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It's been a while since I've posted, but it wasn't for lack of resources. I just forgot to keep up to date with what was going on. I suppose I hardly update my Aeonity anymore because my friends are no longer reading it like they used to. And in the end I guess that I don't usually like writing things that people aren't reading. [That makes me a bit of an attention whore, doesn't it? Oh well.] My father's boss begged him to come back to work, so my father got his job back about 4 days after he quit. Which was great for the family. And he got some of his problems fixed with his boss. So he likely won't pull another stupid stunt like quitting again. I've been busy with work. When I'm not working I'm talking to Nicole or sleeping. I've been so tired lately. All I want to do is sleep. x_x It's awful. |
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My father quit his job yesterday. Money is going to be tight with only my mom bringing in an income between my parents. I have my own money to buy my clothes and stuff like that, but our family just won't have much money until my dad gets another job. He did it so close to Christmas, the budget is going to be tight for the holiday season. It's hard, I guess. We may not have a Christmas. I'm furious at my father for quitting on an impulse. And now that he's thinking about it, he's begun to realize that he really fucked up. But that won't take away the fact that he quit. He can't take that back. He had a good reason to quit, I know that, but he should have thought about all the consequences before he quit his job. And my brother is depressed right now, or sick. Or something. I just don't know. He's hardly eating and all he does is sleep now. I don't know what do to about him and neither does my mom. There's so much stress right now. And my father might start complaining about wanting to move to Louisiana. There's no way that my mom, brother, and I are moving. So my mom started looking into apartments, so in case my dad starts being an ass we can leave him and move into an apartment. I don't know how things will turn out. |
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Apologies in advance for this entry being all over the place. I'm at work now and I'm feeling... Eh. Exhausted? That's not the word I'm looking for. Detached? Uninterested? Unresponsive? I don't know. I feel like a shell that's just cranking out work by instinct alone. Maybe I feel slightly mechanical? Maybe it's the medicine making me feel this way - holding me back from the brink of sleep. When I took the Sudafed last night, I was tired. Ten minutes after I took it, I was wide awake and wired until 4 something morning. And what little sleep I finally did get was full of tossing back and forth and strange dreams that I was somehow slightly awake for. I can't explain it. I felt almost delirious while I was sleeping. Maybe I had a fever? I just don't know. I don't want to think. I think I'll stay away from Sudafed after this. Just to be safe, since it could be causing this strange state of being. It can't just be lack of sleep. I feel nauseous. And that word doesn't look like it's spelled correctly, but it is. The office is cold - freezing. I wish I'd dressed in layers. My fingers ache from the cold in their joints. Heh, I sound like and olby whining like this. I'm glad that Nicole doesn't mind my whining. I really am. She makes me so happy, really - she's so sweet to me. I sometimes feel as though life wouldn't be kind enough to give me such good fortune. But maybe I did something right to deserve Nicole. Just maybe. And I'm so glad that she likes me. It would have been awkward if she hadn't. One-sided crushes are never a fun thing, honestly. I know that I would have eventually given up if she hadn't felt the same towards me. But as it turns out, I was lucky in liking her and confessing. She never would have made the first move, so it's good that I have a little more initiative than her in some things. What all is there to stay? Nicole is simply... One of the best things that has happened to me in a long time. I don't want to get sappy about it, but I really feel so lucky to have met her. Gaia will always hold importance for me because of that. If not for Gaia and its silly events, I never would have met and talked to her. I'm a lucky cunt that she decided to come back and post in my thread after having left it. I at first figured she was just a "post and leave" kind of person. And at the time, she was. But she came back a while later. Good thing, too. <3 Something about her made me want to stop being whimsical about relationships. My mother, who is opposed to my being a lesbian, even seems to like Nicole. She doesn't fight me on the subject. She doesn't scoff or roll her eyes when I smile and giggle and get giddy about Nicole. She teases me about it, which means she must be somewhat comfortable. All I can hope for is that my mom will gradually accept me for who and what I am, and accept Nicole as the person that I am 100% interested in right now. That's the best that I can hope for. I've already asked so much of her by coming out. I'm sorry that this entry is probably getting pretty long, or going to get pretty long. But I need to keep my mind working so that I'm not just going through the day without really thinking. I'll make mistakes on my work, and I can't afford those. I think coffee is helping me stay awake. And I ate lunch, so that definitely helped to give me a boost of energy. I'm not in such a weird mood now, which is definitely a good thing. I'm talking to one of Nicole's friends that she introduced me to. ^^ I'm really excited, because she approves of me for Nicole and everything. x3 Always exciting to get that kind of thing. And I'm waiting for Nicole to get on. o: Haven't seen her yet - she's probably still sleeping. Eck. I'm starting to lose my voice. D: Sucks so bad. Hopefully it'll get better before it gets worse. Hopefully. Just two more hours of work. Thank everything that is good and wonderful. <3 Now that I'm somewhat back to my normal self, my work is becoming tiresome. And I have a headache but no medicine to take for it. I need to carry my Excedrin around for times like these. I think... My eyesight is a little whacked, now. Xx I keep seeing pink in my letters, amidst the black font. Weird. Eck. I need sleep. Eeeee. Nicole is online. ^^ So I'm going to draw this entry to a close so that I can talk to her and stuff. |
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I started getting sick two days ago. With what, I'm not sure, but I'm gathering from the symptoms that it's just a common cold. I didn't feel too bad on Wednesday, but it's been going downhill from there. Today I woke up feeling magnificently awful. I stayed home from work yesterday in hopes that by sleeping a lot I'd get better quicker. I wish I'd known that I'd feel worse today. I would have waited to take off. I took some 24-hour Sudafed thing which isn't working. But because it'll be in my system until midnight, I can't take anything else for the symptoms for fear of mixing meds that shouldn't be mixed. I hate being sick. I really don't like it. I have to go to work now, though. I've only had 4 hours of sleep, so I'll probably drink coffee today. |
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Due to decisions made by Nicole's parents, I won't be getting to see her until the summer. I was hoping for a December visit, but neither of her parents felt comfortable with it. Nor did my mother, for that matter. Her parents still haven't given a final okay on my being able to come. But I hope that they cave and let me come to visit. It means so much to me. And to Nicole. I know she's upset about it, and although I know it's probably better that we wait a while longer, I want her to be happy. But that would mean I need to be there. But I can't yet. And just... It's difficult to see her sad and not be able to remedy the reason for it. All I can do is just try to make her smile and put her in a good mood. Feeling so helpless is weird for me. I'm not used to it. I suppose it comes from the distance between Nicole and myself. It's hard not to be able to see her face to face every day. I want to be able to so desperately. I've never been so willing to wait on someone. It's crazy. It's not logical. But for some reason I can't keep myself from doing it. I care about her so much. |
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Brandon S. Elam passed on last night at 11:37. He was a boy I went to school with. He had cancer, and he's been fighting it as long as he possibly could. Just sixteen years old and now he's gone. I want to say that life is so, so unfair. But I think that Brandon lived a much fuller life than I could ever imagine living. I saw him once or twice, and the times that I did he was more cheerful and optimistic than anyone I'd ever met before. To be so happy and know that you're going to die too young... That takes more courage and strength than I think most people can even hope of having. We try so hard not to die, sometimes we forget to appreciate life. Brandon didn't forget that, I don't think. There are so many things I wish I could say, but right now I'm just too upset to form the right words. His death just reinforces the fact that life can take people at such young ages. It scares me. Last year Brandon Withers died - only seventeen, and now Brandon Elam who's been fighting cancer for three years - who was only sixteen when he died. I can't think of anything else to say. The tears just won't stop flowing for a boy that I hardly knew. I'm glad that he's in a better place now. I'm glad he no longer has to feel pain. But he will always be remember for his vigorous fight against his disease. He will forever be revered by those who knew him at Porter Ridge. He fought a wonderful battle, and now he's chilling with angels as his reward. Or something like that. ♥ R.I.P. Brandon S. Elam ♥ |
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I don't know where I want to go to college yet. I need to figure it out soon. I need to call about Financial Aid, to see how much money I can borrow for college. Bleah. I'm retaking the SAT in November or December. Somewhere around there. Here are my school options. University of North Carolina - Charlotte University of Alaska - Anchorage Central Piedmont Community College I really want to go to UAA, but it's expensive going there if you're out of state. I need to see how much they'll cover for me per semester that I can pay back when I graduate. Community College would honestly be my best option. It's cheapest, and I can still work a lot. I just want to move out and be on my own. I don't know what I'm going to do yet. Hopefully I'll have it figured out by sometime in October. I want to go see Nicole. >: |
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I feel completely and utterly hopeless as of a few days ago. I haven't gotten the butterfly effect in my stomach since Junior year of high school with Holly, my ex. I've been so happy being free and boundless of commitment. I haven't wanted to tie myself down in such a long time, before I even dated Holly. I've been whimsical and flighty with relationships, never wanting to stay confined to them. But for the first time in years, I want to make a commitment to someone. I want to be tied down to one person. I don't want to run away from a relationship. I realized it a few days ago, when my mother mentioned to me that every time I talked to my friend Nicole, I was all smiles and never a frown. I was told I was practically glowing. I'm such an easy read when I crush for someone. I like her so much. It's not love yet. It's too early for that. But it's enough of a basis for a relationship. My feelings aren't one-sided. I confessed to her a day or so ago, because I felt wrong not telling her. What kind of friend would I be to not reveal such a crucial truth? She told me that if we lived closer to each other, she would definitely want to take the risk of forming a relationship with me. But therein lies our biggest obstacle. She lives in Alaska. I live in North Carolina. That's nearly 4500 miles. To get there by car, it would take roughly 75 to 76 hours. She doesn't want to put me through the pain of long distance. I don't want to put her through the pain of long distance. What is there to do when you and a person care for each other? There a planes that go between, but it would be expensive to do that. I'm feeling hopeless. --- It's been a short forever since I posted on Aeonity. I forgot about it during school, once it was blocked via to the servers. A lot has happened since then. I came to the realization that I'm not bi, but rather completely and totally gay. I came out to my brother and mom. I came out to my school. I graduated. I didn't enter into college with everyone else I knew. I'm waiting until January. I've got a job, and I'm working full time. I fell out with Emily. We are no longer friends. I didn't move out of my house after graduation. I miss Jane since she went off to college. I met Nicole, and we hit it off so well. That's it, in a nutshell. For those who don't know me, and those who don't remember, my introduction is in my profile. ~Jellyfish. |
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I'm having a really hard time getting into the second semester. I mean, it should be easy and everything. Except for the fact that the school put me in Parenting and Child Development. I never asked to be put in the class, and at first only agreed to it because I wasn't aware that I'd be force to carry around a stupid fake baby. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE children. I can't wait to become a teacher for elementary school. However, there is a huge difference between a real child and a baby with batteries. I have a natural urge to feed a baby when it's hungry, change it when it's dirty, and provide it with all the love it needs. I wouldn't do such things for a fake baby. Because they don't require nourishment. And I don't have any natural urge to do it. Besides. I'm a big ol' bitch who doesn't want to be woken up in the middle of the night by a crying plastic doll. I don't plan on getting pregnant any time soon. I don't need to take a class on what happens if I do. -_- Ugh. Stupid. Useless. School. Oh, and my English teacher seems to think we're elementary and middle schoolers who obviously need to draw pictures to depict our vocabulary. Because that's totally going to help us remember. Ugh. I need to get all of my make up work done. I took Friday off because I was exhausted and couldn't get any quality sleep until the middle of the day. Thursday was a snow day. So I kind of had a four day weekend. Which was pretty nice. I'm not looking forward to classes again. Feh. Anyway. I'll wrap this entry up, since I'll be headed to school in a few minutes. I'll try to update again. |
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Because of school being cancelled on Thursday, I haven't had to take my Latin and Psychology exams. Yesterday I took my Computer Apps I exam and my Forensics exam. I'm sure that I passed Computer Apps with an easy A. I made an 85 on my Forensics exam, which is understandable considering while I was studying I got side-tracked into drawing cute shoujo-ai. X3~ Oh. And I'm pissed at my ex-boyfriend. He is SUCH a fucking douchebag. |
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I have exams tomorrow. I'm really nervous about taking my Latin II exam, as I am nearly positive that I'm going to do badly on it. @__@ I'm sure that I'll do fine on my Psychology exam, and I'm not worried at all about that one. |
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It's a pretty big step in my life, but there is a time when everyone must become independent, and I'm planning on doing so after I graduate from high school. I'm becoming independent from my parents, and I am going to be living with two of my friends. Emily and Tyler. We looked at apartments earlier today, or yesterday [since it's 12:13 AM now]. We found one complex that we really liked, and we're going to try renting one of its apartments in June. With the cost split between three of us, we should be able to manage. We will all have jobs hopefully by the end of this week so that we can start saving up for the apartment. I need to start saving up for a car as well, and hopefully I can find a nice deal on one. Honestly, I'm more excited than I am nervous. I mean, think when I actually move out I'll end up crying hysterically because I love my mother and brother to death. But I'll only be living twenty minutes away, so I can always visit. The atmosphere between my mother and me is a little tense at the moment. My brother thinks I'm an idiot for moving out so soon. It's frustrating, but I really think that I can do it. I think that I'm ready for the responsibility. I think I'll make a list of things that I need: Job [Full-time during summer] College Acceptance Car [cheap] License Pet Fee [for big ol' Lynx] Sense of direction [XD;] Furniture Mobile phone And other stuff. I'm tired now, and don't feel like listing everything off. x.x |
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I. LOVE. FAKIR/AHIRU FROM PRINCESS TUTU. One of the FEW hetero couples that I actually prefer to the homo couples in an anime. I mean, I just don't like Fakir/Mytho. It's a rivalship. And I hate those. Seriously. I've over 40 videos of Fakir/Ahiru favourited on YouTube. That's a hell of whole lot. Oh. I got my hair cut today too. But that is unimportant and irrelevant. XD |
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My friends downloaded a yaoi game without me. WITHOUT ME. I'm so upset at them. DX Not really, but I do wish that I had been there. |
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I'm annoyed. My father is drunk. The scent of booze is just pouring off of him. He can't talk straight. He slurs his words. I hate him when he isn't drunk. But I LOATHE him when he is drunk. I can't stand him. And I can't stand the fact that he comes upstairs and tries to hold a conversation with my mom and I when we CLEARLY don't want to talk to him because he's piss-ass drunk. Ugh. Maybe you think I'm over-reacting. Maybe you think I'm being over-dramatic. However, I can't STAND people that get drunk. I hope he gets sick and has a hangover. Maybe then he'll STOP drinking. And maybe he'll stop smoking. The son of a bitch made it his New Year's Resolution to stop smoking. Lying fucking douche. |
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I. HATE. MY. SCHOOL. >O They re-blocked Aeonity. So now I can't post at school. AGAIN. UGH. It makes me so freaking mad and angry. I hate high school. I can't wait to graduate. [/end short rant spiel] |
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I'm in a delightfully wonderful mood today, though I feel I might have annoyed Emily a little with my persistence on reading Il gatto sul G first. As it is, I feel it's only fair that I be allowed to read it first. For several reasons. I. I missed getting to see Jane open her present from Jess, which is how she got Il gatto sul G in the first place. II. I read much faster than both Emily and Jane, and will probably have it finished within the day, if not before school ends. III. I'm a bitch and I said I wanted to read it first. All perfectly grand reasons, if I do say so myself. >__> I actually just finished reading the lovely Il gatto sul G. It was quite... Interesting. And delicious. It's like... A love square. >D That's awesome. I want to read the next one now D: -rolls- |
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FINALLY! Back to my glorious and wonderful blog of pure GORGEOUS. >D Now that I can post in it at school again, I'll be sure to post on a daily basis so as not to abandon it again. Which means Emily and Jane should start posting again. >_> So I have something to read at school. Cause, you know... That would make me feel so much better and everything. I'm just in such a good mood today. >D My day has been absolutely wonderful thus far. And I get to watch the Beyblade movie later today. =D It's going to be so exciting. I can't wait! My happiness today at being able to post on my Aeonity makes the coldness of outside not as bad to bear. ;o; -sob- It's so emotional. |
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I AM UNABLE TO SLEEP. Gahh. I was so tired earlier. I fell asleep at Jane's house for about an hour, and now I can't get to sleep again. That really pisses me off. Because I'm freaking EXHAUSTED. I want to sleep so bad that I could cry right now at my inability to. Mourir, to your comment, I have but one response. My bitch instinct makes me want to beat my cousins senseless. My uncle and the guy living with him both got jobs. So they'll be working and making money. But of course, Diane hasn't gotten off her lazy ass to find a job. Oh fuck no. She just wants to be pampered. The lazy bitch. ROAR. I'm too tired to really rant right now. I mainly posted to hopefully tire myself out more and to keep this thing updated. |
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Mood: TIREDASHELL Yaoi Fix: "I realized that you're not looking... At me." - Kazaki/Wataru~ <3 |
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It's about damn time that I posted in my blog. I pretty much forgot about it, and in the process missed entries that my friends made. I love you guys. -huggles Mali and Mourir- ;o; Sorry I abandoned our clique blogs. Anyhow. Onto the rant that is bound to come with a post on this blog. My cousins [who I'm not even fucking related to yet] are so, so STUPID. THEY ARE IDIOTS. Thank all that is good I don't share a blood-relationship with them. They claim that my Uncle's moving to this state ruined everything for them. They have decided to give up, because it's all my Uncle's fault that they are here in the first place. Jessie, who is in the sixth grade, skipped school today without the knowledge of her parents. She was caught by my Uncle, and is now grounded. Anthony, who has started the most important schooling of his life--high school, has just given up on trying. He's making straight F's. He claims his teachers don't like them, no matter the fact that they are busting their asses to find a way to grade him on things that he likes to do. They are both fucking idiots. They are selfish brats that are too immature to understand anything. The next time I accompany my mother to my Uncle's apartment, I think that I will bitch both of them out. Where the hell do they get off thinking that giving up is the right thing to do? If I was in their situation, I'd be working my ass off trying to be better, trying to get out of the situation they are living in. I'd prove to everyone that just because you come from a struggling family doesn't mean that you'll always be struggling. At this rate, they are going to end up just like their good-for-nothing, waste-of-space, drug-addict mother. Lazy, without a job, and relying on the government. They aren't making anything of themselves, and that pisses me the fuck off. And they think that they are better than everyone else. They are WORTHLESS to the economy. They are WORTHLESS in grand scheme of things. They are wasting the air that I breathe. If they can't bother to help themselves and work for their right to survive, then they don't deserve the priveledge of living. I am sick and fucking tired of people living off the government and doing NOTHING for themselves. Since when did anyone owe them that? How the fuck can they act like they are so wonderful when they are jobless, lazy fucktards? Since when did that make you a good person? Some people are born into wealth. Others are unfortunate enough to be born into poverty. But you don't always necessarily stay in whatever category you were born in. People can change. People can work for their money, and end up rich by sheer dedication alone. But does my Uncle's family do that? Fuck no. The only one trying in that family right now is my Uncle, who is trying to get a job. And Dalton's too young to know any better, but he's smart enough not to give up like his stupid half-siblings. UGH. UGH. UGH. WHY ARE THEY IDIOTS! WHY DO THEY PISS ME OFF SO MUCH! |