So much for the Christmas mood.
Date: Dec 2nd, 2008 10:25:07 am - Subscribe
Mood: ribs are sore

Well I have a feeling, not only did Thanksgiving suck, but I think Christmas is screwed now too.

Mom and Dan left at 1:30 pm to go to town to get our Christmas tree. They decided on a seven foot live Christmas tree. And she told me to get a shower and get ready, and then wait til she got home. Abe had been outside all day working on the Christmas stuff in the yard and helping Dad fix the van. And Dad kept coming in and asking me, if I had heard from Mom and Dan, cause maybe they got lost, and I told him I didn't several times. And I guess Abe was drinking while he was putting the stuff up, cause Mom and Dan finally got home, I guess around 6:30/7 pm. So we helped unload them, and get the tree in and all, and then Dan and Dad left, and Mom, Abe and I was putting a table behind our tree, which is offically called the Angel Table, cause Mom puts her Angels on it every year. So then something happened, (I'm not sure what). And I went off to watch tv, Lincoln Heights. And then Abe came and got me to put Mom's kitchen table back in its spot. (Cause we had to move it to get the Angel table moved).

And then Abe started screaming at me, something bout apologizing to Mom for what I don't know, and I told him to get out of my face, and he kept screaming at me to apologize, and I kept telling him to get the fuck out of my face, and at one point I turned to Mom and told her to get him the fuck out of my face. And then she started screaming at me, for something or another, (who the hell knows what). So I just walked off, and was going back to Mom's room to FINISH watching Lincoln Heights, and Abe started after me, and I told him to leave me alone, and he said I couldn't tell him what to do, so I told him he couldn't tell me what to do either. So then by then I was sitting in the chair that is in Mom's room, and Abe comes in, and he tells me to get up and go apologize to Mom, and I told him no cause there was NO reason to apologize to her, cause I did not do anything. And he starts screaming at me to get up and go to Mom and I kept telling him no. So then he comes after me, and he was all screaming at me to do it now, and I kept telling him no, so then he grabbed a hold of me, or was trying, and I was fighting him off. And screaming at him to get the fuck off of me. And he at one point tried to hit me, but I blocked it, and then I kicked him, I'm not sure where I kicked him and I don't care, I do know that I was aiming for his balls, so I hopefully hit them, I don't know. And Mom started screaming at him from the other room to get off me. And I was screaming at him to get off me, while I kept kicking.

And he finally got off me, and he said that if I didn't straighten up my act, I would find myself kicked out on the street. And he walked off and slammed Mom's door. So by then I was pissed, so I got up and went after him, and I told him that was fine, I would call Ray and have him come get me, for damn sure (the only name that popped in my head at the time). And of course he can't come get me, cause he has a house full, he has Amber, her three kids, their 2 pit bulls, and Misty and her kid.

So by then I was bawling my head off, and I said fuck it and went to my room, then through all the bawling I remembered that the TV in Mom's room was still on, so I went to go shut it off, and Mom was crying in her chair by her computer, and Abe was watching TV in the living room, and he just glared at me. So I shut off the TV and came back in here. And started talking to Hope, told her what happened, and she said that if she was closer and not in Kentucky she would of came and got me tonight, but she couldn't. But even if she did, live closer, I couldn't of stayed there for long. Oh and my neighbor wouldn't take me in, cause eventually she would agree with my family, so would my mom's best friend pat. So I'm screwed. whatever.

And I've been crying off and on since, and fighting the urge to cut, and other things. And I don't know if Dad and Dan know yet or not, and I honestly could care a less, and if I had a place to go, I would of went in and told Mom that I was moving out, but I can't, so for now I'm stuck.

Whatever. This family sucks. But most families do don't they?

And I think I pulled something or he popped out my shoulder when we was fighting. So then about two hours later, after all that shit, I went and out and talked to Mom, and apologized to her for whatever, but I didn't know what I did wrong, and she said she didn't know either, and then she showed me her new shirt, and it says Kiss Me has a tree or something above it and it glows. And guess what? I have a matching glowing shirt that says Merry Christmas. And was telling me about a frosty and all, and I told her whatever, and then she started telling me what she wanted to do with the living room, and I told her to do whatever the hell she wanted to do, and walked off. A little bit later I told her I guess I would help her if she wanted, as long as Abe wasn't around, cause I refuse to be around him, I refuse to be alone with him, and I hate him, and I refuse to have another damn fight like that. (didn't exactly tell her I hated him, but I wanted to, and anyways I do). And she said that was fine. So Mom and I are cool for the moment. Till they want me to apologize to Abe for kicking him or whatever, and then they can all fuck off, cause I REFUSE to apologize to him, cause for one he don't deserve it.

And if I could, I would have him in jail right now, although he wouldn't stay cause Mom would get him out, and then he would be more pissed then he is, and we'd probably get into another fight and so on, and of course she won't say anything to him about it, or anything, cause he's the damn angel of the family and always has been, you can even ask my sister Danie and she would say so too, but then again her and I ain't talking either.

One more Sibling to piss off. The Oldest, only I'm not terrified of him when he's pissed, no matter how pissed he gets. I don't think he is dangerous, I do know Abe is dangerous, cause this is not the first time him and I have got into a psychical fight but whatever.

And I guess Mom and I are going to decorate the tree, and put up the rest of the Christmas stuff tomorrow.

Oh and the kicker to all this is Mom is leaving Wednesday to go to her doctor's in temple, and she may not be back till sometime this weekend, so that leaves me Wednesday, Thursday, alone with him till he goes to work, and then Fridays he gets off, and Dan and Dad have to work. So can we say "I'm Terrified."

Oh and I deleted and blocked Abe on my myspace, and I deleted all my comments except his Harley one I gave him and the two white tigers. Past that I am COMPLETELY done with him.

Oh and I have a head cold, and I'm burning up like crazy, my whole body feels like its on fire, but Mom says I don't have a fever, and I don't believe her, but whatever.

So much for the fucking holidays, and the Christmas Mood.
Comments: (2)

Date: Oct 22nd, 2008 10:15:01 pm - Subscribe
Mood: unsafe
Music...: My Wish - Rascall Flatts

I'm not pregnant. Yay right? So why am I not happy bout it? sad.gif
Comments: (1)

Baby Ticker
Date: Oct 16th, 2008 12:21:05 pm - Subscribe
Mood: useless
Music...: So What - Pink

pregnancy calendar
Comments: (0)

Date: Oct 9th, 2008 5:55:29 pm - Subscribe
Mood: isolated
Music...: seether

The sun is gone and the flowers rot
Words are spaces between us
And I should've been drown in the rivers I've found of token lost
And I should've been down when you made me insecure

So break me down if it makes you feel right
And hate me now if it keeps you alright
You can break me down if it takes all your might
'cause I'm so much more than meets the eye

And I'm the one you can never trust
'cause wounds are ways to reveal us
And yeah I could have tried and devoted my life to both of us
But what a waste of my time when the world we have is yours

So break me down if it makes you feel right
And hate me now if it keeps you alright
You can break me down if it takes all your might
'cause I'm so much more than all your lies

Hate me, break me down
So break me down
So break me down
So break me down if it makes you feel right
And hate me now if it keeps you alright
You can break me down if it takes all your might
'cause I'm so much more than meets the eye
Comments: (0)

Date: Oct 5th, 2008 1:28:37 pm - Subscribe
Mood: content
Music...: you're still the one - shania twain

Everything is going good with us. I'm still with Eva an I decided I'm going to stay with her, cause even though we have our very rough patches and stuff, I love her, an she loves me. We actually talked last night, she's in school again, for what I forgot to ask. We actually talked, an she's been sick again, although I didn't know that, cause I didn't call her, an she hasn't been online. I didn't call, cause every time I do, she's sleeping. We're both night owls. Did I mention I love her.

(Note to self ask gf what she's in school for).

We was talking about it last night, if my parents an brother's end up going to Alaska in a year or so, that I'm going to be moving to Missouri, to be with her. I asked her if it was okay, an she said it was, so thats what I'm going to start to plan on doing, even if they don't ever go to Alaska, I want to move up there. I want to be with my girl. Honestly I need to be with her. I get that its harder for me, then it is for her, that I'm not up there, cause she has Cody, and she has those other two girls, because techinally, we're not in a committed relationship. We're still in a very open, yet closed to the fact nobody (besides LJ) knows about us. After all these years, I still want to be hers forever, I still want to marry her.

I'd do anything for her, an she knows it, she always has known it, which I'm guessing was part of our problem. At first, but we got things worked out again.

(in between writing this, I've been getting bugged by my dad, an stuff, so I lost my train of thought with this).

Try it again later
Comments: (1)

Date: Oct 4th, 2008 5:49:57 pm - Subscribe
Mood: worthless
Music...: room to breathe - reba

Bday party things was suppose to be today.

that was a joke.

thats all.
Comments: (1)

Date: Oct 3rd, 2008 2:39:17 am - Subscribe
Mood: worthless

School right?

feels like i'm back in it with this drivers book.

i found be sleeping i'm working or helping out pat tomorrow. what fun. but i'm sure she's going to want this book done by then. so i'm going to have to do it.

Dan is going to be going over seas the first of november if everything goes right, which even though mom says IF it probably will. he has nothing on his record that would say that he couldn't go over there, or anything like that, and i'm sure their needing people in their line of work, and he's only going over there for a year, and apparently him being over there, a year or so, is suppose to get us out of debt.

for the first time in my life, i'm scared about it. what if he doesn't come back? abe's wanting to go over there to, but dan won't let him. and dad he's wanting to over there too. I don't know when or if he will. but its just a year, i keep getting told. its nothing to worry about, i keep getting told, then why am i worried? cause i know their lying, and its going to be more then just a year, its going to be a year of worry and hoping they come back in one piece and alive. it is something to worry about. i told mom if dan does over there, and with abe working nights and dad working late, i'm going to go get sassy, cause i would feel better with a big dog around cause star can't hear to well anymore. so mostly it'll just be me, and my mom. until the weekend. i didn't ask her, i just told her what i was going to do, and that is what i am going to do.

i need things to be okay, i need this NOT to be happening.

I have 30 cuts from Monday healing on my upper left arm, i have 14 cuts on my lower right leg healing, from tonight. its getting bad again, and i can't just stop it. and i made myself throw up twice today. its not as bad as my cutting though, but it'll get there. and i'm trying not to let it. my chest and left ribs, shoulder have been hurting the last 2 days, even the slightest move and it hurts, an its hard to breathe sometimes. i don't know what's wrong, maybe i just slept wrong?

i need people but their not around, i get it, but its like everybody's leaving all at once. and it scares me.

I need for YOU not to yell at me when you read this.

I haven't talked to you otherwise i would of told you. before i put it here, and no i didn't think about calling you, cause i've been out of it lately.

I'm sorry
Comments: (0)

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