it always catches me off guard...
Date: May 22nd, 2010 4:57:20 pm - Subscribe
Mood: longing

my emotions that is.
you would think that considering the fact that i've been crying on a pretty regular basis (or at least more often than most humans) since about 7th grade i would be used the lack of breath, the heart beat skip, the feeling of tears slowly rolling down my cheeks, and the inability to focus on anything else or move past the emotion that has so quickly grabbed all of me.

i have come to learn that if i sit for long enough and allow my body and soul to feel through those tears and into the very core of where the emotion comes from i usually learn something about myself.

sometimes i'll write the tears and passionate emotions off as me being tired, or being female, or being stressed and ready to explode. but today these tears, these emotions cannot be written off by any of the above.

i finished my second of three weeks in my first grade elementary field experience. it's been a bit crazy and i'm thankful for the weekend! i have completed 3 of my 5 lesson plans for next week and am half way on the 4th, but i decided i deserved a break from planning for a bit.

i have a friend Rhyan (whose story you can read about here who i met last summer while i was in Haiti. She is a beautiful lady and who has a heart for Haiti that cannot be described. She has allowed our amazing God to capture her and create in her this unmeasureable amount of love for Haiti and the babies at GLA. She is there right now and i have been following her most recent trip at the above linked blog. from her blog i have read numerous other peoples' stories of adoption and the journey they have gone through to bring their children home from Haiti.

these stories capture my heart everytime i read a new one. there was one today as i was purusing through Rhyan's links that cause the tears i wrote of. i have never (and probably never will) met this lady, but i like her. in her pain and honesty she has connected to my heart. she knows what i feel and i can only imagine what she's going through.

You can read her story here ( but i want to copy the part of the blog that spoke to me; that made me feel semi-normal and yet caused deep emotion and tears:

[she's writing a letter to the baby they are in the process of adopting. she tells a little bit about her husband and two daughters, then ends with this]

"And then there is me, your mom: I've dreamed about you since I was 13. I got a Bitty Baby American Doll at that age who had dark skin and God laid it on my heart at that moment that one day, I would have a child who looked like that. I can't wait. Each day, I wake up and wonder if today will be the day.

Hope you enjoyed getting to know us a bit more. I love you little one and look forward to the day someone places you in my arms. We'll be waiting."

my heart gasped. it screamed "'re not alone. you are not the only girl who is dreaming of the day you bring a beautiful brown skinned child home." somedays i wonder if it really will ever happen. will i marry someone who is willing to put that amount of money (think 30 to 40 thousand) into a baby when we could "just make our own". will i ever be able to explain the hole that has been in my heart since they day i left Haiti for a baby that won't be filled by any of my own biological children? am i strong enough to stand up against the looks i may get from people when i'm pale white and my little baby is very dark? will i have the patience to wait until God's ready? will i be okay if His answer is no?

i cannot answer any of those questions. i would love to write to you (whoever you are that occasionally read this!) and tell you i have the love for Haiti that Rhyan (and SO many of the other wonderful people I worked with last summer) has. but i don't think i do. in truth i don't feel connected to the country. i feel connected to my babies and i feel connected to a little one whom i've yet to meet but and holding so tightly to the hope that one day i'll return again to bring that little one home forever.

i have two friends who are joining me in hopefully returning for a month or so again next summer. i am excited about that possibility. i want to know what God really has planned for me. i want to go and find out for sure if i love this country or just the people. is my heart yearning for a whole country or just a baby? but i'm terrified of leaving. i know the pain, the amount of tears, the sickness, the loneliness, the unknowns, the questions that never get answered....

i've said it before and it's very real to me tonight. i don't know why i was blessed with the chance to go to Haiti; and given the opportunity i'll go again. but i don't know why my heart is connected...i look forward to the day when i can hold my baby and look into his eyes and tell him that i was there; i walked the halls he grew up in; i saw the cribs he slept in; i met the nannies who cared for him; i walked the streets he was born in.....i pray that's how this story ends....

so at the core and deepest part of these emotions tonight comes a simple truth:

Dear Baby,

You are probably not yet born. You are probably not even thought of yet. God knows you. He has an amazing story written for you. I cannot wait until I get to be a part of that story. I hope you never doubt that fact that I have and always will love you.


You're the God of this city
You're the king of these people
There is no one like our God
Greater things have yet to come
Greater things have yet to be done in this city

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one year....
Date: May 3rd, 2010 5:29:05 pm - Subscribe
Mood: emotional

today is may 3 2010.
one year ago it was may 3 2009.
i fell down a flight of stairs 7 days before i was leaving for Haiti.

wait a minute....did i say 7 days before i was leaving for Haiti?? that was a year ago already??????

how can that be?? it's certainly not possible that it's been a year since i said goodbye to my boyfriend, my siblings, my grandparents, my friends, and lastly my parents. i remember so vividly being in Harrisburg Airport....would you like me to remember for you? (this...this very clear picture is why it can't possibly be a year since it's happened...)

may 10 2009
mid afternoon

dad's driving; mom's passenger seat, i'm in the back of my CR-V. i have my camera beside me; two luggage bags in the back and a backpack at my feet that was way too heavy!

dad parks the car. "you sure you wanna go?" me...well i can't turn back now!

we walk into the airport...he rolls my bags for me. i check in...first time by myself...i did it! checked my bags....i'll get them in Miami....

we go to the restrooms...then head upstairs...we sit on the white whicker rocking chairs right before the security scan place. i look at the people going through...

mom asks me if i want to go or if we should wait a while. once i'm through i can't go back. that's it. i'm on my own. me & God and 24 hours until i get where i'm going.

i start to cry....fear...excitement....impact of realizing what i was getting ready to do....understanding why so many people looked at me like i was crazy....i was...understanding that if i said yes, i'll go now that in that moment i'd say goodbye to what i've always known and felt.

so i did. i cried...i think God cried. He cried for different reasons than the three of us did. but we all cried and felt and moved on.

i put my backpack, my sneakers, my watch, and my camera on the x-ray table...then i walked through the detector...this was what went through my mind

"put your shoes on. put your backpack on. put the camera over your shoulder. turn around, don't cry, put the biggest smile on your face and wave to your parents. they have to know that you are okay and this is what you want to do. even if you don't know."

so i did it. i waved with the biggest smile i could find (you'll have to ask them if i was convincing or not) then i found my gate and i sat down in the end seat and looked out over the tarmack and waited for my plane.

that's where the vivid memory ends. don't get me wrong i remember specific moments very vividly from the whole month...but a sequence that was that long, nope....nothing else. i remember my babies and moments i've had with them and the general feelings i felt. i remember being sick ( don't want to read that story!)

i cannot comprehend how that was 7 days from being a year ago. my heart does not feel like it was a year ago. my head remembers things so specifically that it couldn't have happened 365 days ago. my dream can't be a year old already.

but here it year later. my heart is forever changed. my dream is continuing to change. i am praying to go back (with laura & hopefully kari) next year...maybe one year from 7 days from now....4 weeks .... 6 weeks... 8 weeks? i don't know. that's yet to be determined. i want to go once more...i'm hoping it's what God wants.

so maybe in one year i'll be writing you (my semi-faithful readers!) from "the night before..." when i will be going back. but i'm so scared of what that means....

but that's for a different blog on a different day when my heart is in a different place.

one you realize how much can change in one year?
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the current status....
Date: Apr 18th, 2010 6:27:40 am - Subscribe
Mood: content

i am still fully amazed at how God works. i do not understand it most of the time, and right now i'm okay trusting in the fact that he does understand and knows what he's doing.

i have a video [that hopefully will be at the bottom of this post] to show to you. i am completing my last two general education classes this semester; one of them is an introduction to music. as our final project, we were to create or do something that invovled music. this is my project. i took my favorite photographs [well, as many as i could!] and some video clips [which i FINALLY got onto my computer!] and put it to some of the songs we listened to frequently on the balcony! the quality didn't end up being the best when i uploaded it to youtube, but it looks better on my computer! i apologize for this; i'm pretty new at this whole concept.

ok, so now you know the purpose behind starting this post; but i thought since maybe a lot of you would be opening my blog to see the video, i should give you an update.

i tried to squeeze a trip back to Haiti in during this coming summer; but honestly, i was trying WAY to hard for it to be what God wanted. so i stopped trying to rearrange schedules and find an opening of four weeks; when i did...there was peace. so i've pushed it back a year. currently, i am hoping to be able to spend 4 ot 6 weeks at GLA next summer (2011). i will graduate with a bachelor's degree on May 7th...and it sounds wonderful to run away from this world for a while!! but we'll see. i'm trusting God to continue to lead my heart there if that's what he truly wants! and if not, well babies i have never held are being prayed for often!!

after the earthquake, most and then eventually all, of GLA's children were with their forever families to finish the adoption process! how awesome is that! when i left haiti in June 2009, i was leaving with the knowledge i would never know. i'd never know if or when or where my babies went too. again...God's doing his thing...and blessed me well beyond what i deserved.

i knew Baby L and Baby S were coming to the States. i knew Baby H and Baby M (twins) were going to the Netherlands. i knew Baby D was going to France. Baby JR, Baby Wa, and Baby Wi did not have families when I was there....they were still in the beginning process stage!

Baby H & Baby M's adoptive mom found me on facebook and posts updated pictures of them once in a while for me to see!!! they are beautiful, big, and SO happy! Baby L and Baby S were on the plane that brought 81 GLA babies into the States....i saw them on the news being held by their parents happy.gif i was notified via facebook message that Baby D was far enough along that he was able to go to France to be with his mom! and just about 2 weeks ago i was perusing facebook photos and came across a photograph of Baby Wa....being taken to the Netherlands!

All that remains unknown is where Baby JR and Baby Wi went. i know they are home, and that is enough. but i'm kind of excited to see how God shows me...i feel like he's provided these things to me to help me continue on. i trusted him to take care of them, and he did. and he showed me how!

my hearts desire has turned more from being at GLA playing on the balcony all the praying for the one baby that i hope to bring home someday. i can't rationalize in my head bringing into this world four children that are all biologically mine. there are so many many babies who need homes. i hope i can decrease that number by one or two. beware...a mixed family christmas card just may arrive in your mailbox someday! i can't wait for that day...obviously i am, but i think that's what has kept me going. hoping to one day return [if only for a few days!] to bring home my own baby happy.gif

so, enough rambling and catching you up on my thoughts! enjoy the video happy.gif seems as though youtube is being a bit if you open this link and let the video load, you should be able to view it!
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and so, the countdown begins...
Date: Feb 18th, 2010 8:11:30 pm - Subscribe
Mood: longing.....

i decided last night, around 11:30pm, that i was going to start to count. this is what i wrote in my journal.....

february 17
today is day 1. i decided that i am going to count the days until i hold a piece of Haiti again. i don't know what that looks like...maybe meeting a child here, maybe going back to GLA, maybe holding my own child. no matter what comes first, i'm going to know how many days i waited and hoped and prayed until i got to hold a piece of Haiti again.

and then i wrote this prayer.....

you are mighty and loving and in control of this crazy life i am in. i lift up Haiti. i pray you would protect your people and your precious children. if it would be your will, i pray that i may one day return and bring home the baby you have created for my husband and i to love and raise. you know the date, and i will count them until your will is done. prepare my husband to be open and willing and able to love this Haiti baby. continue to hold my heart, mold it, and create me to be the mommy this baby will need.
in your hands,

first off, in case anyone does actually read this, i am not married, nor am i engaged, nor do i anticipate either occuring soon. someday yes, but not right now.

but it will be crucial for the man i marry to understand the desire that half of my heart needs to hold a brown baby for the rest of my life.

each day i feel something different about Haiti. i want more of it, but not in the same way as i once had it. i want it forever. i want a baby. and anyone who knows me would quickly confirm that i have said "i want to be married and i want babies" for YEARS (think over 6 years....) but it has now become specific...

i want a baby... infant/young toddler....
....a boy.......
.....from God's Littlest Angels...
.......from Haiti.....

so that's what i am counting too....i left the page beside my journal entry blank...and i will tally, everyday until God's brings my baby to me happy.gif my hope is that someday i will be able to hug my baby and say "mommy prayed for you and hoped for you and longed to hold you for ???? you know how long that is? it's a LONG time"

my heart is not complete. i don't feel fully happy, and my face shows it. my family has begun saying "i want to see the smile you had in those photos [from Haiti]" and i wish so badly i could do it....but some days, that smile was only there because i was holding one of those babies....and without those babies, my heart feels incomplete.

so tonight, i looked at my book, and i brushed my hand over the photographs hoping i could feel them again....and then i cried.....

and then i started writing....
and now i will go to sleep...and start tomorrow the same as i did today....praying for a baby who may not even be born yet <3

but baby, this girl is gonna love you until the day she dies....and she's counting the days until she can call you hers, and hold you every night <3
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greater things...
Date: Feb 3rd, 2010 7:46:33 pm - Subscribe
Mood: trusting

there is a song. i heard first at a college conference. then on a beautiful balcony in haiti. then on a friend's blog.

[Verse 1]
You're the God of this City
You're the King of these people
You're the Lord of this nation
You are

[Verse 2]
You're the Light in this darkness
You're the Hope to the hopeless
You're the Peace to the restless
You are

There is no one like our God
There is no one like our God

For greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this City
Greater thing have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this City

[Verse 1]

[Verse 2]

There is no one like our God
There is no one like our God

For greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this City
Greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done here

There is no one like our god
There is no one like our God

Greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this City
Greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done here

"God of This City" by Chris Tomlin

Now...go back and re-read those lyrics.

And do it again. This time, picture Haiti. Picture those beautiful people; those precious children; the shattered lives and the crumbled houses.

Then you will feel what my heart is feeling. I look in my checking account and see very little money. I pray for a large paycheck just so I can put some into the GLA earthquake account. I feel frustration because I'm reading a friends blog who flew to Haiti with 2 hours notice and am frustrated that I could not do the same.

but my heart is no where near ready to see Haiti as it is right now. so here, in edinboro PA (with all of it's snow!) i will stay. i will stay and pray and plead for these people.

i know very little about governments or adoptions or legal issues or UNICEF or any other organization. I know some about GLA...but I know a lot about LOVE. and right now, Haiti needs love. the best I can give them is prayer and encouragement to the people who are there.

but is there something more YOU could do? two of us praying is better than just me!

What if that song forshadowed what is coming for Haiti



why? cause there is NO ONE LIKE OUR GOD!

Dixie wrote in her blog today that she has exhausted all of her humanly means to get UNICEF to let the babies come to GLA and she has simply put it with God and is trusting Him.

I must do the same! Trust Him to provide wood, shelter and love for those children. To make a smooth path for the children who went home last week. And to deliever GREATER THINGS to Haiti!

There certainly is no one like Him.....
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