im a fool
[blasted on] Nov 8th, 2006 7:08:13 am - Subscribe
[I am] broken
for once in my lifetime... i felt like a fool. an idiot. i thought you were different from the others. i thought you would never break my heart. how silly am i to think like that. i mean... i want to say that practically all guys are the same. but its not true. it is... somehow. in some way. ego-ness is one of the similarities.
i want to hate you. but i cant. the only thing i can think of now is practically just you. worried, at the same time a little angry. wanna be with you tru the bad times... but you wouldnt allow. you kept your heart close so tightly. you once said i kept a brick wall to protect me. seems like its you now. its always been hidden beneath that you dont even allow anyone to see tru it.
can you stop thinking so much? i mean... what you think might not be right. and what you do based on your thoughts... might not be the best option nor the best choice. so stop wasting your bloody time thinking and worrying for something that you're not supposed to! you once said you weren't good enough for me. says who? nobody is not good enough for anybody. the only thing i know is... im happy with you. and i want you to be happy as well.
look at you now. i had always wonder... does guys always keeps their feelings inside of them tightly and secretly so that nobody knows... but at the same time they expect you to know what are their worries??? hey, you cant expect me to guess whats on your mind. its either you tell, and please... like what you said.. no mind-guessing games ok? im getting real tired of it. sick of it. why cant you just say it out?!?! tell out all your problems! why keep? does it do you any good? does it solve your problems?? no it doesnt. the more you keep, the more you worry. wth?!?! why torture yourself dear...
i know i do the same... but im trying very hard to be myself again. to say what i wanna say. to do what i wanna do. all i need is time. is that too much to ask??
since the day i moved into this current house... i've not been really happy before. seriously. besides the few moments with him. it's been so long since i had that smile where kids show on their faces when they were given sweets?? the smile that can almost cover your eyes?? so long... since i had that.
excuses... are all he gave.
im tired. very... very tired.
[meaningless smiles]
[thoughts] (1)
wth?!?!
[blasted on] Nov 7th, 2006 3:16:42 pm - Subscribe
[I am] annoyed
seems like... he wants a break. and i need to rest. but it aint gonna fell good. i shouldn't have drag myself into this big trouble in the first place. now, im gonna suffer the consequences. cause... i really do care for him. its gonna be hard for me. i hope i'll survive thru this.
know what?? my previous guy gave me the same reason he gave. exams. wanna focus and concentrate and stuff. what an excuse. i... learnt my lesson. a BIG one.
p.s. thanks for giving me such "lovely" morning. i couldnt thank you more.
[thoughts] (0)
tell me, who?
[blasted on] Nov 6th, 2006 11:52:47 pm - Subscribe
[I am] once happy, but now tearing apart. again.
seems like my brother is once again angry and mad at me. for what? honestly, i have no idea.
i dont remember doing anything wrong. unless if he tells me what i did. in short... i just cant seem to understand guys in my family. they're.... complicated. some says I imply a lot. i say, my family GUYS imply even more. and implication... sucks.
he thinks he's smart. he is. no doubt. but not in every sense. he just over done it.
he expects me to know whats wrong. what mistakes i did. but to think of it, IF i would to know what i did wrong, wouldn't i be avoiding that mistake? cant you just come right front to me and tell me straight on my face? how am i supposed to know whats running in your complicated piece of mind?!?! and please... don't even get angry at me IF you plan not to tell or correct me. cause i'm not changing until i know whats wrong. i mean... how can i???
thats the problem with guys in my house. ego. and stubborn. guess i just gotto live with it eh?
if this is to continue any longer... im afraid i cant take it anymore. see... i've been down lately. and just recently that i tried to pull myself outta that dark spot. i can say i succeed. i made myself realize how silly i was to think so much.. to think of what is unnecessary. to worry bout what might not even happen. conclusion... its just a waste of effort, waste of energy, and waste of precious time.
now that i try not to think that much... people around me began to start. mostly my loved ones. my boyfriend... extremely down. he aint telling me anything. and i hope he's NOT in suicidal mood. how i wish i can cherish him up but seems like i cant. know why?? i dont even know a single thing happening to him!! damnit.
i tried to be happy even at home. i tried. real hard. but now... my brother is bringing all the sad faces back again. no wonder i cant stand this house any longer. im so tempted to just fly away like those little birds dancing in the sky. i envy them. really. i do.
everything changed. even i do. but i dont want to. i was once a carefree child. the one that you'll see smiling all the time whenever and wherever she goes. the one that cheers up people around her. the one that... guess i just turned from the better to worst eh?
there's no one i can really talk to. i used to to my mom. but she has lotsa thinkings and worries herself. and some things... mom are just not meant to know.
my childhood friend? he's had a girlfriend now that i better should stay away from keep on bothering him. its not a good thing to make other's girlfriend jealous. and frankly speaking, i know how jealousy feels like... and it suck terribly. plus, i wouldnt want him to worry about me either. he's happy with his gf now. better not interrupt.
who else? my godbrother? he aint in a good mood now either. so wouldnt i pull him lower if i would to tell him what happened??
conclusion... tell me. who is there for me?
my bf? like i say... he's in an extreme down mood now.
my current good friend? she's going thru something now. shouldnt be a burden for her. i know i know... thats what friends are for. but as a friend i wouldnt wanna trouble her either.
so tell me... who can i really rely on? myself? yeah i guess thats the only one i can really trust and depend on.
[thoughts] (0)
no mood
[blasted on] Oct 31st, 2006 7:35:41 am - Subscribe
[I am] moodless
i had this weird unpleasent dream this evening. yeah i was having a short nap. err.. actually a 2 hour nap. i woke up and got so blur i thought it was morning. hehe... blur me. anyway the dream... aint a gd one. and if i'm given the chance, i would not want anything like that to happen in my life.
in short... today... i lost my mood.
[thoughts] (2)
first ever time
[blasted on] Oct 27th, 2006 12:46:07 pm - Subscribe
[I am] glad
well, i just chatted with my brother just now. seems to be like he mix with me better than with my parents.
he is currently having disagreement towards my dad. and not so satisfied with my mom. ok he doesnt actually likes my attitude too but... he realize theres nth he can do. so.. yeah he's kinda alright with me.
i just talked to him. seriously. as in serious chat. i asked him how is he. hows his job and stuff... and he told me... "first ever time in seventeen years i hear you say that (that means its the first time he hears it from me since i was born)
anyway im glad my brother is alright. hehe
[thoughts] (0)