I cut
I cry
And yet I don't
Bleed
I don't feel any better
But Yet I don't feel any worse.
I don't feel anything at all
So I cut again
Hoping to feel something
I don't need to feel much
Just something.
Other then this dark emptiness
I am crying even harder now
I can barely breath
Why can't I feel anything?
I silently scream
I cut even deeper
I start to bleed
Finally something
Why do I get to this point?
I am crying so hard I can't see
But I am still cutting
Still trying to feel
Still silently screaming
Why can't I stop?
So many thoughts are
Going through my mind
I stop.
Everything around me is silent
Darkness falls around me
But its beautiful
It calms me and tortures me
All at the same time.
I let out a scream
Cause the silence is to much to bare
I still feel so numb
I'm bleeding
Its beautiful.
I'm shaking
When will I feel again?
I take a deep breath
Still barely breathing
I run my razor acrossed my arm.
Still nothing
Just more blood
More tears run down my face
Over and over again
I drag the blade acrossed my skin
Trying to feel
The only sound now
Is my heartbeat
Blood is flowing down my arms now
I go outside the stars are shining.
So I'm not alone
I fall to the ground
I cut
One last time
Nothing
Still!!!
What is wrong with me?
I drop the razor
It falls to the ground
I look up at the stars
Crying harder
Still barely breathing.
The moon comes out
And joins the stars
Its a full moon
Its bright white
It seems to be smiling at me.
The cold wind starts to blow
At first I can't feel it
Then all of a sudden
I feel it
Against my skin and face.
And I make a silent promise
To the wind, moon and stars
Never
To pick up a razor
Ever again.
0 Comments
Mood: emotionless
Music...: She Hasn't Heard It Yet - Jamie O'Neal
n1ghtshadeRing and Card Jade sent me :) Jan 21st, 2008 4:30:38 am - Subscribe
So this is what Jade got me for Christmas isn't it nice? I love it
And the card she sent me
The Truth About Love
For Faith
By Jessica "Jade"
No matter what you think about love
forget it now and look to yourself
I can see it in the words you say
You're loving people
And all they do is play these games
that make you want things
you think you wanna find
Well, I'm here to tell you
Lifes not kind, but
Hold on strong, don't waste a second more
These people after you
Can't give you anything you deserve
Don't settle for less.
I'm right behind you
Always, Forever I'm here to help you.
Every single day can get harder
Loneliness just keeps sinking in
Believe me, I know how it feels
To have your heart crucified,
Just like Jesus when all he did
Was try sometimes bad things
Happen to good people.
And you're the best they come
Trust me you've helped saved me
And I'll always save you, if I can
Look ahead don't look behind you
Believe every word thats in your heart
When its hurting, scared
Listing off things things it needs to be free
Believe me when I say
It's really all going to be okay.
Seasons Greetings
I just want to say "Hi!"
I love you, Merry Christmas & Thank god I found you!
Thanks for always being there
Love Always,
Jessica "Jade"
0 Comments
Mood: okay
Music...: You Rescued Me - Jamie O'Neal
n1ghtshadeJanurary...Twenty-third...two-thousand-eight... Jan 23rd, 2008 10:35:06 am - Subscribe
Faith: -hugs-
Hanz Dogz: heath ledger died -cries-
Faith: aww yeah i know
Hanz Dogz: ive been at work and just found out
Faith: oh
Faith: he was found in some new york apartment
Hanz Dogz: he was one of my fave actors -cries-
Faith: awwww -hugs-
Faith: somebody said that they said it was a drug overdose
Hanz Dogz: they said he suffered from anxiety
Hanz Dogz: and all he wanted to do was sleep
Faith: oh
Faith: i'm wide awake lol
Hanz Dogz: so am i haha
Hanz Dogz: i just finished work im eating dinner
Faith: cool
Hanz Dogz: its almost midnight lol
Faith: lol oh
Faith: its almost 7 am here
Hanz Dogz: ive been at work since 5.15
Faith: wow
Faith: i kind of like this being up early thing lol
Faith: nobody's up and its just me, so its nice and quite
Faith: quiet*
Hanz Dogz:
Hanz Dogz: lol i like to be a noisy fucker but i cant
Faith: yeah me 2
Faith: and i have no clue what i'm listening to
Hanz Dogz: lol
Faith: and my plan is to stay up the rest of the day lol
Hanz Dogz: nice
Faith: yeah
Hanz Dogz: im going to hop into the shower i smell like pizza
Hanz Dogz: brb
Faith: hb
Hanz Dogz: back
Hanz Dogz: thats better
Faith: wb
Hanz Dogz: ty
Faith: yvw
Faith: well i knocked over a bunch of stuff, a couple minutes ago, so i'm hoping it didn't wake up my brother lol
Hanz Dogz: lol
Hanz Dogz: well done
Faith: well i went to the bathroom to put peroxide on my cuts (which don't look right but then again they've never been this deep either) and then i came back over here and ran into my chest and everything decided it wanted to crash to the floor lol
Hanz Dogz: lol
Hanz Dogz: y may i ask you have cuts -rised eyebrow-
Faith: thats a long story lol mostly i put them there, and yeah their deeper then normal and yeah
Hanz Dogz: -blush- i know ive done that myself PLENTY of times
Faith: oh well i've done it since i was 15
Hanz Dogz: yeah i was 12 when i started
Hanz Dogz: when my pop passed away
Faith: oh
Faith: i'm sorry
Hanz Dogz: i used to hit myself on the thighs till i was black
Faith: ouch
Faith: nobody knows except a few close friends my parent's don't even know
Hanz Dogz: shit hey
Hanz Dogz: its hard i know
Hanz Dogz: -hugs-
Faith: yeah -hugs-
Faith: a bunch of them think i'm nuts
Hanz Dogz: i dont think your nuts my ex was a HUGE cutter
Hanz Dogz: she has scars ontop of scars
Faith: yeah i don't have to many scars, although i've cut alot, but i don't always scar for some reason
Hanz Dogz: depending how you do it i guess i dont have many scars either i just dont
Hanz Dogz: in a way its good but i would like some sometimes
Faith: yeah me 2
Hanz Dogz: i used to perposly get scratched at work when working with the reptiles just coz it felt good
Faith: wow, i all of a sudden don't feel so out of place
Hanz Dogz: its all good sweety -hugs-
Faith: -hugs-
Hanz Dogz: you ever need ANYTHING im here
Faith: thanks i aperiate that, same goes for you
Hanz Dogz: sweet by the way....your not weird
Faith: thats good to know, cause i feel like it most of the time, and people keep telling me i am
Faith: i'm a lil worried about these ones, cause when i did it yesterday morning, i didn't feel anything, and i still don't, and i know i should
Hanz Dogz: no not all the time
Hanz Dogz: ive done some that i think FUCK that was bad but felt nothing
Faith: well thats where i am
Hanz Dogz: dont worry its all good not to feel anything
Faith: completely not feel anything though?
Hanz Dogz: its all good
Hanz Dogz: trust me
Faith: i trust u
Hanz Dogz: you need to hear it plan out i know
*more conversation skipped conversation*
Hanz Dogz: yeah but you cant just stop coz someone tells you
Faith: yeah
Faith: i try though
Hanz Dogz: you do it if you want to not coz your told
Faith: and then they make me promise not to, and i'm good for a whileand then i do things like yesterday
Faith: i want to so i can stop hurting everybody i just don't know how
Hanz Dogz: i tell you.....you will never give it up!!!
Faith: its like they tell me all the time to deal with things, stuff i haven't, and its like i don't know how, cause i've never been good at dealing with stuff
Hanz Dogz: its something thats in yourlife and there will always be this thing in the back of your head to do it
Faith: yeah and i always give into that thing
Hanz Dogz: you may never cut again but it will be in your head to
Hanz Dogz: im the very same so i understand completely
Faith: i almost went 8 months without doing so last year
Hanz Dogz: good
Faith: and then i messed up and did it the first of december, and then people made me promise not to, and i was doing good up until yesterday
Hanz Dogz: its all good dont make people tell you wat you can and cant do with your body ok
Faith: ok
Faith: you know i'm a lil shocked...i've talked to a lot of people about this mostly people that have done it or do it still, and its like they don't get me, and idk, it seems like you actually understand me without even me trying
Hanz Dogz:
Hanz Dogz: see you just get people sometimes
Hanz Dogz: and its all good you really dont have to say much for me to understand
Hanz Dogz: you take things to heart VERY easy like me....
Faith: yeah i do
Hanz Dogz: and i tell ya its hard to get it out of your head
Hanz Dogz: and it eats at you and eats at you until you snap
Hanz Dogz: and cutting is your releasr
Hanz Dogz: release*
Faith: yeah it is
Hanz Dogz: im the same but i dont cut very often mine is taking drugs, sleeping and drinking
Hanz Dogz: and getting angry
Faith: yeah
Faith: i drink a lot, just on weekends and sleep alot, and cut, and if all that don't work i try and forget everything just ignore it all
Hanz Dogz: thats y im on the puter alot!
Faith: yeah me 2
Faith: well i shouldn't be because we're way over our limit
Faith: but idk
Faith: i started cutting the day after i was raped by my mom's bestfriend, then months later my parents found out what happened, then 3 days later, it all got blamed on me, everybody believed my mom's bestfriend, and she still hangs around, and mom and her are close as ever, and i haven't dealt with that, and i haven't dealt with getting raped by my mom's bestfriend's neighbor last march either
Hanz Dogz: i pay for my own internet
Faith: well as soon as i get a job, in a couple months, if not sooner, i will be lol
Hanz Dogz: -shakes head-
Hanz Dogz: see thats fucked
Faith: yeah
Faith: and no the guy last year isn't in jail, i didn't do anything about it, cause i knew it would be the same as last time
Faith: which is why brandy thinks that it doesn't bother me
Hanz Dogz: -hugs- i think it does matter
Hanz Dogz: i was raped at school by a guy that was in my class
Faith: it does -hugs-
Hanz Dogz: and i STILL havent gotta over it
Faith: wow
Faith: -hugs-
Hanz Dogz: i can sleep with guys it scares the fuck out of me
Hanz Dogz:
Hanz Dogz: i think thats one thing that helped me find out that i was gay
Faith: yeah well the guy last year kind of destoryed my hope for ever being with a guy
Hanz Dogz: they do that !! assholes
Faith: yeah they do
Faith: you know i've thought about telling you about my cutting and everything lots of times before, but i didn't cause i figured you'd freak out like a lot of other people so yeah
Hanz Dogz: ohh HELL no
Hanz Dogz: i suprise people hahah
Hanz Dogz: -smiles-
Faith: -smiles- yeah you do
Faith: its funny people try to get me to talk bout whats going on in my head, and lots of time i do tell them, and they don't get it so idk half the time i don't know what is going in my head myself lol
Hanz Dogz: lol
Hanz Dogz: i know how that feels
Hanz Dogz: ppl trying to get me to take anti depressants i dont want to
Hanz Dogz: and see councelers
Faith: yeah people have tried to get me to see councelers and doctors, and i'm scared of doctors so i don't go, besides i don't think it would help and i've thought about the whole anti depressants but i've heard from a lot of people that they just make you feel worse
Hanz Dogz: i didnt like them
Hanz Dogz: it didnt work
Faith: yeah i did find out talking to people helps a lot
Hanz Dogz: yeah it can
Faith: which i do talk alot..not so much to people how i'm really feeling and stuff, unless i think their really going to get it and not think i'm weird or nuts or crazy or anything like that, and then if i do find somebody who i can trust who doesn't think all that, i'm pretty much an open book lol
Hanz Dogz: lol
Hanz Dogz: god your so like me
Hanz Dogz: yr older then me right ??
Faith: nope i'm 19
Hanz Dogz: yeah younger
Faith: yep
Faith: its weird cause i think mom has an idea of what's going on, where all these scars have come from, and everything, and yet she doesnt want to deal with it
Hanz Dogz: they dont normaly
Faith: lol maybe next month i'll try not to even realize its actually febuary lol
Hanz Dogz: lol
Faith: i don't techinally like next month lol
Faith: thats a cool snoopy tattoo -smiles-
Hanz Dogz: thanks -smiles-
Faith: your welcome
Hanz Dogz: i love my frog on my leg more
Faith: yeah the frog is pretty
Faith: its to quiet now lol i'm not use to everybody being asleep at the same time lol
Hanz Dogz: lol
Hanz Dogz: yeah everyone is asleep here
Faith: cool
Hanz Dogz: but im still wired from work
Faith: lol yeah
Faith: my cats are fights so there isn't any point in going to bed because they'll just wake me up and i'll have to go save frisky again lol
Faith: fighting*
Faith: dad will be up in a couple hours sure and i bet he wakes up mom like he has a habit of doing so then it won't be quiet anymore lol
Hanz Dogz: hehe
Faith: and then i can get a cup of coffee lol
Hanz Dogz: i still have about 2 hours before april comes wakes me up to take her to work
Faith: oh
Hanz Dogz: yeah she starts work at 5 and i drive her to work
Faith: cool
Hanz Dogz: so im sorry to be a pain im going to head to bed
Faith: okies have a good night
Faith: -hugs-
Faith: take care
Hanz Dogz: take care of yourself and if you ever need anything just leave me a message ok
Faith: okies i will
Faith: u2
Hanz Dogz: and ill get back to asap
Hanz Dogz: -hugs-
Faith: -hugs-
Hanz Dogz: love ya matey -hugs & kisses-
Faith: love ya to -hugs & kisses-
0 Comments
Mood: okay
Music...: A New Day Has Come (Radio Remix) - Celine Dion
n1ghtshadeThese are the first 10 songs I woke up to this morning. Jan 24th, 2008 12:34:11 pm - Subscribe
Modern Day Drifter - Dierks Bently
I'm gonna be a modern day drifter
And get out while I can
Gonna trade in this life i've been livin
For a pocket full of sand
And a modern day drifter don't have to tell no one his plans
I'm gonna find that long stretch of highway
No one knows my name
Where as long as the sky just goes on
And it's never the same
A modern day drifter don't ever complain
Bye bye hi life
Feels like the right time
To say so long
Keep on goin strong
And i'll just keep on bein gone
Cause i'm gonna be a modern day drifter, Yes I am
Gonna slip this ring off my finger
Cause everybody understands
That a modern day drifter's got nothin but time on his hands
Bye bye hi life
Feels like the right time
To say so long
Keep on goin strong
And i'll just keep on bein gone
Cuse i'm gonna be a modern day drifter
Oh yes I am
Gonna slip this ring off my finger
Cause everybdy understands
That a modern day drifter's got nothin but time on his hands
My Immortal - Evanescence
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
[Chorus:]
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
[Chorus]
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along
[Chorus]
Want To - Sugarland
(Verse 1)
I've packed a cooler and a change of clothes
Let's jump and see how far it goes
You got my heart and your daddy's boat
We got all night to make it float
We could sit on the shore, we could just be friends
Or we could jump in
(Chorus)
Whole world could change in a minute
Just one kiss could stop this spining
We could think it through
But I don't want to, if you don't want to
We could keep things just the same
Leave here the way we came, with nothing to lose
But I don't want to, if you don't want to
(Verse 2)
I got your ring around my neck
And a couple of nights I don't regret
You got a dream of a degree
And a shirt that smells like me
Yeah we both got dreams, we could chase alone
Or we could make our own
(Chorus)
Whole world could change in a minute
Just one kiss could stop this spining
We could think it through
But I don't want to, if you don't want to
We could keep things just the same
Leave here the way we came, with nothing to lose
But I don't want to, if you don't want to
(Bridge)
Never waste another day
Wonderin' what you threw away
Holdin me, holdin you
I don't want to, if you don't want to
(Refrain)
We could keep things just the same
Leave here the way we came, with nothing to lose
But I don't want to, but you don't want to
But I want you
Eventually - Pink
I'm an opportunity
And I knock so softly
Sometimes I get loud
When I wish everybody'd just get off me
So many players
You'd think I was a board game
It's every man for themselves
There are no teammates
This life gets lonely
When everybody wants something
They'll smile up in your face
But they'll get theirs eventually
And I hope I'm there
Surrounded by familiar faces with no name
None of them know me
Or want to share my pain
They only wish to bask in my light
Then fade away
To win my love, to them a game
To watch me live my life in vain
When all is done and the glitter fades, fades away
They'll get theirs eventually
And I hope I'm there
I drank your poison
'Cause you told me it's wine
Shame on you if you fooled me once
Shame on me if you fooled me twice
I didn't know the price
You'll get yours eventually
So what good am I to you
If I can't be broken
You'll get yours, yes
You'll get yours eventually
Life Is A Highway - Rascal Flatts
Whooo umm yeah...
Life's like a road that you travel on
When there's one day here and the next day gone
Sometimes you bend, sometimes you stand
Sometimes you turn your back to the wind
There's a world outside ev'ry darkened door
Where blues won't haunt you anymore
Where brave are free and lovers soar
Come ride with me to the distant shore
We won't hesitate
To break down the garden gate
There's not much time left today
[Chorus:]
Life is a highway
I wanna ride it all night long
If you're going my way
I wanna drive it all night long
Through all these cities and all these towns
It's in my blood and it's all around
I love you now like I loved you then
This is the road and these are the hands
From Mozambique to those Memphis nights
The Khyber Pass to Vancouver's lights
Knock me down get back up again
You're in my blood
I'm not a lonely man
There's no load I can't hold
Road so rough this I know
I'll be there when the light comes in
Just tell 'em we're survivors
[Chorus]
Gimme gimme gimme gimme yeah
[Chorus]
There was a distance between you and I (between you and I)
A misunderstanding once
But now we look it in the eye
Ooooo...Yeah!
There ain't no load that I can't hold
Road so rough this I know
I'll be there when the light comes in
Just tell 'em we're survivors
[Chorus: (x3)]
Life is a highway
I wanna ride it all night long
If you're going my way
I wanna drive it all night long
Gimme gimme gimme gimme yeah
Teardrops On My Guitar - Taylor Swift
Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see
That I want and I'm needing everything that we should be
I'll bet she's beautiful, that girl he talks about
And she's got everything that I have to live without
Drew talks to me, I laugh cause it's so damn funny
That I can't even see anyone when he's with me
He says he's so in love, he's finally got it right,
I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night
[Chorus:]
He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do
Drew walks by me, can he tell that I can't breathe?
And there he goes, so perfectly,
The kind of flawless I wish I could be
She'd better hold him tight, give him all her love
Look in those beautiful eyes and know she's lucky cause
[Repeat Chorus]
So I drive home alone, as I turn out the light
I'll put his picture down and maybe
Get some sleep tonight
He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do
He's the time taken up, but there's never enough
And he's all that I need to fall into..
Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see
Change - Garth Brooks
One hand
Reaches out
And pulls a lost soul from harm
While a thousand more go unspoken for
They say what good have you done
By saving just this one
It's like whispering a prayer
In the fury of a storm
And I hear them saying you'll never change things
And no matter what you do it's still the same thing
But it's not the world that I am changing
I do this so this world will know
That it will not change me
This heart
Still believes
The love and mercy still exist
While all the hatred rage and so many say
That love is all but pointless in madness such as this
It's like trying to stop a fire
With the moisture from a kiss
And I hear them saying you'll never change things
And no matter what you do it's still the same thing
But it's not the world that I am changing
I do this so this world will know
That it will not change me
As long as one heart still holds on
Then hope is never really gone
I hear them saying you'll never change things
And no matter what you do it's still the same thing
But it's not the world that I am changing
I do this so this world we know
Never changes me
What I do is so
This world will know
That it will not change me
You Are Loved (Don't Give Up) - Josh Groban
Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
When your heart's heavy
I...I will lift it for you
Don't give up
Because you want to be heard
If silence keeps you
I...I will break it for you
Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved
Don't give up
It's just the hurt that you hide
When you're lost inside
I...I will be there to find you
Don't give up
Because you want to burn bright
If darkness blinds you
I...I will shine to guide you
Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved
You are loved
Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
Don't give up
Every one needs to be heard
You are loved
Catalyst - Anna Nalick
L.A. lights never shine quite as bright as in the movies
Still wanna go?
'Cause something here
In the way, in the way that we're constantly moving
Reminds you of home
So you're taking these pills
For to fill up your soul
And you're drinking them down with cheap alcohol
And I'd be inclined to be yours for the taking
And part of this terrible mess that you're making
But me, I'm the catalyst
When you say love is a simple chemical reaction
Can't say I agree
'Cause my chemical, yeah, left me a beautiful disaster
Still love's all I see
So I'm taking these pills for to fill up my soul
And I'm drinking them down with cheap alcohol
And you'd be inclined to be mine for the taking
And part of this terrible mess that I'm making
But you, you're the catalyst
You'll be the vein
You'll be the pain
You'll be the scar
You'll be the road, rolling below
The wheels of a car
And all of the thoughts, on God
Don't know if I'm strong enough now
You'll be the vein
You'll be the pain
You'll be the
Catalyst
These L.A. lights, no no,
They don't shine quite as bright as back in Frisco
Do you wanna go?
Still wanna go
Seven Spanish Angels - Willie Nelson
He looked down into her brown eyes,
Said, " Say a prayer for me."
She threw her arms around him,
Whispered, "God will keep us free."
They could hear the riders comin,
He said, "This is my last fight.
If they take me back to Texas,
They won't take me back alive."
Chorus
There were seven Spanish Angels,
At the alter of the Sun.
They were prayin' for the lovers,
In the valley of the gun.
When the battle stopped,
And the smoke cleared.
There was thunder from the throne.
And seven Spanish angels,
Took another angel home.
She reached down and picked the gun up,
That lay smokin in his hand.
She said, "Father please forgive me,
I can't make it without my man."
And she knew the gun was empty,
And she knew she couldn't win.
Her final prayer was answered,
When the rifles fired again.
0 Comments
Mood: content
Music...: My Immortal - Evanescence
n1ghtshadeyesterday's convo with Hannnah Jan 29th, 2008 12:08:50 pm - Subscribe
Hanz Dogz: heya sorry about yesty sweets had a really bad day
Hanz Dogz: i got so pissed yesty i was stupid and fucking cut
Faith: awww
Faith: and its okay just glad your okay -hugs-
Hanz Dogz: am now feel a little better just had really bad dreams
Faith: aww well at least your feeling better
Hanz Dogz: it was just one of them days you know ??
Faith: yeah
Faith: i understand
Hanz Dogz: and you dont know what started it or whats happeing and you can just feel yourself getting angrier and angrier and people start pushing your buttons till your going to snap
Faith: yeah
Hanz Dogz: i did yesty and i told my flatmate off for hounding me just had enough hey
Faith: wow
Hanz Dogz: then i went into the bathroom for a shower to calm down and yeah i was stupid paying for it now my leg is killing me and yeah all good
Faith: well it just happens sometimes
Hanz Dogz: i know and see i was telling you the other night didnt i ??
Hanz Dogz: and you have to stop listening to what people say about you and so do i
Faith: yeah its gonna take some pratice though lol
Hanz Dogz: i have to go to the docs today and i will prob have to get stictches in my leg but ohh well
Faith: yeah thats bad i've never cut that deep before
Hanz Dogz: i know it will matey thats the first time i cutted since my ex and i broke up about 5-6months ago
Faith: wow
Faith: well we both can get back to not doing it for months again -hugs-
Hanz Dogz: sounds like a challenge -hugs-
Faith: does it?
Hanz Dogz: see things have to be pretty fucked up for me too do that and i tell ya yesty i was FAR beyond caring hey
Faith: yeah i know how that goes
Hanz Dogz: i know i came across like a bitch hey and dont say i didnt coz i was
Hanz Dogz: thats y i went offline
Faith: hey its okay, it was good for me lol
Faith: its been a long time since somebody's just told me how it is without trying to cover it up with something
Hanz Dogz: it is but it isnt i know your situation and how hard it is to be talked to like an ass so thats y i thought no hannah get offline before you say something that your going to pay for tomorrow
Faith: yeah
Faith: well everybody else has yelled at me worse then you did yesterday so its okay, plus i knew that you understood what was going on, and you cared so it was just coming from that too
Hanz Dogz: yeah it was
Hanz Dogz: yeah but there yelling is caring abou themselfs not you
Faith: yeah
Hanz Dogz: trying to cover there asses incase something happens to you they did the good thing and said there piece
Faith: yeah they did
Hanz Dogz: you understand my point
Faith: yes
Hanz Dogz: havent had lots of experience but ive had enough to know
Hanz Dogz: people that say they care and yell and scream at you pisses me off hey
Hanz Dogz: and dont really show it yeah i dont know
Faith: yea it does me too lol a couple of them and i've had a few different talks and i think their figuring it out i just can't stop
Faith: and one of them told me i scare her, cause she's had a friend almost like me that died from it
Faith: so see i don't mind you yelling at me, cause i know a lot of the time thats what i need to get through to me lol
Hanz Dogz: see your learning fast
Hanz Dogz: but there is yelling and meaning it and yelling but not caring
Faith: yeah
Faith: well i know you care, so if i needed yelled at feel free to do so
Faith: need*
Hanz Dogz: lol
Hanz Dogz: you never NEED yelling at that doesnt help trust me
Faith: well it helped yesterday
Hanz Dogz: tell me how it helped ??
Faith: idk i was just in one of my moods and you yelling at me and telling me how things was just kind of helped a lot
Hanz Dogz: good im glad i could helpl you understand a little more
Hanz Dogz: now for the peanut dance
Hanz Dogz: lol sorry that was very random
Faith: its okay
Faith: i still don't want to stop cutting on my own though not really i mean yeah part of me does, and part of me doesn't really and i think i need a lil motivation to quit completely
Hanz Dogz: just.....i know this sounds a little stupid but what do you love more then anything in the world that dont cost money to do ?
Faith: writing
Hanz Dogz: well then.....everytime you feel like cutting instead of doing it....write about how it feels and how your going to do it
Hanz Dogz: but refrain from doing it can you try that for me ??
Faith: i can try it
Hanz Dogz: goodo and let me know how it works out
Faith: i will
Hanz Dogz: but you understand what im saying huh?
Faith: yes
Hanz Dogz: see mine was karaoke i know funni but i sang sad songs and how i felt songs
Hanz Dogz: like dixie chicks not ready to make nice
Faith: cool
Faith: thats a good song
Faith: i'm not real good at writing, but i like doing it most then anything else lol
Hanz Dogz: yeah i cant write for shit but thats one good piece of info ive been given hey
Hanz Dogz: just tunnel your cutting pain into something else and you dont do it
Hanz Dogz: see i could yesty and i cut
Faith: yeah
Faith: well we all have times where we slip up so its okay
Hanz Dogz: YES IT IS and you have to except that and if people keep telling you NO NO NO dont do it is going to subconsesly make you want to do it more
Hanz Dogz: for me please dont promise me....all this shit is fucked up ok
Faith: yea it is
Hanz Dogz: see its not omg your hurting yourself please stop its please stop for ME
Faith: yea
Faith: which is why i don't like telling people when it happens, but then they get even madder when they don't know lol
Hanz Dogz: yeah i know
Faith: i wanted to do it a lot more then i did but i kept ignoring it
Hanz Dogz: good but dont always ignore it coz it bottles up try doing something that will still bring that pain out but stop it from being cutting pain
Faith: yea
Faith: yea i got people telling me i need to go to a counseler
Hanz Dogz: thats bullshit im spose to go and i dont
Faith: well i don't really want to, cause i don't really open up to people unless i'm comfortable with them, and i don't want to spend a few hundred bucks just to go and then finally get comfortable with them
Hanz Dogz: yep
Hanz Dogz: well i know im on the other side of the globe but im here to help ive been in the same situation
Faith: i know you are and i'm here to help to if u ever need anything
Hanz Dogz: good as long as we know where each other stands thats great
Faith: yeah it is
Faith: i'm not so much good at the advice thing but i try, but i'm really good at listening
Hanz Dogz: sweet coz i like giving advice hahaha
Faith: cool
Faith: i'm glad i finally told u what was going on
Hanz Dogz: i know im glad you can confide in me feels good
Faith: well i trust you i always have
Hanz Dogz: -smiles- im glad you think that makes me happy
Hanz Dogz: ive never not talk to you i think your awesome
Faith: well i think your awesome too
Hanz Dogz: i think im the only one that calls you lighto still aint i ?
Hanz Dogz: i think im the only one that calls you lighto still aint i ?
Faith: yes
Hanz Dogz: -smiles- sweet
Faith: your the one that started it
Hanz Dogz: lol was i
Faith: yep
Hanz Dogz: shit hey i thought someoe else did
Faith: nope
Faith: you started it, and then it caught on for a little while and then it ended up being u was the only one that would still call me lighto
Hanz Dogz: ohh -blushes- if you dont like it i can stop
Faith: i like it
Hanz Dogz: good -smiles-
Faith: -smiles-
Faith: no one's ever came up with a nick name for me so yeah
Hanz Dogz: im STAVING its like 6.05am
Faith: wow
Hanz Dogz: im thinking of taking a trip down to maccas for sausage and egg mcmuffins with hashbrowns
Hanz Dogz:
Faith: yummy
Faith: i've always liked my lighto nickname -smiles-
Hanz Dogz: goodo ill stick to it
Faith: ok cool
Faith: mom's still sound asleep lol
Faith: wb
Hanz Dogz: sorry went and got breaky yummy
Faith: its ok
Hanz Dogz: sausage and egg mcmuffins with hash browns orange juice and smokes lol
Hanz Dogz: quick death
Faith: yummy
Hanz Dogz: i hope so
Faith: its weird mom wants to quit smoking
Hanz Dogz: its hard let me tell ya
Faith: yeah
Hanz Dogz: hey im going to go for abit and eat this ok
Faith: okies
Hanz Dogz: so chat later??
Faith: okies i'll be here
Hanz Dogz: just think about what i said ok
Faith: i will
Hanz Dogz: love ya lots -hugs-
Faith: love ya too -hugs-
0 Comments
Mood: great
Music...: Nothing Else Matters - Metallica
How am I supposed to breathe?
I try to relax. I touch your still frame
So I can watch you closer
And study the ways I believe I belong to you (i'm sorry)
I scratch at your waist line... your doll hair
I dig up the thought of how your eyes glow
So I make you my religion, my collision, an escape goat
So have I found your secret weak spot, baby?
[Chorus] Can you pretend I'm amazing?
I can pretend I'm amazing...
Instead of what we both know
I cut to the punch line baby Can you pretend I'm amazing
Instead of what we both know
Now our history is for sale
And for that I apoligize You see you're my only know how
The study of when I believe I belonged to you
You see I've made you into something delicious,
My sweet ghost
So have I found your secret weak spot, baby?
[Chorus] Can you pretend I'm amazing?
I can pretend I'm amazing...
Instead of what we both know I cut to the punch line baby Can you pretend I'm amazing
Instead of what we both know
