how does the script read
Date: Jan 11th, 2009 10:11:03 pm - Subscribe
Mood: humbled

soo... life... snow... time... pain... all things I'm feeling right now in this moment... and while I stare at the GMAT prep book beside me that I AM going to crack tonight I can't help being reminiscent...

tonight I was looking through Blake Dews photos... such an artist... such vision... then I think about my life and the things that I feel I've missed out on... sure I have two degrees down and he has barely a art degree and is now working somewhere in upstate NY at a framery... but his life is filled with crazy nights, crazy friends and memorable experiences...

I suppose I have those things as well but I sometimes envy those that threw caution to the wind and were a bit careless with themselves and others... I never want to hurt someone intentionally which is where I think the line is drawn from Blake's experiences and my own. but I do think that because of the decisions I have made I have missed out on some valuable experiences...

but I am an artist myself I suppose and what I have done in my life few have been able to accomplish at the same level and definitely with the same outcome... everyone's lives are different and that's how it always will and should be... I shouldn't think about the past or others as much as I do... I know that much.

moving on... so I was a little pissed today when I went to Cambridge to get my gold bar put in and much to my frustration was told that I would have to at least wait another month for my ear to heal properly... I'm starting to wish that they would have just put the barbell in when I first had the piercing done...

my staff are back and ready to go! I've come into this semester with a fresh outlook, an experienced outlook and a more positive outlook. I really hope to achieve a lot this semester both with my staff and with the students in my community. I know it's going to take a lot of hard work and effort on my part but the result is what I want and I want it to meet my expectations and that is certainly possible!

some students have come back but not many... so tomorrow is back to the work week... back to the future if you will... progressively working to build and make a difference. I also need to focus on myself personally and just as hard as I work at my job, I should also work hard at achieving my personal goals and my personal expectations which is also equally easy to do with effort.

first things first is my body... I'm not happy with it and I can fix that! I just need to obviously be disciplined and honest with myself. it's also all about being more reliant on the number one person in my life...myself! happy.gif God is number one one... but physical wise... myself wink.gif

I really think that I'm making a change for the better here and this past month or two I've had a lot of time to self reflect. I've gone through a lot of experiences since being up here in Boston that have really started to shape me as a person and have really had a profound influence on me! and for that I am very grateful.

my mind is in all kinds of directions right now which is truly exciting...but I think I need to start to slow it down now and focus on one thing at a time to achieve everything. patience... that is a virtue that no doubt I am coming to terms with and over the next few months will have a better appreciation for and a better understanding of.

I can't think of a better quote to end on even though it's very cheesy! happy.gif "life's a dance you learn as you go, sometimes you lead sometimes you follow. don't worry about what you don't know. life's a dance, you learn as you go..."
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I know I have to change
Date: Jan 4th, 2009 10:46:41 am - Subscribe
Mood: pained

Jesus take the wheel! I've really got to make a change...I need to be nice to myself and be my true best friend... I really want to have a good relationship with myself.

This whole ordeal with Ken is teaching me a lot... It's really hurtful, painful lessons but it's experience and that's what I seem to need right now in my life... I need to stand on my own and be happy with that. I've yet to find a man that can make me happy... Only men that are ok with hurting me and causing me immense pain.

I need to let go of Ken, let him make one of the biggest mistakes in his life. Once I let him go though I don't need to look back... I need to own it, accept it and move on... Because he was a mistake...he was something that I never should have begun... And it needs to be buried and forgotten.

It's probably not a good idea for him to come over today but this will be the last time I see him I feel and I need to be ok with that. Whatever and where his life takes him, I wish him the best... But I also hope that this mistake that he's making stays in his memory forever and that one day he will truly understand what a loss he has afforded to himself.

I don't need to harbor any hatred though or any anger... I need to let it go and know that my life will move on and I will someday have happiness and it will be because he and his memory are not in my life or mind. I need to focus on moving on and forgetting him and the hurt that he knew and didn't care that he caused me.

Life is a rocky fucking mountain and I seem to be hitting all the rough edges... Constantly losing my grip and footing, falling back to places I had left long ago... Something is wrong, I need to change something... I need to stay focused and I need to not look back towards where I've been but think about where I'm at now and where I need to be... Not necessarily where I want to be....

Life... Love... what horrible friends they can be sometimes...
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