The Letting Go
Date: Feb 17th, 2008 12:55:27 pm - Subscribe
Mood: hollow
Music...: Melissa Etheridge
Okay, I can't say this probably will be the last entry of Eva. But I'm sure it will be the last time for quite a while. That being said. On to my night with miss Eva, and alcohol involved.
Considering Saturday was what Saturday was, I completely ignored it, and I didn't deal with it, what do I do? I fix the dinner, have the family dinner, watch The Invasion with Nicole Kidman note I can't really stand her, but it was a good movie, not one I'll watch again probably, but it was still good. So after that, I come in here talk to Hope for a while about her boyfriend who disappears and she of course wonders if I have anything to do with it at all. So after we got that settled, I start talking to her about other stuff. (I.E. Eva, you, jade, shannan, Saturday, what happened on this particular Saturday I'm ignoring, susan's funeral which was this Saturday to, and the family dinner, which I managed not to screw up!)
So then I end up getting drunk and Eva comes online, which at the moment I was particular happy about that, so I end up going and getting the phone to talk, so I call her, and after talking for a little while, I start hitting her with a bunch of questions of course after I ask her if it's okay, so question one was what would of happened if her and Cody hadn't got together, if we would of got back together, her normal answer, I don't know, if I hadn't met him, probably. Okay fine, answer enough, I forget the next one, but it had something to do with her and I I'm sure. And I'm almost sure her answer was I don't know. So her and I are talking a little bit, and she told me how she met Cody, something like out of the Romeo and Juliet scene is how she explained it, except he was on a bike haha. Cody and her are not really moving in together, but he'll still be there all the time I'm sure, so I asked her if he was going to possibly move in why in the world she told me for over a year, that she wanted to move me up there with her. And she's like well um....to get you away from your Mom so you can grow up a little bit, because I am sure you and I wouldn't of worked.
Still okay fine. She told me if it was me, she would of moved on a long time ago, so I told her I couldn't, and then of course I asked her if she would listen to me, without getting pissed, and actually listened if I could explain that, so she said sure, kind of sounding annoyed, but hell we're getting somewhere, at least I think we are, and I was drunk so fine. So I explained to her my feelings, about everything, and a LOT of them centered around the dumb ass she's dating. Which then she goes into explaining to me why he is the way he is, so I have a little bit better understanding of him, but I still think he's a jerk. Which she knows. I finally told her. I can't stand him. Probably having this conversation probably wasn't the best of idea's but what the hell.
So all the while Mom gets up, so of course I had to explain things to Eva, or ask her questions, without Mom really knowing what's going on, which she probably does, but okay, on we go. So then I asked her why she keeps telling me she loves me, if she wants nothing out of me other then to sex. Because somewhere in there, she explained she wants to be with a guy, get married to them, and all that, and that she's content but she's not really happy, she wants to be in a relationship with a guy, but she wants to have sex with girls, and if I hadn't been drunk at the time, I probably would of ventured to tell her SHE CAN'T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS! She did tell me that to be honest (yes these are her words or at least as much as I remember of them) I love you yes, but its more like a friend or a sister way, and my having a girlfriend was just a stage in my life, to find out if I was really gay, and it took me four girlfriends to figure it out, and I'm like okay, well which one was I? And she's like you was four. And I'm like yeah and I'm sure I'm the one that fell the hardest for you, and she's like probably, and I'm sorry. No I didn't ask her what she was sorry for, cause I didn't even want to get into it, cause I'm getting answers here and I didn't really feel like asking her a billion questions about that, to piss her off, cause she's already pretty annoyed with me that I'm asking so many damn questions.
So then I told her that Jade was right, so then I went to explain that I had told Jade that I loved her, of course, and how I was feeling, and that she was with Cody, and all this other, and I did not have any private conversations with Jade about Eva that I wasn't suppose to be having I was just explaining to Jade my feelings. And so after she gets over that, she's like so what is she right about, and I told her that Jade had said it seems like I fell in love with a dream, and she's like oh, so I asked her if Jade was really right or not, or if it just seemed that way. And she's like I... and I'm like I don't want to hear an I don't know again, its a yes or no question, and she's like yes, you fell in love with a dream. So there it is, finally. Answers. That don't include "I don't knows." And then she's like you know I didn't mean to hurt you cause I don't want too, and at that moment I busted out laughing really really hard. And she's like okay I'm going to hang up now, and I'm like no don't please so on and so forth. So she's like okay so then I go on to explain that she already did, and she always has, with her making me think that she wanted me, but all she really wanted was sex, and so on and so forth, and somehow somewhere things probably would be different right now she said so herself if I hadn't blown up on her in December. Cause she actually said she actually had feelings for me then. And she's like well he has my heart, and I'm like well thats great, but you have mine. And she's like I know and I've been trying to give it back to you, and you don't seem to want it.
I don't seem to want my heart? How is that possibly, I'd rather have it then what she is and has done to it. But I didn't even bother to tell her that, cause she was wanting to hang up on me anyways, but okay, remind me not to call you, when I'm drunk okay? So her and I talked a little bit longer, and we both decided, mutually that its time, I let her go, I move on finally, and she said that since she's done what she's done when she makes me think she wants me. She said that we could either be friends only or nothing at this particular moment. So I think I can handle friends with her? Although I did explain to her I don't think we ever really was friends (Thanks everwood for sticking that part of the episode into my brain) but its still true, I don't really think we ever was. Honestly. And she was like well I'll be here if you ever need someone to talk to, cause I do understand you, you just annoy me every now and then. And then she's like "hold on" so I'm like okay, so she disappears, so I'm sitting there on the phone waiting listening to silence when the phone hangs up on me, I don't know if she did that, or if she meant to or what. But it did.
So I guess friends is a good way to end that conversation?
So now that I finally got answers out of her..her personally..
I think its time I can finally move on. Cause right now, I don't feel anything towards her at all, love, hate, any of it, I don't feel it. I do although feel like this part has finally ended that theres finally some closure to my feelings for her and her not so much feelings for me.
So now maybe I can put this song to some use and actually, mean the words to it.
Oh p.s. you was right, all of you that said there was nothing there. okay?
I came here to let you know
The letting go
Has taken place
I have held the winter's son
Become one
Set my pace
Isn't that what we wanted all along
Freedom like a stone
But I can say goodbye
Now that the passion's died
Still it comes so slow
The letting go
Piece by piece I take apart
This complicated heart
And I hope to find
Something I can prove is real
I can feel is truth
I can say is mine
That's all I ever wanted to be
The closer that I got
The further I could see
But when lovers change
And the night feels strange
We choose our road
The letting go
I came here to let you know
The letting go
Has taken place
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exuroseasn - February 17th, 2008 |
