its been a while
Date: Aug 12th, 2007 12:00:15 am - Subscribe
so i haven't written here in a while bc well i've been quite busy and then the past like 4 weeks i had a slump and haven't done anything. i got fired about 4 weeks ago and everything has gone down hill since.
im trying to loose some more weight but it isn't working too well since i can't do much at all and don't feel like it. i don't sleep anymore even when i try to and that makes my cat not sleep with me anymore as well.
i told the guy i liked, i can't like him...he blew me off for the 2nd time after that. he was obviously not worth my time. so im over that little crush, like i needed one anyways. but i have a date for around christmas with an old friend!! yes a date!! for once, someone actually asked me out. sounds lame, like a little teenager or something. but its an accomplishment for me even if all my friends are getting married.
im still contemplating school and it is keeping me up and stressing me out. i contemplated getting a tattoo as well and that kept me up for two nights. i think i've decided when i get the money and loose some more weight i will get three small tattoos.
i went blonde around the fourth of july....didn't go so well. my hair doesn't want to go that light for some reason. well only the hairdresser can get it to do that and then it doesn't last long. but im going dark again for when i go back to school. i figure i'll just go natural since my hair grows so fast. just reminded myself why i don't color my hair anymore. well i did have highlights for a while but they were growing out hence the dying it the first time. but im growing my hair out again too, it costs me too much to keep cutting it bc it grows horrible fast.
im remodeling my parents bathroom, been working on it all week long. just got done sanding the walls and need to prime maybe tomorrow. or i might take the day off and prime monday then go get the paint and stuff after that. who knows, it should be done by the end of next week.
moving in 2 1/2 weeks!! yes finally! just seems to be taking forever. im all packed tho. i did that like the first few days after i got fired and had nothing to do.
but im getting back into exercising. i exercise like every night before bed now. i also kinda meditate since im having anxiety problems again. i don't know if it is helping any....im still not where i want to be, trying to eat good but not much good to eat around here. lol. trying. i just hate my hips and if they were smaller along with my thighs...then i'll be great...everything else if fine.
well that is about it for now. oh yes my best friend is still driving me up a wall. she still doesn't know what she is going to do, still living off of others and still just out there. she was supposed to know like forever again and then kept setting deadlines and stuff and now she is down to almost no where to stay but her car and still doesn't know. she said she was going to figure it out like thursday....well its like sunday now and all i know is she keeps saying 'have to decide like by tomorrow morning, have to decide by tonight'. whatever.
i don't care anymore. she doesn't call me and complain so im happy. she was getting annoying calling me and asking me what to do and getting pissed at me saying 'well some people don't have their lives planned out'. yea as if i know what the heck im doing. but at least im not doing nothing to get there. im doing something to get there.
Date: Jun 12th, 2007 7:24:24 pm - Subscribe
no one is calling me back to hang out. my one friend is at work and my other one already has plans. and it is like so nice out and im just bla right now. im bored and its too early to be bored.
i want an excuse to go over to my friends house to see my crush. i know i sound so lame right now like a high schooler. but i really like him and i don't care. i want to get to know him more to see where things go. i know i have all summer but i keep expecting more than what i should.
im in this world right now where i just want to get out in the nice weather and do something. but im stuck still here doing this...writing online.
i should just sleep away the world tonight and until sunday again but what is the point? i want to go out on the lake and walk the pier. i want to do something!
what is it you want already!!?? i had an epiphany last night, but now this!! hmm. and i can't talk to my friend up north bc she is so wound up bc her boyfriend is a jerk and she needs to leave him but wants him more that he doesn't this crap to her. maybe he just wants her for sex. i don't know.
im so tired of this crap. ugh. i want to do something, i want to run into him. but i know it will never happen. he is probably not even thinking of me and if he is, he is thinking im creepy bc he probably read what i wrote about him.
ugh i've already messed things up when i should have just let things go to see what would happen. why me?! i don't know. i always seem to mess things up in the beginning. and i just hope he knows nothing and thinks nothing. that way we can start fresh and start a friendship.
who knows where things will go like i had said before. relationship or friendship he is in my life for a reason. and i really admire him. but i don't think im good enough for him.
Date: Jun 10th, 2007 5:59:21 pm - Subscribe
today was supposed to confirm all my fears and lead me back down where i began! but i am here more confused than when i began this journey. what do you want? why this, why now?
is this just another trial you are dangling in front of me to see if i'll take the bait? we know where this is going already!! come on God. what do you want? what am i supposed to do? what now?
i can just walk past this or dig a little deeper for something more. i have everything already to make my decision. by why is it so hard? he has made it the easiest decision to make but im still sitting here making it.
what is wrong with me?
more surprises than ever happened today. i walked into my friends house and expected all of us to go to church. me, her, and her mom and dad and friend. well her mom and dad were going on vacation.
then i hear "hey matt are you coming" "yea". matt? her oldest brother. last time i saw him he was like really fat and ugly and whatever. he comes out and omg!
so im like ok don't think about it. its ok. maybe he doesn't really live here all the time. nope he lives here and is going to church with us on sundays. wow.
so then im like ok he won't notice me and not say anything. bla bla. no he talks to me. then after church its like i stay around just to see him come back or something i don't know. but he said "nice to see you and if you aren't here when i get back from fishing i'll see you next sunday"
wtf? now all of a sudden i have this vibe of "i like you". he is like saying things like wow. holy toledo. he was like you should talk to my friend she is having problems and im sure you can relate since like i mentioned a few things and he listened to what i said. omg!
then he was like talking about my work or something and i never told him where i worked he must have remembered from this morning when i thought he wasn't listening. i was talking to his mom in the kitchen.
but i talked to his sister about him. he moved home from california not long ago. he was going to school there or something. i don't know if he finished. and he is doing odd jobs and looking for a car and she said he moves around a lot. i mean sounds like a lot of ex boyfriends i have had...bums. and what does he want to do in his life?! but he doesn't seem like a bum.
i guess i need to talk to him and get to know him and what is up with his life. before i decide yes or no on this one. plus she told me he is highly opinionated about women about working in the home and such. i don't know if that is just a joke or what. but i don't know he seems funny maybe it is just sarcasm. i do it all the time.
wow i think i answered my own questions talking to my friend. praise god!
Date: Jun 7th, 2007 10:04:23 pm - Subscribe
why do i have this need to get out? i have this feeling every now and again how i need to move and go somewhere else away from here. i don't know why i want to leave here when my family is here but for some reason i have this feeling.
i started to feel this urge while living in my last "hometown". i don't consider it my hometown anymore bc i have made this my new hometown and it is closer to the places i grew up than the last town i lived in.
but over a year ago i felt the urge to move out and beyond. somewhere new. i had a plan as well. i had two semesters of college left, i had a dream in my heart, and i was on my way to making things happen for me. i was having the time of my life.
then someone took all those dreams and killed them and killed the person who had them, almost literally. i still wanted to move out of that town. away from there. even if he wanted to stay longer i was going to push hard to make sure i didn't stay there.
it didn't matter if i loved him and all that matter was that i was with him. it wouldn't have matter if anyone loved me and wanted me to stay there with them. i needed out. even way before we were serious, i knew i needed out and wasn't going to stay there for anything when i had the chance to leave after graduation.
but that didn't happen. my chance for leaving was changed when i lost my chance for graduation this year. when the moment was right the door did open and i was allowed to be free and leave there. just like i wanted and how i'd been waiting for it for 3 years.
but now im here. in a different place where i haven't spent very long bc this was never my home and i never made it my home. now it has become my home bc i have no where else to go. and i still want out tho. even if this is a new place.
but for some odd reason i still have this urge to get out. i feel a need to go somewhere and do something. what im not sure and where i defiantly don't know. everything was working out just fine when i moved here. the doors opened and let me in. im so proud of how things have gone.
i know i still have growing to do here. especially with my recent knowledge of things i wasn't aware of before. im happy to be seeing my counselor still, he is helping me out. but sometimes i don't know what to do and others what he says surprises me.
im frustrated with how things have turned out with that. it has nothing to do with why i went to see him in the first place. but it helps with other things. just frustrates me. makes me think how i've wasted a lot of time and i feel my future is just going to fail as well bc i have these issues my parents gave me.
i tried to talk to my friend tonight about things. but i know right now isn't the time to talk to her about anything. she just figured out her boyfriend issues. she is back with him and im not too proud of her for begging him to come back to her. but for some reason she really likes him. oh well. im kinda wishing it crashes and burns in her face but on the other hand i don't want her hurt like she was for two days bc he was an idiot.
i tried to show her the signs and what he was doing. he was just plain mean but maybe he was just immature as well. but i wouldn't have taken him back or even begged for him to come back. he sounds kinda like my ex, some pigheaded guy who wants sex and she gave in and now he wants to control what she does. oh well.
im kinda sad as well today bc i found out we were going on a vacation. well my brother first said he would go and now says he won't go. so it will be me and my parents. i think that is weird. plus my brother and his gf are getting to me and the fact my friend is back with her bf gets to me. im mad at couples in general.
i need some single friends again. i know everyone my age is all getting married and serious but where are the single people my age? i don't want to get married right now or have kids. i want to just live my life how i want and be independent me and live my own way again for a while. but this time in a better more confident way.
somehow things will work out. i have to wait a little longer to leap somewhere else in life. but so far i have a dream again and im going to make it there. god will guide me a little more each day and so far he is doing a great job. i just must follow closely this time and not steer away from the path like i did last time. no one will interfere and if someone comes along they must accept my goals and what i want to do in life and go along with them. just as i must accept their goals and plans.
ok im gunna go for now and think more on life. maybe that is what im meant to do, think about life. or maybe im just supposed to be me. i'll keep being me. bye for now.
anonymous call #2
Date: Jun 6th, 2007 8:03:31 pm - Subscribe
wtf?! some stalker is still trying to call me. i can think of one person but lets see if thru the months it continues.
this is call number two within the past 2 months.
i wish i could find out the number but i called the cell phone place and they said i can't find out.
oh well life goes on.
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