rules are for breaking?
i don't want to be human anymore. take me off this ride.
“you are a horse running alone
and he tries to tame you
compares you to an impossible highway
to a burning house
says you are blinding him
that he could never leave you
want anything but you
you dizzy him, you are unbearable
every woman before or after you
is doused in your name
you fill his mouth
his teeth ache with memory of taste
his body just a long shadow seeking yours
but you are always too intense
frightening in the way you want him
unashamed and sacrificial
he tells you that no man can live up to the one who
lives in your head
and you tried to change didn’t you?
closed your mouth more
tried to be softer
less volatile, less awake
but even when sleeping you could feel
him travelling away from you in his dreams
so what did you want to do love
split his head open?
you can’t make homes out of human beings
someone should have already told you that
and if he wants to leave
then let him leave
you are terrifying
and strange and beautiful
something not everyone knows how to love.”
— for women who are difficult to love, warsan shire
|so much interesting stuff keeps happening and i have no idea why. i'm constantly tired, think it's the effects of winter and my SAD. plus all the eventful stuff going on. i haven't felt this connected to anyone since i first met rich. attachment freaks me the fuck out. can't believe it's december already, mum's birthday tomorrow. then the whole xmas family deal. ugh. i wish i had my own family. i wish i belonged somewhere.|
achey, cold feets, turned on. need cuddles and a massage. oopssssssss/days.
veronica mars/mean girls love.
2:15am, christmas markets tomorrow. lovely but annoying night tonight.
think i'm exhausted.
i have to thank you for today, for putting up with the worst of me, especially when i mentioned your need to fulfil a sense of feeling useful and worthy (which is probably why you're doing it, but hey). i don't get you and how i can feel this about you because it feels like i'm so comfortable around you already. this is the right kind of risk taking though, proud of myself for that at least. trust and attachment are the big ones.
but you were so casual about it, "has the moment passed then? ;p i was just waiting patiently for it" and "you'll get back there, it's just a setback."
i have some good shit in my life i am grateful for.
in other news, the statutory declaration only costs £5 or £10 soooooooooo, it's going ahead, i think. we'll see.
if you read this, can we possibly talk on fb then? unblock my v. ametrine one? there's no point in trying to have a private conversation over my blog.
let me know either way?
i'm having some extremely interesting times at the moment. every time i want to share anything i literally have been living too much and get too exhausted and tired. i have so much on my mind, things are moving forwards fast, sometimes even without me realising they are and it's fucking scary because i don't have time to think, except i have time to think. i mean, i have time but i don't. i don't get my life anymore. i don't get how i'm finally around emotionally available people. i don't get how i may have the chance to experience a strong male role in my life. i don't get how i knew all my issues yet i didn't until now. everything's too fucking clear and yet too fast to deal with.
the sky was amazing this afternoon.
if you read this, i hope you had a brilliant thanksgiving and i'm glad you're well. and if you want to, i'd like to talk to you because i have so much to say that i'm not even managing to write here. x
almost fucked a 42 yr old guy, that was interesting.
also, rich is back.
AND, i still see you perving. i'm sure that's all you ever liked me for. the possibility of you fucking my legs and feet with your fucking mind.
oh, and life is amazing otherwise. just that it's winter and i've literally been travelling all over the country and doing fun/great stuff but that comes with a price when you have little sleep and you're feeling run down and almost have a cold. travelling again in 2 days.
how about you? :)
(the anon commenter, CTG - who the hell are you?)
|perving on disabled women again, i see you.|
thank you for leaving,
now i'm healing.
be gone and
leave me alone.
you'll always be a boy,
you'll never man up,
you are your family's bitch
and i hope you know
i don't think you're strong,
in fact you're the weakest
that i've ever known
a coward for years,
a vile creature with no regard or compassion
you were a selfish villain
and now i hope you die alone
|i want to meet you at least once in my life.|
|going to go for gold|
and there are tons of ants - wtf ant invasion.
life is good.
and i am the strongest.
and also i am hungry.
i wish i could talk to you, at least once more. you believed in me, you knew i could do it. you were there even if you weren't - but you were in a good way when you were - sometimes anyway. you could see what i blinded myself to about myself not because i was blind to it, because i saw it in others. just was hard to see in myself. it's weird how today i feel tons better and stronger and everything is good again (not sure for how long because of the things that are going on.) i know i'm healing all the time, even through the set backs. i'm still determined. still have hope. still doing this.
they are guilt tripping me about graduation. i didn't even wanna take them ugh. also, apparently my dad never bothered and he tried guilt tripping me into saying it would be the best b'day present ever. ugh. i want my own fam.
plus side, got tons done today. still tons to do! i should make a physical list to feel better about it.
it's official, i struggled but i achieved :)
i am doing all the right things, i am going to be okay.
(update later on today; stormy sea)
so everything was good, woke up feeling great because saturday was a blast. then everything was purely simple - greeting them and asking them how their night out was. THE WAY IT SHOULD BE.
but then as i went to shower, my parents started arguing and then they had to bring me into it. so from not having done anything apparently they needed to have a talk with me and apparently i am still worthless to them. and i went on about how we're not even a family anyway. and they didn't seem to care, all they want to do is bribe and abuse me with money.
so anyway, took off for the afternoon to M/cr and got some cakes and an awesome new book and made my feet hurt lol.
had an amazing day today, i actually couldn't get up out of bed this morning for feeling so shit and now i turned it around :)
at the bus stop we talked to this old lady (NOT being ageist, i'm so tired and adjectives are blank in my mind) and she started chatting and she was so lovely i just wanted to give her all the love. she was complaining about her broken hip but she was saying how she was a fighter and pushed herself to walk every day and ahh. and now she fell again she's having to sell her place and live closer to her family. i think it's nice talking to old people sometimes.
we went and returned r's stuff to warehouse and then went to the indoor market and i bought us smoothies and we literally sat there for the rest of the time. i'm glad i had that smoothie though, kept me going the whole day.
pixel mosaics! random city stuff. people, a one man band, everyone's called mark bazinga now. also walking until our feets are sore ... feeeeets. parkours/free runners. olfactory senses of food. laughter, happiness, smiles. i'll forever regret that you weren't a part of this day when you could have been though. it would have so worked. if only. i am mad at myself. r insists that if you're meant to be in my life you will enter it again someday.
exhausted feets moved to the cornerhouse where they got 5 tables conjoined and we all huddled. AMERICANO confusion for R lulz and sharing stories. outsiders until we thanked mark bazinga and went back on our way. HE TOUCHED ME MEANINGFULLY oh god i felt appreciated. humanly feels. also we may go to the fruit/calendar shoot. participation necessary? october isn't too far from now. isn't that weird shit?
waited around for le craptastic bus - r and i always get deep on the bus. new and upcoming events and meets that we searched sound interesting. dashed home for 5 mins before going to r's and having dinner. think i was hungry. sat and talked for aaaaages and then we were both too tired and watched tv. i remember feeling like i should just go ahead and leave this shitty place, move, rent, rent in Bolton? (oh my god, maybe get into his friends circle and by off chance meet him??) just go ahead with what i want to do instead of settling for any old shit. if they're willing to support financially then i'll be fine. fine but with strings attached right? this is tough but i've got to get away from them. there is no other way. once i'm out for good i will not be sad.
just do it.
came home 10ish (way too tired) and ended up sorting out a million things i'd left in a rush before watching some tv and winding down. parents didn't get back till 11. sc0re. i love the quiet moments, the feelings of freedom. it;s how it should be rly. then she ruined it and came into my pitch black room to check up on me. dickface needs to detach. i have only perceived attachment issues, if i trusted people more i would be fine. she's got some serious shit though.
ok too much need sleep x
someone tell me i don't have to do this?
GIVE IT TO ME LIKE I NEED IT
YOU KNOW HOW TO MAKE ME FEEL IT
(i wish rich was around. -____________-)
damn it i feel like getting intoxicated
or just have tons of sex.
hello wrong kinds of risks, nice to have you back again. i need to self destruct.
(love is unachieveable?)