It's currently 12:58am,
I couldn't see myself sleeping for at least another two hours so I stare blankly at anything on Tv whilst searching the net for nothing inpaticular, then I found Emo Blog.
Today the most intresting thing that happened was i went to the shops with my mum. Bought the 4th Dune book and Diary - Sunny Day Real Estate. (yeah, my life's like totally insane isn't it?)
I've given Diary a spin and the first few tracks were pretty catchy, then it kinda went weird. I imagine I'll need to give it another few listens.
Yesterday I spoke to an old friend on msn who I hadn't spoken to for some time. (since primary school i guess) She's managed to lead a happy life, goes out with friends and generaly sounds like she enjoys life quite alot. At first I was happy to talk to her but later I found myself slightly depressed at how my life is going.
I guess I should mention abit about me seen it's my first Blog.
I just finished year 9. Currently on school holidays. Whilst I imagine other kids go out and do what ever people do these days, I just spend everyday at home trying to distract myself as time passes by.
At school, I imagine from an outsiders view I would appear to fit in quite well. I have friends, I get good grades, I guess I just seem like another kid.
I generally don't get invited to things, mainly cuase I guess I don't seem to have any like solid friend group. At school most people know me and there's quite a few groups I'm accepted in but I don't seem to fit into any paticular group all that great.
Hell I'm just gonna stop writing now, cuase I'm not really sure what I'm doing and tomorrow there's quite a chance I'll regret having written this.
To anyone who's reading this, yeah I know it sucks, I'm not the best linguistic person (if that's the word) and I just don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going.
It's Saturday night, even the people i usally chat to on msn have got something better to do.
Me, I'm still here same shit different day pretty much covers how things are going right now.
And in my book there's no such thing as good shit. (If it were good i'd call it i dunno, i'll figure that out when i'm feeling good)
I hate myself sometimes, now for instants. Often i find myself thinking about maybe i need a psychitrist or to get some kind of medical check to see if there's something wrong with me or if im just screwed in the head. (I usally find myself hoping that there is actully something wrong with me)
School is fine, my problem seems to be lack of contact with people outside of school.
At school pretty much everyone (in my year anyway) knows me, 2/3 i can get along with ok or have a chat too and 1/5 i feel are my friends. (to be fare, those figures mean nothing cuase i have absolotuley no idea how many people are in my year).
I enjoy school camps.
Camps are where I can escape school work and the whole classroom scene and start to 'show myself' for who i am instead of just the quiet kid that doesnt really say alot at school.
That's when I realised I had a crush on Sally. Since year seven (start of highschool) I'd always noticed her whenever we were near each other. In year 8 i was lucky enough to be in her class for nearly every subject and yet i still didnt have the guts to do anything. After camp at Portland, I dunno if it was my imagintation (maybe i'm just really deluded or something) but i had the feeling she might have liked me. When we passed each other we started saying hi to each other saying each others full names (I dont know why this means anything to me, but it was ....weird). For the record, I'm one of those fifteen year olds that still havent being on a date or anything. She asked me out once in the libary, i have not the fuzziest idea of weather she was kidding or not, either way i dumbly sat there and said alright. About 5 minutes later she took it back or something, I dont honestly remember to well.
A few months later I was just walking to my locker in a bit of a hurry when Cara, Haughy and Sally sort of converged on me and they were all talking about something or rather. At the time i ignored it and just kept walking. But looking back i wish i had listened. It was pretty well known knowledge in our class that she'd split with Nick and for a while Nick just seemed normal. But then a week or two later he just started paying me out whereever he could for seemingly no reason and a few of my friends (ie not really close friends but i still consider them friends) seemed to be dropping hints implying certain things. Either way, the past is the past and i can't change it. Weather or not she liked me doesn't seem to matter cuase I felt to ....i dont know the word, but i was just too scared i guess to do anything or pursue it.
Year nine, the first time we spoke i hadnt seen her for more than 6 months (our school had this crazy camp type thing that goes for a whole term, and we were in different terms) Having not seen her for ages i had managed to convince myself there was nothing there between us. But when i saw her and we greeted each other with a almost traditional meeting, she mentioned that she had missed me. I don't know if she heard but i found myself saying i had missed her too.
For a long time, nothing much happened.
And now...i guess nothings still happeneing. I still don't know weather there even was anything to begin with but i find that i can relive every word ive spoken to her in my mind and i always picture the next time we talk and what i might say, then naturally when ever i saw her i froze and reverted to an unusally happy hi.
I feel so stupid writing this, I try to conive myself there's nothing there all the time but at the same time i always hope there is. One of the things that started to really try to convince myself there was nothing was when one of my friends informed me that in the last year she had being with 9 guys. Now i have no experience in these matters at all but that sounded like alot to me, which leads to me fearing that i was just another temporary crush.
For some reason writing this down seems to be helping, i've thought all these thoughts thousands of times in my head but having written it at least for now i feel some what better about it.
I remember every word we've shared, what are the odds she remembers ten?
wow writing stuff down is awsome, for about half an hour i was happy for seemingly no reason. Curretnly i wouldnt say im happy happy but im not down or anything
Just struck me that as great as an ending as that was (it was pretty good huh?) i guess i dont remember everything she's said cuase im not exactly sure weather she said anything when houghy and cara were there
Well, having being annoyed at my parents for dragging me around on the weekend.
I found myself quite bored today. I've even started a new D2 LOD thing.
Unfortrunely the book i bought on the weekend (4th Dune) to keep me distracted durring the week has failed misrably, as u stayed awake last night till 5 something this morning finishing it (I can't help it, I have trouble putting a book down once im into it)
On the plus side, I managed to learn the intros for Everyone Run to the Hills and some old Sparta song i cant remember the name of by ear.
My teacher always said it was better to learn by ear but as soon as they start using weird chords i have no idea what to do.
Back to Dune, I was so pissed at that Idaho dude, what a dick head. (yeah i know, im angry at a fictional charecter)
Going back to school next week, not sure how to feel about that. I don't see much of my friends durring holidays so it'll be good to see em but apparently year 10's when stuff starts getting serious and ya have to work hard.
I ended up with accounting as a VCE subject (we can do one in yr 10 if we want) which is not something i really wanted and its defeinalty not the kind of career i had in mind.
They're also putting me into some extra maths. Sounds like they finally realised how easy their own subjects were. Unfotrunetly they sent some this little holiday book thing i was meant to answer. I've done most of it but the back page completely baffles me. At first i was going to ask my sister but then i thought screw it.
I'm so screwd when i get into yr 11 and 12.
My sisters made it so pretty much whatever i do i wont be as good as her at anything accedmic. (She got bloody 99.75 and the highest you can get is 99.95)
As my chinese teacher has told me several times , my sister is a very hard worker and i am not. Fair enough it's true, she reackons if i actully work hard i can do just as good as her. I don't.
Anywho, I actully have plans for tomorrow (yeah i know, what the hell!?)
Going into the city with Darcy, Steph and Brendon.
To be honest i have know idea what we're gonna do but it's nice to feel like i have purpose.
Found this really sweet band at download.com too,
The lyrics to Sincerely Disbeleif are awsome (espeically when he gets to the Dear My friends part, wait no. Change that just to the whole freking song is awsome!)
Unfortrunetly they dont seem to have a website of their own, so for all i know they could have broken up or something.
anywho, bye peoples
(dunno why i say bye, not really going anywhere, just the end of this blog)
O yeah nearly forgot, (good thing there's an edit)
I've realised i hate fast food (as in Maccas, kfc etc)
HAving not eatten it for a while, the other day I had maccas and later i was just like. Man I feel fat.(well there was a bit more to it then that, i just didnt feel to good in general) And just that feeling after eatting it seems to have put me off junk food.
Stopped drinking soft drinks too (this is actually old news but i thought worth mentioning cuase you know, I have nothing better to do )
A while ago i ahd a cold or something and whenever i tried drinking soft drinks they totally burned my throat and it hurt with the pain and the owwy. Either way, I just seem to be becomming healtyish these days. Horay for me!
I'm not too fond of chocolate either, just seems to make me really thirsty later.
After bitching about how borring the holidays are for me and thinking i'd prefer to be at school (yeah, I'm that sad) I wooke up today and realised it was Australia day.
A.K.A parents insisting on doing things
Tomorrw i gott go pick up my books for this year so that's also partly parents insisting on doing things (I need to be there to check that everythings there apparently)
Mum's day off, therefore she'll want to do something
Saturday, Sunday - yeah
Then i gotta go to school...
I found out there's some 3 day show in America some time soon, Saosin, Finch, CIrca Survive, hell they've got the original line up of Further Seems Forever reunited for the gig, and just about any other emo/screamo/hardcore/ wat eva you could ever dream of.
By then I'll probably be sitting in some class room learning about stuff i already know.
One time in science our teacher was going on about some crap about what sort of atoms will be attracted to other atoms.
I was only half listening, then i just yelled 6 (it was the answer to something, dont remember right now)
And all the idiots that never here me say anything look around, while the teachers just like thats correct then she show people how i came to the answer.
2 days later, also 2 science periods later i was sitting the class zoning out, untill one of my friends showed me some stupid little drawing they had done. When i started listeing to what was happeneing our teacher was still explaining how i had answered the question to the idiots that haunt my class.
PEOPLE ARE SO FUCKING STUPID!!!!
it just pisses me off, specially in maths where some idiot doesn't understand how to use the 1st law of indices, dispite the fact that it was written on the white board and our teacher had shown several examples proving it works.
fucking idiots that shall forever stalk my world and somehow end up in jobs where I'll be the one getting fired simply becuase they don't understand what I'm doing
well, I'm getting tired of bitching now so I'll go
for anyone who bothered to read this far (afterall it was just me bitching) here's another funny thing that my friend showed me
Look it's Magical Trevor! lol
After collecting books from school my, we went to Red Rooster (do they have them in ...wherever you live?) to get some lunch before my mum went back to work.
Man i feel like shit now, I should have just said I'd make something at home for lunch.
Fast food sucks...