Seems like I never shut up about this place.

I love my gym. When I sit down in one place, I can see people who take it seriously training in the ring. Then in front of me I can see people working on grappling, and further down I can see people improving on kickboxing. It's like my dream place, to sit there and watch all that. But it isn't a dream; it's real. I love the energy, and I like seeing people making themselves better and making people around them better; it's just a cool thing.

I haven't been there very much recently; but I wouldn't stay away without reason. I had some things in my professional life that needed to change, and I am working on changing them. I AM VERY BAD at transition - feels like it leeches the strength right out out, my will power caves some, and I retreat to what seems like a safer place, a place where I sleep a lot, see fewer people, and forget to do laundry.

The sleeping really is pathetic. I was supposed to go to an icecream social with folks from the gym, and it started at five-thirty. But I fell asleep mid-afternoon, and when I woke up, I had that sinking feeling associated with having missed something. Sure enough, the time was 6:10 PM.

When Peter went all out of his way to take me on the boat tour just as the sun was setting, and treated me out for Thai, and made sure the roof was down on his cute car so I could look at the stars on our way back, I was pretty sure he liked me.

I stopped and turned around as he was following me, stopped and turned so that I was not more than six inches from his face. (Nothing.)

Oh well. More power to him.

I was on the bus, and there was this prep school turn-out opposite me, I mean he looked private college instead of public college, and he was expensively and casually dressed, and I thought I caught a vibe of feigned nonchalance, in other words I kidded myself that he wanted me to notice him, and after a while some troubled and mildly conflicted looks crossed his brow, so I said to him, "You're the poster boy for behind-blue-eyes," which he conceded to, with a look of surprise, but it's ok-
I mean people hardly ever talk to people on the bus, especially with any level of boundary-crossing nonchalant honesty:
That was fun for me. And it felt like a set up.

When I was on the subway, our car was dripping water from the ceiling. It was dripping on a man who was standing near the sliding doors, and he never quite figured out: how he got wet. I just about lost it. What was water doing dripping from the ceiling anyway?

I wrote these last year.


broken

"eat your heart out" the mantroll said
and "you'll be found amongst the dead once
people find out what you're really about;"
he joined the ranks of the nay-sayers and
the snit-snots,
the ones that tie you down just when you
were two inches from breaking free
and catch your last glimpse of freedom
as it spirals away
getting smaller millisecond by lost moment-

when will it not be the same old
because there may be a gleam
of something other than fangs

and as you look in the dark for something,
and hoping that it won't be too scary
you hear the breathing of another person
and pray that whoever it is - is more or less
like you

except... not too scared to move



Animal Crackers

I bought animal crackers
and little paks of apple juice
and put them in a sandwich bag
with a dollar
and give them to the folk

that stand on the corners
and beg

not that they deserve
a freebie - no one does

It just reminds me that I have both my parents
and all four grandparents
and one great Ellie, who adopted us all when she married Joseph
even though Joey died in the war and it broke her heart
she loved on the kids until they knew what love was
and then when we grandkids came she loved on us

and when we lived in her house
in her own way she let the folks know to be gentle with kids
- not too harsh
showing love was the way

and when I think of all that
I can't stand to look the other way

because [seeing the homeless] my mind will ask - "where are their mothers?"
and it will ruin me



Crazy

You know I thought of you
when I was watching Hildalgo
and the half-blood said to
his adversary, "what about your will
what about the will of your horse,"
and I thought of you because you
remind me of the adversary's mindset:
the one that chooses to be helpless,
and calls it righteousness; because only
God has the divine right to choose
who lives, who dies, who wins and loses.

I don't believe the same way you do
but the fire in your deep and honest eyes catches me
by surprise

it hurts me
that you will blame God
if you fail

Don't you know that Jacob wrestled with the Lord?
Abraham negotiated.
Moses argued.

Don't you understand.
The Lord has given you space.
It is your gift, your curse, (your own).
He has given you room to operate-
how can you deny his gift?

I am mad at you for not taking responsibility over what is yours

***boy
I met a boy. Peter. Actually, he's my age. He's smart. He's cute and has an athletic build. He opens his bible to read it daily. He's got people skills and a fun sense of humor. His friends say he's a godly man. He prays. I noticed that he was dependable, friendly, and extremely reasonable.

He's very, very single. And I noticed.

I gave him my phone number but he hasn't used it.
Maybe he's too good for me.

***schedule
I think I finally found a way to make my schedule work.
I was reading my old blogs and I saw how I had wanted to integrate 20 minutes of prayer per day into my life, but I never did. Then I went to bible study, and they popped in a sermon tape on... prayer. On making the time to pray, and the importance of prayer; intimacy with God, and choosing to have real and lasting impact.

In addition to prayer, there were at least 3 other important things that had fallen right off my schedule. Drastic change is needed.