Its February. Wonderful February, okay I'm in a good mood what can I say? Hmm, I don't know not much has been going on, Mom's still sleeping, cause she still isn't feeling good, and Dan's sleeping, cause he's still sick and Abe's at work. And I've been working on finishing my book lol. I had a long talk with Jade yesterday. I texted her at like nine last night and we was just talking about a lot of stuff until I ended up calling her at like Midnight and then we talked for an hour and everything, which helped. Anyway she made a bunch of excellent points, like we was talking about how she's mostly over her eating disorder but yet it still comes back on her or tries to every now and then, especially she said it has been trying to a lot lately. And she was telling me how she use to feel about it and everything, which is pretty much how I have been feeling lately, except for the fact that I also feel like I'm still not good enough for anyone. And she told me there isn't much difference between her eating disorder and my cutting she says its all about control, you want that control, and then by taking that way, she said it feels like its being taken away and that you didn't have that control anymore, and you don't know what to do about that, cause you've had that control for so long you don't know what to do without it. And she was saying that for so long it was really hard for her to be happy because being happy is a whole new territory and you just get so use to not being happy, that its familiar and you don't want to lose that either. And it takes a lot to want to get help and getting help when you don't want it isn't going to work. She said there was so many times she probably should of went to counseling but didn't, there was so many times that she wanted help and didn't end up getting it, so many times she didn't want it, and she got it. Its amazing how to different things, are almost the same. But an eating disorder and cutting are pretty much the same thing, cause its still self harming either way.
There has been so many times I've been trying to explain how I feel, and I really couldn't, cause I didn't really know how I was feeling. And she explained it to me, without really meaning too. And I told her that she just explained how I was feeling, and she's like no no no, that's not good to feel like that, and it went into another long conversation, but she understands it, I don't know if I completely understand it, but yeah. I don't know talking to her helped last night. Its really hard getting over wanting that control over something, but it can be over come? It can be its just hard, I get that. And I don't know how it got brought up, or anything, but she did ask me if I have ever had an eating disorder, and I didn't know what to say cause its so hard to explain. I mean I don't really think I do really, its just lately. Lately, umm, I guess you could say I have a small problem? I don't really know how to explain it.
For me. I've never had a deep discussion about this, much less actually wrote it in anything. So I don't know really how to explain it. I've got just write it out for yourself in my head, which I have no idea what that means.
Okay, I really need to write this out so lets see if I can.
I don't know if anybody knows really why I first started cutting, why I first started having the urges to cut, and I don't even really know what gave me the thought to I just did it, I don't really honestly think anybody ever thinks of what gave them the thought of doing it the very first time. I could be wrong though. I was working for my mother's best friend when I was sixteen, by this month I had been working for her for two months, and everything seemed to be going okay well I don't know if its just this month that sucks or what, later this month, when I was sixteen I was raped by my Mom's best friend. There I said it, and people keep telling me it wasn't my fault I was only sixteen and that I should forgive myself, I don't know how too. I still haven't gotten over what happened, cause I don't know where to start, I really don't. I know that I need to deal with tis one day, and maybe one day I will, but I don't know if I will ever be ready to deal with it so therefore I don't really want to deal with it. I don't know where to start I don't know what the first step is. Two days after is when I started cutting. Two days after that I tried to kill myself, which didn't work, so what do I do? I cut more, and I try even harder to die. I tried to all the ways up to March 20th. So that's how I started cutting. Months later after it happened my Mom found out, Dan, Danie and Misti, Mom did the whole hugging me and crying and saying she was sorry, and she should of never let Pat near me and so on and so forth, and that is after she asked me if I was lying about it!!! Then three days later, it got blamed on me, all of it. And to this day it still is. Last summer, when I was working with Pat, how I could work with her I don't know, but I did anyway, she told me that she blamed it all on me because she didn't want to go to jail.
So now everybody knows why I hate February. I don't know what else to say. I can't breathe. I'm gonna find something to do.
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Mood: unsafe
Music...: This Time - Vanessa Carlton
I just thought, Kelly's kind of back I guess. Which has always been my online mom since I was 16 or 17, and she's been around, but she mostly disappears alot but then she comes back, and who knows she might actually stay this time, although I doubt it. Anyways I thought I'd share, with you who Kelly is.
Kelly (Mom)
Lisa And Kelly
Kelly & her Girlfriend Lisa & Lisa's Dog (I like this pic)
Yet another picture of Lisa and Kelly
Kelly (Mom) Halloween 2007
And I know I can't stand Kelly's girlfriend, but Mom's happy with her, so thats good. So therefore I'm happy for her even if I don't really like her girlfriend. Maybe one day I will though. I want Mom to come back and stay one of these days though. I guess we'll see huh?
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Mood: insightful
Music...: I'll Be - Reba
n1ghtshadeAnd I Promise You That We Will Always Be Together Til The End Of Time Feb 10th, 2008 2:00:10 pm - Subscribe
Last night Eva fixed any problem we ever had, we finally talked on the phone last night. From like oh wow 3 am to 6 am when her phone died. And even before that we was on the computer talking for two hours before that, and I ain't to worried about her being with Cody, Cody's just a part of her life for the moment, and thats fine, he's what she needs right now, and I'm on the side lines, but I don't mind to much being on the sidelines right now, for one, it comes with a lot of benefits, and a lot of pain, but it all seems to work, and before anybody says, why do you put yourself through that, if theres a lot of pain.
Well she's worth it, she's worth all the pain in the world for the little moments we have. She's going to be coming down here this summer, if she can get the time off work *hopes and prays she can...crosses fingers* and if she can talk her mom into it she'll be down here. Can it be summer now?? I don't know what else to say other then right now I am very happy, and very content, and I just want summer to be here.
And yes I know what I said the other night while talking to you. But last night changed everything. And I'm sure I'm probably setting myself up to get hurt again, but if it happens I can deal with it, its just how it goes.
This was our song, and it's still absolutely perfect.
I Love You
I must be crazy now
Maybe I dream too much
But when I think of you
I long to feel your touch
To whisper in your ear
Words that are old as time
Words only you would hear
If only you were mine
I wish I could go back to the very first day I saw you
Should've made my move when you looked in my eyes
'Cause by now I know that you'd feel the way that I do
And I'd whisper these words as you'd lie here by my side
I love you, please say
You love me too, these three words
They could change our lives forever
And I promise you that we will always be together
Till the end of time
So today, I finally find the courage deep inside
Just to walk right up to your door
But my body can't move when I finally get to it
Just like a thousand times before
Then without a word he handed me this letter
Read I hope this finds the way into your heart, it said
I love you, please say
You love me too, these three words
They could change our lives forever
And I promise you that we will always be together
Till the end of time
Well maybe I, I need a little love yeah
And maybe I, I need a little care
And maybe I, maybe you, maybe you, maybe you
Oh you need somebody just to hold you
If you do, just reach out and I'll be there
I love you, please say
You love me too
Please say you love me too
Till the end of time
These three words
They could change our lives forever
And I promise you that we will always be together
Oh, I love you
Please say you love me too
Please please
Say you love me too
Till the end of time
My baby
Together, together, forever
Till the end of time
I love you
I will be your light
Shining bright
Shining through your eyes
My baby
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Mood: loved
Music...: I Love You - Celine Dion
n1ghtshade Rip: Susan Marie Lafalgio 1963 - 2008 Feb 14th, 2008 11:13:47 am - Subscribe
So I just got online to find out a really good friend of mine, that I haven't talked to in a couple years, died 3 days ago of breast cancer. She was 44 years old.
Susan Marie Lafalgio of Garnerville died on February 10, 2008 at Nyack hospital after a 13 month courageous battle with breast cancer. She was only 44. Born on April 30, 1963 in Haverstraw, NY to William and Ann Granese Lampariello. Susan grew up in Haverstraw and graduated North Rockland High School in 1981. She was currently a dispatcher at Cablevision in Oakland, NJ. Susan enjoyed partying and riding with her husband on their Harley and she was full of life. She loved spending time with her family especially her husband John and her daughter Marisa Ann. She was truly a friend to all. She will be missed dearly. . On August 31, 1991 she married John Lafalgio in St. Peters Church in Haverstraw. Survivors include her devoted and loving husband John of Garnerville, her loving daughter Marisa Ann Lafalgio, her dear brothers Joseph and his wife Janice Lampariello of Monroe, and William and his wife Susan of Lampariello of Lititz, PA. Her caring mom Ann Lampariello of Haverstraw, her dear sister-in-law Roseann Hammell of Garnerville, and her dear brother-in-law Vincent and his wife JoAnne Lafalgio of Stony Point. She is also survived by numerous nieces and nephews and countless friends, neighbors and coworkers at Cablevision. Friends may call on Thursday and Friday February 14th & 15th 2008 from 2-4 & 7-9 PM at T.J. McGowan Sons Funeral Home, Haverstraw. A Mass of Christian Burial will be held on Saturday February 16, 2008 at 10AM at St. Peters Church. Interment will be private. In lieu of flowers please make donations in Susan's memory to the American Breast Cancer Foundation.
1 Comments
Mood: sad
Music...: Remember Me This Way - Jordan Hill
n1ghtshadeIf Tomorrow Starts Without Me Feb 14th, 2008 11:18:07 am - Subscribe
This is originally on Jade's Memorial page on her website.
If tomorrow starts without me,
And I'm not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you wouldn't cry
The way you did today,
While thinking of the many things,
We didn't get to say.
I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you,
And each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too;
But when tomorrow starts without me,
Please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name,
And took me by the hand,
And said my place was ready,
In heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind
All those I dearly love.
But as I turned to walk away,
A tear fell from my eye
For all my life, I'd always thought,
I didn't want to die.
I had so much to live for,
So much left to do,
It seemed almost impossible,
That I was leaving you.
I thought of all the yesterdays,
The good ones and the bad,
The thought of all the love we shared,
And all the fun we had.
If I could relive yesterday,
Just even for a while,
I'd say good-bye and kiss you
And maybe see you smile.
But then I fully realized,
That this could never be,
For emptiness and memories,
Would take the place of me.
And when I thought of wordly things,
I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
My heart was filled with sorrow.
But when I walked through heaven's gates,
I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me,
From His great golden throne,
He said, "This is eternity,
And all I've promised you."
Today your life on earth is past
But here life starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow,
But today will always last,
And since each day's the same way
There's no longing for the past.
You have been so faithful,
So trusting and so true.
Though there were times
You did some things
You knew you shouldn't do.
But you have been forgiven
And now at last you're free.
So won't you come and take my hand
And share my life with me?
So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don't think we're far apart,
For every time you think of me,
I'm right here, in your heart.
-Author Unknown
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Mood: sad
Music...: Remember Me This Way - Jordan Hill
Okay, I can't say this probably will be the last entry of Eva. But I'm sure it will be the last time for quite a while. That being said. On to my night with miss Eva, and alcohol involved.
Considering Saturday was what Saturday was, I completely ignored it, and I didn't deal with it, what do I do? I fix the dinner, have the family dinner, watch The Invasion with Nicole Kidman note I can't really stand her, but it was a good movie, not one I'll watch again probably, but it was still good. So after that, I come in here talk to Hope for a while about her boyfriend who disappears and she of course wonders if I have anything to do with it at all. So after we got that settled, I start talking to her about other stuff. (I.E. Eva, you, jade, shannan, Saturday, what happened on this particular Saturday I'm ignoring, susan's funeral which was this Saturday to, and the family dinner, which I managed not to screw up!)
So then I end up getting drunk and Eva comes online, which at the moment I was particular happy about that, so I end up going and getting the phone to talk, so I call her, and after talking for a little while, I start hitting her with a bunch of questions of course after I ask her if it's okay, so question one was what would of happened if her and Cody hadn't got together, if we would of got back together, her normal answer, I don't know, if I hadn't met him, probably. Okay fine, answer enough, I forget the next one, but it had something to do with her and I I'm sure. And I'm almost sure her answer was I don't know. So her and I are talking a little bit, and she told me how she met Cody, something like out of the Romeo and Juliet scene is how she explained it, except he was on a bike haha. Cody and her are not really moving in together, but he'll still be there all the time I'm sure, so I asked her if he was going to possibly move in why in the world she told me for over a year, that she wanted to move me up there with her. And she's like well um....to get you away from your Mom so you can grow up a little bit, because I am sure you and I wouldn't of worked.
Still okay fine. She told me if it was me, she would of moved on a long time ago, so I told her I couldn't, and then of course I asked her if she would listen to me, without getting pissed, and actually listened if I could explain that, so she said sure, kind of sounding annoyed, but hell we're getting somewhere, at least I think we are, and I was drunk so fine. So I explained to her my feelings, about everything, and a LOT of them centered around the dumb ass she's dating. Which then she goes into explaining to me why he is the way he is, so I have a little bit better understanding of him, but I still think he's a jerk. Which she knows. I finally told her. I can't stand him. Probably having this conversation probably wasn't the best of idea's but what the hell.
So all the while Mom gets up, so of course I had to explain things to Eva, or ask her questions, without Mom really knowing what's going on, which she probably does, but okay, on we go. So then I asked her why she keeps telling me she loves me, if she wants nothing out of me other then to sex. Because somewhere in there, she explained she wants to be with a guy, get married to them, and all that, and that she's content but she's not really happy, she wants to be in a relationship with a guy, but she wants to have sex with girls, and if I hadn't been drunk at the time, I probably would of ventured to tell her SHE CAN'T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS! She did tell me that to be honest (yes these are her words or at least as much as I remember of them) I love you yes, but its more like a friend or a sister way, and my having a girlfriend was just a stage in my life, to find out if I was really gay, and it took me four girlfriends to figure it out, and I'm like okay, well which one was I? And she's like you was four. And I'm like yeah and I'm sure I'm the one that fell the hardest for you, and she's like probably, and I'm sorry. No I didn't ask her what she was sorry for, cause I didn't even want to get into it, cause I'm getting answers here and I didn't really feel like asking her a billion questions about that, to piss her off, cause she's already pretty annoyed with me that I'm asking so many damn questions.
So then I told her that Jade was right, so then I went to explain that I had told Jade that I loved her, of course, and how I was feeling, and that she was with Cody, and all this other, and I did not have any private conversations with Jade about Eva that I wasn't suppose to be having I was just explaining to Jade my feelings. And so after she gets over that, she's like so what is she right about, and I told her that Jade had said it seems like I fell in love with a dream, and she's like oh, so I asked her if Jade was really right or not, or if it just seemed that way. And she's like I... and I'm like I don't want to hear an I don't know again, its a yes or no question, and she's like yes, you fell in love with a dream. So there it is, finally. Answers. That don't include "I don't knows." And then she's like you know I didn't mean to hurt you cause I don't want too, and at that moment I busted out laughing really really hard. And she's like okay I'm going to hang up now, and I'm like no don't please so on and so forth. So she's like okay so then I go on to explain that she already did, and she always has, with her making me think that she wanted me, but all she really wanted was sex, and so on and so forth, and somehow somewhere things probably would be different right now she said so herself if I hadn't blown up on her in December. Cause she actually said she actually had feelings for me then. And she's like well he has my heart, and I'm like well thats great, but you have mine. And she's like I know and I've been trying to give it back to you, and you don't seem to want it.
I don't seem to want my heart? How is that possibly, I'd rather have it then what she is and has done to it. But I didn't even bother to tell her that, cause she was wanting to hang up on me anyways, but okay, remind me not to call you, when I'm drunk okay? So her and I talked a little bit longer, and we both decided, mutually that its time, I let her go, I move on finally, and she said that since she's done what she's done when she makes me think she wants me. She said that we could either be friends only or nothing at this particular moment. So I think I can handle friends with her? Although I did explain to her I don't think we ever really was friends (Thanks everwood for sticking that part of the episode into my brain) but its still true, I don't really think we ever was. Honestly. And she was like well I'll be here if you ever need someone to talk to, cause I do understand you, you just annoy me every now and then. And then she's like "hold on" so I'm like okay, so she disappears, so I'm sitting there on the phone waiting listening to silence when the phone hangs up on me, I don't know if she did that, or if she meant to or what. But it did.
So I guess friends is a good way to end that conversation?
So now that I finally got answers out of her..her personally..
I think its time I can finally move on. Cause right now, I don't feel anything towards her at all, love, hate, any of it, I don't feel it. I do although feel like this part has finally ended that theres finally some closure to my feelings for her and her not so much feelings for me.
So now maybe I can put this song to some use and actually, mean the words to it.
Oh p.s. you was right, all of you that said there was nothing there. okay?
I came here to let you know
The letting go
Has taken place
I have held the winter's son
Become one
Set my pace
Isn't that what we wanted all along
Freedom like a stone
But I can say goodbye
Now that the passion's died
Still it comes so slow
The letting go
Piece by piece I take apart
This complicated heart
And I hope to find
Something I can prove is real
I can feel is truth
I can say is mine
That's all I ever wanted to be
The closer that I got
The further I could see
But when lovers change
And the night feels strange
We choose our road
The letting go
I came here to let you know
The letting go
Has taken place
n1ghtshade But the sun is still in the sky and shining above you.. Feb 22nd, 2008 9:38:29 am - Subscribe
I think I need to start writing again, not just in journal form but like I think I need to start writing short stories or something again like I use too, because I think if I can't get out what everybody thinks I need to in just writing, maybe I can that way, you know? Maybe then I can put everything into that. An maybe, it'll work. We'll have to see.
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Mood: fragile
Music...: What's Left Of Me - Nick Lachey
Can it be summer now?? I don't know what else to say other then right now I am very happy, and very content, and I just want summer to be here.
