Subject... title... summary... whatever
Date: Feb 1st, 2008 5:06:00 pm - Subscribe
Mood: unsafe
Music...: This Time - Vanessa Carlton

Its February. Wonderful February, okay I'm in a good mood what can I say? Hmm, I don't know not much has been going on, Mom's still sleeping, cause she still isn't feeling good, and Dan's sleeping, cause he's still sick and Abe's at work. And I've been working on finishing my book lol. I had a long talk with Jade yesterday. I texted her at like nine last night and we was just talking about a lot of stuff until I ended up calling her at like Midnight and then we talked for an hour and everything, which helped. Anyway she made a bunch of excellent points, like we was talking about how she's mostly over her eating disorder but yet it still comes back on her or tries to every now and then, especially she said it has been trying to a lot lately. And she was telling me how she use to feel about it and everything, which is pretty much how I have been feeling lately, except for the fact that I also feel like I'm still not good enough for anyone. And she told me there isn't much difference between her eating disorder and my cutting she says its all about control, you want that control, and then by taking that way, she said it feels like its being taken away and that you didn't have that control anymore, and you don't know what to do about that, cause you've had that control for so long you don't know what to do without it. And she was saying that for so long it was really hard for her to be happy because being happy is a whole new territory and you just get so use to not being happy, that its familiar and you don't want to lose that either. And it takes a lot to want to get help and getting help when you don't want it isn't going to work. She said there was so many times she probably should of went to counseling but didn't, there was so many times that she wanted help and didn't end up getting it, so many times she didn't want it, and she got it. Its amazing how to different things, are almost the same. But an eating disorder and cutting are pretty much the same thing, cause its still self harming either way.

There has been so many times I've been trying to explain how I feel, and I really couldn't, cause I didn't really know how I was feeling. And she explained it to me, without really meaning too. And I told her that she just explained how I was feeling, and she's like no no no, that's not good to feel like that, and it went into another long conversation, but she understands it, I don't know if I completely understand it, but yeah. I don't know talking to her helped last night. Its really hard getting over wanting that control over something, but it can be over come? It can be its just hard, I get that. And I don't know how it got brought up, or anything, but she did ask me if I have ever had an eating disorder, and I didn't know what to say cause its so hard to explain. I mean I don't really think I do really, its just lately. Lately, umm, I guess you could say I have a small problem? I don't really know how to explain it.

For me. I've never had a deep discussion about this, much less actually wrote it in anything. So I don't know really how to explain it. I've got just write it out for yourself in my head, which I have no idea what that means.

Okay, I really need to write this out so lets see if I can.

I don't know if anybody knows really why I first started cutting, why I first started having the urges to cut, and I don't even really know what gave me the thought to I just did it, I don't really honestly think anybody ever thinks of what gave them the thought of doing it the very first time. I could be wrong though. I was working for my mother's best friend when I was sixteen, by this month I had been working for her for two months, and everything seemed to be going okay well I don't know if its just this month that sucks or what, later this month, when I was sixteen I was raped by my Mom's best friend. There I said it, and people keep telling me it wasn't my fault I was only sixteen and that I should forgive myself, I don't know how too. I still haven't gotten over what happened, cause I don't know where to start, I really don't. I know that I need to deal with tis one day, and maybe one day I will, but I don't know if I will ever be ready to deal with it so therefore I don't really want to deal with it. I don't know where to start I don't know what the first step is. Two days after is when I started cutting. Two days after that I tried to kill myself, which didn't work, so what do I do? I cut more, and I try even harder to die. I tried to all the ways up to March 20th. So that's how I started cutting. Months later after it happened my Mom found out, Dan, Danie and Misti, Mom did the whole hugging me and crying and saying she was sorry, and she should of never let Pat near me and so on and so forth, and that is after she asked me if I was lying about it!!! Then three days later, it got blamed on me, all of it. And to this day it still is. Last summer, when I was working with Pat, how I could work with her I don't know, but I did anyway, she told me that she blamed it all on me because she didn't want to go to jail.

So now everybody knows why I hate February. I don't know what else to say. I can't breathe. I'm gonna find something to do.


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