martinne91's Blog

Sentiments of loving, letting go and moving on
Date: Dec 29th, 2009 4:43:10 pm - Subscribe
Mood: talkative
music: Craig David - My Love Don't Stop

December 30. I still remember it so well.

The day I accepted him--the best boyfriend I ever had. Well he's the best, as of now, since I haven't found somebody better than him. I don't know if I ever will.

It's been a year already... It's such a shame that we're not together anymore. I missed the sincerity, care and love he had shown and given to me. I missed everything.

I had moved on. I just miss him.

I admit I still love the guy.. The first person I trusted. If you truly love a person that won't be easily forgotten. But I can manage keeping it, even if it would mean caring for him from a distance--even if it would hurt a little to know that the other person won't be able to do the same to you.

But it doesn't hurt too much anymore. If I'd cry, I might just be longing for him, but that doesn't mean I still need him.

To love is different from being in love. You can't resist the latter. You'll want it more. You can leave and ignore everything. And you can't live without the person you're in love with.

Well it's not understandable for heartless people. I may look like one but I'm not. I feel things. I get hurt. I love like other people out there who fall in love.

So I'm not in love with him anymore. I still love and care for him but it's now okay even if he already has somebody else. Loving is also letting go. The hurt of being in love had subsided now.

We're done with each other for four months or more.

I'm ready to be in love with somebody else.

But I still had the nerve to ring his phone, and then my old missing number.

My ex-boyfriend (or maybe there's a different owner already) just dropped a question mark in his message. I didn't take time answering and letting him know it was me. He shouldn't be bothered anymore. I'm just checking if his number is still active. This will be the last time I'd do that.

My old number is active too. It got lost when my wallet was stolen some time ago, probably October. A 21-year-old woman answered my call. She said she was from Payatas. I can't blame her--she probably doesn't know that the sim card was lost with my wallet. But again, I was just checking.

When I lost that sim card, I felt that it must be a sign that I should forget everything, and everyone who knows that number. My ex, the last fling I had (since I wasted the chance when I saw him), and the other guys I met (using that number) who didn't care--all of them, I should forget. There's no use trying to contact them again--even remembering them.

I had loved, I had let go, and I had moved on. I'll forget more of the other useless things as time passes. I'll guarantee that next year I'm better off without them.
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Pure nonsense. Take it or leave it.
Date: Dec 29th, 2009 1:48:52 am - Subscribe
Mood: lost
music: Mariah Carey - Stay The Night

I'm not in the mood to babble a lot.

But I am, to say that I got hooked.

It's more acceptable for me to say it that way. It's either I was denying it to myself or I'm acting like a coward again.

If you can't get my point, it's okay. I can't get it myself either. What a pain.

And I'd rather blog it the way that you might not have a clue about every word I say.

I really want to try. But what guarantee do I have?

Really don't know what to do.

I'm not sure if that thing feels the same way.

(Replace the "thing" with whatever you wanted, we all know I'm talking nonsense if I literally mean it.)

Until I'm not sure, I want to pretend that I don't feel anything. Might as well pretend that I'm not spending time thinking.

I might be crazy if I don't admit that the feeling is potentially sweet (bittersweet LOL) but I really am not sure if I can handle the sting it might be hiding.

Get it?

If you do, it's either you're the cleverest of the dumbest to decipher my nonsense, or you know me too well.

If you don't, just ignore it. I'm still having a fever, so I might be just out of my mind. LOL
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Disappointments.
Date: Dec 28th, 2009 7:36:57 am - Subscribe
Mood: appalled
music: 112 - Cupid

Darn computer, I can't use mIRC. Now I ended up looking for other chat clients I can use.

I remember Trillian--that's the first chat client I used. That was the best--I can log in to my Yahoo! accounts and at the same time connect to IRC. It also supports AOL, ICQ & MSN.

I think I have an installer in my backup CDs, but I'd rather look around the net for a download.

I'm viewing the page right now and I think it has supported more than what I mentioned above. The bad news is that I'm having a bad feeling that the software's got lotsa space to eat up.

Another disappointment--myself. Damn!

First, I still have a cold, and now I'm starting to have a fever. What the hell is going on? I might wanna dissect my body and examine my anatomy--which isn't possible anymore when I DID cut myself. LOL

Second, I'm starting to have feelings which I'm not sure about.

It's the feeling of being dependent with somebody. I'm not quite sure if I should look for someone.

Maybe I'm fal--no. Nevermind. I don't want to get to that thought. I don't have the right. LOL

I'm scared of being emotionally dependent. I'm afraid they'll leave soon when they finally got you.

Take my relationship with my ex-bf as an example. I still remember the night he rejected me when I'm trying to go back to him. Well that was my fault. I was too late. I never realized that he was still waiting few weeks after the breakup and that he finally moved on later.

So now I'm scared to make the same mistake--coz that one was my mistake too, I was so frustrated that I made a wrong decision. Yes, I'm still regressing, but I've got no other choice, do I?

I'm fal--no--starting to look for somebody, and I'm afraid the feeling might be worse (or maybe better?) this time. I mean, if I get hurt again, it may be a lot of times worse than that.

I'd sure love to keep this feeling, but at the same time it scared me. What a dilemma. I wonder why I can't decide (properly ) again. What sort of thing have this person got for me?

Leaving and ignoring is an option...

And I'm so damn mad at myself because I don't want to. Waaaaaaah! D-x

What the hell is going on with me?

Hope it's just the fever.

I'll be back later.
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I can't think...
Date: Dec 27th, 2009 8:14:10 am - Subscribe
Mood: suspicious
music: Mariah Carey - Butterfly

Because my stomach aches.

I mean, not necessarily ache, but it feels like I got lots of acid down there. I also feel like throwing up.

I don't know, maybe because I slept without dinner? I always ate stuff before I sleep, which caused me to sleep at later hours, say, like 11pm. I slept at around 10pm and I didn't have any dinner. So maybe that's what caused it.

I also slept while waiting for someone's message to drop in my mobile phone. But it seems like I was forgotten already. Lol. What else would I expect?

I don't know if this s/he's busy, but I tried to delete the number. Just to keep myself away from compulsion.

I know don't have the right to complain (I know, that's why I did that stuff).

So.. Any other people out there who wants to make me a bit gullible (again)?

This is insane. I'm getting my guard up again for now. That's all for that stuff.

I might be thinking too much that I suddenly wondered if I lost weight that much.

My granny used to keep the old shirts I used outdoors. I used them way back when I was in high school, so probably I'm 12-15 years old during those times.

The last time I tried them on, they didn't fit anymore.

And then when I tried it again a while ago, it did. What?? O_o

So does that mean I'm fat during my late high school days? And that I've lost weight now?

I used to think a lot. My mind's like a clock ticking endlessly, trying to make decisions and sometimes remembering some things I shouldn't have.

I guarantee you'll lose weight that way. Slow but effective. Lol.

I'm kinda serious with that. =p

Anyway I'm looking for another blog host. I can't customize my blog. Sure, it allows you to tweak the HTML, CSS, everything. But there's a code I can't understand, so when I tried to use one of my layouts here, it messed up.

I wonder if I can get a host like that with a good name. Other domain names suck. Lol

Anyway I'm not in a good mood even if I managed to blog (no draft this time).

Gotta grab something to eat before I sleep again.. Later.
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Crazy Stuff 101
Date: Dec 26th, 2009 7:17:01 am - Subscribe
Mood: amazed
music: 112 & Ludacris - Hot and Wet

My cold is getting worse. I'm blowing my nose off every other time I feel it's clogged but the efforts are just useless. I hope it would go away soon. (I'm not the type to get sick often, so I guess I'll be relieved soon.)

I remember my grandmother joking around about colds. You might remember this ole Filipino joke (maybe not, I'm not sure) about how the mucous or phlegm would look like condensed milk.

So for people who doesn't know that stuff (coz I dunno if there are some in other countries), condensed milk is some sweet sticky stuff Filipinos love to use--from various kinds of desserts to just plain bread spread (yeah, we do that here).

So I was in the room with my granny and aunt (what a girls-dorm-scenario we have, lol), eating coconut shreds with condensed milk.

Coconut shreds usually come with fruit cocktail and can be made as a salad, but for people like me who can't wait (or maybe that's just me), we eat it even without the fruits. As for me, that's okay--way better.

One time I felt my nose was so clogged that I stopped eating and blew my nose hard to expel mucous, when suddenly my granny suggested substituting my nose-goo for condensed milk because I consume too much of it (I'm always the only one using it because the others can't use it.. Why? Coz when they check the can it's already empty. Lol)

Something you might wanna know about me anyway: my sweet tooth always drive me crazy. Sometimes I experiment with some food by adding sweet stuff like condensed milk, sugar, or powdered milk (honey won't count. I don't mix it with other foods). My aunt even told me that when I was a toddler (I think I remember things when I was 4, but this one is earlier, I think), I started coating some fried unripe bananas ("saba" in Filipino) with powdered milk.

I wasn't quite a trend-setter here, but when I did that maybe I became one at the moment (even if I was just a toddler? Lol) because my aunt and younger sister did whenever grandma fried some unripe bananas. Maybe I'd like to be a pastry chef too ^_^

I know, I know, I do a lot of crazy stuff. Lol.

And I think it's a little crazy to take lots of drugs (hey, I'm not an addict, okay? Just a little, but that's for other stuff). I understand doctors would recommend taking two or more kinds of drugs at the same time, but it seems like taking only two kinds are too much for me to take lately.

Since I have a cold I'm taking phenylephrine-paracetamol (I'd prefer the generic term. It was Neozep). But few weeks ago I started my first pack of oral contraceptive pills (better play safe than play miserable) which I take once a day. I don't know if it's the effect of the pills or because I'm taking more meds than I can but I start to feel dizzy even if I just woke up. But that happened twice or thrice before even if I'm not taking the meds yet. Maybe I was just feeling weak because I'm more of a couch potato (and probably the only exercise I do is to make out--I'm serious! LOL).

Can anybody tell me what "couch turkey" meant? Is it the same as that one? Thanks

Speaking of more crazy stuff...

Remember Mau from the past entries? Well she had grown lately. Not bigger anyway, she just kinda stretched. She barely had a tail before--yes, when we found her she had no tail--but now it had been growing for some time. We always kept her in a cage so when we let her out she's always running around like crazy that me and my younger sister found it hard sometimes to catch her.

I haven't mentioned that another one of my aunts brought home a cute puppy this past November. My cousins (her sons) started to call the puppy "Babes"--the pup is female--because she was kinda fat that her body looked like the famous "Babe" from the movies. You know, the fat body, the big (perky) ears and slightly curled tail.

The crazy stuff I did? I put them together and let them play. Lol x-D

I did try to get the cat close to Babes' face before, but since that was the first time, my little adorable (and SPOILED) furball put her paws on the pup's face and...

Scratch. Lol. Fail? What'd you expect?

Not the harsh scratch mad cats do, though. So Babes didn't cry or let out a whelp or anything. She just got scared--at first.

So a while ago I tried to pick them both and I hurried to a closed vacant spot in the house where I freed them. Suddenly Mau started running after Babes, then they're putting paws on each other's faces but there seems to be no mad scratch (or slap. Just kidding) intended.

Too bad I'm not too good at filming--I could have had some shots of that just for them. It was a pleasant sight. I'm quite surprised with the puppy because most of our old ugly dogs are normal--they hate cats.

I remember we had an old brown dog who loves to kill kittens. He looked gorgeous for me, despite the small size. He looked like a smaller Belgian Malinois because of the dark nose, brush-like tail and the way his reddish-brown and black color blend together in the tail. I only wished he would be bigger. x-D

I think I'd like to train this good puppy to get used with the spoiled furball. Lol.

That's all that had happened yesterday. I only posted it today because I'm surfing free off-peak hours in the internet. Yeah, I'm still on prepaid. It's still okay for me, although I got used to the uber-fast connection of DSL outdoors (in most internet cafes).

See there? Nothing eases my stress but cats and sweets. ^_^
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