it always catches me off guard...
Date: May 22nd, 2010 4:57:20 pm - Subscribe
Mood: longing


my emotions that is.
you would think that considering the fact that i've been crying on a pretty regular basis (or at least more often than most humans) since about 7th grade i would be used the lack of breath, the heart beat skip, the feeling of tears slowly rolling down my cheeks, and the inability to focus on anything else or move past the emotion that has so quickly grabbed all of me.

i have come to learn that if i sit for long enough and allow my body and soul to feel through those tears and into the very core of where the emotion comes from i usually learn something about myself.

sometimes i'll write the tears and passionate emotions off as me being tired, or being female, or being stressed and ready to explode. but today these tears, these emotions cannot be written off by any of the above.

i finished my second of three weeks in my first grade elementary field experience. it's been a bit crazy and i'm thankful for the weekend! i have completed 3 of my 5 lesson plans for next week and am half way on the 4th, but i decided i deserved a break from planning for a bit.

i have a friend Rhyan (whose story you can read about here http://www.becausehecalled.blogspot.com/) who i met last summer while i was in Haiti. She is a beautiful lady and who has a heart for Haiti that cannot be described. She has allowed our amazing God to capture her and create in her this unmeasureable amount of love for Haiti and the babies at GLA. She is there right now and i have been following her most recent trip at the above linked blog. from her blog i have read numerous other peoples' stories of adoption and the journey they have gone through to bring their children home from Haiti.

these stories capture my heart everytime i read a new one. there was one today as i was purusing through Rhyan's links that cause the tears i wrote of. i have never (and probably never will) met this lady, but i like her. in her pain and honesty she has connected to my heart. she knows what i feel and i can only imagine what she's going through.

You can read her story here ( http://onourhearts.blogspot.com/2010/05/today-im-ok.html) but i want to copy the part of the blog that spoke to me; that made me feel semi-normal and yet caused deep emotion and tears:

[she's writing a letter to the baby they are in the process of adopting. she tells a little bit about her husband and two daughters, then ends with this]

"And then there is me, your mom: I've dreamed about you since I was 13. I got a Bitty Baby American Doll at that age who had dark skin and God laid it on my heart at that moment that one day, I would have a child who looked like that. I can't wait. Each day, I wake up and wonder if today will be the day.

Hope you enjoyed getting to know us a bit more. I love you little one and look forward to the day someone places you in my arms. We'll be waiting."

my heart gasped. it screamed "see...you're not alone. you are not the only girl who is dreaming of the day you bring a beautiful brown skinned child home." somedays i wonder if it really will ever happen. will i marry someone who is willing to put that amount of money (think 30 to 40 thousand) into a baby when we could "just make our own". will i ever be able to explain the hole that has been in my heart since they day i left Haiti for a baby that won't be filled by any of my own biological children? am i strong enough to stand up against the looks i may get from people when i'm pale white and my little baby is very dark? will i have the patience to wait until God's ready? will i be okay if His answer is no?

i cannot answer any of those questions. i would love to write to you (whoever you are that occasionally read this!) and tell you i have the love for Haiti that Rhyan (and SO many of the other wonderful people I worked with last summer) has. but i don't think i do. in truth i don't feel connected to the country. i feel connected to my babies and i feel connected to a little one whom i've yet to meet but and holding so tightly to the hope that one day i'll return again to bring that little one home forever.

i have two friends who are joining me in hopefully returning for a month or so again next summer. i am excited about that possibility. i want to know what God really has planned for me. i want to go and find out for sure if i love this country or just the people. is my heart yearning for a whole country or just a baby? but i'm terrified of leaving. i know the pain, the amount of tears, the sickness, the loneliness, the unknowns, the questions that never get answered....

i've said it before and it's very real to me tonight. i don't know why i was blessed with the chance to go to Haiti; and given the opportunity i'll go again. but i don't know why my heart is connected...i look forward to the day when i can hold my baby and look into his eyes and tell him that i was there; i walked the halls he grew up in; i saw the cribs he slept in; i met the nannies who cared for him; i walked the streets he was born in.....i pray that's how this story ends....

so at the core and deepest part of these emotions tonight comes a simple truth:

Dear Baby,

You are probably not yet born. You are probably not even thought of yet. God knows you. He has an amazing story written for you. I cannot wait until I get to be a part of that story. I hope you never doubt that fact that I have and always will love you.

Love,
Me


You're the God of this city
You're the king of these people
There is no one like our God
Greater things have yet to come
Greater things have yet to be done in this city

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