moongirl's Blog

For a long time (many years) my typical anxiety dream (borderline nightmare) has been losing or misplacing or having stolen or carelessly ignoring my handbag/purse/keys while out somewhere. There's a sudden whump inside when I realise I've lost my most essential possession(s), that I am now stranded without money/keys/phone/ID/whatever else I was carrying around if it was my bag gone missing. It feels so real at the time. I don't realise I'm dreaming. And even, sometimes, when I wake up, it takes me a few minutes to realise it was just a dream, that I'm really awake now, that it didn't happen, I haven't lost anything.

New mothers, I believe, frequently dream they have left the baby at home, or in the car, or at the supermarket, or they have no clue where the baby is. They have horrible never-ending, looping, recurring, completely insane dreams where they do nothing but try to figure out where their baby is, and find him/her before he/she comes to irrevocable harm.

Last night I dreamed I put a pack of cigarettes in my bag, and smoked one without really thinking about what I was doing.

Later this afternoon it will be a week since I've lit up, and more than a week since I've attempted to inhale. I still miss lighting up (or I have missed it, a couple of times, in the last few days) but I don't miss coughing my guts up every morning. I'm still coughing, and I'm still hacking up loogies several times a day, but it feels therapeutic now rather than life-threatening. I feel like I'm making progress. I wasn't tempted to smoke at all on the weekend. This is really, really good. The other times I've tried to quit I always caved the first time I was around other smokers. I almost feel strong enough now. I would say I am strong enough, except for that dream, which I hadn't anticipated at all.

Losing my purse/keys/phone/ID while out would be one of the worst things that could happen to me (the worst, imo, short of being beaten up so badly I needed machines to keep me alive). I know that sounds like I'm being a drama queen but I live alone, in a security building, so if I had no keys, no money, no phone, no way of reaching my mother (who has spare keys for me), or anyone else (who could give me a lift to my mother's, or lend me money, whatever), it would be a major deal for me. It would be panic attack time. Just the thought of having a panic attack in public, and not having my pills on me, and not having my phone, is almost enough to make me feel panicky anyway. My shrink doesn't like me theorising on my own, for exactly this reason.

femmeemo - April 04th, 2006 I'm glad the death cough has subsided somewhat. Don't panic, panic attacks aren't fun. I have had only two in the last year, and they sure aren't fun, nope. Neither is paranoia, which for me, is more of a threat than panic attacks... Eek. Nasty habits eat at my nerves... Toodles, Andrea...

moongirl - April 04th, 2006 I had another of those cigarette dreams last night, except in this one I was going to light up but not inhale. So my brain is doing something, processing the whole "I quit" thing, but it's still making me nervous. Thanks for your input

moongirl - September 05th, 2011 I'm *still* having cigarette dreams even though I am totally clean tobacco-wise for more than 5 years now. ridiculous!

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