Not really. There's nothing to look at. I just didn't know what to title this bit.
I have been better. Things calmed down after the flash floods, but even today a tenant was grouchy at me because his water damage wasn't remedied yet.
The crew chief keeps going to the hospital, which sucks. I hope he gets better. He has too much stress to deal with.
Meanwhile, Cassandra was going to put in at her work for medical leave and I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow.
I ain't sick. I got a place in my belly where the muscle wall is split. I never worried much about it. But it could be a problem if I ever got pregnant.
It's been like that since I was twelve or so, and maybe before then.
It makes sense to get it taken care of now, because I have full medical insurance, and Jack says that is going to go away sooner or later.
Jack had a shiner this afternoon. When I saw him, I was certain that somebody hit him. Since he seemed unaware that someone had hit him, I figured he was rough-housing. But he said he hit the side of his head. If he hit the side of his head, then why was his eyelid swollen half shut, and bright purple?
I was confused. It didn't feel like he was lying.
He said he hit the brow bone on the side, near the temple- and the eye puffed up like that. He said maybe it was his high blood pressure. He said blood vessels bursting like that worried him because it was "stroke-like." Then he got a smile because he thought of dying of a stroke, all sudden and painless.
He is one of the few nihilists I've ever dealt with.
He talks about it frequently. I don't want him to because: A - he keeps the company together B - I enjoy reporting to him C - I like his sense of humor D - he has a wife and five (grown) kids to think about E - I think its a cowardly act, and a *contagious* cowardly act
He lives in disconnect from his actual self. The little kid self in him is so repressed that it never breaks out except in compulsive fits of irresponsibility (conjecture) for which he spends much of his emotional and psychological strength berating himself afterwards.
To which I have two thoughts. One. He has chosen that cycle over boredom. Two. He cannot break out unless he sees it for the parasitic, weak, life-leeching dysfunction that it is, and chooses personal growth, life, and personal contribution to the world.
When I got out of work late today, my car wouldn't start. I called tow companies, and the third one said they would come in fifteen minutes, but only accepted cash. I looked in my wallet. I had only three-fifths the amount needed. They let me pay the remaining amount with a personal check. The check will be good. Even if there is not enough money in my account, my financial institution will honor it.
I felt like such a geek. We are so mean to the tenants where I work that I didn't feel free to ask any of them to help me. I felt stranded. Dropping cash for help felt empty and alone compared to asking for and receiving help from a friend.
I went to a bridal shower. It was odd to be there. No one knew me, but there was art there. One artist, David Rodriguez, had made a painting of (I think) street magician David Blane, and it was a fabulous painting, captured the mystery, and the drama and tension, the street smarts, the rough neighborhood, and that weird unwavering gaze...
it was a good painting.
I'm going there next week for the wedding, so maybe I'll snap a picture and post it here. I think you guys would like it.
Oo I just got an email from a man I met at a party last weekend. We were on the same team during game time. (The parties I go to - no booze, no drugs, no making out)
But I didn't give him my email and that means he had to ask...
kudos to him
Went to a Turkish restaurant today. Oh man the baklava was amazing.
medical update - already went to the doctor and he referred me to a specialist.
I made the last payment on my car this week.
Worked hard today to get my room looking pretty. The room looks great. Need to find a method to keep it that way.
On Friday night I started a long, whiny blog, and then accidentally hit the escape key and lost the whole thing.
Today I checked out velouria's blog and she had video game graphics on her blog. The game told a story. Action comedy and science fiction comedy are two of my favorite types of stories.
I looked at the blog of she again, and it isn't updated or anything, but it always moves me because she says she saw her mother murdered, which is incredibly sad, and makes me wonder, as do some of the entries of j_godley, why super bad things don't happen to people immediately following their ... um ... SIN ... of abusing children and women, taking lives, hurting, taking advantage, corupting, warping, etc. You can't read that blog and say, "No... blogger- she - wasn't warped by that experience." I read it and I can see how she wants to hurt people and how for years and years she has hurt people, and how she's not really afraid of those things inside her but is aware of them, and maybe senses a little bit of isolation, how those feelings make her different from some of the other people she encounters.
If I were her, I would probably choose to hang out with people who could identify with her feelings, but that would have the negative effect that they would hurt her too...
I think it is a hard thing to break out of.
Cassandra and I were arguing the other day who was more difficult to rehabilitate, a habitual abuser or a habitual victim. And I said it was the victim... more difficult to make a victim into strong person than a cruel irrational person to a gentle predictable person, but she disagreed with me and maybe she's right.
Anyway, there's someone in my life right now, a man who is about half done with his life, that "feels" to me like oh, he isn't that safe a person, or like he has desire to hurt people. Possibly contained. Who knows? But it feels unsafe to me and I don't know what to do with that feeling.
I'm not much of a people person myself... some days I feel like I have a horror-film like shadow (literal shadow) that can't be seen, at least by me, but that causes harm, and at least causes others to draw correlation between myself and undesirable ripples.
That mental picture is the result of a staunch refusal on my part to see myself as undesirable or bad. I can't imagine any part of my being or spirit, conscious or unconscious, enacting bad on purpose.
So if people reject me, it must be because of my "shadow."
Of course, that's completely irrational. In the future, when I feel rejected by people, I should like to choose to evaluate: 1. If the perceived rejection is real 2. If the rejection is a fault or shortcoming in the other person, even in the function of bandwidth or capacity (they're just too busy) 3. If their rejection is caused by something undesirable inside of me, something I could change, if I would just be honest with myself and look at it squarely
I had an outrageous thought today. If I shared it here you would all laugh at me. It was a glimpse of something I would want if I knew it existed. And I decided it existed (future tense) and I decided I wanted it (present tense) and I decided to go after it.
Because it isn't here yet, but when it gets here, I want to be in position to land it.
I SEE it. Do you understand? Like a fighter sees an opening. It can't be counted on, but it can be tried.
And my friend who often hurt my feelings by blowing me off called me today. She said she wanted to come to Dallas and look at some real estate. I've never been able to blow her off, because she's an orphan, though I believe that many times her isolation is self-imposed, when you see a person in a dark cell, and the window's open, but they're too scared to know it, you can't just leave them there. Not if a bird's ever made you happy by singing. Not if, in junior high, someone ever saved you by smiling at you, letting you know you counted when you were having a bad day. Not if you ever had family that loved you and took care of you.
I read a couple more books. I finished "Rich Dad Poor Dad," and was happy because it gave me additional incentive to follow up on my study of balance sheets, income statements, accounting principles and financial planning principles.
And I started reading How to be a KickAss Assistant, which had the unfortunate effect of reminding me of Vince Foster. People really do forget about that stuff. Forget names. Forget dates.
Oh, they bought a new kind of dog food for my awesome mutt today, and she seemed to enjoy it. She had been leaving the other food neglected and I told my mom, that brand smells like offal, and my mom asked what is offal? and I told her its the cow manure when its still in the cow. I think if it's still in the cow, you can call that "beef" when you make dog food.
I had an awful cramp in my hand today, I think I jammed the thumb, but wunder-kid rubbed it out.
I had a chat with my cousin today. She's been at odds with her mother, and I feel bad for her, because it's hard to make a positive change in your family relationships...
I've been so proud of her for making up her own mind about things and deciding to rise above some of those very oppressive rutts, working her way out of debt, marrying a kind and tender man, taking on the hardest job she's ever loved (motherhood) with courage and a caretaker's heart.
Land, she makes me beam...
I'm telling you true...
I think she's so cool.