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Went swimming at the lake yesterday with my fiancée, some friends, and there kids. It was a lot of fun actually! They have a 1 1/2 yr old and it was his first time in anything bigger than a kiddie pool. He had a floaty but his face was still great to see. Big old smile and an evil giggle here and there. Amazing how a kid can make your day better. Was way grumpy after a while yesterday when I was getting tired. Also we ran into one of dads "friends". I should totally be used to it by now but some things just still get to me and some "surprises" just take a while to shake off. Oh, well whats done is done, and stuff is just stuff. In the long run they say its the thought that counts and as long as you still have these people in your heart they'll always be with you. Man, I hope that's true. Hoping to bug my Tab to go with me and Grams dress shopping soon.... I'm getting EXCITED!!! Just gotta not let myself stress the small stuff. The important detail is I love the big head, he makes me smile, and he tries. With that, eventually we can fix the rest. Well I believe this is one of my longer rambling posts and so far not to grumpy sounding...good sign?.... maybe?....well shit either way I'll take it!
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| I don't really feel like writing at this moment I really feel like ranting to the heavens, to the neighbors, to anyone and everyone who will listen. I wanna just tear out my hair and scream and be a crazy person. I mean really!!! I have no internet yet I try to get on as often as I can. Writing soothes and calms me, it helps me keep my head on straight which is great with the everything else that's going on. However I can't even do that. I have... I mean had... a journal at my house to write in and after the 4th person to pretty much destroy/read it I quit! Fuck it i'll write in it when I can and damn any poor souls who are around between now and then. Should I put a dead bolt on my bedroom door in my own house just so I can keep something...anything...private. Ridiculous. Should I just start tryin to be a raging psycho so maybe there scared of me and leave my shit alone? I am supposed to get marries in a year and I'm not sure if i even want to. Who wants one or all 3 of there brother -in-laws living on there couch sucking them dry like a leech. I love Kenny truly with all my heart but it has been almost 5 years now and nothing has changed in that department we just keep trading them out. I am so almost over this. Yes I know I seem to always be bitching on here but I have no one to talk to and obviously no journal left so FFUCK IT!!! Worl be prepared. Hopefully next time I get on I can write and entry full of sunshine and light but realistically.... probably not. |
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I don't get to get on much anymore. Seems crazy because i used to get one all the time. But now i'm always working or watching kids, plus I don't have my own net connection anymore. I have a journal at home on paper. It's just not the same. It's totally getting to the point were I don't wanna answer my phone anymore. Every time I do it's someone telling me bad news or wanting something. I hate to break it to people but I have way too much shit to do already to add holding there hand to that list. The people who need the help the most don't want it and everyone else is so used to someone cleaning up there messes for them that they keep askin for help they don't really need. I'm just gonna do what I can for who I can and say screw the rest. You can't pick your own kids up from school. I don't care. You can't pay your bills because you spent all of your money on stupid crap. I don't care. You are gonna have to work late because I requested the day off...for once..... I don't care. I am broke, lonely and sad too you see me tryin to get anyone else to make it better...no... cuz I did it to myself just stop bitchin and fix it if you want it to get better. No one says your step dad is dying of cancer here's some free money so you can go up and see him. No one says your mom needs help...here's a work vacation so you can go help her take care of him. No one says your are going to be very close if not late on rent this month... dont worry bout it live here for free. No one says you need phone minutes to keep up with the tests results phone messages... here's a free phone card. No... no ones wiping my ass or making my life easier why should I try so damn hard to help with there's especially when it keeps getting me screwed over. Oh, well there's my bitchy hormonal "grown adults should take care of themselves or have no legal rights rant." Think of me what you will cuz guess what... I DON'T CARE lol
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About a year ago, I had planned to see the Pixies in Washington, DC but was unable to get tickets. I actually did get tickets - front-row-center-seats, but Ticketmaster freaked out and lost them. I did see the Pixies September 10, 2010! :-) It was awesome!! |
broknangel
The Truth. Jun 27th, 2010 4:36:43 am - Subscribe
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This is the truth. My life hasn't been an easy one. In everything I've struggled, and at every turn I come under the scrutiny of my family. The judgement. Why am I not better than who I am? The truth? They couldn't handle. The people I've lived with. The things I've dealt with? Sometimes even I don't even want to know. I stopped "Living" at home when I was about 15. Everything I owned was still there, but I had license, and friends, and things with my family were going downhill. So i just stopped living there. It started with staying at a mates. for two or three weeks at a time. Sometimes more. I would come home for a week, and go away for four. I suppose it didn't help that I had quit school. I turned 16. I got a job, and a car. I started housesitting. My grandparents went away when my grandfather was having chemo. I housesat. For six months. Bought my own food. etc. Everything. I guess I got the taste. By 16 I was a regular smoker, and I certainly wasn't a stranger to alcohol. My family? Back of my mind. Coming from a strong christian upbringing, i was breaking free... and in all the wrong ways. At 17 I got myself a really good job in the town over from mine. I got on really well with the people I worked with, and soon moved in with a workmate, sleeping on a mattress in the living room for 3 months. Chain smoking, smoking pot, and drinking was a daily occurance. Not long after my 18th birthday I moved into my first official flat. I was living with a girl. Lets call her "Sarah"... She seemed pretty cool, and in fact we got on like a house on fire. All her friends were straight away my friends, and I even began to call her mother "mum". Unfortunately the financial pressures of having a big house for just the two of us started to kick in and we decided to find another flatmate. A guy moved into the two bedroom sleepout outside, lets call him "Joe". He was straight. I mean so straight, I actually thing he might have been gay. His parents were rich, and constantly gave him everything he needed. I soon found out that "Joe" like "Sarah" was BiPolar. Neither of them felt like having a job, so both of them spunged off the government. It was alright to start with. I would get up at 6, be at work at 7, finish work at 5, and have tea, and go to bed. On the weekends we would get on the piss, and go out town. We started having parties. The parties were epic. To start with. They wen't downhill. The people got seedier and seedier, there were burns all over the carpets, from dropping spotting knives, the ceilings, once white, were now kind of brown from all the smoking, and there was rubbish everywhere, and there was NOTHING I could do about it. Of course during this time I had met "David". It all came to a head when "Sarah" got particularly mental and I announced I was moving out. She went bitchy on me and psycho, and I hurriedly moved in with "David". BAD MOVE!. Everything was fine in the start. I lived with him, and in the house also lived his sister and her fiancee, and a friend of theirs. We all got on really well, and we all liked each other, and we had some amazing parties. Unlike parties at my old flat, the property was never damaged. There was no drugs, and there was no fights. It was great. Unfortunately I had got really sick, and lost my job, and was regularly having seizures. This i know put a lot of stress on "David". He got his dream job back in the town I had just moved from, and we moved back. We moved into a flat with two girls that just seemed awesome when we met them. Turns out its because they were drugged up to their gills. It gets worse. Not only did they do every drug known to man, but the dealt half of it as well. We had parties. (come to think of it now, our partying was probably half the problem). The night never ended well, and within a couple of months, after only a year and a bit together, "david" and I broke up, caused, in part, by "Sarah", who I had tried to be-friend once again, who aparently was more interested in "david" than me. The day we broke up my best friend moved me into her house. Me and my cat Kiera, who I had gotten just after I moved in with "david" thrived in the new environment, and despite being heartbroken, and regularly taking way to many sleeping pills with wine, Things started to look up. I was going out 4 nights a week, getting home trashed at 4am, sleeping til 3pm, and starting all over again. I was still sick, but i was improving. Christmas came and "David" and I started talking. we had both come to the decision that there was nobody else and on new years we got back together. at the same time I was well enough to start work, and i started looking for a job. Unfortunately my relationship with my best friend was deteriorating due to our rediculously different personalities constantly being shoved together, so I also started to look for a new place to live. I got a job and moved out in the same week. I moved in with an older lady. I decided that if I wanted a more relaxed situation, then I would need to live with someone more mature. Not long after I moved in she announced she was a lesbian and her partner was moving in. I was slightly weirded out, but I was alright with it. Drugs re-rared their ugly head. The partner was a heavy pot smoker. Well I don't know why, but one day, six months later, the partner decided she didn't like me living there, and the lady asked me to move out. So i looked, and advertised for something LONG TERM. I was sick of moving. I was sick of uprooting my cat! Every time she got comfortable in a situation we would be moved on. I found a place. It seemed nice. The guy was lovely, he had four daughters, and it was an enormous old house. I had my own entrance, my own carpark, my own bathroom/toilet, and the kitchen was right outside my bedroom. It wasn't to be. First of all the girlfriend turned out to be psycho, and came to me in the middle of night whenever they two of them had a fight, and the kids turned out to be demons!. They would use my toilet, and not flush it, and use all my shampoo, conditioner, bodywash etc. And once again, he constantly smoked weed. When he started being awful to my cat, then I started getting uncomfortable, and it got to the stage where I was sneaking out first thing in the morning before anyone got up, and coming home extremely late at night when I was sure they were all in bed. I was terrified of seeing him. I was terrified that something would happen to my cat, and I was exhausted. For three months. My best friend and her mother came to me and asked me to move back in. They love me, they trust me, and they hated their new flatmate. They were going away for 9 months and didn't trust him not to steal everything. So i moved in, and they left. A few weeks later he moved out. A couple of weeks later, i got a new kitten. Now my life is good. I live alone. I have my cat and kitten to keep each other company when I'm working, and I see "david" regularly. I don't have to clean up after anyone, hide when people come to the door, or pay other peoples bills. Finally. I'm in a place where I don't need to be ashamed. And "david" and I are celebrating our 3 YEAR anniversary next week.  |
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| Everything has been crazy lately. It seems almost impossible that its been a year since my dad passed. Some days are normal and some days it seems like my brain will explode! I am so emotional lately I start crying over little things. I get irritated over nothing, and not sleeping well. Anyway long story short I decides that it was stuff I could no longer deal with myself and went to the local Lutheran which offers free counciling and talked to lady. I am on a waiting list and have to wait for another appointment I am super nervous and yet mildly excited at the same time. It's hard. I hate asking people for help and I don't like talking to strangers. But its been a long time since I've had someone to talk to that was not judging me based on what they wanted for.me. God I hope they get space soon. I completely understand that there are people out there that need help sooner than me I am just nervous and impatient. I worry about everything too much... including worrying too much. Oh well I'll survive. Hopefully. Just kidding. Well time to try and sleep now that I've mildly calmed the tornado of my mind. B-dee, b-dee, b-dee that's all folks! |
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My analyst told me that I was right out of my head The way he described it, he said I'd be better dead than live I didn't listen to his jive I knew all along he was all wrong And I knew that he thought I was crazy but I'm not Oh no! My analyst told me that I was right out of my head He said I'd need treatment but I'm not that easily led He said I was the type that was most inclined When out of his sight to be out of my mind And he thought I was nuts, no more ifs or ands or buts Oh no! They say as a child I appeared a little bit wild With all my crazy ideas But I knew what was happenin', I knew I was a genius What's so strange when you know that you're a wizard at three? I knew that this was meant to be Well I heard little children were supposed to sleep tight That's why I drank a fifth of vodka one night My parents got frantic, didn't know what to do But I saw some crazy scenes before I came to Now do you think I was crazy? I may have been only three but I was swingin' They all laughed at angry young men They all laughed at Edison and also at Einstein So why should I feel sorry if they just couldn't understand The litany and the logic that went on in my head? I had a brain, it was insane Oh they used to laugh at me When I refused to ride on all those double decker buses All because there was no driver on the top My analyst told me that I was right out of my head The way he described it, he said I'd be better dead than live I didn't listen to his jive I knew all along he was all wrong And I knew that he thought I was crazy but I'm not Oh no! My analyst told me that I was right out of my head But I said "Dear doctor, I think that it's you instead 'Cause I have got a thing that's unique and new It proves that I'll have the last laugh on you 'Cause instead of one head... I got two And you know two heads are better than one" |
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Nov 30, 2009!!! I'm going to see the Pixies in Washington, D. C. I have already planned out the air/hotel :-D I just have to buy the tickets Sept 11!! |
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"You will be successful through innovation and determination." That was my fortune for today. I have been innovative in making money (back) today. I should receive a refund of about 140 dollars in the next seven days.
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I heard this song and I didn't know why I lvoed it so much at first. Then I looked up the lyrics and realized I probably couldnt have writted the feelngs any better myself. But it's how I feel most days... "I don't wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest Or the girl who never wants to be alone I don't wanna be that call at four o'clock in the mornin' 'Cause I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home Ah, the sun is blindin' I stayed up again Oh, I am findin' That's not the way I want my story to end I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me But why do I feel this party's over? No pain inside, you're my protection But how do I feel this good sober? I don't wanna be the girl that has to fill the silence The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth Please don't tell me that we had that conversation 'Cause I won't remember, save your breath 'Cause what's the use? Ah, the night is callin' And it whispers to me softly, "Come and play" But I, I am fallin' And if I let myself go I'm the only one to blame I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me But why do I feel this party's over? No pain inside, you're like perfection But how do I feel this good sober? Comin' down, comin' down, comin' down Spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round I'm lookin' for myself, sober Comin' down, comin' down, comin' down Spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round Lookin' for myself, sober When it's good, then it's good, it's so good 'til it goes bad 'Til you're trying to find the you that you once had I have heard myself cry 'never again' Broken down in agony, just tryin' find a friend, oh, oh I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me But why do I feel this party's over? No pain inside, you're like perfection But how do I feel this good sober? I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me But why do I feel this party's over? No pain inside, you're like perfection But how do I feel this good sober?" |
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Much time has passed, and many things have happened since I last wrote in my blog. I have a different position where I work. I think I'll like it so much better than my other. My old boss was..well...I had to get away from her. She's not "boss" material and was just given the job. They're regretting it now! haha |
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| My father passed away like...3... days ago... wow only three I can't believe it, it feels infinitely longer and at the same time shorter than that. I have only broke down once so far, thank god, but I just know it's coming. I am numb right now I am sure this entry will come off very blah for such a horrible event but I just can't seem to let myself feel much because as soon as I do I will loose it. I can't afford to lose it right now because we have to do the funeral and the caskets and all of that still. I am not the oldest it is not technically my job to do those things but I can't leave my sister to do it all her self, she needs help and she needs someone to be there for her as much if not, honestly, more than we do. There is a lot on her shoulders right now and I hope I have helped relieve that in some small way. My younger brother scares me we almost lost him last year, and he's on meds for depression and he hasn't cried or really got upset at all. I am hoping he is just sticking it out and trying to stay strong like the rest of us but eventually I know he has to let it out. I don't know why I am telling you guys all of this I believe it's because I have been camping at my sisters for a few days so I have none of my writing stuff and I need a release. When there is too much on my mind I can't sleep and I would really like to so sometimes if I write it helps relieve that. I am rambling I know but I know that once I lay down to sleep I will start thinking again. During the day we have lots to do so i can kind of just sit back and auto pilot myself but at night there are no distractions from my thoughts and usually they crush me the most. I was supposed to be on the way to my friends wedding when I found out I was the maid of honor.... I feel bad because I had to leave, I had to be here and she says she understands.... I really think and hope so... I owe her SO SO much. I finally got to see my brother Johnny again it has been years that was also great and I made sure to get solid contact info this time because I don't want to lose him again and when he wants to be lost he's pretty slippery. Well I guess that's it my eye lids feel like there covered in cement... lets hope this sleep thing works huh... ok well bye! |
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broknangel
Amazing Feb 3rd, 2009 7:33:57 pm - Subscribe
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Far beneath the encasing of ashes, Bleeding red, Still showing signs of life, Remove the darkness, Take me away. Just....Beautiful <3 |
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broknangel
Love Conquers All Jan 6th, 2009 11:16:55 pm - Subscribe
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Love Conquers All Around a year and a half ago i met a guy. We were like instant best friends, and within a month of meeting, we were boyfriend and girlfriend. 6 months down the track we were so serious about each other that we moved in together. Life was oh so good. I was in love, and he loved me. We had our fights, we certainly weren't perfect, but we loved each other. His family never liked me. He told me not to worry, that they never liked any of his girlfriends, that they just always put his girlfriends down because they were never good enough, but that he loved me and that was all that mattered. I accepted that. They were nice to my face, and that was all i asked for. Well eventually we moved to a new town because of a job he got, and i started study. Money was tighter and we started having more arguments. He started working more, and spending less time at home, and his social life got busier, and i was included less and less. I spoke to him about it a few times, but it was a hard subject, which we both had trouble talking about, and it would always end up unfinished. Eventually, all the stress and pressure and arguments started to form a crack in the relationship and four months ago we broke up. He made up a story about cheating on me, because he was afraid i didnt love him anymore, and wanted to give me an easy out. I was heartbroken. I started drinking all the time, and taking sleeping pills night and day. i would sleep, and drink, and sleep more. I would go out four times a week and drink til the pub closed, and then come home and take sleeping pills. After a couple of months he emailed me and tried to explain how sorry he was, and the truth of why he did what he did. How much he was hurting. But by this point my anger had hit. I didnt want to hear a word he was saying. He gave up. A week before christmas we started talking again. I decided that since i still loved him, and he was such an amazing person, i wanted to be his friend. He invited me to have coffee with him, saying he missed talking to me, and he wanted to salavage our friendship. I was so happy to hear it. We spent a couple of hours chatting, and it made me feel so much better to know that we could be friends again. So we hung out a few more times. Then we had a massive argument, because he talked about wanting me back, but i got the wrong idea by it and got angry, and everything was all misunderstood. Then we had a breakthrough. Thats when we finally admitted that we still loved each other, and after some tears, and a whole lot of talking, we decided that we were going to give things another go. So we have started from scratch. We've never been closer or more in love, and I've never been happier Omnia Vincit Amore Love Conquers All |
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Last Monday I had two biopsies performed - one on my face and one on my back. The results came back today when I had the one, cute, little stitch removed from my face The face biopsy was normal. The back biopsy was in the medium range for abnormalities. They did another *small* surgery today on my back. Now I have a sideways eye-shaped, stitched-up cut on my back. Argh!! I have to deal with stitches again now :-/ I will get my results back next week and have my stitches removed in two weeks. I'm not worried, it's just a bit of a nuissance because it's in the upper middle of my back where I cannot reach without much trouble. I may have to recruit someone to change my bandage for me. haha My back is itching...an unscratchable itch lol |
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How can I still love something that has broken my heart so thouroghly How come I am never enough Why aren't my blood, sweat, time, tears, smiles, laughs, hopes and fears not enough for anyone I gave up my heart My passion My personality My peace My family My friends My safety My security and my home and jumped out on a tiny limb praying you could catch me if I fell your arms are strong enough your shoulders broad enough your heart big enough your mind clear enough and yet you dropped me again how can I love you if I cannot trust you how can you hear anyone talk when your screaming so loud will I ever be strong enough to keep you from bringing me down I should have listened to my heart I new you were all the same I new you would be just like him but am I all to blame for I may be the fool who fell for your lies but in the end your going to lose your own game |
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"...learn not to close your heart and mind in grief. Allow life to replenish you. When sorrow comes it seems impossible - but new joys wait to fill the void." I thought I was going to lose one of the most important people in my life not even a week ago. I am still scared everyday that I still could. It wasn't an accident it was a choice and one that could easily be made again that's what scares me so damn much! I found this quote a few days after the incident and I have to say that I agree. I couldn't just sit and bawl and worry I worked and cleaned and did everything I could to fill my head with the stupid comings and goings of my day to day life. The people in my life were great they did everything they could to help me and so much more. I will never forget them as long as I live. I will never forget how they were there for me. I love them all so much and I don't ever know how I could repay them. |
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Sheldon Construction has been installing the sewer in my neighborhood. I'm sure they do an excellent job, but they leave destruction in their wake. Over the span of two weeks, this is what occured: 1. Early one morning Sheldon Const. cut my cable line in two. (The cable company later tried to charge me two service fees because they didn't make good notes on the problem) 2. A few days later, Sheldon Const. hit a water line. When I came home, I had air/mud in my lines for several hours. I probably have some leaks now although I'm not yet aware. 3. A few days after that, Sheldon Const. knocked out the power to eight homes in my area. 4. Two days later nature (NOT Sheldon Const) happened upon my house. I was on my bed when I saw lightning strike my house seven feet away at my window. My phone/internet was knocked out for 2 1/2 days. 5. Five days after the lightning strike, Sheldon visited me again. I came home Thursday night to find my cable line had been ripped off my house! haha Cable came out on the 4th of July and fixed it. I only have one untouched utility: GAS Let's hope nothing happens there...we would not want that
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| I have had an interesting day running into an old friend who I am now chatting with. I didn't realize I missed this friend so much, or rather the side of myself that person brings out in me. I really enjoy our conversations, though they tend to float a lot between several topics. It amuses me. I couldn't wait to get online and see if my friend was there. I think that is part of the reason I miss certain people so much and avoid others even more because they each bring out a different part of me and some of them I enjoy more than others. Some I have to play or change to make fit there standards and that really grates on my nervous system after a time. I feel as if I can kind of, let a certain, often smothered part of me breathe around this person and it feels good to stretch my lungs. Well that is all I will ramble for the moment. Until later. Bye |
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I got a Holter Monitor put on yesterday. I have to wear it for 24 hours. I can take it off today at 2:13 PM I hope it caught my heart doing crazy stuff! I do NOT want to have to wear this monitor again. It was only for 24 hours, but it was a real pain. I couldn't sleep well because I was worrying about it all night lol |