abandoning
[blasted on] Jan 17th, 2007 6:27:12 am - Subscribe
[I am] bleh


there... i dun know how but i somehow felt that he and my bro knows bout my other blog. uhuh to prevent anything to leak out to my bro... i guess i'll be abandoning this blog as well. for temporary i guess. the others are soon to be changed.
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disappointed? or annoyed?
[blasted on] Jan 17th, 2007 12:10:54 am - Subscribe
[I am] happy but sad


i went out with him yesterday. yes i had a great day. somehow, he always managed to cheer me up. but sometimes... what he feels and thinks will bring me down. nah he didnt say them out. i can feel it.

now. why didnt i let him? first. its in the cinema and... there are people you know? and... i gotto just admit i dont feel comfortable there. not the seats. not him. just... uncomfortable with the place if he's gonna take action. thats all. what action? heheh he knows, i knows. and i'll like it that way.

second. i... guess im just not ready yet? something's just pulling me back. my self-control? maybe. i have heck lotsa it man. and i dont know... each time he was about to touch me, i can't help but to replay my mom's warning. yeah she warn me pretty much nowadays. cause, she's been a teen once. and yeah she knew i was going out on a date with him. so... i just pulled back.

third. wait. there aint no third.

i know i promised. i wouldnt wanna break it as well. and no doubt i like it. i've even asked myself is it too early. heh. still no answer.

what am i to do? i know i avoided it. i know i ignored it. i know. but i just dunno how to tell. that time. how am i to tell?? i dun even know how to start. yeah i disappointed him. no doubt about that. but what can i do? heh. no idea.

is it too early? i... dunno.

and one thing is... not all guys can be trusted. i dont know about him. i cant say i know him pretty well. heheh there are girls who said that and ended up crying. so like my mom say, pull back a little altho you really do like him. precaution is better den cure. and like he said, better safe than sorry.

so now... you know why i pulled back? too many things in my mind i dont know where to start.

it might be another excuse but... its up to you to believe it or not. im a girl. any disadvantage its gonna be me. how can i not take any precaution?!

sigh... i love him alot. i really do. just that... there are times i gotto stay firm and be a little selfish.

and there are times where... i really gotto let you down dear. i've got no choice.

sry i implied too much. i really dont know how to start. but dear... i really enjoyed the day.
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dunno anymore
[blasted on] Dec 3rd, 2006 4:23:40 pm - Subscribe
[I am] confused


i... dunno what to do or say anymore. when i say what i wanna say, ask what i wanna ask, shit happens. why is everything so wrong? why?! its hard you know that? to be my true self. to do what i wanna do without affecting others. its so god damn hard.

see... i asked. and d'oh i get an unexpected answer. but when i end the whole convo coldly... because i dont want that topic to continue... as i know i'll be thinking alot and im afraid i cant control myself but to break down... he says i imply. girls imply. but dont he himself realized that... he IS implying at the same time? he aint saying anything. and dont deny it. you DO imply alot too. just that... you dont realized that. accept the fact.

i know im changing. in fact, i changed ALOT. i became more depressed which i dont last time. i became quieter which im alot noisier last time. i... dunno. i just changed. from a happy easy-go-lucky girl into some shit i dont even recognize. i want so badly to bring my old self again into life. life is so much brighter and funnier. and i was more carefree than now. what happened to me? my oh my... who or what changed me? im pretty quite sure its not SPM as... in the matter of fact, they never did affect me at all. emotionally or physically. its just that... something IS bothering me. and i... dont know what it is. how... great.

taylor swift songs had once affect me alot. especially Teardrops on My Guitar. i love that song. play it and i can sing the whole damn song for you. and now... I.N.G.'s song is beginning to affect me too. i dunno. i just love all of their songs. they rox man.

now... wanna know what im jealous of? you sing to others but never ever to me. maybe you're scared of embarrassing yourself but im sure you will feel the same if i do that, right? you allow others to take your pic but not me. yeah you said its weird. weirder with your phone. maybe it is. i dont know. lets skip this. another thing... you... in some way, never allows me into your world. you block me out too, sometimes. but i never complain. and i never shed a word about it. cause... it definitely hurts but... i still care alot for you. i let myself get hurt. but im even hurt to see you hurt. or sad. or unhappy. get it?

and sometimes, i have the feeling im bringing all those stupid misery to you. i felt as though... im a burden to you. get it? thats why sometimes i would waste my time thinking am i the one for you. or is she a better girl you deserve. i know its wrong. but you cant deny you still like her. and that... hurts >.< you do know the feeling when a person you love, likes another person dont you? this just sucks. maybe im a bad girlfriend. maybe... im just not ready to accept the fact. cause sometimes facts hurts. alot. ouchies...

you dont commit. that is one i cant say i dont mind. of course i mind. damn you are a person i love alot. how can i not mind when you sometimes dont even bother come finding for me?!?!

i... dunno. i guess i just expect too much. hope too much. and fell too hard. im numb now. seriously. and... guess im too selfish. sorry.
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bleh...
[blasted on] Nov 23rd, 2006 9:32:14 am - Subscribe
[I am] screwed.


know what's funny? i know its nothing. i know its something normal. or maybe not. who cares. i just kept telling myself nothing is wrong. but what does that brings me to? jealousy again. damnit i really hate that feeling ya know? i dont know what to think anymore. i dont know what to feel anymore. im just clueless...

i know i shouldnt be. i know it perfectly clear... is that a girlfriend syndrom?? heck i seriously hate it. i just want back my normal life... with NO jealousy around ANY corner.

he thinks im fine now. they thinks the same way as he does too. honestly, im just too good at hiding things. i just dont want anybody to worry about me for now. its SPM man... c'mon.. concentrate on the book. not me.

but at the same time i want some attention too... not anybody. but from the person whom i really care for. what should i do? i dont wanna pull his mood further down. he's had enough. aih... im all back to clueless again... im back at one...

i talked to my godbrother about it. he told me to tell him. and how am i gonna do that?!?! no thankz... i want NO more disasters... but i did plan to clear things off with him after spm. and guess what? im kinda having the feeling that our relationship will not last for long. dont ask me why. thats just my another senses. my love for him is going stronger. i guess thats why im feeling so god damn busted.

he wrote... he might.. correction.. he would have run away from anything without telling anybody if he could right now. you know what??? that sentence really caught me. its like... ouchies... it hurts a lot. it has something to do with me. definitely.

now i'm starting to wonder... did i bring those miserable feelings to him? did i made him feel so fucked? i dont know. i dont know anymore. i guess i cared too much.

lets just see how things work out when i talk to him about that after the spm. if things have to get from bad to worst... i'll just deal with it. its life. there's nth i can do. just... as long as he's happy... im fine.

i still thinks its silly of me getting jealous. you see... she was calling me. we were talking. thats when she received a message from him. and that... is when i started to get all jealous again. wth? cant you just stop playing that in my heart?!?! i guess im just sad knowing he didnt message me. its no big deal of course... but i just cant control. him... msg her for no particular reason. thats what she said. gosh... how i wish i dont know anything at all. it just hurts a lot. so pain... i couldnt take it anymore. its not just that jealousy stuff...

too many things running in and out of my head. if im not mistaken... he still likes her. and thats enough to bother me.

i did talk to my godsister about it. she said... if a guy cant give you all his heart... he's not worth it for me. she said i dont deserve him. i deserved a better man. but... i really do love him you know? letting go of a person you DONT wanna let go is extremely hard. but i guess... if letting go will make him happy... i'll probably will...

im starting to think that she's a better girl for him too you know? that im not the one for him. since he's feeling all depressed and stuff even when he's with me. i can still see the awkwardness we had. the kinda feeling i cant describe. i can also sometimes feel the coldness in him towards me. damn. this is bad.

what else? alot more to go. this is gonna be one freaking long post. so guess i'll shorten it however i can.

i kinda dislike the moment when he tries to avoid my questions. i mean... who doesnt right? but he... does it frequently. and i mean... FREQUENTLY. its like... he doesnt wanna tell me anything at all. besides general stuff where he tells everyone, nope. not at all. but know whats funny? he expects me to tell him everything. yeah i do that too actually. but cant u see im trying to change? im trying to open up and now... u're treating me like this?? gosh.

like he said, even i would love to walk away from everything and leave this whole damn place screwed. how i wish i can. man... i just want to live my life in peace and happy. i just want everyone around me happy. is that too much to ask?? i think i just cared too much for other people. but that makes me ME. i cant change that. so i'll just have to suffer the consequences huh?

thats the problem with most of the guys i know. they love to imply. tho they hate people implying. they expects people to read their mind. when they know we cant. i just hate mind-guessing games. cause... when we CAN read their mind... they hate us for that. how stupid can it be more?!?! they.... practically just wants face. they wont say everything out. they wont tell everything out. omg. whats the problem with you people?!?! is it so hard to say it out??? why must you make us guess? sheesh...

therefore, there are some great guys i know. for instances my godbrother. no im not into him. he's just a great guy. at least he is to me. im not in love with him or anything... its just that... he's one decent guy i've met.

hmm.. i guess i'll stop here. i'll get more emo if i were to write more. i just... am totally confused.
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im dead
[blasted on] Nov 16th, 2006 3:28:28 am - Subscribe
[I am] dead


and when i thought i could hide away from him... his phone suddenly works. as in... no more expired.

when he missed called me, two feelings jumbled up inside of me. happy and worried. happy because he miss called. worried because... im afraid i would not be able to stand to whatever i'm doing now. i really really do care for him. only if he knew. its just that... i dont know. im probably hurting both of us right now. dont even know what am i doing now. i.. seriously have no idea. i cant see anything now. not a single light to lead me out from this darkness.

he smsed. and i guess... i sounded a little too harsh when i sent mine. im sorry... im just... not in a mood.

damnit... must my brother always add in salt and oil everytime when im pissed?? damnit. he just loves to make it worst isnt it?? damnit.

there aint no peace for me now. no space for me. oh gosh... im dead.
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