Janurary...Twenty-third...two-thousand-eight...
Date: Jan 23rd, 2008 10:35:06 am - Subscribe
Mood: okay
Music...: A New Day Has Come (Radio Remix) - Celine Dion

Faith: -hugs-
Hanz Dogz: heath ledger died -cries-
Faith: aww yeah i know
Hanz Dogz: ive been at work and just found out
Faith: oh
Faith: he was found in some new york apartment
Hanz Dogz: he was one of my fave actors -cries-
Faith: awwww -hugs-
Faith: somebody said that they said it was a drug overdose
Hanz Dogz: they said he suffered from anxiety
Hanz Dogz: and all he wanted to do was sleep
Faith: oh
Faith: i'm wide awake lol
Hanz Dogz: so am i haha
Hanz Dogz: i just finished work im eating dinner
Faith: cool
Hanz Dogz: its almost midnight lol
Faith: lol oh
Faith: its almost 7 am here
Hanz Dogz: ive been at work since 5.15
Faith: wow
Faith: i kind of like this being up early thing lol
Faith: nobody's up and its just me, so its nice and quite
Faith: quiet*
Hanz Dogz:
Hanz Dogz: lol i like to be a noisy fucker but i cant
Faith: yeah me 2
Faith: and i have no clue what i'm listening to
Hanz Dogz: lol
Faith: and my plan is to stay up the rest of the day lol
Hanz Dogz: nice happy.gif
Faith: yeah
Hanz Dogz: im going to hop into the shower i smell like pizza
Hanz Dogz: brb
Faith: hb
Hanz Dogz: back
Hanz Dogz: thats better
Faith: wb
Hanz Dogz: ty
Faith: yvw
Faith: well i knocked over a bunch of stuff, a couple minutes ago, so i'm hoping it didn't wake up my brother lol
Hanz Dogz: lol
Hanz Dogz: well done

Faith: well i went to the bathroom to put peroxide on my cuts (which don't look right but then again they've never been this deep either) and then i came back over here and ran into my chest and everything decided it wanted to crash to the floor lol
Hanz Dogz: lol
Hanz Dogz: y may i ask you have cuts -rised eyebrow-
Faith: thats a long story lol mostly i put them there, and yeah their deeper then normal and yeah
Hanz Dogz: -blush- i know ive done that myself PLENTY of times
Faith: oh well i've done it since i was 15
Hanz Dogz: yeah i was 12 when i started
Hanz Dogz: when my pop passed away
Faith: oh
Faith: i'm sorry
Hanz Dogz: i used to hit myself on the thighs till i was black
Faith: ouch
Faith: nobody knows except a few close friends my parent's don't even know
Hanz Dogz: shit hey
Hanz Dogz: its hard i know
Hanz Dogz: -hugs-
Faith: yeah -hugs-
Faith: a bunch of them think i'm nuts
Hanz Dogz: i dont think your nuts my ex was a HUGE cutter
Hanz Dogz: she has scars ontop of scars
Faith: yeah i don't have to many scars, although i've cut alot, but i don't always scar for some reason
Hanz Dogz: depending how you do it i guess i dont have many scars either i just dont
Hanz Dogz: in a way its good but i would like some sometimes
Faith: yeah me 2
Hanz Dogz: i used to perposly get scratched at work when working with the reptiles just coz it felt good
Faith: wow, i all of a sudden don't feel so out of place
Hanz Dogz: its all good sweety -hugs-
Faith: -hugs-
Hanz Dogz: you ever need ANYTHING im here
Faith: thanks i aperiate that, same goes for you
Hanz Dogz: sweet by the way....your not weird
Faith: thats good to know, cause i feel like it most of the time, and people keep telling me i am
Faith: i'm a lil worried about these ones, cause when i did it yesterday morning, i didn't feel anything, and i still don't, and i know i should
Hanz Dogz: no not all the time
Hanz Dogz: ive done some that i think FUCK that was bad but felt nothing
Faith: well thats where i am
Hanz Dogz: dont worry its all good not to feel anything
Faith: completely not feel anything though?
Hanz Dogz: its all good
Hanz Dogz: trust me
Faith: i trust u
Hanz Dogz: you need to hear it plan out i know
*more conversation skipped conversation*
Hanz Dogz: yeah but you cant just stop coz someone tells you
Faith: yeah
Faith: i try though
Hanz Dogz: you do it if you want to not coz your told
Faith: and then they make me promise not to, and i'm good for a whileand then i do things like yesterday
Faith: i want to so i can stop hurting everybody i just don't know how
Hanz Dogz: i tell you.....you will never give it up!!!
Faith: its like they tell me all the time to deal with things, stuff i haven't, and its like i don't know how, cause i've never been good at dealing with stuff
Hanz Dogz: its something thats in yourlife and there will always be this thing in the back of your head to do it
Faith: yeah and i always give into that thing
Hanz Dogz: you may never cut again but it will be in your head to
Hanz Dogz: im the very same so i understand completely
Faith: i almost went 8 months without doing so last year
Hanz Dogz: good
Faith: and then i messed up and did it the first of december, and then people made me promise not to, and i was doing good up until yesterday
Hanz Dogz: its all good dont make people tell you wat you can and cant do with your body ok
Faith: ok
Faith: you know i'm a lil shocked...i've talked to a lot of people about this mostly people that have done it or do it still, and its like they don't get me, and idk, it seems like you actually understand me without even me trying
Hanz Dogz: happy.gif
Hanz Dogz: see you just get people sometimes
Hanz Dogz: and its all good you really dont have to say much for me to understand
Hanz Dogz: you take things to heart VERY easy like me....
Faith: yeah i do
Hanz Dogz: and i tell ya its hard to get it out of your head
Hanz Dogz: and it eats at you and eats at you until you snap
Hanz Dogz: and cutting is your releasr
Hanz Dogz: release*
Faith: yeah it is
Hanz Dogz: im the same but i dont cut very often mine is taking drugs, sleeping and drinking
Hanz Dogz: and getting angry
Faith: yeah
Faith: i drink a lot, just on weekends and sleep alot, and cut, and if all that don't work i try and forget everything just ignore it all
Hanz Dogz: thats y im on the puter alot!
Faith: yeah me 2
Faith: well i shouldn't be because we're way over our limit
Faith: but idk
Faith: i started cutting the day after i was raped by my mom's bestfriend, then months later my parents found out what happened, then 3 days later, it all got blamed on me, everybody believed my mom's bestfriend, and she still hangs around, and mom and her are close as ever, and i haven't dealt with that, and i haven't dealt with getting raped by my mom's bestfriend's neighbor last march either
Hanz Dogz: i pay for my own internet
Faith: well as soon as i get a job, in a couple months, if not sooner, i will be lol
Hanz Dogz: -shakes head-
Hanz Dogz: see thats fucked
Faith: yeah
Faith: and no the guy last year isn't in jail, i didn't do anything about it, cause i knew it would be the same as last time
Faith: which is why brandy thinks that it doesn't bother me
Hanz Dogz: -hugs- i think it does matter
Hanz Dogz: i was raped at school by a guy that was in my class
Faith: it does -hugs-
Hanz Dogz: and i STILL havent gotta over it
Faith: wow
Faith: -hugs-
Hanz Dogz: i can sleep with guys it scares the fuck out of me
Hanz Dogz:
Hanz Dogz: i think thats one thing that helped me find out that i was gay
Faith: yeah well the guy last year kind of destoryed my hope for ever being with a guy
Hanz Dogz: they do that !! assholes
Faith: yeah they do
Faith: you know i've thought about telling you about my cutting and everything lots of times before, but i didn't cause i figured you'd freak out like a lot of other people so yeah
Hanz Dogz: ohh HELL no
Hanz Dogz: i suprise people hahah
Hanz Dogz: -smiles-
Faith: -smiles- yeah you do
Faith: its funny people try to get me to talk bout whats going on in my head, and lots of time i do tell them, and they don't get it so idk half the time i don't know what is going in my head myself lol
Hanz Dogz: lol
Hanz Dogz: i know how that feels
Hanz Dogz: ppl trying to get me to take anti depressants i dont want to
Hanz Dogz: and see councelers
Faith: yeah people have tried to get me to see councelers and doctors, and i'm scared of doctors so i don't go, besides i don't think it would help and i've thought about the whole anti depressants but i've heard from a lot of people that they just make you feel worse
Hanz Dogz: i didnt like them
Hanz Dogz: it didnt work
Faith: yeah i did find out talking to people helps a lot
Hanz Dogz: yeah it can
Faith: which i do talk alot..not so much to people how i'm really feeling and stuff, unless i think their really going to get it and not think i'm weird or nuts or crazy or anything like that, and then if i do find somebody who i can trust who doesn't think all that, i'm pretty much an open book lol
Hanz Dogz: lol
Hanz Dogz: god your so like me
Hanz Dogz: yr older then me right ??
Faith: nope i'm 19
Hanz Dogz: yeah younger
Faith: yep
Faith: its weird cause i think mom has an idea of what's going on, where all these scars have come from, and everything, and yet she doesnt want to deal with it
Hanz Dogz: they dont normaly
Faith: lol maybe next month i'll try not to even realize its actually febuary lol
Hanz Dogz: lol
Faith: i don't techinally like next month lol
Faith: thats a cool snoopy tattoo -smiles-
Hanz Dogz: thanks -smiles-
Faith: your welcome
Hanz Dogz: i love my frog on my leg more
Faith: yeah the frog is pretty
Faith: its to quiet now lol i'm not use to everybody being asleep at the same time lol
Hanz Dogz: lol
Hanz Dogz: yeah everyone is asleep here
Faith: cool
Hanz Dogz: but im still wired from work
Faith: lol yeah
Faith: my cats are fights so there isn't any point in going to bed because they'll just wake me up and i'll have to go save frisky again lol
Faith: fighting*
Faith: dad will be up in a couple hours sure and i bet he wakes up mom like he has a habit of doing so then it won't be quiet anymore lol
Hanz Dogz: hehe
Faith: and then i can get a cup of coffee lol
Hanz Dogz: i still have about 2 hours before april comes wakes me up to take her to work
Faith: oh
Hanz Dogz: yeah she starts work at 5 and i drive her to work
Faith: cool
Hanz Dogz: so im sorry to be a pain im going to head to bed
Faith: okies have a good night
Faith: -hugs-
Faith: take care
Hanz Dogz: take care of yourself and if you ever need anything just leave me a message ok
Faith: okies i will
Faith: u2
Hanz Dogz: and ill get back to asap
Hanz Dogz: -hugs-
Faith: -hugs-
Hanz Dogz: love ya matey -hugs & kisses-
Faith: love ya to -hugs & kisses-
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