Archives: April 2007, May 2007, June 2007, August 2007
My Blogs Next Page

myheart To be or not to be? - Subscribe
So I'm a psychology major working on my Bachelors degree with a minor in sociology. I've been trying to figure out what to do after I graduate bc I'm graduating in a little over a year.

With a Bachelors in Psychology you really can't do much at all, unless you want to be a manager or something. But you can't really go into a psychology career without continuing your education further. You usually need a Masters with certifications or a Ph.D. or M.D.

I know that I want to at least get my Masters but would really like to get into a Doctorate program. I have been looking lately at Clinical programs and maybe a concentration in Forensic Psychology.

A little while ago I was seriously looking into this great school with a Ph.D. program for Clinical that I was really set on. But things just keep popping into my head. Am I making the right decisions? I can't go back, it is going to cost a lot of money. I have to love what I will be doing.

But lately the profession of lawyer has come up. I have been thinking about it but don't really know if it is for me. I want to do something similar with psychology and law but don't know if I should go as far as to go to Law School.

I don't have a lot of information about what lawyers do or what law school is about. But it is in the back of my mind. I'm gunna do some research and not just blow it off, but I'm really not sure why it has come up in my mind.

Something to think about I guess, but I have a little time to think about it. Just need to start checking out schools and get a lot of information before I make a final decision.
Mood: tired

myheart Still hanging on Apr 15th, 2007 12:58:01 am - Subscribe
So I didn't actually think I would get sick over all of this, but here I am: headache, soar throat, stuffy, ear hurts, still can't sleep. For the past two nights I have not slept well and as much as I am so tired at the moment from all I did today I still cannot fall asleep. I think maybe it is a fear I will relive something when I close my eyes.

Night before last I didn't go to sleep early bc I was up reading Harry Potter, thinking if I just read a little more it will help me sleep better. Then last night I just couldn't sleep. Things just kept popping into my head even tho I tried so hard not to think of them. As I finally did drift into sleep the memories in my mind flashed before me and the emotions came roaring in.

I couldn't breathe, he was suffocating me, he did try to suffocate me, whether he knew he was then or not, he did. I kept saying "I can't breathe stop." He had his hand against the back of my neck pushing my face down towards the pillow just harder every time I pushed back up.

I didn't remember until last night I had even said that. I know I said stop and no, but not that. My head pushing into the pillow and panicing. I woke bawling my eyes out and making sure I wasn't still in that moment. I was in the same bed alright against the same pillow, but I was reassured by my cat sleeping by my legs I was not there.

The only reason I can think that these things have come back to me is I've been talking thru different abusive situations I was put in, but didn't realize it. There were more than I can count now and I'm still trying to come to terms with all of it and ask myself why I didn't feel anything then but I do now.

I'm scared still, scared he will find me here in what he probably thinks is still our bed. I really want to get a dog when I move now just so I can know I'm safe and have something to keep me safe. But not a lot of apartments will allow dogs. I love my cat dearly and he miraculously saved me from nightmares that kept me up two years ago and I believe he still makes me feels safe now. But he is no guard dog, he is a healer and caretaker. He heals my soul and guards it safe. I need something to feel physically guarded as well.

I for some reason could not gaurd myself even tho I had taken the proper course and learned to become aware of how to gaurd myself. I feel weak and I do not want him to know I feel that way. I need him and other abusers to know I am strong and confident and to stay away bc I will not put up with their abuse. I will not let anything close to this happen to me ever again, I cannot ever let it happen again.

Tired, I'm so tired, but the hurt has worn me down to where it is an everyday thing to think of what has happened and other things that did happen. Not so much why anymore or how, but the fact that it did happen and now my brain is trying to get past it somehow. "I'm trying my best" I tell myself. I must be doing something right if other things are going well, but just sleeping and eating are messing with me.

But I have gotten myself sick and that is what concerns me. I want to deny the depression this has caused me. I want to deny that I might need more help than I'm getting. I want to deny the fact I really don't know if going off my "therapy" (from previous incidents a year earlier) did help, bc I went off when I first met him. I don't know what is like to be ok without it bc I never got the chance. Now I have the chance but I'm back in a rut.

I keep thinking if I go back it will cost me and I go off the insurance in little over a year. What then if I still need it then? It reminds me of what I was told, I could have to go back soon after going off bc it happens sometimes. This is not what I wanted. I want to be ok with me, but it takes me more to even make me normal again.

Nothing has been my fault but I'm scared. Scared to explain who I am bc the things in my past have made me who I am. Scared to make new friends and tell them, scared to meet a nice guy someday and hope he understands why I did some of the things I had to do to just survive. I feel my life has been a mess of things I had no control over, which a lot of I haven't, it is just I let those people hurt me so much that they walked away unharmed and I walked away barely with the life I once had.

I'm doing everything I can, I'm doing everything I can. Maybe soon I will wake up and be ok, but until then I need to keep trying.
Mood: exhausted

myheart Replacing him with my brother Apr 16th, 2007 12:30:05 am - Subscribe
My brother came with my dad that night to move me back home. He is 3 years younger than me and a freshmen in college. He was so loving and caring. He let me hang out with him and his friends and we decided to live together in the Fall, since we will both be at the same university now.

But recently he has been treating everyone horribly. I found out he went off his meds (for major depression) about the time I came home. Gradually his behavior has gotten worse. But last weekend and the week preceding was the worse. Some of the phrases that came from his mouth sounded like my ex talking to me all over again.

I talked to my therapist on whether it would be emotionally ok for me to move in with him. I told him I keep having to remind myself this is my brother, who really does love me and care about me, not my abusive ex who doesn't care about anything but himself. He told me to talk to him about my feelings.

So I called him a few days ago and once again I felt like I was talking with my ex all over again. He kept swearing at me and saying I had a problem, that I need to stop telling him what to do, and get my problem fixed before I talk to him, then he hung up after saying f*** off like 4 times. I was just trying to tell him that, that exact behavior really hurt me, without saying "you are acting like 'him' and it hurts."

Once again I talked to him tonight bc he is home for the weekend. Once again he said I have a problem and need to stop 'psycho-analyzing' everyone around me and acting like mom. I told him I want it to work out but he is treating everyone and me in a way that hurts me. But he wouldn't listen and made me cry and I just told him to go away. I just wanted him to listen to how I feel, but I feel like he won't and no one really has in the past either. I got frustrated.

Well my dad came down and talked to both of us and we are going to work it out. My dad told my brother what I have been thinking about the similarities in behavior and how it hurts me. My brother said he wants to live with me and work it out. That he has had a hard first semester at college and has been upset lately. It would financially be a lot better for both of us.

I really want this situation to work out for us. It isn't so much I don't like the fact he is going to be sleeping in the same room, same bed as his best friend (a girl by the way) or the fact I really don't know her and she is really quite (I thought I was quiet). It is the emotions. I have to remind myself this is my brother.

My brother would never hurt me or physically harm me like my ex did. He will always be there to protect me and be there when I need someone to talk to, unlike my ex. This is not the same person, they are two different people.

I'm trying to get past that some people have bad days and I used to able to deal with this before. But since everything that happened I can't so much deal with it. I think I need to rewire what I will put up with and not put up with.

It is good in a way bc now I recognize behavior that I will not tolerate but some behaviors I need to realize I can tolerate and should. People are allowed to be angry or mad and some people will not act on that behavior. I cannot be scared that everyone will. I will be ok, but it is still going to take time.
Mood: cold

myheart My Dream Interpretations Apr 16th, 2007 8:54:30 pm - Subscribe
MyHeart, the recurrent theme of your dream life is

Order And Balance

You're dreaming about something that feels just out of your control. While you sleep, your mind gravitates toward scenarios in which you are coping with difficulties and their consequences. Your dreams tell stories of combating external confusion and disorder. This means that in some area of your life, you desire a way to rein in the external chaos that's impacting you and once again feel on top of things.

There are a wide variety of dreams that fall into the category of Order and Balance. You may dream about disasters, including the sometimes destructive forces of nature. Many people dream about losing their possessions or being subjected to property damage. Having car trouble or other mechanical difficulties are also common in Order and Balance dreams.
Mood: better

myheart Where art thou sleep? Apr 17th, 2007 2:47:09 am - Subscribe
Sitting against a cold brick wall only one light fills the dark corner enough to read by. Clutter seems to enclose the surrounding area as sheets of color and patterns blanket off the corner. Flowing with purple and pink flowers on one and odd earth toned shapes on another.

Many boxes filled with things forgotten line the rectangular make-shifted room. Many paintings lay in stacks on top of large mirrors lying on a ledge. Books and notebooks lay on top of wire shelving only held up by little plastic pegs, as if they are to fall apart with the slightest budge.

Silence yet for a tick-tock, tick-tock, the little glass clock ticks away the time on the dresser nearest the corner. Then a train whistle can be heard in the distance, which fades slowly. Listening for something more only to hear a grumbling stomach from underneath and little snaps of laptop keys bouncing back.

A large bed against the cold wall is covered in many blankets of pink and purple shades, along with many pillows. One side there is movement and vigorous typing. The other lies a very thick blue book and a phone.

Lonely this room feels, yet full of distraction. Many things lie about on shelves out of place. A suitcase still full of clothes still sits at the foot of the bed, as if it were waiting to be zipped back up. Many clothes in baskets sit on the floor as if they are never ready to be put into the empty dresser drawers. Boxes still sealed in tape as if never to be opened and some freshly sealed ready to be taken away.

The ceiling is the only indication of the whereabouts of the room. Looking up all that can be seen are ducts and aluminum pipes, strapped to the open wooden ceiling. Wires run across from one end to the other, continuing under the dark ledge and past the sheets.

Still the cold brick wall covered by a white sheet, penetrates through the warmth of blankets and a sweatshirt. Will the light ever grow dim enough to fall back into the comfort of the bed? Will the clutter and make-shift walls ever fade away into a fantasy of darkness?

Coming or going, the corner does not seem to know whether to be a cozy room or a dark corner. As if trapped in time as the clock ticks closer and closer to morning still. Tick-tock, tick-tock, with still only one light shining, against the cold brick wall.
Mood: tired