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jessiebell human touch. - Subscribe
i had to walk away because i'm hurting and i can't communicate it.

i need to be important in your life. and you don't want to communicate openly and honestly.

i wanted to express many things, including finding our common goals, dreams, desires etc. but you always avoided talking about the bigger things with me.

you can't call me your soulmate, tell me you've never been as connected with anyone as you have with me and then treat me the way you ended up doing.

i loved you. you just compared me to your family.

we both felt it, but i was the only one moving towards something bigger and healthier. you just wanted to stay as you are.

i need to be loved. i wanted to ask you if you love me. if you could love me.

i have needs and that's okay.

but as soon as i was losing self-esteem, trying to impress you and realising i value myself more than you do, then i had to walk away. you weren't helping with your bad behaviours, and were just triggering mine. so it was healthier for me to walk away.

i wish it could have turned out differently. and i still wanna explain and apologise why i left in the manner that i did, but i think there's no going back. at least not for months or years at least.

maybe one day. or maybe the lesson is over.

jessiebell bad timing will defy your life Jul 11th, 2018 5:34:09 pm - Subscribe
allow love in,
let it within.
it's already there in you anyway.

let a new life happen to you.
you don't necessarily know what you'll be up against but you've outgrown where you are (the environment yr in by many miles).

it's natural to move on.
do it with fear, but please,
do it.
Mood: pained

jessiebell you need a big god, big enough to hold yr love. Jul 4th, 2018 6:06:59 pm - Subscribe
i haven't been able to publish anything since three years ago for some reason. checking if i can now.

edit: problem seems to be resolved. back on aeonity, perhaps? i have missed online expression save the thrilling facebook updates which are a total borefest.

i have grown a lot since 2015. a healthier human. but i was as right about some things then; i need to get out of this environment and i need people's help. i am still a struggling being.

i have tried so far in 2018. i went on a whirlwind birthday weekend to belgium and stayed at a guy's place (he'd come over here to meet me for a weekend prior) but there were tons of nice moments, and he held me a lot. it's been strange to be loved/cared about (?) it's nice to be seen again for sure. although hella scary.

i also joined a emotional abuse support group. my family do not know any of the shit they carry; the baggage which i have to heal. but this group, although i have only seen them three times since jan, they're at least close and there. i have also become increasingly wiser since 2015.

i have learned a lot about self-love and self-care. always go back to the self whenever in doubt. i am learning about real love; to be loved, and to love.

may positive experiences cont...
although the past couple of months have been tough. i have realised that i have gained back my power from my oppressors, but now, i am kinda scared of that power that i hold. and i am never quite sure what to do with it.

i need a life plan. but i don't know how.
Mood: indecisive

jessiebell hellzyeah, this is for the future. my future. Nov 23rd, 2015 1:02:23 pm - Subscribe
possessiveness has been a theme in my life; they tried all my life, even through my rebellion & now her. then the men, cal, him & even him. interesting revelation.

"kiss your friends' faces more / destroy the belief that intimacy must be reserved for monogamous relationships / be more loving / embrace platonic intimacy / embrace vulnerability / use emotionality as a radical tactic against a society which teaches you that emotions are a sign of weakness / tell more people you care about them / hold their hands / tell others you are proud of them / offer support readily / take care of the people around you."
Mood: precious

jessiebell revisiting the past. Nov 22nd, 2015 4:32:41 pm - Subscribe
seeing your 17 yr old self in writing, from an adult's perspective is weird to say the least. but it's very clear i've been suffering from depression for absolutely ages (and maybe that's turned into/always was other things.) i've always had issues with men, and then the human race in general. love has been a big player in my life & i've questioned if it's better to be without it rather than burdened with it 24/7. the future will always scare me & i will silently suffer (although in some ways it is less silent than before.)

i've realised that the core of me will never be able to successfully change until out of this environment (which i'm probably punishing myself by still being in it.) and also, i really need other people to help me through it. i can't do it alone, no matter how much i want to.
Mood: eh

jessiebell i think about you from time to time too. May 10th, 2015 12:50:39 pm - Subscribe
it's been a long time since i've been on here, but today i received a blessing. it's strange to know i am cared about, even if it's just a tiny passing thought/feeling in some almost stranger's mind. random people on this earth have kept me alive and i don't even know how to connect with them in friendship. i am so grateful that people want me to live. even if they don't know me.
Mood: flattered

jessiebell haha, desserts. Dec 18th, 2014 5:23:20 pm - Subscribe
I have too much to do and not enough time to do it. Thebitch spoke to me today, says they may come up Monday, so extra pressure there then!
My mother wasn't well today, so I cooked for her (she didn't eat much of it) and then asked me to get a clementine for her from the kitchen as I was in there anyway, so I did. Then as I was half way walking up the stairs she calls my name saying for me to get her another one. Ignoring her, because I had wrapped xmas presents and wrapping paper and all that jazz in my hands, I pause and she starts saying to get her another one BECAUSE THIS ONE IS SLIGHTLY BRUISED.

Just told her to make do, someone's gotta eat it and continued up the stairs.

I hate that this is 'normal' life to me.
Mood: affectionate

jessiebell busy bz. Oct 17th, 2014 4:21:15 pm - Subscribe
today i got so much done and i'm both proud and exhausted. shopping & a movie tomorrow. haircut mondae, then party thurs! and i ordered new boots yesterday, they should arrive on tues ^.^

my mood's improved. i just wish he was talking to me.
Mood: broken

jessiebell it's been a long time. Oct 4th, 2014 1:09:23 pm - Subscribe
i have autumn feels for the first time, and i want lots of hot chocolate and sprawling out on the sofa watching tons of halloween movies (practical magic, the craft, hocus pocus, the nightmare before christmas, corpse bride, edward scissorhands, beetlejuice and the addams family.)

i don't yet feel cold from the inside, but the cold is only just beginning. i can tell from the way i awoke from the howling wind last night, that things are about to get darker and nastier. i was able to catch a lot of the sun this time though, it's kinda sad the sun is about to run out on me.

interesting conversations, blurry minds, late night thoughts at 100mph. exhilarated, dazed and confused. do we ever really grow up? or hardly ever grow?

i envy those that can push themselves to continually grow. mine is such a stop and start process, i have a long stretch left yet.
Mood: natural

jessiebell redux Aug 3rd, 2014 12:18:10 pm - Subscribe
constantly hungry, dunno what i'm doing, don't know how to get motivated on the right path again, fucking things up with the people who mean the most to me, constantly worrying. i don't know how it's got this bad.

Mood: awestruck

jessiebell travelling out of the country again Jun 7th, 2014 1:11:07 pm - Subscribe
sharm el sheik, fuckkkin' a.
also, i hope they don't have shitty slow wifi there.
Mood: yucky

jessiebell intoxicated by the thoughts of him Apr 5th, 2014 4:38:50 pm - Subscribe
he makes me feel all kinds of things in every way, it's exciting and novel and interesting and he interests me. i like the way we do the same dance. it's funny. and lovely and i don't know where it's going but it's making me nervous. in a good way.

we'll see.

new chapters, freedom in the beginnings :)
Mood: motivated

jessiebell exploring adventurer. Mar 6th, 2014 10:49:01 am - Subscribe
life's one those amazing things.


"It's not a permanent thing. Normal service will be resumed at some point."

also, i don't understand what you're doing here still? are you in or out?
Mood: motivated

jessiebell take me to the sea. Mar 2nd, 2014 5:08:10 pm - Subscribe
going off to Spain for a week!!!!!!!!!!

my life is fucked, can't i get another one?
i really, really want to start over somewhere new.
Mood: sporty

jessiebell don't sell yr soul Feb 10th, 2014 6:32:35 pm - Subscribe
valentine-- what?

fuckkkkkkkkkkkkk the world.

inspiration, all of this fucking inspiration stuck inside me and there's no way to get it out. angel haze is an inspiration.

speak yr fucking truth and kill them with yr powerful words.

love the world and love nature and fuck those in power trying to control nature.

nature can't be controlled.
& neither can i.

i'm gonna change the world in my own small way, kthx.
Mood: pained

jessiebell novaturient. Feb 7th, 2014 5:27:55 pm - Subscribe
(adj.) desiring or seeking powerful change in one's life, behaviour, or situation.

= me, basically.

today, huuuuuuuuuuge nostalgia kick. i actually used to be a whole lot positive. i used to be incredible and resourceful and strong. and it's weird how i've completely forgotten that. BMFV and A-AR, Blink-182, Good Charlotte, Dashboard confessional, Box Car Racer, Hawthorne Heights and Head Automatica, how could I ever forget you?

also, sochi - i'm kinda really glad t.A.T.u. performed at the opening ceremony. in yr face facist! although, doesn't help much.
Mood: sweet

jessiebell Happily ever after is a myth. Happy with right now is a skill. Feb 5th, 2014 4:59:33 pm - Subscribe
"It is not easy to love someone with cancer of the soul. But it is worth it. It is not simple. It is not predictable. I have had to learn to take care of myself so that I have the energy to care for others. I have done things to protect myself that may seem selfish to others, but I have learned the value of taking care of myself. It is why I can care for others." *

Bleh, *things no one tells you when you're growing up around negative people.
Mood: unattractive

jessiebell round the twist Feb 3rd, 2014 5:57:45 pm - Subscribe
it's funny how getting out of this country seems like the best possible thing. that way i won't keep forgetting that i am not my abusers, i am not my abuse, and i won't keep getting lost in the abuse. i've wanted and seriously planned to leave here since i was a teen. kinda sad i've not done it yet. finding positive, safe spaces is hard though.

“Don’t expect anyone to understand your journey, especially if they haven’t walked your path.”

— Unknown

also, 90s nostalgia in the form of:

Mood: pissy

jessiebell anti-facist Jan 28th, 2014 10:56:59 am - Subscribe
it's funny when you start realising you're actually not that crazy. the rest of the world is (although i've already known this for years, i'm just remembering it again.)

i want to write it all out, her npd, what it's done to me, my abuse. i'm tired of trying to write my story and never getting anywhere. it's fucking important though.

the sharing of love (polyamory) isn't wrong, but the mormon religion is silly, to me. "god decides for you to get married to someone named.." like really? most religions are fear based any way. god's still a woman named Papa to me.

tired of being tired and being here and i just want to be wild and free.
Mood: unsure

jessiebell rising appalachia Jan 26th, 2014 1:52:33 pm - Subscribe
he fills me with inspiration. it's kinda cool, he's what i've always needed in my life.

so, so amazed in awe.

-- edit --

owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, i hit my head (embarrassing story) and how i have a huge bump that's sore and slowly bruising :(
Mood: superb