bleh...
[blasted on] Nov 23rd, 2006 9:32:14 am - Subscribe
[I am] screwed.
know what's funny? i know its nothing. i know its something normal. or maybe not. who cares. i just kept telling myself nothing is wrong. but what does that brings me to? jealousy again. damnit i really hate that feeling ya know? i dont know what to think anymore. i dont know what to feel anymore. im just clueless...
i know i shouldnt be. i know it perfectly clear... is that a girlfriend syndrom?? heck i seriously hate it. i just want back my normal life... with NO jealousy around ANY corner.
he thinks im fine now. they thinks the same way as he does too. honestly, im just too good at hiding things. i just dont want anybody to worry about me for now. its SPM man... c'mon.. concentrate on the book. not me.
but at the same time i want some attention too... not anybody. but from the person whom i really care for. what should i do? i dont wanna pull his mood further down. he's had enough. aih... im all back to clueless again... im back at one...
i talked to my godbrother about it. he told me to tell him. and how am i gonna do that?!?! no thankz... i want NO more disasters... but i did plan to clear things off with him after spm. and guess what? im kinda having the feeling that our relationship will not last for long. dont ask me why. thats just my another senses. my love for him is going stronger. i guess thats why im feeling so god damn busted.
he wrote... he might.. correction.. he would have run away from anything without telling anybody if he could right now. you know what??? that sentence really caught me. its like... ouchies... it hurts a lot. it has something to do with me. definitely.
now i'm starting to wonder... did i bring those miserable feelings to him? did i made him feel so fucked? i dont know. i dont know anymore. i guess i cared too much.
lets just see how things work out when i talk to him about that after the spm. if things have to get from bad to worst... i'll just deal with it. its life. there's nth i can do. just... as long as he's happy... im fine.
i still thinks its silly of me getting jealous. you see... she was calling me. we were talking. thats when she received a message from him. and that... is when i started to get all jealous again. wth? cant you just stop playing that in my heart?!?! i guess im just sad knowing he didnt message me. its no big deal of course... but i just cant control. him... msg her for no particular reason. thats what she said. gosh... how i wish i dont know anything at all. it just hurts a lot. so pain... i couldnt take it anymore. its not just that jealousy stuff...
too many things running in and out of my head. if im not mistaken... he still likes her. and thats enough to bother me.
i did talk to my godsister about it. she said... if a guy cant give you all his heart... he's not worth it for me. she said i dont deserve him. i deserved a better man. but... i really do love him you know? letting go of a person you DONT wanna let go is extremely hard. but i guess... if letting go will make him happy... i'll probably will...
im starting to think that she's a better girl for him too you know? that im not the one for him. since he's feeling all depressed and stuff even when he's with me. i can still see the awkwardness we had. the kinda feeling i cant describe. i can also sometimes feel the coldness in him towards me. damn. this is bad.
what else? alot more to go. this is gonna be one freaking long post. so guess i'll shorten it however i can.
i kinda dislike the moment when he tries to avoid my questions. i mean... who doesnt right? but he... does it frequently. and i mean... FREQUENTLY. its like... he doesnt wanna tell me anything at all. besides general stuff where he tells everyone, nope. not at all. but know whats funny? he expects me to tell him everything. yeah i do that too actually. but cant u see im trying to change? im trying to open up and now... u're treating me like this?? gosh.
like he said, even i would love to walk away from everything and leave this whole damn place screwed. how i wish i can. man... i just want to live my life in peace and happy. i just want everyone around me happy. is that too much to ask?? i think i just cared too much for other people. but that makes me ME. i cant change that. so i'll just have to suffer the consequences huh?
thats the problem with most of the guys i know. they love to imply. tho they hate people implying. they expects people to read their mind. when they know we cant. i just hate mind-guessing games. cause... when we CAN read their mind... they hate us for that. how stupid can it be more?!?! they.... practically just wants face. they wont say everything out. they wont tell everything out. omg. whats the problem with you people?!?! is it so hard to say it out??? why must you make us guess? sheesh...
therefore, there are some great guys i know. for instances my godbrother. no im not into him. he's just a great guy. at least he is to me. im not in love with him or anything... its just that... he's one decent guy i've met.
hmm.. i guess i'll stop here. i'll get more emo if i were to write more. i just... am totally confused.
[thoughts] (0)
