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1st_escape One More Attempt at the Last Time - Subscribe
The smoke swirls around in front of my eyes.

I tell myself again, "this is the last time."

I have already planned the ceremonious act in my head. I have adapted the ritual from previous attempts. Trying to romanticize that which is killing me (Doesn't that sound familiar?).

These are the choices I have made. I know this in my mind, but do I really understand what it means? I am playing with my own time.

Maybe, just maybe, I like to be in control of something in my life, even if destroys me. I know you can't control that behavior in others.

On the path to acceptance. On the path to .... somewhere. I can't really see that far in the distance. Is the smoke, or the fear, or the denial blocking my view?
1 Comments
Mood: manipulative
What I'm hearing: Mariana's Trench

1st_escape Boggled by a Drop of Iron Feb 7th, 2008 11:25:44 pm - Subscribe
Right now, flowing through my bloodstream, pulsing through my veins, there is but a single drop of iron. My body needs this. The iron flows through my heart, being pumped through my body. It flows through my mind, past the memories of years gone past, friendships gone stale, relationships destroyed. Still, this drop of iron flows. Bits of it, in my fingers, as I type this very message. This iron was not created for me. It is part of the static, already determined supply of iron in our universe. No more can be created, and it cannot be destroyed. Before, I was born, this iron belonged somewhere else. A million years ago, was it but a piece of iron ore, buried deep within the earth, perhaps in a place I have never even been. But still, the same drop of iron persists through to today. And it will continue after I am gone. I am simply the keeper of this small bit of the universe during the limited window of my life. And so it is with every other component of my being. I am connected to the rest of the universe. I am constructed of "borrowed parts," we all are. We are innately tied to everything and everyone else. We can not separate ourselves from the rest of the world, no matter how hard we try.

My mind is completely, and utterly boggled.

"If I die and go to hell real soon,
it will appear to me as this room,
and for eternity I lay in bed."
1 Comments
Mood: dramatic
What I'm hearing: Say Anything

1st_escape Christmas is Coming (so are finals...) Dec 12th, 2005 3:00:31 am - Subscribe
The first quarter is winding down to a close. Finals are this week. How do I feel about my first quarter at college? Fantastic. Overall, that is. Sure, I'm stressed about finals this week, but I feel confident I'll do well. Tests were never that much of an obstacle for me, especially not in subjects that I'm interested in. I'm thrilled with the way my classes went this quarter. College is more fantastic than I imagined. I just feel so free, and so... valued. I love my job, and I can't wait to actually start driving. I'm learning to just accept who I am and be comfortable with that. I'm learning that this is the only life I have to live, so I better make the most of it, do what I want in order to be happy, and help as many people as I can along the way. I'm starting to figure out what things I want out of my life and myself, and frankly, there are a lot of them. But I am getting started. I am excited about going home for the Christmas break and being to just relax with my family for a few days. This Christmas is going to be fantastic, I think. I am also excited about coming home to Davis a few days early to hopefully finish my bus training. I truly feel that I have made the right choice, and that Davis is the beginning of the exciting journey that is my life.
Although, not everything is hunky dory for me here. I am very annoyed and stressed by this Lacey situation. I didn't ask to be put into it, and I have no idea how to handle it. I've always felt awkward in these situations, where a girl likes me and I don't really like her back. And every time, it is really awkward and alters the relationship permanently afterwards. Only this time it will be more difficult and awkward because we have the same circle of friends and we all live together. I don't think I should feel so consumed and annoyed by this though, since it isn't really my fault. It wouldn't bother me except for the fact that she treats everyone else like they are inferior, and so she causes a lot of tension in the group. I know they already deal with a lot from her because of how she feels about me, and I feel really bad about that. I just want to enjoy my coming Christmas break, and my entire year at college. And I dont' want something as stupid as drama to hinder it.
0 Comments
Mood: Just happy.
What I'm hearing: Sugarland

1st_escape Her. Oct 29th, 2005 7:20:07 pm - Subscribe
I want a girl that I can talk to. I want a girl who dresses up, who is beautiful, but isn't sure if she is. I want to be the one to tell her. I want a girl who cares about something. I want to care about her. I want a girl who wants to talk to me, and who is interested in what I have to say. I want to bring her home to my parents, and have them nod their heads in approval after dinner is over. I want her to be mysterious, so everyday is a new adventure. I want to be pushed to do things I've never done before. Fuck, I want the movies. I was close to having that before, but... it didn't work. I'll admit, I got hurt, and now I'm.... afraid? I don't know if that's the right word. Part of me is scared, scared of getting hurt again. I know that is a risk you have to take. But part of me just also doesn't want to waste my time on something that is.... frivolous. That's why I don't have somebody. I know I could, but I haven't really found someone I could fall for, not after what happened between me and... her. I wish all my "friends" would get off my back about that. I don't like to pour myself out to too many people, that has ended ugly for me in the past. I find the pen to be a more trusting confidant. Although, there is a girl whom the more I see, the more I want to see. I just hope I can pull myself together enough to not fuck it up.
1 Comments
Mood: longing
What I'm hearing: Something Corporate-Leaving Through The Window

fungusmung the update of doom Oct 15th, 2005 9:13:20 am - Subscribe
ok then... the fungus shows the face of doom again

updates shall abound

mostly because this is the fist night i have spent without my dearest miranda in about 5 months

kinda sad and scary... i'm not used to this any more sad.gif

i love you baby (while i'm at it)

anyway... what has happenned since the last post?

i have got job and held it for the last 3 months

i have worked on a car that will never get on the road

i have applied for a bank loan to get car that WILL be on road

i have turned 20

not much else aside from that other than the obligatory sex, drugs and rock and roll...

and for reference, anyone who livesin the melbourne area should come and see my band play at our lady of perpetual help primary school fete (i know, kinda daggy) on oct 22 @ 2pm

failing that come down to the ferntree gully hotel (the middle hotel) at 9pm on nov 17th and catch us then... for the ass kicking at coca-cola live and local

we shall rock your pants off with awesome music, free stickers and maybe even a few album freebies grin.gif

until then...

sleep well fukkahs

love from fungus wink.gif
3 Comments
Mood: swanky