Moe and you are the most important persons in my life", but ... where is that special someone who can tell me "I love you" and doesn't lie for a change? I was betrayed three times, I gave my virginity to someone who treated me like a toy, because I was so terribly naive. Three knifes, stucked in my heart, sinking deeper and deeper.
But maybe, because of that, I lost the ability to be so nice that anyone could ever love me. And the two girls I'm interested in don't notice that I try to do everything for their well-being.

I'm not really beautiful or intelligent, I could never impress somebody with my body or mind. The only thing that could seperate me from others, is the fact that I care for my friends and would cut up my hand for them, if it would be neccessary. If a friend would be in a very bad mood, I would ask "Want me to visit you this weekend?" and would borrow money from my parents (altough I hate it) to get to him.
I try to do everything for the people I deeply love.
But is there someone, who loves me deeply?

~Adiós~
Marin
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Story of a girl
Date: Dec 5th, 2006 5:52:45 am - Subscribe
Mood: empty
Musik: --

How annoying can people get?
I feel so terribly uncared ... Everybody says I have to talk to others. I did. And no one heard me. I've got a notion they did it on purpose and that I just talked to myself, I mean, how loud do I have to speak before someone ever hears me?
And then, Lisa bitched at me, because in the english lesson I said "Man, our teacher is completely finished! Stop whining, will you?"
Her answer was: "And what do you do? Whining in maths. Shut up, okay?"
Aah.. that stinged.
Primarily, because I do _not_ annoy my maths teacher with "OMG THATS SO UNFAIR STOP IT YOUR METHODS ARE SHIT!" or slander his personality. And secondly, I try to understand maths and ask my teacher everytime I don't get something. This doesn't mean I do understand it after that, but, after all, I make some efforts. They just whine and whine and think everything is unfair and that we should start at "Hello, my name is ... ".

Furthermore, today, I was alone with my ethics teacher a few minutes, before the others arrived at our room. The dialogue was rather... painful.
"You don't socialize with others, do you?"
"What do you mean?"
"You're sitting all alone in your corner here... Don't you think you should go to the others?"
"Why should I sit next to them, when they don't want me to?"
"How do you know?"
"I'm not interesting in their eyes... "
"I don't believe that."
"In four years, there was not a single moment of 'Hey, want to sit next to us?' or 'What do you wanna do later?'. And I'm not the person to go up to them first."
"Why?"
"Why don't just leave it at that?"

And later that lesson, we talked about the Matrix, society and the manipulation of people through media. We talked about losing the sense for reality and fiction. And about Ego-Shooters. He asked us how long we sit in front of our computers every day.
My answer was "Nearly 12 hours." and everybody was shocked (God, I hate the feeling being the one everyone stares at). The others were - ironically - interested if I have a social life then and how I get to know people better. I said "Not at all", swallowing the tears.
It's hard to point it out better, don't you think?
But, again, after the lesson I was totally unimportant. No one came to me and said "Hey, what you said was quite sad. Wanna talk about it/Can we do something?" or anything like that. I was the shadow with the black jacket and the long, dark brown hair, like everyday, nothing of their interest. I took out my pocket and looked at the photographs of my friends. And terribly missed them in that second. I realized how deep I sank in everyday life. Wake up, go to school, come home, sit down in front of the PC 12 hours a day, eat something between, go to sleep. And I remembered the long nights of watching movies, talking about everything, eating pizza or lasagna, gaming and being among friends. I went to a small floor, were no one was and cried quietly until the break was over. After that, nobody even noticed my red, swollen eyes. Are you blind or something?

~Adiós~
Marin

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Music
Date: Dec 1st, 2006 7:01:30 am - Subscribe
Mood: okay
Musik: Janus - Rorschach

Omg.
I laughed my ass off in the music lesson, wtf. Our teacher is ... well ... strange? Has no authority? Is one of the people, who don't hear you, whatever you're asking?
Ahh man. And I don't understand most of the words he's saying and have to ask Steffi or Rebecca. Examples:
"What? Figaros daughter is Don Giovanni...?"
-
"Siegfried and Roy are the heroes of the nibelung? WTF?!"

And so on. I never really have a clue what he's talking about. Also he's shouting very often, due to he gets enthusiastic about the topics we're talking about and because of the fact that people don't take him seriously, they answer. Example:
Teacher: "And his parents were frightened and screamed: Josef!! Did something happen to you?!"
Moritz: "No!! D:"
-
Teacher: "And he was just a few years older than him!!"
Rebecca: "OMG! D:"

And furthermore, Steffi said something in italian (because in the 9th grade, I chose it as an optional subject), namely "tipi buffi", which means something like "funny guy", but it sounds strange and due to I remembered the lesson we had talked about that two years ago, I had to laugh. And laugh. And laugh. Until I cried. That was... scary xD.
Whatever.
Homework.

~Adiós~
Marin

Comments: (1)


Random.
Date: Nov 30th, 2006 2:02:55 pm - Subscribe
Mood: blargh?
Musik: Janus - Rorschach

Ethics is so interesting. I seldom had seen a subject that deals with so many different topics than Ethics does.
And the fact that I sit all alone hurts, because I want to answer questions and discuss with the others, but I don't have the courage, due to sitting alone always makes me feel uncomfortable. And then I stare at my table or my fingers and want to say something, cause I know I have interesting points of view for the others, but... well, I can't.

Hey, no sports today! Wohoo!

~Adiós~
Marin
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Dancing party
Date: Nov 25th, 2006 3:43:39 pm - Subscribe
Mood: exhausted
Musik: -

My classmates smiled at me this evening everytime I passed them.
Rebecca and Maria talked to me quite often. And Moritz and Daniel said I did a great job.
Man, that felt so good, receiving attention.

In the end, Rebecca was even surprised that I left so early, because she thought I would like to dance with somebody.
Oh well ...

~Adiós~
Marin
Comments: (1)


Switching languages!
Date: Nov 24th, 2006 11:25:04 am - Subscribe
Mood: tired
Musik: Janus - Das Gesicht

So, I think I should start to write my entries in english now, since a few artists want to get to know me better and don't speak german at all.
Today, a careers officer was in our class, asked some of us what we wanna do later, told us something about different universities and so on. I'm gonna stick to journalism I think, since it _can_ be a safe job, if you're good. Working as an illustrator is quite difficult, simply because you can't get an employment so easily. There's always someone who's better than you, much better. Being an artist is a neverending way of learning and practicing. Sure, I'm only 18 years old, but my role models are... 22? 27? Something in that range and I keep thinking if I'm going to be just as good as them.
It' ll be my dream forever - working as an illustrator, at best as an freelanced illustrator. Creating artwork which let people freeze with their mouths open. But the main problem is - who's looking for illustrators? Surely none of the companies here in Germany, but in America or Japan. I would've to leave my home, my friends, everything, just to live a part of my dream and I'm not sure if that's worth it.
But thinking about it now is unneccessary, since I'm stick to the idea working as a journalist. At the best, I don't even have to attend to a university. The careers officer said that many employers are especially looking for those who have practical knowledge and not a diploma. But where should I work? Newspapers are boring, reports make me fall asleep. TV doesn't fit to me at all. That's why I will look for something in a ... I don't know ... maybe a games -/computer magazine. Would be way more interesting, for sure. And additionally, I could write my novel and continue drawing and make a bit of money with it.
Dreams are sometimes so real but impossible at the same time. *sigh*

Whatever. The day was rather boring and physics enraged me deeply. My teacher is ... ugh. There is no word describing his fucking personality. He got up to me this morning after the lesson, because before I had understand nothing. And he asked me: "Why aren't you able to calculate such easy arithmetic problems?"
"I don't know how."
"Well, if you had payed attention ... "
"I payed attention. I simply don't understand what you're talking about."
"So, why aren't you learning at home?"
"I do."
"No, you don't. If you would, I could see results."
"That's unfair. I'm a very good student and I'm learning more than enough. I just have my problems with maths and physics. My head is not made for subjects like that. But in the 9th grade I even had a B in physics. You can't tell me I'm lazy! Primarily, because you don't know the backgrounds! Maybe it's your fault, have you thought about that possibility?"

Then I simply ran off. It leads to nothing, arguing with that guy.
Luckily I, again, had a little talk with Rebecca in the music lesson about our teacher and the dancing party tomorrow at school (where I'll be a waitress, haha. I hate dancing). We'll have to work at the same time, from 8:00 pm to 10:00 pm, so we had to discuss a few things. She's a very nice girl ... I'll try to talk to her more often. After all, she built a team with me in the sport lessons a few times. I think we get to know each other better. That really calms down.

Homework now, I guess.

~Adiós~
Marin

Comments: (0)


N'aaargh! and yay!
Date: Nov 17th, 2006 8:45:21 am - Subscribe
Mood: thoughtful
Musik: nothing

Da wir in Mathe gerade ein... sagen wir mittelschweres Thema haben, das nach Schema F durchgeführt wird, habe ich da zurzeit sogar einigermaßen Durchblick, auch wenn ich bei vielen Formelzeichen noch immer nicht weiß, wann warum welches dazustehen hat.
Aber Physik wird von Stunde zu Stunde schlimmer. Nicht nur, dass dieser beschissene, aggressive, verbitterte, angrifflustige "Lehrer" ständig alle provozieren muss, nein, er rattert seinen ganzen Lehrplan runter und hält uns für Maschinen, die das nach höchstens einmal zusätzlich erklären schlucken und verstehen.
Aber ich verstehe es nicht.
Diese ganzen Formeln, Zeile für Zeile hergeleitet und angewendet und ich sitze auf meinem Platz und bete nur, dass er mich nicht aufruft oder gar an die Tafel holt. Wenn man nachfragt (was von Schülern ja erwartet wird), motzt er dich an oder wiederholt sich nur, anstatt einfacher zu werden (was in Mathe auch oft der Fall ist) und er bringt so viele neue Schreibweisen in den Unterricht mit ein, dass ich schon gar nicht mehr weiß, was was ist.

Und jetzt hat auch noch die Schulpsychologin ihren Termin auf den 8. Dezember verschoben, anstatt am 21. November. Klasse. Da habe ich Physik-Schulaufgabe schon geschrieben. Und ich werde an diesem Tag einen Blackout nach dem anderen haben. Die habe ich schlichtweg immer. Kleiner oder größer, wie auch immer, ich werde sie nicht los.

Heute war Besprechung wegen Abschlussball-Bedienung und danach Physik und Musik. Ich muss sagen, dass Rebecca und Andrea (die Klassenbeste, whut.) mir immer sympathischer werden. In Sozi hatte ich heute ein Blatt nicht dabei und Andrea hat mir freundlicherweise ihres gegeben. Später haben wir uns zusammen über unseren Physiklehrer ausgelassen und in Musik über LKs und GKs geredet. War wirklich nett, sind zwei sehr sympathische Mädchen. Ob ich mit ihnen in Berlin in einem Zimmer sein kann, weiß ich noch nicht. Mal sehen, ob sie das überhaupt wollen und wie ich das mit meiner Banknachbarin abklären kann. Schön wäre es jedenfalls.

~Adiós~
Marin
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Back again
Date: Nov 11th, 2006 1:20:31 pm - Subscribe
Mood: okay
Musik: NIN - The hand that feeds

Da ich ja schon länger nicht mehr gebloggt habe, wird es wohl wieder Zeit.
Nun, vom Geburtstagstreffen bin ich wohlbehalten wieder zurück. Und es war wirklich schön. Allein das Gefühl, bei seiner Ankunft erstmal von Si umarmt zu werden und später von Annika und Claudia vor lauter Freude erstmal fast umgerannt zu werden, ist unbeschreiblich. Und zwischendrin bei jeder Gelegenheit auch wieder umarmt zu werden, "Hab dich lieb"s auszutauschen und sich auf dem Bett gammelnd in den Armen zu liegen sowieso. Hach ja. Es gab eine Sache, die mich enttäuscht hat, aber das werd ich hier nicht wieder aufrollen. Die Enttäuschung wird wieder verschwinden, es wird nur etwas dauern, weil sowas immer recht tief sticht.
Es ist blöd, dass ich das Geschenk von Annika und Claudia, das "being loved by"-Shirt nicht anziehen kann, um damit zu prollen, weil es ja leider Winter ist und ich da grundsätzlich nicht ohne Pullover rumrenne. Naja, kann man wohl nichts machen.

Ansonsten kam wohl eine Art kleiner Ausgleich zu den zwei 6ern, nämlich zwei 1er, eine in einer freiwilligen Geschichtsabfrage (ich hab einen Applaus bekommen, weil ich die anderen vor ner Abfrage bewahrt habe) und eine in Musik, da gab es auch nur drei in der Ex. Chemie bekomme ich am Montag raus und ich hoffe senhlichst, dass das auch eine 1 ist, zumindest weiß ich nur von einem Fehler. Und Spanisch war auch super, aber in Sprachen neige ich dazu, viele Leichtsinnsfehler zu machen. Tja.. schlimmer als eine 2 dürfte es jedenfalls nicht werden.

Ich hab scheinbar grad auch beim Bloggen eine Art Schreibsperre, aaah 8D

D'uh.

(und weil ich kein Französisch mehr habe und Spanisch viel schöner klingt)
~Adiós~
Marin
Comments: (1)


Birthday
Date: Oct 27th, 2006 1:19:27 pm - Subscribe
Mood: -
Musik: Jeff Buckley - Hallelujah

Manchmal ist das Leben wirklich unfair.
Ich weiß nicht, was ich verbrochen habe, dass diese Woche so - in einem Wort - beschissen ist. Die zwei Sechser, der Heulkrampf in der Schule, ständig zu hören bekommen, dass ich sowieso nichts richtig mache und jetzt noch die Nachricht von Fo, dass sie nicht zu der geplanten Geburtstagsfeier bei Annika kommen kann, weil sie an diesem Samstag zu einem Projekttag ihrer Schule muss.
Ich weiß auch nicht ... ich fühle mich gerade nur so leer. Warum muss immer etwas schief gehen? Warum gerade mein 18.?
Ich würde auf alle Geschenke verzichten, wenn ich alle drei, Annika, Si und Fo bei mir hätte an diesem Wochenende. Geschenke sind mir so egal ... da kann ich auch drauf sparen. Aber meine Freunde sehe ich so selten...
Naja. Wie auch immer. Ich brauche eine Beschäftigung, schätze ich.

~Au revoir~
Marin
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