It's been well over a year I think since I've put anything on here. I hurt today. I've hurt for months and selfishly feel like I can't put it anywhere. So I'll dig in the backyard, dig up that box with the dust covered key and unlock this old place. This place that is always here; and untouched. Just my own worn out shoe prints leading to and from this pages to guide me.
My brother was arrested yesterday.
My baby brother. He was arrested twice before this; but this time is different. This time I don't get to see him anymore. This time he'll serve time. Probably a long time.
I carry misplaced guilt. Selfishly.
There. I've put it somewhere. So maybe it won't feel so heavy.
I knew that this day would come- the day when I was harboring a fugitive inside my virgin walls. My life has been absolutely upside down the past month. Turns out creating life is a difficult undertaking- it's eerie to think that there is brain activity going on inside me that is not mine, nor do I have any control over the secondary heart beating in my belly.
I got to see it on Monday- sure enough it had a flickering pen line of a heart. Little nubs that will one day be arms, and in seven months... I guess I will be a mother. I feel more like a mothership than a mother. The parasite inside of me makes me hungry, nauseous. Makes me angry, sad, and say things I totally mean. Makes me feel more anxiety, less anxiety than I ever though possible. It has been such a roller coaster, and besides the curiously alcohol-free nature of my life the past month and some... I don't look much different.
I notice the paunch getting more defined, even despite the pounds I've lost. My chest is heavier and more sensitive than ever. I have the biggest bags under my eyes I've ever seen.
I've confided my secret in few- my grandmother makes me the happiest. She is full of hope and love, and strange words of wisdom. The rest of the family finding out makes me both anxious and that we will be judged- and at the same time I will feel so good after Saturday when everyone will know.
So far the baby is healthy. We are in our own place, and we are surviving. He is excited. I mostly worry, and feel nauseous.
About being a decent parent.
About managing working while I feel like total garbage.
About maintaining our budget.
About if our alien will sprout up normal.
// Mood: Sprawling
// I Hear: Madeline Peyroux
Life has put me through the ringer lately and I feel so overwhelmingly alone that it's difficult to put this anyplace.
"When it is dark enough, you can see the stars."
Everything swirled over me so quickly, and I refused to process any of my feelings from about September on- and now I have a soul crushing amount of things that are no longer content to sit in the darkness, and have taken it upon themselves to all start screaming their white hot insults at me at once. I would normally have several confidants, but in this I am alone. I have Spencer, and now he is angry with me- for what I see as a menial slip, and that I know he takes as a grave offense.
I am tired of taking everyone's feelings into account. Why can't I have my moment to stand here, and cry and yell. It isn't fair, or maybe it is. I am not ready, or maybe I am. I can't handle the failings of my family.
Of his family.
I can't deal with our living arrangements, and all I want is a bathtub to drown myself in.
I see myself failing at work, I see myself failing at home, and I carry this alone, and yet- I forgot to mention I had applied for a day off and it is cause enough to belittle my commitment to my relationship.
I am exhausted.
I am constantly ill. But no. Smile, and be the rock for everyone. Listen to your father talk about your ungrateful brother. Listen to your mother guilt you about having some level of independence. Listen to your mother in law demonize everything you do.
Listen to yourself tell yourself that you're not good enough- that you're a colossal fuck up. Listen to that same voice tell you that you wanted to play in the big leagues and be an adult- and then you only want to cower behind your mother's skirt folds of safety, even though your own mother is more fucked up than you.
I do not feel okay. I am tired of carrying. Tired of being the emotional pack mule for everyone.
I can't do this. I am afraid.
I am afraid and nauseous.
// Mood: complicated
// I Hear: the radio.
I don't actually know if I mentioned the fact that I'm getting married. I honestly don't know- and I really don't think I did. Well. Let me be the first to tell you, dear internet: I am getting married.
It was supposed to be October 4th, 2014. We pushed it back. Or, rather- are pushing it back. This was actually not at all what I intended on blogging about. But- I suppose since I haven't actually told anyone yet save for my mother, and my grandmother- I suppose there is something cathartic about sharing a secret. I hope by the time we tell his discouragingly nosy family that I will be so numb to the emotions around having to push it a year that it won't be a painful topic.
The joys of having a family that talks big, but is ultimately inherently selfish.
But I digress. All I want is to be caught up. I am exhausted but can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am off the PEI in a week and a half- and it should be great. After that I have a trip to Winnipeg and then I am done travelling for a while. In the meantime- I need to seriously ask myself if I want to give up this amazing opportunity and step down to YTP. On the one hand- it would afford me more one to one experience with youth, a la case management style. But. On the other hand- I am closer to thirty now than I have ever been, I am not going to want to be front line staff forever... perhaps having more experience as an administrator isn't a bad thing.
Torn. Then whole reason I wanted to go to YTP is so I could be home for the wedding, and now that it is no longer a huge issue- maybe I wait. Maybe I stay put.
I'm going to get my new tattoo this summer. I am going to do it.
As the kids say.
// Mood: Ulcery.
// I Hear: Good Mourning.
It's been awhile since I've written here, but in a few weeks I kick off my first round of travels for work. Saskatoon, Banff, Miami, Toronto, New York, Toronto, Winnipeg, PEI and Toronto. A week here, a few days there... it adds up quick and before I know it will be July.
I was thrown today by an unexpected message from a friend whom I haven't heard from in years. I think deathcab4u might've actually been the first online person that I spoke to on a regular basis. It was nice to hear that he is doing well.
It made me think of Dustin too. And Marlene. I wonder how their lives turned out.
I let myself get wrapped up in my own head the last few months- stress and an anxiety disorder lends to self alienation and hiding. Though not to the extent that I would have clung to five years ago. Two years ago. I take that as growth.
Though that being said- I still listen to half the same music I did in high school, even though graduation is closer to ten years ago then it is to five. I am ready to travel. I am ready for silly adventures, and vacation too. I look forward to marrying two very good friends of mine in New York in the park in early May (online ordained Jedi master of awesome?) and I look forward to long walks with my dog.
I feel better this week. I do. I needed a change, and it was given to me. Now to hold onto it like the gift it should be, and not the curse it feels like.
// Mood: Thin.
// I Hear: Brand New- Sowing Season
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// Mood: love
// I Hear: Slow loading times
My writing changes. Here, there is mystery. There is a level of the unknown- perhaps that is the muse that my life is missing. Things have gotten far less aggravating in my life since I stopped telling half truths and shrouding life in some sort of invisible cloak of perceived excitement.
But I miss it. I miss the quiet hope, and buried double meanings- and perhaps that is why I came here for this.
I have so many things to look forward to: and this weekend confirmed it. I met a most incredible boy this weekend- his grandmother originally from Trinidad. He asked if he could read my palm, and I- not without some hesitation: consented.
He quietly explained that his grandmother had read palms for a living, and her grandmother before her- that before she passed on, she had taught her eldest grandson how to glean the future from the hard etched hands of the masses.
I will have a family. In my youth I will struggle with finances. I will live a long life. I will die in the south- and eventually my past will catch up to me.
It made me think of what possibly could come back from my past to hang over my head like a dark stormy halo. My terrible financial habits? Likely. My inability to have a healthy dynamic with my own family? Obviously. But beyond that... I don't know.
The prospect of having children. Or even the expensive mess that will be next fall...
It's exciting. It's terrifying. Life is unexpected and depressing, and motivating and magical and awful. It is a rickety wooden roller coaster. It is a crowded airport waiting area with a screaming child in the row next to you.
I want to be the one that smiles at the red faced ball of snot and see him slowly stop crying. I want to sit in the second row on the roller coaster and get wet as he splash into the water below.
As I stare at my right palm, and look at the bumps and lines and scars- I want to know that even if it is a load of crap- I made the best of whatever life handed me.
Even if it means another five hours sitting in an airport. Watching people moving on their ways home.
// Mood: Placid
// I Hear: Boarding calls, and screaming children.
After our trial period of having registration open, we have decided to close it once again due to the massive amounts of spam still coming at us. We are shooting around some ideas in regards to re-opening registration, one of which is manual activation. Meaning we will activate accounts only after certain circumstances have been done, such as an email to us from your email account to verify the email and username.
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aeonity » Mar 8th, 2013 10:31:47 am - Subscribe » Free Blog Registration Re-Opened
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