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seems like my brother is once again angry and mad at me. for what? honestly, i have no idea. i dont remember doing anything wrong. unless if he tells me what i did. in short... i just cant seem to understand guys in my family. they're.... complicated. some says I imply a lot. i say, my family GUYS imply even more. and implication... sucks. he thinks he's smart. he is. no doubt. but not in every sense. he just over done it. he expects me to know whats wrong. what mistakes i did. but to think of it, IF i would to know what i did wrong, wouldn't i be avoiding that mistake? cant you just come right front to me and tell me straight on my face? how am i supposed to know whats running in your complicated piece of mind?!?! and please... don't even get angry at me IF you plan not to tell or correct me. cause i'm not changing until i know whats wrong. i mean... how can i??? thats the problem with guys in my house. ego. and stubborn. guess i just gotto live with it eh? if this is to continue any longer... im afraid i cant take it anymore. see... i've been down lately. and just recently that i tried to pull myself outta that dark spot. i can say i succeed. i made myself realize how silly i was to think so much.. to think of what is unnecessary. to worry bout what might not even happen. conclusion... its just a waste of effort, waste of energy, and waste of precious time. now that i try not to think that much... people around me began to start. mostly my loved ones. my boyfriend... extremely down. he aint telling me anything. and i hope he's NOT in suicidal mood. how i wish i can cherish him up but seems like i cant. know why?? i dont even know a single thing happening to him!! damnit. i tried to be happy even at home. i tried. real hard. but now... my brother is bringing all the sad faces back again. no wonder i cant stand this house any longer. im so tempted to just fly away like those little birds dancing in the sky. i envy them. really. i do. everything changed. even i do. but i dont want to. i was once a carefree child. the one that you'll see smiling all the time whenever and wherever she goes. the one that cheers up people around her. the one that... guess i just turned from the better to worst eh? there's no one i can really talk to. i used to to my mom. but she has lotsa thinkings and worries herself. and some things... mom are just not meant to know. my childhood friend? he's had a girlfriend now that i better should stay away from keep on bothering him. its not a good thing to make other's girlfriend jealous. and frankly speaking, i know how jealousy feels like... and it suck terribly. plus, i wouldnt want him to worry about me either. he's happy with his gf now. better not interrupt. who else? my godbrother? he aint in a good mood now either. so wouldnt i pull him lower if i would to tell him what happened?? conclusion... tell me. who is there for me? my bf? like i say... he's in an extreme down mood now. my current good friend? she's going thru something now. shouldnt be a burden for her. i know i know... thats what friends are for. but as a friend i wouldnt wanna trouble her either. so tell me... who can i really rely on? myself? yeah i guess thats the only one i can really trust and depend on. |
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seems like... he wants a break. and i need to rest. but it aint gonna fell good. i shouldn't have drag myself into this big trouble in the first place. now, im gonna suffer the consequences. cause... i really do care for him. its gonna be hard for me. i hope i'll survive thru this. know what?? my previous guy gave me the same reason he gave. exams. wanna focus and concentrate and stuff. what an excuse. i... learnt my lesson. a BIG one. p.s. thanks for giving me such "lovely" morning. i couldnt thank you more. |
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for once in my lifetime... i felt like a fool. an idiot. i thought you were different from the others. i thought you would never break my heart. how silly am i to think like that. i mean... i want to say that practically all guys are the same. but its not true. it is... somehow. in some way. ego-ness is one of the similarities. i want to hate you. but i cant. the only thing i can think of now is practically just you. worried, at the same time a little angry. wanna be with you tru the bad times... but you wouldnt allow. you kept your heart close so tightly. you once said i kept a brick wall to protect me. seems like its you now. its always been hidden beneath that you dont even allow anyone to see tru it. can you stop thinking so much? i mean... what you think might not be right. and what you do based on your thoughts... might not be the best option nor the best choice. so stop wasting your bloody time thinking and worrying for something that you're not supposed to! you once said you weren't good enough for me. says who? nobody is not good enough for anybody. the only thing i know is... im happy with you. and i want you to be happy as well. look at you now. i had always wonder... does guys always keeps their feelings inside of them tightly and secretly so that nobody knows... but at the same time they expect you to know what are their worries??? hey, you cant expect me to guess whats on your mind. its either you tell, and please... like what you said.. no mind-guessing games ok? im getting real tired of it. sick of it. why cant you just say it out?!?! tell out all your problems! why keep? does it do you any good? does it solve your problems?? no it doesnt. the more you keep, the more you worry. wth?!?! why torture yourself dear... i know i do the same... but im trying very hard to be myself again. to say what i wanna say. to do what i wanna do. all i need is time. is that too much to ask?? since the day i moved into this current house... i've not been really happy before. seriously. besides the few moments with him. it's been so long since i had that smile where kids show on their faces when they were given sweets?? the smile that can almost cover your eyes?? so long... since i had that. excuses... are all he gave. im tired. very... very tired. [meaningless smiles] |
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i just watched that movie few minutes ago. i must say, it IS one nice movie. and... it DOES happens nowadays. its a show about a guy who lied to most of the girls. practically all. in that show. he dates alot of them. he is what they call their "dream guy". but everything is just a lie. so when these girls found out about his "dirty little secret", they plan to break his instead. since theirs have been broken by him. and Kate... a newbie in the school... that claims herself as "invisible", was made into one of the three girls chess to destroy John Tucker's life. Kate... decent and innocent. but was transformed into an evil angel. when she realised it was all wrong, she plan to put a stop on all the evil deeds she did. that's because she felt that... what she had shown the world... was never her at all. its more of a "fake" her. its all a lie. she want to be herself again. she rather be invisible than to cheat herself. and she did. she made John Tucker realise that he shouldn't have lied. she made the three girls realised that what they had done... is all for him. no matter if they're struggling to break him, or struggling to make him theirs, its still all about him. finally, she fixed all the things she've done. return the watch to him. explains and be honest with him. tells the truth. and... be herself again. what did she get? she became a legend. in that show of course. whats the moral of the story? Be Yourself. and... do not ever live in lies. i would never choose to break a person's heart. because... thats all it takes to kill them. not literally but... you get the drift. and... hopefully... i can be what i want to be. an honest person. a person whom I am. my true self. in short... i like that movie =D |
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last time it was him. now... it's me. I am now having the thoughts of breaking up with him. not because i dont love him no more. its just... i felt like a burden to him you know... he's suffocating. and.... im making it worst. i dont know how to tell him. im afraid it will affect his studies in SPM. well, im not even sure if its affecting his now. i... dont know lah. what am i supposed to do?!?! can someone help me out here??? in fact... i guess im getting deeper and deeper into this relationship thingy. and... knowing i'll get hurt easily... and jealous too... i plan to control whatever it is... so i'll not get too deep in. what else can i do?? i cant avoid him. but i cant get closer... he aint letting me. I... aint letting myself either. he likes jan. thats for SURE. yun? maybe maybe not. me? i guess so. but the problem is... i dont know what is he thinking now nor what's in his mind. i dont like to guess them. cant he just tell me straight?? why must he keep everything to himself?? now... what i want him to know is... who he really likes. i mean... no use him being with me when he likes another girl right? this case... loyalty doesnt count. whats the point being loyal when your hearts not there?? so i wanna give both of us a break... time to chill... so that we can think more rasionally. am i doing the right thing? i dunno. im still thinking... argh! does he likes me because im a nice person? or was it that i mislead him? i dont know. seriously. or does he likes me as a friend but he himself has been confusing his mind? err... honestly... no idea. am i making sense??? i still love him. as much as i do last time. in fact... i think more. thats why i need to put a stop. or not i'll drop even harder the next time. i dont wanna get all hooked up in this kinda stuff. but does he? i mean... he's confused himself. i better not elaborate more. i dunno la... what am i doing now man?!?! what am i thinking?!?! am i alright? i hope so. since he aint telling a thing... and i CANT guess a thing... and when i try to tell, but he doesnt wanna listen... it makes this pointless. whatever we're in now. there aint no meaning there you see... i rather we be friends then. we'll be much more open to each other and... much more happier i guess. or maybe its just gonna be all hidden beneath his fake self. he just said it. and i felt nothing. "i miss you". does it even mean a thing now??? i guess im just thinking too much. yeah i DO miss him a lot. no doubts man. but... does he really mean it? maybe. i dont know lah... its just getting more and more complicated. its weird you know. he's been hidding lotsa stuff from me. what stuff? why bother writing here man. and... he's been sounding very cheerful today. and know what? instead of being happy for him... i'm kinda doubting him more and more. it just seems so fake. maybe he's a bad actor. i dont know. my senses just tells me he's NOT alright. prove me wrong man. i know im right. or at least i felt that im right. who cares la... he's just trying to pretend to be someone else to please me... which kinda failed without him knowing. i suck. i know. i really really do. |