he's hurt.
[blasted on] Nov 15th, 2006 9:47:49 pm - Subscribe
[I am] busted. screwed. whatever. broken.
he says he's hurt. i know he is. obviously i know. i felt that before. but what he's feeling now... is not even half of what i felt.
im trying so hard to keep everything to myself. i know i shouldnt. but see... spm is more important than me. their future. i dont want anything to be ruined. maybe you might think im silly and stupid for caring for others too much but thats me. i rather ruin mine rather than to destroy theirs. so yeah... keeping it all to myself is all i can do now. spm is gonna start in a few more hours for me. i guess accounts aint a big deal for me. i can do it. but chemistry and physics and add maths and all.... no guarantee.
you know how hard it is to hide everything from people?? to get invisible?? i just wish everything pass fast. im thinking too much. im worrying too much. im selfish i know. sorry.
am i tearing us apart? or was is the situation??? whatever... blame me for everything i did. i just felt... as though i popped up in your life at the worst time. wrong time. everything is crashing. i tried to hold on but... i dont think i can take it anymore...
i hate the feeling of jealousy. although i know i shouldnt be. heck it would be nice if i can control my feelings... it'll be damn good if i can control everything, makes everyone happy... now... i dont know anymore.
~so how can i ever try to be better?
nobody ever lets me in
i can still see you, this ain't the best view
on the outside looking in
i've been a lot of places
i've never been on the outside~
maybe taylor's songs ARE affecting me alot. know why?? cause most of her songs... is what i truly felt inside. the great combination of her songs and my mood... oh just so great.
~He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing
Don't know why I do~
i miss him alot. but i dont know what i want anymore. i just want him happy. thats all. is that something too much for me to ask?? am i the cause for all??? damn. it hurts so bad i cant even feel myself anymore. im tearing apart. broken into millions of pieces.
I don't know what I want
So don't ask me cause I'm still trying to figure it out
Don't know what's down this road
I'm just walking trying to see through the rain coming down
Even though I'm not the only one who feels the way I do
~I don't know what I want
So don't ask me cause I'm still trying to figure it out
Don't know what's down this road
I'm just walking trying to see through the rain coming down
Even though I'm not the only one who feels the way I do~
~I'm alone, on my own and I'm starting off
I'll be strong, I'll be wrong, oh, but life goes on
Oh, I'm just a girl trying to find a place in this world~
save me. someone.
[thoughts] (1)
im sorry
[blasted on] Nov 15th, 2006 10:06:20 am - Subscribe
[I am] sorry
do you know how hard it is to be mean to him on the phone just now? do you have any idea? damn. i cant stop myself from breaking down. it takes a lot of courage and guts to talk to him. its not that i dont like talking to him. in fact i do. i love to. but... its like... when you wanna talk to him but at the same time not wanting to talk to him... its just hard. im tearing. im breaking. i just love him too much to let go. but... i dont know. i dont wanna let go. do i have to?
i wanna be selfish. but i cant. its wrong. selfish me to be selfish. i want him... but... maybe im just thinking too much. thats why im stepping deeper and deeper into this decision im making. someone... please... help me...
how i wish to be with him now. to hug him. to kiss him. just me and him. but aint that just me being selfish?
what can i do now? spm is crashing. i cant talk to him now. i mean... discuss about this. i dont want him to be all worried. i want him to concentrate in his studies... although i know he's not gonna do much studying. i just want the best for him. seeing him happy... is enough for me. that is why... that is why i probably gotto let go.
i no longer think that im a happy thing for him. i doubt if i can cheerish his life. i dont know if im the right girl for him. i dont know anymore. i really, really dont know. im clueless... please... get me out of here.
i dont deny that im being cold to him these days. im somehow avoiding him. but without him noticing. get what i mean? i seldom talk to him online now. excuse?? study. when im not even staring at the book. i talk meanly to him. phones and msn. both. how am i going to face him tomorrow?? i dont know if i could hold this any longer...
why am i troubling myself so much?? i dont know either. i... am afraid to get hurt. i've been hurted twice. and both sucks. that explains why i put a defense shield in front of my heart to protect it to tightly. that is why... never do i let anyone get close to it. im just afraid of getting hurt. that is why... im not allowing myself to get closer to him. not letting myself fall deeper for him. and also the reason for my coldness towards him. im sorry... im not as strong as you see i am on the outside. im just... sorry...
its tough when you want something and has it but forced to let it go. if im given the opportunity... i would not wanna bring misery into your life dear... i'd rather lie. i'd rather not show up. i'd rather... not enter your world at all. if thats all that makes you happier. i'd rather see you smile than seeing you now like this.
im sorry.
~so how can i ever try to be better?
nobody ever lets me in~
[thoughts] (0)
taylor swift
[blasted on] Nov 14th, 2006 7:50:30 am - Subscribe
[I am] alone
for those who loves country songs... i found one good singer. at least... she's good for me. i love her voice. i love her lyrics. taylor swift. she's good... she's... great...
Hold on, baby, you're losing it
The water's high, you're jumping into it
And letting go... and no one knows
You cry, but you don't tell anyone
That you might not be the golden one
And you're tied together with a smile
But you're coming undone
[tied together with a smile]
I'm alone, on my own and I'm starting off
I'll be strong, I'll be wrong, oh, but life goes on
Oh, I'm just a girl trying to find a place in this world
[a place in this world]
[thoughts] (0)
now... its me.
[blasted on] Nov 13th, 2006 9:04:54 am - Subscribe
[I am] busted. screwed. whatever.
last time it was him. now... it's me. I am now having the thoughts of breaking up with him. not because i dont love him no more. its just... i felt like a burden to him you know... he's suffocating. and.... im making it worst.
i dont know how to tell him. im afraid it will affect his studies in SPM. well, im not even sure if its affecting his now. i... dont know lah. what am i supposed to do?!?! can someone help me out here???
in fact... i guess im getting deeper and deeper into this relationship thingy. and... knowing i'll get hurt easily... and jealous too... i plan to control whatever it is... so i'll not get too deep in. what else can i do?? i cant avoid him. but i cant get closer... he aint letting me. I... aint letting myself either.
he likes jan. thats for SURE. yun? maybe maybe not. me? i guess so. but the problem is... i dont know what is he thinking now nor what's in his mind. i dont like to guess them. cant he just tell me straight?? why must he keep everything to himself??
now... what i want him to know is... who he really likes. i mean... no use him being with me when he likes another girl right? this case... loyalty doesnt count. whats the point being loyal when your hearts not there?? so i wanna give both of us a break... time to chill... so that we can think more rasionally. am i doing the right thing? i dunno. im still thinking... argh!
does he likes me because im a nice person? or was it that i mislead him? i dont know. seriously. or does he likes me as a friend but he himself has been confusing his mind? err... honestly... no idea. am i making sense???
i still love him. as much as i do last time. in fact... i think more. thats why i need to put a stop. or not i'll drop even harder the next time. i dont wanna get all hooked up in this kinda stuff. but does he? i mean... he's confused himself. i better not elaborate more.
i dunno la... what am i doing now man?!?! what am i thinking?!?! am i alright? i hope so. since he aint telling a thing... and i CANT guess a thing... and when i try to tell, but he doesnt wanna listen... it makes this pointless. whatever we're in now. there aint no meaning there you see... i rather we be friends then. we'll be much more open to each other and... much more happier i guess. or maybe its just gonna be all hidden beneath his fake self.
he just said it. and i felt nothing. "i miss you". does it even mean a thing now??? i guess im just thinking too much. yeah i DO miss him a lot. no doubts man. but... does he really mean it? maybe. i dont know lah...
its just getting more and more complicated.
its weird you know. he's been hidding lotsa stuff from me. what stuff? why bother writing here man.
and... he's been sounding very cheerful today. and know what? instead of being happy for him... i'm kinda doubting him more and more. it just seems so fake. maybe he's a bad actor. i dont know. my senses just tells me he's NOT alright. prove me wrong man. i know im right. or at least i felt that im right. who cares la... he's just trying to pretend to be someone else to please me... which kinda failed without him knowing.
i suck. i know. i really really do.
[thoughts] (1)
john tucker must die!
[blasted on] Nov 11th, 2006 12:33:10 am - Subscribe
[I am] me
i just watched that movie few minutes ago. i must say, it IS one nice movie. and... it DOES happens nowadays.
its a show about a guy who lied to most of the girls. practically all. in that show. he dates alot of them. he is what they call their "dream guy". but everything is just a lie.
so when these girls found out about his "dirty little secret", they plan to break his instead. since theirs have been broken by him. and Kate... a newbie in the school... that claims herself as "invisible", was made into one of the three girls chess to destroy John Tucker's life. Kate... decent and innocent. but was transformed into an evil angel.
when she realised it was all wrong, she plan to put a stop on all the evil deeds she did. that's because she felt that... what she had shown the world... was never her at all. its more of a "fake" her. its all a lie. she want to be herself again. she rather be invisible than to cheat herself. and she did. she made John Tucker realise that he shouldn't have lied. she made the three girls realised that what they had done... is all for him. no matter if they're struggling to break him, or struggling to make him theirs, its still all about him. finally, she fixed all the things she've done. return the watch to him. explains and be honest with him. tells the truth. and... be herself again. what did she get? she became a legend. in that show of course.
whats the moral of the story? Be Yourself. and... do not ever live in lies.
i would never choose to break a person's heart. because... thats all it takes to kill them. not literally but... you get the drift. and... hopefully... i can be what i want to be. an honest person. a person whom I am. my true self.
in short... i like that movie =D
[thoughts] (1)