jessiebell
air, no air - Subscribe
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i feel like you're going to leave me, though you're the closest thing i have to family even if you don't feel the same way. i deny my own feelings, or the importance of them at least and i'm tired of having to seriously worry about everything. i'll never have what i should have had, i'll never have what you have and it makes me feel so alone and excluded. i feel guilty for wanting something i'll never have. |
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jessiebell
lovely news Apr 20th, 2013 4:35:58 pm - Subscribe
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| my writing is mainly private but it has greatly improved. almost coherent word vomit :) |
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jessiebell
"i want you to stay" Mar 26th, 2013 9:48:46 am - Subscribe
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if only someone would tell me those words. i need someone to say those words or i'll disappear forever. but no one cares, and it's me that's made it that way. i remember julia, one of my counsellor's taking on all of my anger and feeling it for me so that i wouldn't have to feel it anymore. and i've always known i've had the right to feel this anger but she confirmed it and took it on for me for a while. i'm thinking i need a new counsellor or something, so i can stop feeling stuff as bad as i do all the time. carl rogers and the humanist psychology movement would be proud of her for doing her job. i've done my level 2 counselling skills, i could do level 3 and 4 and be qualified as a counsellor too. tony lawrence is apparently doing his training. and when he delivered the humanist lecture i was so in love (i was always in love with him anyway.) but obviously, and as he put it "you have to be counselled and get your shit together first." i don't know though, there isn't any humanity in humans anymore. funny to think about but it's true. how many selfish souls have to kill one person like me? but there is light, the sun is radiating warmth and i can feel it, it touches me and moves my heart. it helps that even though it's snowing and bitterly cold, the sun is always there to open my heart. lately hearing anthony head's voice in the radio version of neil gaiman's neverwhere has got me all nostalgic. not only is neverwhere one of my favourite childhood novels, it's just everything that used to inspire me, everything i've forgotten and it's reminding me. reminding me that i can possibly be who i used to be. it's just that no one cares and no one is here for me so i don't have the chance anymore. i can't have a chance to show anything without anyone's love and support. stupid fucking attachment theory again. all i ever wanted was to show you i love you (even though i haven't been making a good job of it lately) and i wanted you to show me..and recovery takes time but that doesn't mean i don't get to live.. i can't spend all my energy on that either. It's not much of a life you're living It's not just something you take, it's given Round and around, and around, and around we go Oh now tell me, now tell me, now tell me, now you know Not really sure how to feel about it Something in the way you move Makes me feel like I can't live without you It takes me all the way I want you to stay Oh the reason I hold on Oh 'cause I need this hole gone Funny you're the broken one but I'm the only one who needed saving 'Cause when you never see the light, it's hard to know which one of us is caving |
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jessiebell
loving someone so much Mar 25th, 2013 7:29:31 pm - Subscribe
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and knowing they'll never feel the same about you. loving with all your heart but never feeling that love in return. being alone, for the rest of your numbered days. silent. silence in the darkness. |
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jessiebell
after all this time Mar 25th, 2013 6:57:19 pm - Subscribe
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Profile of a Sociopath What we refer to as a sociopath is officially a person diagnosed as suffering from antisocial personality disorder. This is the third time the name has changed. The original description was “morally insane.” This was later changed to someone with a “psychopathic personality” – before the most recent name change. Common characteristics include the following: · Superficial and insincere charm. Hence, they may blind people around them with their charm and wit - but it’s never genuine. · Being domineering, manipulative and abusive. · Expert con men. Have no problem lying; are often caught up in a web of lies, and display no remorse if their lying is uncovered. · View people as instruments and victims for their own use. In their mind, “the end justifies the means” so they don’t allow anyone to stand in their way. · Often derive pleasure from hurting and humiliating their victims. · Are in love with themselves, and have a grandiose sense of what they deserve and are entitled to. For example, they see themselves as being above the Law. · Beating the system and breaking the law without getting caught is a game for them. In fact, winning is the key motivator for this person – in everything they do and in all relationships. · Have shallow emotions. Any warm expressive shows are merely feigned and are likely to serve an ulterior motive. They’re incapable of love and can’t experience empathy. Hence, they’re contemptuous of those who feel and show distress. · Lack impulse control and live on the edge. They are huge risk takers so promiscuity, illegal drugs and gambling are all common. They are also likely to demonstrate criminal or entrepreneurial versatility. · Refuses to accept responsibility for their actions. Are quick to blame others even when it’s clear that they themselves are to blame. · Has a history of antisocial behaviours before age 15. This may take the form of repeatedly conning others, being disaffected at school, being involved in criminal activities (such as theft and arson), hurting others without remorse and being cruel to animals. It is crucial to grasp that there is no known cure for a person diagnosed as a sociopath. In fact, it appears that therapy may even make them worse as they use what they’ve learned about human nature to exploit other peoples’ vulnerabilities. They then become more astute at manipulating others and have better excuses that are more believable. Note: All psychopaths are sociopaths but not all sociopath are psychopaths. Psychopaths have an anti-social personality disorder that is accompanied by aggressiveness. |
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jessiebell
qualia on my mind Mar 24th, 2013 3:45:52 pm - Subscribe
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what the damn frack? internets is slow foreverz these days. it's too cold and i wish the snow would die. apparently it's gonna be like this for a few weeks still. so not only do we not have much of a summer anymore, we have an extended winter and a terrible spring. so y'know, maybe i was born to bring the cold ice queens into the world. haven't really thought about my birthday but it'll hit me soon enough. also i'm in a veronica mars mood, or a buffy mood. i could also watch ginger snaps. can't wait till the VM movie, though. “I want to thank you for never being there. Your absence has forced me to find my own way.” — Counterparts “Why do people have to be this lonely? What’s the point of it all? Millions of people in this world, all of them yearning, looking to others to satisfy them, yet isolating themselves. Why? Was the earth put here just to nourish human loneliness?” — Haruki Murakami, Sputnik Sweetheart |
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jessiebell
it's not about blame! 70 + 70 = 100? Mar 23rd, 2013 8:09:35 pm - Subscribe
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"The idea that a relationship between two people is a 50-50 proposition seems both obvious and fair. If both people pull their fair share, the partnership will stay balanced and healthy, right? It seems only logical that to achieve a fulfilling relationship both parties must uphold their half of the bargain. But relationships are too important to "meet in the middle". When I am counseling a couple to improve some troubling aspect of their life together, sometimes it is very easy to determine who owns most of the responsibility for change. For example, if one person has an affair it's not appropriate to say that his or her partner is somehow "to blame" for the infidelity. There are better ways than infidelity to handle dissatisfaction. But many types of relationship difficulties don't provide a clear-cut case of someone being at "fault". The issue often has more to do with how each person handles whatever issue is confronting the relationship. In situations where it seems like both parties just need to find a way to work together, I'm likely to point to each person and say "I recommend that you consider yourself to be 70% of the problem." Of course, two people can't both be more than half of the problem, can they? My response is that they better be. When people try to move toward each other on a 50-50 basis the likelihood is that each will underestimate the amount of movement this requires. The result is that each person thinks the other has shortchanged the deal. But if both people take more than 50% of the responsibility for the problem, they are each more likely to engage in sufficient enough change to make a real difference. It's often better to go a little too far than not far enough. Obviously there is no way to truly measure the percentage of responsibility each person shares in many situations that arise in a relationship. When I tell two person to each accept 70% of the burden of fixing a conflict between them, both usually understand the point that mutually accepting the lion's share of responsibility is better than expecting the other person to be the one to do most of the work. If two people are moving a 100 pound sofa, it's helpful if each of them are capable of lifting more than 50 pounds apiece. It's often a bad outcome when one person expects the other to carry most of the weight. So this 50-50 business makes sense in a lot of situations, but for healthy long-term relationships that math doesn't work: it often takes 70-70 to reach 100." taken from source. |
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jessiebell
GOOD Mar 21st, 2013 12:43:58 pm - Subscribe
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| BYE. |
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jessiebell
stop stalking my blog Jan 19th, 2013 6:04:47 pm - Subscribe
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ugh. so i watched the swedish version of the girl who played with fire again. fincher needs to get a move on though, seriously. i cannot stand this fuckin' version anymore, especially since it cuts out a load of the story and rooney mara portrays lisbeth better, no offence to noomi rapace 'specially 'cause she's swedish an' all but rooney mara, always. books are the best anyways. survival strategies haven't been working lately, even the haircut.. also my ribs/back hurts like i've been fucking kicked in my sleep. but today i ignored it all. going to have a hellish monday now :( travellin' in the snow, ugh. i'm tired of this fucking weather and the fucking cold. die die die. "she hates men who hate women" * found this and this |
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Lisbeth Mortonherst ran up to the top of Barinbeck hill at a fast paced sprint. Her eyes were bloodshot, her hands soiled in the dirt she had used as leverage to run as fast as she possibly could up the hill. Always running, she was unsure about the last time she had stopped to hydrate and catch a quick breath. Danger was closing in and there was nothing else she could do but run. Flee in whichever direction the wolves howled at night, far far away from the city lights and all the night time commotion of drunk people spilling onto the streets and the dark ignorance of what goes on behind private doors. Lisbeth was a pale girl of eighteen, with a fierce strength and a sense of a adventure. Her eyes were piercing green, the sort of green that is almost neon; a wild child, they called her as she grew. She was symmetrically perfect in every way, with teeth that sparkled shining white. Her hair was thick with ample layers, her style was punk rock jet black. If you glanced at her without truly noticing, you may have thought she was the Devil's child or someone with a FTW attitude, though this was only her outer mask. She wasn't goth, emo or sXe though. She did her own thing, free from the labels and self-fulfilling prophecies that society tried to burden her and all of her peers with. She was described by the people she touched as a unique wildfire that burned everyone that did her wrong. |
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longing to write, but i don't know what to write about. all i'm imagining is quite dark, quite mysterious and secretive. writing takes energy though, and i don't have much energy to expend. the days are getting shorter, it's darker, the death of life has come round again. it's weird to think it's been a year. because it doesn't feel better but it's not a lot worse. all i can think about is f+tm's tune about virginia woolf, and her pocketful of stones. the water, always. i need to go back to the sea. also, i was considering getting light therapy or just, idk, getting one of those intensive light things off amazon. my neck is itchy. it's weird. anyway. since i am no longer writing good things, i'm gone. oh, my love don't forsake me, take what the water gave me. |
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Music: mysterious |
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| That things will improve. That's all I can express right now. Ciao. |
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| It is amazing being lifted and moving to London and finally having my family's support. In the past two months, life has changed so much in a good way for me and i'm so much happier. I understand a lot more, and I have been given a special insight into some things too which is something to always remember. Everything's cool, living by the river, hopefully having a full house at christmas and everything :D |
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Music: ecstatic and excited, changed and at peace |
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   It's been about angels, peace and healing. I've loved how things are feeling better and i'm getting normal periods and love is gloryfying my soul. I think i'm moving forwards in some ways, and helping others to do so as well. I'm glad I can help others, I however do still have to persuade my mother. But yeah, otherwise things are good, been watching Buffy from the start and uhm, well inspiration comes in blasts. Plus books are good to read :) |
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  i just want to be happy, live a normal life and get the fuck out of here already, to somewhere warm and inviting; where i can breathe and smile and be content. is that too much to ask for? this country is ridiculous. trying to be anti eu. fuck that. ireland this weekend (: |
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Music: tired of this country, missing other places in the world |
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From the west to the east I have flown to be near you I have come all this way to be close, to be here with you And now, all my heart I will lay down precisely at your feet My beloved, oh my sweet All the gifts you have given me The patience and the peace, Cherry blossoms and the candy, I am yours, I am yours For as long, for as long as you will have me Dearest one, I had a dream I mouthed the words, The sound came out, I spoke to you in Japanese Oh, my love I cannot see, I heard your name I know at once there was no place I’d rather be All at once there was no place that I would rather be From the west to the east I have flown to be near you I have come all this way to be close, to be here with you And now, all my heart I will lay down precisely at your feet My beloved, oh my sweet All the gifts you have given me The patience and the peace, Cherry blossoms and the candy, I am yours, I am yours For as long, for as long as you will have me I packed my bag, I’m on my way I am prepared for any season I am prepared to stay Here is my heart, my beating heart Oh, how I’m longing for this love affair to start How I’m longing for this love affair to finally start From the west to the east I have flown to be near you I have come all this way to be close, to be here with you And now, all my heart I will lay down precisely at your feet My beloved, oh my sweet All the gifts you have given me The patience and the peace, Cherry blossoms and the candy, I am yours, I am yours For as long, for as long as you will have me |
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Music: wishing i was in the middle of nowhere, with the one i love, full of happiness |
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 I always carry love. Love no matter what. I'm trying to be the change I want to see. Things are looking better, relationships can work. Every new place I venture, I gain more love and a new perspective on things. It's refreshing, and this time it was well needed. I always dream about being in places far away, where there's sun and warmth. Always love, hate will get you every time. |
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Music: full of life and breathing |
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 I miss love. |
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vini, vidi, vici. i came, i saw, i conquered.  oh, will my prince come forth? bring the white horse and sword. thanks. |